martinesque Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 This seems to be a rather beaten up topic but I would appreciate comments and this will help me get rid of the steam. I am in a very long term relationship that to many of our friends is perfect, we are best friends, we have great sex, we travel together all the time, we can relate to each others work and etc and etc. However, maybe because we have been together for such a long time, we both are attracted to others (especially since we both travel a lot together and alone). We discussed this many times but we don't really like this topic as the conversation sometimes changes to breaking-up stuff which we both don't want. At any rate, it seems to be a huge thing when we are not together. Right now we are 600 miles apart for 20 days and I have this huge crush on a girl who works at a local cafe. I had the crush while my gf was around but it never stayed with me beyond ``hi can I have this or that", when she is gone, it just takes over me (this is just one of the crushes). At any rate, the girl from the cafe is really hot and every time she sees me she puts this killer smile on her face that just blows away my mind (she is not like that with others). After coffee we usually end up meeting in the gym as well (by chance), god this is hard, I don't know what to do. I know being attracted to others is normal, means we are not dead. But I don't want to act on these feelings and hurt people, yet, not acting on it is a really hard thing to do. Any suggestions how to deal with attraction.
stillafool Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Why don't you and your gf consider an "open relationship"?
Author martinesque Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 We have in the past, for two years or so. That could get very confusing and it is socially awkward, as many people are just not in that situation, so you end up having open relationship just for the sake of it, not that something real actually happens. What I mean is that most girls you meet as someone in an open relationship will just not approve of your life style (it seems that girls take is as I want to have sex with you and then damp you), guys are different I hear, they seem to actually welcome it by thinking of it is a sign that they can get laid with NSA. If our society was more modern where marriage wasn't valued so much it could work, but when you are the only one doing it in your social circle than it is quite complicated. Maybe we will try again.
todreaminblue Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 This seems to be a rather beaten up topic but I would appreciate comments and this will help me get rid of the steam. I am in a very long term relationship that to many of our friends is perfect, we are best friends, we have great sex, we travel together all the time, we can relate to each others work and etc and etc. However, maybe because we have been together for such a long time, we both are attracted to others (especially since we both travel a lot together and alone). We discussed this many times but we don't really like this topic as the conversation sometimes changes to breaking-up stuff which we both don't want. At any rate, it seems to be a huge thing when we are not together. Right now we are 600 miles apart for 20 days and I have this huge crush on a girl who works at a local cafe. I had the crush while my gf was around but it never stayed with me beyond ``hi can I have this or that", when she is gone, it just takes over me (this is just one of the crushes). At any rate, the girl from the cafe is really hot and every time she sees me she puts this killer smile on her face that just blows away my mind (she is not like that with others). After coffee we usually end up meeting in the gym as well (by chance), god this is hard, I don't know what to do. I know being attracted to others is normal, means we are not dead. But I don't want to act on these feelings and hurt people, yet, not acting on it is a really hard thing to do. Any suggestions how to deal with attraction. A lot of people go through confusion and self doubt in sexual attraction.A lot of the time it is too fill a need or too avoid dealing with issues that exist and need to be dealt with or the other plain reason is experimentation.I only give specific examples of situations that I know of so this is the way I can help you. I was in a situation where a woman needed my help, her boyfriend was abusive and i was there for her just a physical presence so he might not abuse her.She told me she fell in love with my eyes and my strength and that I could make her laugh that she felt safe and protected with me..I was fulfilling the need that she wanted in the relationship.I turned up one day with some chokkies she liked and a card to say I thought she was special.He had beaten her pretty badly the night before.She jumped on me as soon as I came in asking me to fix it.I took her to my place I was working as a hooker at the time I fixed her up made her some tea and told her to stay we ended up making love she needed that affection and I seek warmth so it provided a need in me to be fulfilled which was physical closeness to a person, affection and sexual satisfaction. it was beautiful romantic sweet and nurturing. I kissed her good bye she was smiling.I did my shift and started to walk home I thought that I could maybe find a quiet restaurant somewhere where we could hide out in a booth she was grazed and cut black eyes sprained wrist she looked horrible.....the boyfriend knew I worked on the main drag I was lalalaland of happiness, to be finished work and didnt see him following me........ he got me at the front security door i refused entry and so he dragged me round the back he smashed me stupid(martial artists are very quick) I tried to keep conscious by counting the kicks till I lost count and when I regained consciousness enough to get up I went inside through the back entrance and she was shocked and started to cry I found her a domestic violence place to stay somewhere i didn't know where she was in case he got me again.......the point of my story is identify the need in you you want fulfilled decide if it can be fulfilled by pursuing this sexual liason, or if it is a case of experimentation that is natural.then pursue what you want to pursue. Dont get involved in relationships that involve other people... the outcomes can often be negative.If you want to pursue this be open and honest with your partner and tell him you need space to decide what it is you really want and desire to try... if it is together you wish to seek a third wheel then make sure your partner is happy with that...make sure the person you are with is unattached.this is my opinion only and my heartfelt advice discard it or use it an dbe happy.......hugs to ya....good luck ....deb Dont cause hurt intentionally to anyone, the conclusion is not often one that is easily dealt with and painful for all involved......
IfiKnewThen Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 omg do NOT act on this. i dont care if she has a killer smile. and she makes u feel good and not lonely. triangles are impossible. you always get hurt in the end. it starts a way of life...that says this or that is ok. i can make an excuse for how and why i am cheating. your g/f may be miles away but she is counting on you to be truthful. there is great satisfaction in knowing you are doing the right thing as a man. if you feel your love and attraction for her are fading...end it. or tell her you need a separation. i know you dont want to throw the baby out with the bath water and break up with the sure thing. but its not sure when YOU are not sure. sometimes the truth is complicated. and we take a chance with it. but you probably are better off with her having a sense of it. its how you communicate it to her that matters. also, the grass looks greener . maybe it is. but only tread there with both of you free if you can. if the distance is getting to you. talk about it and see how you can narrow or eliminate it. or get together and bond more often. i know its hard. i do. good luck
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