Brandroid Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Hello everyone, thanks for reading this. First off, i know what i should do, but i just dont know how to go about it. So here it goes: My wife and i have been married for 3 years, I have been the sole money maker since our relationship began, i have NEVER cheated, abused, hurt or done anything that would constitute divorce. We had a son a year ago, after this, my wife kind of went crazy. So 3 months ago my wife tells me she needs time apart, she has been very weird and distant. Starting about 6 months ago, i work all day then when i would get home she would take the car and go out all night, usually until about 7 a.m. Wouldn't tell me where she was going to who she with with. After she moved out with literally nothing, (no money, car, etc...) i found out she had been using meth. Since then, she has started with some guy, who physically abused her. Shes been homeless, hurt and on drugs. She abandoned me and my child, she hadnt called to ask about him the entire 2 months. Ive had people break in my house and steal everything, had my life savings drained from my bank account, meth heads showing up at my door all hours of the night etc.. I filed for divorce, but now, she went to a rehab, she hit rock bottom with people abusing her, stealing from her, all kinds of craziness. so now she is in the clinic and is realizing she had it made. I mean when i met her, she literally had a duffle bag full of clothing and that was it. Ive bought her about 3 cars, 2 of which she totaled while high. Anyway, of course now she is wanting to come back. I know theres no way in hell i should let her. But how should i tell her this? Once shes out of the rehab, she will be homeless again. I really dont want her to get mad and start trying to fight for custody or child support... any suggestions?
NeverSettle Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Wow! You are amazing to have held things together bro. Ask her if she has learned to love herself yet. And DO NOT let her skate back in only to burn you again. I shall pray for you and your situation whether you want me to or not.
NeverSettle Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Hello everyone, thanks for reading this. We had a son a year ago, after this, my wife kind of went crazy. Forgive me for high-jacking your thread. I’m sure someone with all kinds of experience will come along shortly and give some sound solid advice. But I just could not help wandering if the “crazy” after the baby was also brought on by some sort of SSRI medicine. Because unlike a lot of folks here where they have been so hurt that the first thing their counseling or psychiatrist prescribes is Prozac, Zoloft, Wellbutrin or Effexor, etc. When a patient is under the effects of these drugs, it dulls the natural emotions that one gets from the highs and lows of a healthy emotional state and brings them into a dead feeling where they may react in different directions.
Author Brandroid Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 Forgive me for high-jacking your thread. I’m sure someone with all kinds of experience will come along shortly and give some sound solid advice. But I just could not help wandering if the “crazy” after the baby was also brought on by some sort of SSRI medicine. Because unlike a lot of folks here where they have been so hurt that the first thing their counseling or psychiatrist prescribes is Prozac, Zoloft, Wellbutrin or Effexor, etc. When a patient is under the effects of these drugs, it dulls the natural emotions that one gets from the highs and lows of a healthy emotional state and brings them into a dead feeling where they may react in different directions. Not a problem, Yes, they gave her lexapro, i dont know if this would cause this or not. but honestly, this is the first time she ran out and did drugs, but not the first time she ran out. I dont get it, i have a GOOD job, i get paid well. I have been nothing but caring and respectful of her and trust me when i say, sexually speaking, i am a rare breed among white men if you catch my drift. But no matter what i do, or how hard i try, she always ends up running off with some broke loser that is going no where (the last guy literally didnt have enough money to buy her mcdonalds.) He was 34 years old, living with his mom in the projects.
2.50 a gallon Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Your first responsibility is to your child. Do you have an attorney, or is this a do-it-yourself divorce? Your best bet would be to take your concerns to an attorney
jgregory4614 Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 This is a broken relatkonship. I know people that are like her. People with that type of addiction is hard to kick even with rehab. This is not healthy for you or your child. She needs family support. Support from her family. You need to go your own route in life and let her show you that she can deal with this on her own for a while. Just my opinion if you take her back she will know she can do this all over again and you will take her back. This is a serious problem and a major crossroad in you and your childs life. Make the best choice and stick with it. Love Life! 1
Author Brandroid Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 She needs family support. Support from her family. Thats the problem though, she has litterally burned every bridge she has ever had. I've talked to her family, even her extended family, no one wants to deal with her. So when she gets out of this rehab, she will be homeless. Thats the only problem im facing, no i dont want to be married to her, but i dont want her homeless either. I know i cannot let her back in just because she will be homeless.
so_difficult Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Wow I feel terrible for you and your child, but please do not allow your sympathy for her to ruin life for the two of you. It sounds like your wife is a very troubled person. If she is truly getting her life together then she will figure things out for herself. Please don't have "knight in shining armor" complex. If she wants to succeed, she will, and she may have an even better chance of success if she doesn't have you to pick up the pieces. And please make sure her visits with your child are supervised. Again, if she's really cleaning herself up she'll be fine with having to prove herself in all these ways. I'm sure there are some halfway houses or something like that around where you are to help recovering addicts get back on their feet.
wow04 Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 I am so sorry you are going through this. You need to remember three things: 1. You didn't cause it. 2. You can't control it. 3. You can't cure it. If she ends up homeless that isn't on you, it's on her. As a recovering addict myself, I am telling you that she needs to see reality. I am sure it is hard to watch, but you have to. Take your boy and get on with your life. Don't let her have visitation until she has been clean for a long while. It is a hard process to get clean and stay clean. If she is really serious about it, you will see a change in her. I am sitting her with 9 years clean and I work a program of recovery everyday. Your focus needs to be on you and your boy. Give him the best possible life that you can. See a lawyer and get custody of the boy.
KatZee Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 I dont get it, i have a GOOD job, i get paid well. I have been nothing but caring and respectful of her and trust me when i say, sexually speaking, i am a rare breed among white men if you catch my drift. But no matter what i do, or how hard i try, she always ends up running off with some broke loser that is going no where (the last guy literally didnt have enough money to buy her mcdonalds.) He was 34 years old, living with his mom in the projects. She's a broken individual, that's the problem. It's not about you, or what you have or haven't done. You could be the second coming of Christ and it wouldn't matter. She has a lot of inner demons, and a lot of problems that will take years and years of therapy to sort through. She was homeless and doing drugs when you met her. I was first going to say she had postpartum depression but then I read on and on how she's ran out on you more than once, gets with drug dealers, druggies, etc. I feel she is dead on the inside and nothing you do will break through this. I agree your first priority is your son. Please do not allow him to be around such dysfunctional behavior. This woman is not fit to be a mother, she is no role model and she will do nothing but traumatize your son by playing the in and out game. And the older he gets the more he will remember and one day he'll realize his mother is a drug addicted delinquent. Keep her away from your child. She needs to show you so much right now. In therapy, half-way house, or an in-patient program for a few months. She needs to drop these loser friends, quit the drugs, establish some self-esteem and self-love...
Chi townD Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 I agree with the other poster. You need to look out for yourself and your kid. I mean, MY GOD! You've had meth heads breaking into your house, that would have never have happened if she wasn't doing what she was doing. Hey, if she gets herself straight, then great! But, that's her deal. Not yours. She did this, she decided that her partying lifestyle was more important than you and your kid. That was her mistake and it's a mistake you don't have to live with.
mark982 Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 get to a lawyer, make sure you get legal physical custody.
Author Brandroid Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 Thank you all for your responses, its pretty clear what i need to do. Thanks!!
stillafool Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 Thats the problem though, she has litterally burned every bridge she has ever had. I've talked to her family, even her extended family, no one wants to deal with her. So when she gets out of this rehab, she will be homeless. Thats the only problem im facing, no i dont want to be married to her, but i dont want her homeless either. I know i cannot let her back in just because she will be homeless. Why is it your responsibility to worry about her being homeless? She is an adult with no one but herself to take care of. If she has burned bridges with her family and they don't want to deal with her why should you burden yourself with her? Take care of yourself and your child and leave her alone. She will probably backslide and get back into drugs and infidelity again. Addicts rarely make it the first time around. Do yourself a favor and leave her alone.
Author Brandroid Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 Update: So she has completed 2 weeks of rehab, she is now completely sober. She's back to the woman i fell in love with BUT i still want a divorce. She is now begging me, and i mean BEGGING me to stop the divorce. She says she realizes what she had and does not want to lose me, that she loves me too much to lose me. What should i tell her? Sorry, shoulda thought about that before? The only reason im asking is because of our son. I want him to have a mom, but i dont think i should go back to her after everything she's done.
KatZee Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Update: So she has completed 2 weeks of rehab, she is now completely sober. She's back to the woman i fell in love with BUT i still want a divorce. She is now begging me, and i mean BEGGING me to stop the divorce. She says she realizes what she had and does not want to lose me, that she loves me too much to lose me. What should i tell her? Sorry, shoulda thought about that before? The only reason im asking is because of our son. I want him to have a mom, but i dont think i should go back to her after everything she's done. No one gets of meth or straightens up after 2 weeks. That's just reality. She's damaged, like I said. She can be begging all she wants... if one of these meth-heads were to wave a bag of drugs under her nose, she'd be back into it in under 5 seconds. She needs MUCH more than 2 weeks of rehab.
Author Brandroid Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 She`ll always be his mum no matter what happens. But maybe you shouldn`t give up on her. you married her for a reason? She`s making steps to get better. "you dont think you should go back to her after everything`s done"" ... Everyone deserves a 2nd chance? Give her some slack See i tend to think like you as well. But this wouldnt be the second chance this would be the 5th chance. Since we've been in a relationship, she has cheated on my 4 times and ran to a different state with a guy once. Then all this happened. I just dont think i should let her do this to me.
Steen719 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 No one gets of meth or straightens up after 2 weeks. That's just reality. She's damaged, like I said. She can be begging all she wants... if one of these meth-heads were to wave a bag of drugs under her nose, she'd be back into it in under 5 seconds. She needs MUCH more than 2 weeks of rehab. KatZee is most likely correct in this summation. You really need to do these things. Google meth rehab. Drug counselors will tell you that meth is frequently more difficult to kick d/t the physiology of the high. Call a drug counselor or rehab center and talk to someone about this. If you get a chance, read the book Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction by David Sheff You will have more knowledge about meth and its hold on people after reading this. This is one of the most honest and revealing books about meth addiction I have read. Unless your wife is a very unusual person, she is not recovered at this point, Brandroid. It could take years. You cannot leave your son with her alone. Never. Until she has been sober for a long time. That is putting him in potentially grave danger. Google children of meth addicts. I went to a conference on addiction and a sheriff talked to us about meth addiction. I was floored. I had worked with alcoholics and cocaine addicts for most of my career as a social worker and had not seen the devastation that meth caused. I am serious. She has a long, long road ahead of her and you need to take care of your son before anything else. Please do some research and at least make any decision you make an informed one. Good luck. 1
Steen719 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 read this: Castaway kids: when parents use meth, children become casualties » Knoxville News Sentinel and Child Welfare League of America: Childrens Voice and Children suffer from parental meth addiction - Health - Children's health - NBCNews.com Just in case you think that I am overreacting. 1
wow04 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Update: So she has completed 2 weeks of rehab, she is now completely sober. She's back to the woman i fell in love with BUT i still want a divorce. She is now begging me, and i mean BEGGING me to stop the divorce. She says she realizes what she had and does not want to lose me, that she loves me too much to lose me. What should i tell her? Sorry, shoulda thought about that before? The only reason im asking is because of our son. I want him to have a mom, but i dont think i should go back to her after everything she's done. Good for her on the 2 weeks of rehab. If she isn't working some type of recovery program, she will be using before you know it. Addicts are liars, it is that simple. She needs to prove to you that she can and is willing to stay clean. What do you tell her? First you need to figure out for sure if you want the divorce or not. If you want the divorce you are honest with her. You cheated on me 4 times and you used drugs. I am sorry, but I am unable to continue this relationship. Let her know that you want her to be clean and sober. Then you file for divorce and get custody of your son.
KatZee Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 most of all she needs support from the people she trusts the most? Support does not equal taking her back and allowing her to be around kids at this time.
2sunny Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Get sole custody of your child. Not being with her helps HERto find HER WAY. That is up to her. Don't take her back I to your daily life u til she's been showing evidence of being sober for at least a few years... It takes that long for the brain to recover from the damage she's done to it. It gives her time to show evidence she's changed. Do NOT allow her to see the child alone! Stand firm. Trust is earned - and she hasn't earned it - THAT takes YEARS of being predictable and consistently good with your word matching actions.
Recommended Posts