Never Thought I'd Be THAT Guy...

[TroubledinNC]

Sorry in advance for the long backstory, here...but I need some solid advice or support.

 

I began dating a woman in May of this year, and things started off really fast. This was mutual - she bought tickets to a concert for us just two weeks after dating, and we stayed in a nice hotel the night before. After three weeks, she invited me to spend a weekend at her father's home and meet him (she told me she thought is was important for us to meet). We spent almost all of our time together, and it seemed wonderful - I didn't feel as though I has pushed things too much. I simply gave in to her pushing things forward because it felt natural, and well...good.

 

She talked about what we should do in the near future (making plans for a trip to the beach, another concert, etc.) so I felt like things were on the right track.

 

I cannot express to you how perfect things seemed to be...absolutely wonderful.

 

Then, about 7 weeks in, she tells me she needs to slow things down - like out of the blue - seriously. I have read some other posts here, and got the sneaking suspicion that she might have developed feelings for another. The posts here were pretty clear about "no contact", but I stumbled. We had dinner this past Friday (after having spent three days at the beach the previous weekend) and discussed how we should proceed. I agreed that slowing things down would make some sense - it seems better to build a foundation rather than burn hot and fast in a relationship.

 

We agreed, and I was actually okay with that.

 

Last night, I had a small emergency, and I needed her help. I drove the short distance to her residence, and her car was not there - I suspected she was with her "ex", whom she had lived with for about one year before meeting me.

 

I sent her a text last night calling her out on this, and she replied that she did indeed spend the night with him, but only because he needed her help. She has always told me that she had a special place in her heart for him, but assured me it was over after meeting me (me being such a wonderful guy, and all :-).

 

Obviously, I was floored - but really shouldn't have been.

 

She seemed agressive about the fact that I had questioned her, and made it clear she was just friends with her "ex" (I'm not believing that, btw). I simply want to explain to her that my "insecurity" (as she put it) was totally rational. I feel like I have to close at least that one door on this thing...

 

So...my question is more about moving on, and exactly the best way to start the "no contact" rule. I'm still pretty crazy about this woman, even after all the BS - and I never thought I'd be THAT guy...

 

Any help or word of support would be welcomed...and I'm glad I found this forum - thanks in advance!

 

Many thanks,

TINNC

[Exit]

There is nothing more to starting no contact than, well, starting no contact. There is nothing you need to explain to her, I think anyone would understand why it's possible to feel a little threatened that your gf is hanging out with her ex, not to mention the strange way she started to pump the brakes on your relationship despite being the one to make it escalate so quickly in the first place.

 

If you really feel the need to explain yourself to her I guess you can, most of us around here are conditioned to just recommend NC end of story. If you really thinking making one last phone call or firing off one last email to explain your actions will make you feel better, go ahead, but in the end it probably won't make much of a difference.

 

But I actually just caught myself in mid thought when I realized you didn't mention something. So, are you guys actually broken up now or what? All you said is that she got defensive when you questioned her. Did she then break up with you? Or are you wanting to end the relationship because you found out she was with her ex? Obviously if the actual breakup has not been established then no you shouldn't really just start NC unless you do just want the relationship to die away silently.

 

Also you didn't really describe how it came about that you just went to look for her instead of calling or texting her, which seems to me maybe you were already suspicious and you used the opportunity of needing her during your emergency to just try to show up unannounced. If you were already having a hard time trusting her about the ex thing then maybe it was meant to end.

Edited July 30, 2012 by Exit

[TroubledinNC]

Thanks, Exit...

 

Yes, I know that I wasn't too clear on the actual break-up. So, to clarify, we both had decided on Friday to take things slowly, and I had no contact with her at all Saturday, then she returned a missed call to me on Sunday evening. I just asked if she had a nice weekend, and told her what I had done throughout the days both Saturday and Sunday. I ended the call by saying, "I'll talk to you soon, have a great night."

 

So - there was never a real break-up, I guess. Not clearly stated, anyway. We were just going to take things more slowly.

 

My emergency was related to being dehydrated, and I wan't thinking too clearly (most likely). It was 12:30am, and I had texted her for some help, but I know she typically turns off her phone at night. I assumed she didn't get the message. This prompted me to drive to her place (we live in the same apartment complex) to knock on her door. That's when I realized her car wasn't there. My subsequent text confronting her went out around 9:00am today, with a prompt response of "You are crazy - I'm not seeing anybody. What the hell do you mean?"

 

This was followed by a short call from her to further explain that she was at her ex's house because he had gotten a DUI, and needed her help getting to work all of a sudden when he was paged (he was on call).

 

What's strange is that she didn't seem to understand my frustration at this. She was very effective at turning this around on me, and making it out to be my fault. I feel confident that most (if not all) men would have reated in a similar fashion...so I really wanted to explain this to her - probably a lost cause at this point, anyway.

 

I just recently received a text from her saying she didn't want to discuss this tonight, but if I wanted to talk tomorrow, she'd be open to that.

 

What seemed so promising took a really nasty turn very quickly - and it saddens me that another person could act that way without consideration for another's feelings...

 

Thanks again, Exit - I'll keep you posted...

[Jono85]

Thanks, Exit...

 

Yes, I know that I wasn't too clear on the actual break-up. So, to clarify, we both had decided on Friday to take things slowly, and I had no contact with her at all Saturday, then she returned a missed call to me on Sunday evening. I just asked if she had a nice weekend, and told her what I had done throughout the days both Saturday and Sunday. I ended the call by saying, "I'll talk to you soon, have a great night."

 

So - there was never a real break-up, I guess. Not clearly stated, anyway. We were just going to take things more slowly.

 

My emergency was related to being dehydrated, and I wan't thinking too clearly (most likely). It was 12:30am, and I had texted her for some help, but I know she typically turns off her phone at night. I assumed she didn't get the message. This prompted me to drive to her place (we live in the same apartment complex) to knock on her door. That's when I realized her car wasn't there. My subsequent text confronting her went out around 9:00am today, with a prompt response of "You are crazy - I'm not seeing anybody. What the hell do you mean?"

 

This was followed by a short call from her to further explain that she was at her ex's house because he had gotten a DUI, and needed her help getting to work all of a sudden when he was paged (he was on call).

 

What's strange is that she didn't seem to understand my frustration at this. She was very effective at turning this around on me, and making it out to be my fault. I feel confident that most (if not all) men would have reated in a similar fashion...so I really wanted to explain this to her - probably a lost cause at this point, anyway.

 

I just recently received a text from her saying she didn't want to discuss this tonight, but if I wanted to talk tomorrow, she'd be open to that.

 

What seemed so promising took a really nasty turn very quickly - and it saddens me that another person could act that way without consideration for another's feelings...

 

Thanks again, Exit - I'll keep you posted...

 

honestly man, and u likely won't take this advice, so it's whatever. but just LEAVE her alone, and go NC NOW. she's not really respecting you at all, and the fact that she doesn't feel like discussing it tonight when it's a pressing concern of yours, further shows that. every guy, like u said, would be upset that she spent the evening at her exes place. or even just spent time with him, without notifying u. this isn't a relationship anymore. don't even meet up with her to talk about anything, you ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWERS just from everything that's happened. it'll only make things worse going to talk to her, and she will feed you lots of lies, trust me. so just start NC now, and move on to the next one. it really sucks, but at least then u keep ur pride.

[dannykeyz831]

I don't want to bring you more down but it sound to me like she still cares about her ex. Her saying that she wants to take things a little more slowly and even go out of her way that late at night to take care of her ex means she is not completely over him. I could also mean that they are still good friends but her saying to take things more slowly is a red flag. Something is up. Just go nc and give the situation some time.

[TroubledinNC]

Thanks for the advice. While it is going to hurt like hell for a while, at least I didn't have too much invested in this thing - not years, like some others here.

 

While she stated she would be open to talking tomorrow, I think I'll just start the NC right away - best to just start moving on, I suppose.

 

It's been a while since I found somebody that I had this kind of attraction with right away - I guess this means I at least have the capacity to care. I sure as hell didn't before I met her, and I have to admit - there was something emporwering about that. Freedom from the BS found in relationships these days.

 

I imagine she'll text me tomorrow to find out when we should talk, but she'll have no response - all pics and contact info has been deleted. The process has begun, I guess.

 

Thanks again for the reinforcement, here. I really did need it, as stupid as that may seem after reading the original post.

[salmagundi]

I've been that guy too man.... When I first started dating my present ex about 3 years ago we got about a month into it when she, out of the blue, send me an email telling me that she thought things were going to fast, she wasn't sure about things and she wasn't sure about her and her ex. She told me she had to end things and was sorry. (at least she was very honest and upfront...)

 

What did I do? I was pissed. But I simply replied that I was cool with that, I understood, "hey no worries, **** happens...I hope you guys figure it out and I wish you all the luck in the world. Maybe see you around but if not...well...take care!" Then I went NC. It took her three days to ditch the ex and come back. Mind you, here I am all broken up again three years later so careful what you wish for.

 

But the moral of my story is cut contact, let her go and see if she comes back...

 

Good luck:)

[steveblack]

7 weeks and she already has brought up her ex for having a place in her heart for him?? Dude she is not over him obviously.

 

Not to be blunt, but you might be the rebound. Its not a bad thing, but it could be the case.

 

Seriously leave now, this is not the making of something good.

[TroubledinNC]

...Seriously leave now, this is not the making of something good...

 

No doubt. I agree wholeheartedly. This is going to be much more difficult than I had expected...I know that from reading other posts, and how I feel right now.

 

When I started to think of NC as simply "protecting myself", instead of something I am doing TO her in the hopes of reconcilition - it got a bit easier to wrap my head around.

 

I just hate this awful empty feeling right now...

[steveblack]

Yeah join the empty feeling club. You got this though my dude. It sucks, yeah but we got this. Just got to be strong. You don't deserve a partner that 7 weeks in ****s another dude.

 

If you were my close friend I would say wtf is wrong with you, stop mopping over this XXXXX, she is not respecting you, just toying with you.

[StrangeBehaviors]

All how you look at it.

 

You got to hit some other guys chick for 7 weeks that is a flake.

 

What she does with him about breaking up, banging someone else for awhile, she will do to you at sometime. Remember that.

 

You got lucky to get out.

[TroubledinNC]

All how you look at it.

 

You got to hit some other guys chick for 7 weeks that is a flake.

 

What she does with him about breaking up, banging someone else for awhile, she will do to you at sometime. Remember that.

 

You got lucky to get out.

 

While all the advice I have gotten here this evening has been solid...I think this bit of advice is going to really help get the NC ball rolling. That is exactly how "the old me" would have told a friend to look at it.

 

Good stuff, and thanks.

[TroubledinNC]

DONE!

 

Well, I got the last word prior to starting NC (which is what I think most of us want). Thanked her for an "interesting" summer, and told her best of luck in her endeavors.

 

Finishing this up in classy fashion makes me feel better about no contact moving forward...

 

Thanks for all the great advice!!!