whathurtsthemost Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Hey all, Well, my gf of 2 months, I broke up with her because I was her plan B, or certainly felt that way. But she also professed her love for me, envisioned a future, kids etc... she came on way strong... and I fell for her. To cut a long story short, her actions didnt match her words and she has been trying to live a single life along with a relationship and has placed more priority on the first and Ive been getting the scraps of time. So I broke up with her. I couldnt do it face to face, too many things had happened that showed I was a plan B so I facebooked message her and explained everything and said goodbye. I'm hurt, because, part of me wants to believe I wasn't being played, or that there was some genuineness in her statement. She has a lot of positives too. She hasnt contacted me since I broke with her - she did say the night before that she would do what it takes to make it work, but it is my opinion that if you genuinely feel as in love as she verbally expressed, those things would have come naturally and I shouldn't have to tell her. What do I do if she comes back to me? I've erased everything, sms, whatsapp, her number, only way I can contact her is via facebook but I am not planning on doing that. Can a person change? She has a lot going on in her life, she didnt plan on a serious relationship, but there is a clear incongruency in her words and actions and I dont know if she is scared of intimacy, unable to commit to her feelings in actions because she has so much going on, or she is using me. Hell, I wasnt looking for love, but it happened and I committed to see it work until I realized she was not putting in the same effort and consideration. All I know is that what ive seen, I don't like - some she can change, some maybe is just who she is and I have to lump it or leave it. What do I do if she contacts me? I've not completely written her off, but I just couldn't go on feeling unimportant, especially when she said she loved me so much and wanted a future bla bla bla.... Her actions didnt match her words and boggled my head so I cut it off because it wasn't getting any better. I should say that if she hadnt declared her feelings so early on (we did know each other for some time prior to our physical relationship) I would be ok - but its the whole I love you so much and want a life with you and then treating you as secondary which bugs me as I felt I could let my guard down and become emotionally involved. Thanks!
Casablanca Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 If you were her plan B and she contacts you, that is because Plan A didn't work out...I'd just leave her be and ignore her. 1
lil hoodlum Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Maybe you were a rebound for her? I'm just guessing here.
Eddie Edirol Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 How was she trying to live a single life? You watched for the red flags, but I wonder if it was paranoia. You could give her another chance, but I need a lil more to see how she treated you.
Author whathurtsthemost Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 How was she trying to live a single life? You watched for the red flags, but I wonder if it was paranoia. You could give her another chance, but I need a lil more to see how she treated you. - She lives with her flatmates. She was always cutting our dates short to get back to either cook or something else for her friends... I work during the week, she knows that; as I am self-employed, I managed to grab a coffee here and there during the day with her. I would always hope that at the weekend we could do something, but she would never initiate anything and then as I said, would be tired or cut our dates short on a Sunday because she had to get back to be with her friends who she lives with?? - She would want to see me when her friends are not around and she expressed on more than one occassion that she doesnt like to be alone. - I would be able to see her mostly during the week, weekend though she was out partying with her friends, then too tired to see me next day and there was little consideration on her part. - She knew how long exactly we were spending each week together. Once she even said, we spent 17 hours this week together??! - She has a lot of male friends; she was spending days on the beach with one of them and then she would go out that same night partying with the same bunch... She spends more time with male friends than me and some of that time is out drinking and partying. More time than what she is spending with me. - She started to avoid sleeping at mine with excuses. I guess those are some of the indicators... For someone that professes to love me deeply, she just wasn't really showing it. It felt like she had the brakes on but in my mind that wouldn't happen if she felt the way she said she did. Thing is, she did say she wanted to take it slow - and she has sat down with me to try and "work" things out. So I said I wanted to spend at least one night a week sleeping with her at mine. Which she agreed to. She said she wanted to spend more time with me too. But thing is, shouldn't she already know that? Should I have to tell her?? I guess what I am worried about is giving her more ammunition to play me further...
Leigh 87 Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 I hate to say it, but she is either: - into you, but is selfish and does not know how to treat people she loves well OR.... - she likes you a lot, but not enough to fully commit her time to you. If I am REALLY into a guy and DO love him, I put him BEFORE my mates.... And I do not go out partying with guys often, or spend more time with my male friends than I do with my partner....... It is okay to go and party with your mates of the opposite sex occasionally, but not all the time! SOME people can be madly in love, and also enjoy partying; and still enjoy it once they are attached, without their partner... But if your that in love and love to party, you would probably do it with your partner MOST of the time... However, if she is into going out and your NOT, than it will be very hard to make things work. Sorry, but if she is attractive and is a decent and likable enough girl, she WILL get with other guys if she costanrtly partys with them. That is what partying is: good times, lotsa alcohol and possibly drugs, and men and women who are horny and enjoy casual sex, or sex with a person they really like and plan to keep seeing.
Leigh 87 Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 But look mate, you did the RIGHT thing, by asserting yourself and telling her that you will not settle for girl who treats you like that. You need to be clear that: you love her and WANT to be with her, but the way she treats you does not make you happy. There is a chance she DOES love you or really like you ( on the way to falling in love with you), and simply does not know how to treat guys well. She might be selfish with those she likes the most, and try to come across as a busy girl that has a lot going on, and will not get too attached to a guy; it could be a protective measure form getting hurt in the past, or just the way she is. In the instance that she DOES love or really like you, I would leave it up to HER from here on; I if I were you in your situation, based on what u have told me, I would have said " if you really want to be with me, and want to show it to me one day, I will re consider us... if you want to be with me badly enough and are prepared to have a look at the way you show your love, and to change a little in order to make me feel more loved, I might consider it. " until your willing to make me a priority, goodbye. I believe that if you love someone, that you WANT to see them; that you WANT to factor them in a lot to your life......
Author whathurtsthemost Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 (edited) But look mate, you did the RIGHT thing, by asserting yourself and telling her that you will not settle for girl who treats you like that. You need to be clear that: you love her and WANT to be with her, but the way she treats you does not make you happy. Well, thank you for that - I do feel I did the right thing, but at the same time I also think she is just confused and is scared of getting hurt because when I am with her, she does spontaneously look for my hand and initiate a lot of touching, kissing, etc... Thing is, the other stuff that don't add up to a congruent picture has sent me running... I already emailed her, detailing out her incongruent behaviour and my ending line was: "I want someone that is just as crazy in love as I am with you, but in reverse. I have to feel that or else I hurt and because I can't change you... you should have realized how important I was to you, and so far you have shown that actually, I am not that important so it's goodbye. Bye babe". I didnt have the guts to do it face to face, so I actually sent her a facebook message - I sent her an sms saying it's goodbye time and that I was sorry I could not do it face to face. I know she finds it quite disrespectful, but I just couldnt tell her face to face because I was too hurt. I've not heard from her since, it's day 2 today. So I have asserted my position - I didn't really give her any hope for making it work, but she knows how I feel about her so hopefully she will remember that. Is it worth contacting her? Or should I wait for her to at least make an effort? I think her view on male friendships is vastly different to what I view - she probably thinks Im a jealous guy, but it's not all about that, it's about respect and creating trust. Still don't know what to do.... My gut says to wait for her to contact me so that I keep my position, but as I said, I didn't really give her any hope... Edited July 31, 2012 by whathurtsthemost
Eddie Edirol Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 Either she doesnt care, or she is waiting you out to break and contact her, so you can miss her, so she doesnt have to make up for putting you second. I think blew you off often to make you break it off with her so she wouldnt have to dump you and deal with the fallout. Dont contact her, she is probably with the guy shed rather be with now. BTW, since her words didnt match her actions, I believe she was giving you lip service so that she could keep you around on her terms. Ive seen that happen alot. I dont believe she meant anything she said, it was manipulation. If she would rather go to the beach with those guys rather than you, then she just has more fun with them than you. If she has more fun with them than you, then you might have to take a good look at yourself and see why that is. I say you forget about her. Youre both not on the same page, and its already been established in her head that she doesnt want to spend most of her time with you, she wants to have fun. Leave her be, and dont pick up the phone if she calls. Find another girl, or else this will happen again.
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