He lied + cheated but I want to forgive. WHY?

[paloma22]

I have been dating a guy I met online for about 4 months. Things were going well and before we got really intimate, we committed to being monogamous, and not seeing or dating any other people. Although this was informally discussed, we were not sure if we were staying together in Fall, as I was planning on moving, and he would be travelling a lot for school. But things were going so well I just felt I would cross that bridge when we got to it.

 

About 2 months into things, he went away for a month. He came back for one weekend where I picked him up from the airport, and we had a wonderful few days. We said we would talk on the phone or skype. We texted once in a while, and skyped once over 3 weeks. I was not suspicious of anything, just thought we were each 'doing our thing'.

 

After he came back, we talked about the fall and he told me 'he wasn't sure if he was ready to do long distance again'. But he thought about it overnight and said he wanted to try. So we became official and he started telling friends and family about his new girlfriend. I met some of his friends, etc.

 

Our feelings mutually grew and he told me he was falling for me, that he loved being with me and we were good together, that he could see a future with me.

 

Two days ago I see a text from a girl and ask who it was? He tells me first it was a girl in his class, then says "no its my ex".

 

I had no idea he was still talking to his ex, and asked why. He said he's still friends with her but she meant nothing...

 

The next day, I saw a message from her saying "I miss you"

 

While I would never typically 'snoop', I checked his phone and was literally shocked to learn that not only were they talking, but they went for dinner and slept over while he was away in June.

 

He confessed everything, told me they had sex, that she meant nothing and that he would do anything to take it back, stay with me etc. etc.

 

I have since asked for space and he's called me a few times, texting me that he wrote her saying he no longer wanted to talk to her, and that he was (hopefully still) with me.

 

Now, everyone is telling me to RUN. That he will never change, and i will only get hurt again. But I can't help thinking I want to give him another chance, expressing how much he hurt me, and understanding WHY he did it (his rationale was 'we were not official' and he did not see anything going anywhere in the fall). But i had NO idea there were still feelings with his ex. He told me he met to 'catch up' and that was the biggest mistake he made.

 

He still wants to stay together in the fall (long distance off and on).

 

Am I crazy to give him a second chance? Im so heartbroken, but have such deep feelings for him I don't know if I can give it up so easily.

 

Am I fooling myself? Can I ever trust him again?

Can I BELIEVE him??

Edited July 30, 2012 by paloma22

[paloma22]

What do you mean by 10" personality?

[yongyong]

Men do stupid things sometimes because we think with our 'dick'

Obviously, your pussy gets wet when you see him and it interferes with your mind.

 

You seem like one of those chicks online 'My ex bf was a douche bag blah blah'. but they go for the same one and repeat the cycle'

 

If something bad happens in the end, you know who to blame? (not him obviously)

[paloma22]

Men do stupid things sometimes because we think with our 'dick'

Obviously, your pussy gets wet when you see him and it interferes with your mind.

 

You seem like one of those chicks online 'My ex bf was a douche bag blah blah'. but they go for the same one and repeat the cycle'

 

If something bad happens in the end, you know who to blame? (not him obviously)

 

Actually, this completely blindsided me. He was the first and only person I dated online. Ive only been in 3 serious relationships and I don't typically go for '*******s'.

[It's Just Me]

Am I fooling myself? Can I ever trust him again?

Can I BELIEVE him??

 

Sorry to hear about all this, Paloma. I can't imagine how that must feel.

 

From where I sit, he is still carrying a torch for the ex. Not sure how long ago they split, or under what circumstances, but... nobody sleeps with an ex unless there are still strong feelings going on.

 

I would cut him loose. End of story. You're lucky - it hasn't been that long.

 

P.S.: Please ignore yongyong and Greg. They are trolls.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You need to realize that he's obviously not ready for a relationship, he of course had emotions for his ex there was an opportunity and he fell right into it.

 

Obviously there is more there than he is admitting, every guy will downplay their emotions for his ex or another woman especially If it's suspicious in anyway so that you don't freak out...do you get that? he's not going to tell you that he isn't ready, most men will not and do exactly what he did with you...just play along until he got caught.

 

Fact of the matter is his emotions are tied up, you were likely just someone he wanted to full around with a bit and then found himself in a relationship. He didn't want to bring up the ex because he didn't want to for sure jeopardize everything with you, It would have sacrificed everything...what don't you get about that?

 

He's also lying to himself and you stating he has no emotions, he probably think if he says it enough or makes you enough empty promises you'll believe it so that he can. But the reality is once you believe then the moment or situation will go over and he'll start rekindling those emotions for his ex, and while his emotions are still reserved for his ex...at that level...then he cannot give you that part of himself even If he wanted...do you understand that you cannot fill a place in his heart If it's already occupied?

 

You sound like the type that will bend to cheating which is bad for you but good for him. You think that giving him another "chance" that this was just a fluke and he'll swear up and down that he'll never do it again and even though you'll know better you'll actually try and believe it. Don't you get that you were blindsided by this though because he hid it so well? Don't you realize that this guy is going to continue to do that while with you? he wasn't honest with you from the beginning, you'd be an utter fool to expect him to start changing...it doesn't work like that, a man makes that decision based on where he is before he meets you, not while he's with you or during the moment.

 

But your emotions will probably win out, you'll use family, your short-winded history and whatever other excuses you can come up with to convince yourself that things can change even though everyone around you is telling you not to...you'll do that "for love" charge, isolate yourself just to be with this guy and then he'll do it again to you sometime down the road and then you'll come crawling back to the actual people who care and love you in your life and he'll just say "sorry".

 

So go ahead, take a stab at it, see what happens...you've got to learn the lessons the way you need to, but he's not ready, and it does take away from what you had/have...the sooner your realize that, the quicker you have a chance of moving on. Sorry, but what you thought you had wasn't what it was, you cannot believe him...as a man who has cheated in his past, you'd be an absolute fool to...you already see where he stands, let his actions speak louder than his words and give you the wisdom to walk away from jeopardizing even more emotions for this man...because trust me, there's more to lose and to be hurt If you think this is bad, plus you'll never trust him the same way again..........ever.

[yongyong]

Your post is wasting time.

Do you think she doesn't know about this? do you think her friends didn't tell her the same thing?? I know she would tell her friend the same thing in a same situation.

 

It's about the 'feeling'

 

anyways, you are a victim right now since he lied and cheated on you.

If you keep going and he does it again, you are not a victim, but a fool.

 

 

 

 

Sorry to hear about all this, Paloma. I can't imagine how that must feel.

 

From where I sit, he is still carrying a torch for the ex. Not sure how long ago they split, or under what circumstances, but... nobody sleeps with an ex unless there are still strong feelings going on.

 

I would cut him loose. End of story. You're lucky - it hasn't been that long.

 

P.S.: Please ignore yongyong and Greg. They are trolls.

[venusianx13]

You need to realize that he's obviously not ready for a relationship, he of course had emotions for his ex there was an opportunity and he fell right into it.

 

Obviously there is more there than he is admitting, every guy will downplay their emotions for his ex or another woman especially If it's suspicious in anyway so that you don't freak out...do you get that? he's not going to tell you that he isn't ready, most men will not and do exactly what he did with you...just play along until he got caught.

 

Fact of the matter is his emotions are tied up, you were likely just someone he wanted to full around with a bit and then found himself in a relationship. He didn't want to bring up the ex because he didn't want to for sure jeopardize everything with you, It would have sacrificed everything...what don't you get about that?

 

He's also lying to himself and you stating he has no emotions, he probably think if he says it enough or makes you enough empty promises you'll believe it so that he can. But the reality is once you believe then the moment or situation will go over and he'll start rekindling those emotions for his ex, and while his emotions are still reserved for his ex...at that level...then he cannot give you that part of himself even If he wanted...do you understand that you cannot fill a place in his heart If it's already occupied?

 

You sound like the type that will bend to cheating which is bad for you but good for him. You think that giving him another "chance" that this was just a fluke and he'll swear up and down that he'll never do it again and even though you'll know better you'll actually try and believe it. Don't you get that you were blindsided by this though because he hid it so well? Don't you realize that this guy is going to continue to do that while with you? he wasn't honest with you from the beginning, you'd be an utter fool to expect him to start changing...it doesn't work like that, a man makes that decision based on where he is before he meets you, not while he's with you or during the moment.

 

But your emotions will probably win out, you'll use family, your short-winded history and whatever other excuses you can come up with to convince yourself that things can change even though everyone around you is telling you not to...you'll do that "for love" charge, isolate yourself just to be with this guy and then he'll do it again to you sometime down the road and then you'll come crawling back to the actual people who care and love you in your life and he'll just say "sorry".

 

So go ahead, take a stab at it, see what happens...you've got to learn the lessons the way you need to, but he's not ready, and it does take away from what you had/have...the sooner your realize that, the quicker you have a chance of moving on. Sorry, but what you thought you had wasn't what it was, you cannot believe him...as a man who has cheated in his past, you'd be an absolute fool to...you already see where he stands, let his actions speak louder than his words and give you the wisdom to walk away from jeopardizing even more emotions for this man...because trust me, there's more to lose and to be hurt If you think this is bad, plus you'll never trust him the same way again..........ever.

 

I've been "that girl" (depicted above). Having been a very similar situation which lasted far too long, I'd stronly caution you against giving him another chance. My ex fed me all of those lines..."It was a mistake", "She meant nothing to me", "I'll never, ever do something like that again"... as time went on, not only did he cheat on me again (a few times) he consistently lied by omission. It is difficult when you are constantly fed half-truths, you can never quite get your footing and it drives you mad. I began obsessively digging around (snooping, yes) and things started to unravel. The way I've come to understand the context of my lapsed relationship with my ex is that I was in an open relationship with a narcissist, except it was only open on his end. He wanted to have his cake, and eat it too, but he couldn't stand the thought of me being with another man. When I eventually got OUT of that relationship for good (after having been lied to/cheated on for the last time), when he saw I was moving on, he struggled to lure me back in (I had pity on him, but didn't take him back). 5 years in and I was wise to it by then. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to have the wisdom I needed to finally dump the bum... so again, due to my experiences sounding very similar to yours, I'd strongly caution you against staying with him. If I could save another person the type of pain I endured, I would... but sometimes we need to learn for ourselves. Whatever you choose to do, best of luck.

[Quiet Storm]

By staying with him, you are sending the message that you tolerate this behavior.

 

Men respond much better to actions, not words. By breaking up with him, that action tells him that you have standards and will not accept cheating in your relationships. It shows that you deserve better and won't waste your time on anything less.

 

Talking to him about it, explaining why he shouldn't cheat on you, asking for reassurance, threatening to leave if it happens again, crying, yelling are things women often do to make cheaters "get it". It may even seem like progress to you because he's going to give many apologies and make many promises. His words are designed to make you feel better, and they will.

 

But apologies and promises are just words. His actions tell the real story about his character and integrity. When he was away, he barely contacted you. The action (or nonaction) of minimal contact should tell where his mind was at.

 

You have only been with this guy four months, and for one of those months he was away. You haven't even had time to fully get to know him. His actions are giving you clues as to what type of person he is. You need to pay attention. This is your warning sign, and will either heed that warning or ignore it. Most cheaters don't change, and you only have a few months invested in this relationship.

 

You deserve better, and you won't find better if stay with him.

[grkBoy]

I won't be mean, but I'll agree with the vibe of the responses.

 

You're full of lust for him or the idea of having him, and it's clouding your judgement.

[paloma22]

Update:

 

I saw him last night because I had so many unanswered questions. I was calm but obviously expressed my hurt. I had a list of questions written out to ask him. After some thought, there are a few small things I question that he said, but the rest seemed genuine.

 

I told him I could not trust him, and that he would have to cut all ties with his ex. If I ever saw any form of communication, he would never see me again. When asked what she said after he supposedly told her he did not want to speak with her again, he says she did not respond. Which I think is bs.

 

I should add he told me when he saw his ex it was like a time warp back a year ago. He said it brought those feelings back, but he knows they are not meant to be, and he would never marry her. He told her he was seeing someone, but it was not serious. He says he had no idea the feelings he would be developing for me, after this. They had sex twice. This is the most difficult thing to face, that he says it was like old times. Thus, I can't imagine cutting all ties with her will be so easy.

 

He also told me he was too ashamed to bring it up to anybody, only telling his roommate that we got into a fight and that he thought we were over. I question this too.

 

He now knows my close friends know, even some family (he was at my family cottage when I found out about the cheating). So we will see if he's a coward or not, since my friends/ family know.

 

He showed up last night in a shirt/ tie, with a cupcake and card. The card is very well written and I guess expresses in words how he felt, and how sorry he was.

 

He told me if I ever had suspicions of him contacting his ex again, to break up with him. But is that really what I wanna hear?

He also said we could really try for the next month and see where things go. He said we can start slow and I can ask questions, etc.

 

He asked when he could call me and I said he could call, but i will only pickup if ready. So really, it comes back to actions, rather than words. I told him he could feed me his slick lines, but I won't believe anything he says, I need to see it.

 

I still don't think I can trust he won't contact his ex again. Maybe for a few weeks, but then he will be away. I will never know.

 

I almost believe if I catch him again, it will not hurt more because I will be half expecting it. I don't know why, but I feel a lot less hurt now (I couldn't eat yesterday but today I seem fine) than I did. Maybe cause I know the balls in my court. Maybe cause I know if he fools me again, I will just be so sick and disgusted with him I won't blink to never see him again.

 

Does this make sense? Some say I hear the voice of reason but don't want to listen. Perhaps this is true. I think the problem is I am a very forgiving person. The question is, can I give trust a second chance.

Edited August 1, 2012 by paloma22

[TigerCub]

So, you're pretty much being bought off with a cupcake and a card filled with empty promises?

 

Just the fact that you wrote down that if he cheats on you next time, it wont hurt as much because you would be kind of expecting it is reason for you to leave this guy now.

 

Why would you want to be in a relationship with a guy knowing you can't turn your back on him for a second because you're kind of expecting him to cheat on you? Will you get nervous and suspicious every time his phone rings or he gets a text. God forbid he should go out with the guys one night, what will your state of mind be then?

 

If you're expecting/preparing for the guy to cheat on you - why are you with him?

[paloma22]

So, you're pretty much being bought off with a cupcake and a card filled with empty promises?

 

Just the fact that you wrote down that if he cheats on you next time, it wont hurt as much because you would be kind of expecting it is reason for you to leave this guy now.

 

Why would you want to be in a relationship with a guy knowing you can't turn your back on him for a second because you're kind of expecting him to cheat on you? Will you get nervous and suspicious every time his phone rings or he gets a text. God forbid he should go out with the guys one night, what will your state of mind be then?

 

If you're expecting/preparing for the guy to cheat on you - why are you with him?

 

Its not that I'm expecting for him to cheat on me, its that I am expecting to see him maintain some contact with his ex. Ive been in a relationship like this before. While my ex did not cheat with his ex on me, she kept messaging him and trying to sabotage what we had. Women are competitive. The second she knows I'm in the picture, she's going to miss him that much more, and cutting ties will be that much tougher.

[Emilia]

Its not that I'm expecting for him to cheat on me, its that I am expecting to see him maintain some contact with his ex. Ive been in a relationship like this before. While my ex did not cheat with his ex on me, she kept messaging him and trying to sabotage what we had. Women are competitive. The second she knows I'm in the picture, she's going to miss him that much more, and cutting ties will be that much tougher.

 

Just wow! You are blaming HER? It doesn't matter what she does as long as he cuts contact with her! Just how naive are you?

[paloma22]

I guess pretty naive I didn't mean to put it in that light. I just know how exes can act and given this whole scenario surrounds an ex, I can't help play the blame game.

[TigerCub]

Its not that I'm expecting for him to cheat on me, its that I am expecting to see him maintain some contact with his ex. Ive been in a relationship like this before. While my ex did not cheat with his ex on me, she kept messaging him and trying to sabotage what we had. Women are competitive. The second she knows I'm in the picture, she's going to miss him that much more, and cutting ties will be that much tougher.

 

Its exactly that line of thinking that allows men to act like they are all innocent and that they were just thinking of you and how they want to be with you forever when a skanky "competitive" vixen found him and seduced him. He tried to resist, he really tried, but you know, the competitive vixens always got their magical powers to make men cheat (when really they don't want to - therefore the cheating ass of a boyfriend can't possibly be held responsible for his actions )

 

PLEASE!!

 

Your boyfriend is responsible for his actions, if he doesn't wan the ex in his life, he can block her number, block her from any social media crap, and he can make it clear that he doesn't want to talk to her, let alone **** her again.

 

To just sit there and think that all these women are out there to "sabotage" what you have takes all the ownership from your boyfriend for any of his actions - because afterall, its not him, its the competitive vixens out there.

[TigerCub]

Just wow! You are blaming HER? It doesn't matter what she does as long as he cuts contact with her! Just how naive are you?

 

Saw that right after I posted my huge reply that pretty much says the same

 

Good point Emilia.

[Emilia]

I guess pretty naive I didn't mean to put it in that light. I just know how exes can act and given this whole scenario surrounds an ex, I can't help play the blame game.

 

I think you need to face that you made an error of judgement and he isn't as great as you thought he was. I know that's tough because you start doubting yourself and even stop trusting yourself but you have to deal with that sorry. You didn't pick a good one this time.