phoiyikas Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 A warning – this is going to be bit long. So I apologize in advance. I just want people’s thoughts and opinions on my relationship because I don’t know anyone in person who’s had a lot of life experience with relationships. And if anyone experienced similar to me, I’d really like to hear your advice/story/comments … So my 8.5 year relationship ended yesterday. It was, for both of us, our first relationship. We met in high school, became friends, and then started dating in the last year of high school (we were both 17). We dated through undergrad, and then moved halfway across the country together when I started grad school 4 years ago. Now I’m 25, and he’s 26. The two big problems: lack of sex and arguing. We didn’t have sex until about 4 years into the relationship. It was all me – I felt uncomfortable about sex (I went to a catholic elementary/junior high and my friends at that time were mostly all Christian and were pretty conservative), I didn’t want to get pregnant, and I thought that virginity was something “special” and if the boyfriend really loved me, he’d wait. When we finally had sex, it was horrible. He couldn’t get it in and it was so awkward and it took a long time before sex didn’t hurt. Then I just didn’t really want to have sex anymore. I don’t know why, but I didn’t find it pleasant. And so, for the last 4 years of the relationship, we never had sex often and it was rarely good (although there’s been a few times where I liked it). When he’d try to hit on me, I’d often find excuses to avoid sex (sometimes I dread him coming home from work because I didn’t want to have sex with him), and when we did have sex, I wasn’t that into it. I didn’t realize until recently how much my avoidance/rejection virtually destroyed his self-esteem. I just don’t understand why I didn’t want to have sex as much as he did … Arguing – we argued a lot, even when we started dating, but they got worse over time. I don’t really even know what we argued about, probably everything and anything. I’m a pretty confrontational person and he was very conflict avoidant and passive aggressive. I think the arguments drained us both emotionally, as they often became emotionally abusive, from both of us. As in, we’d insult, mock and swear at each other. We just became really mean to each other … and I think over time, our feelings for each other dwindled and were replaced by hatred (him) and indifference (me). Anyway, two years ago, the boyfriend met another girl at work, and over time, he’s developed some pretty strong feelings for her. We argued about her a lot over the last two years and our relationship has really gone to hell (although it wasn’t too good before) since then. He always maintained that he had an “attraction” to her, while I always felt that the attraction ran a lot deeper. Yesterday, he finally came open and told me that his feelings were “inappropriate” for a friend. He denied that he’s “in love” with her, because he doesn’t know her enough to really love her, so I’m not sure what his feelings are? From the way he talks about her, he focuses on her good traits and never on any bad ones. Anyway, that’s why we broke up finally, because I didn’t want to be someone’s 2nd choice. I guess my point is that I’m feeling really confused. On one hand, I do want the feelings we had for each other at the first half of the relationship to return and want to work on the relationship. I feel like the relationship had potential (based on our similar values, and common interests), and I feel like I should have worked on it. We were talking about commitment yesterday, and he said that while I was loyal to him, I wasn’t committed in the sense that I was willing to work on the relationship, which I think in hindsight is true. On the other hand, I feel disgusted that he likes/loves someone else and feel like it’s demeaning for me to even contemplate working things out, although to be fair, I’ve been attracted and even had feelings for someone else myself in the past (but not to the same extent, since I didn’t have to work with the guy and my feelings fizzled out). And I feel like if I had put more effort into the relationship, he wouldn’t have developed such strong feelings for another person … Anyway, I have some unresolved questions, so I’m hoping that people here can help… for example, how come I didn’t want to have sex as much as he did? I had feelings for him, and I found him physically attractive … Also, could we have changed our argumentative styles? and, do people in long term relationships develop strong feelings for other people? And when this happens, is this the very end, or do people work on the relationship and try to fix things there? And generally … how do people have good relationships? Thanks in advance
Ruby65 Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 It sounds like you were pressured to have sex with him before you were ready and really wanted to. Don't blame yourself or think there's anything wrong with you. When it's right, you'll know it. This was NOT right and I think it's for the best that this relationship is over now. Once you get into an emotionally abusive pattern that goes on for years, it's very hard to break out of it. It's better to be out of the relationship, for both of you. Hopefully you've learned from this experience and next time around you'll choose a boyfriend who's more compatible and can communicate effectively and resolve conflicts without resorting to abusive behavior. Honestly, it sounds like this relationship had run its course. I think it's for the best it's over and I wouldn't feel guilty about not staying in it longer to work on things, especially if he's looking at other women. Really, who needs that on top of everything else?
sage1320 Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Almost the same story of yours except I met my ex fiancee at age 14 I was 15..Now I am 25 and she broke up the engagement about 6 month ago..I wrote a thread if you want to read it..anyways...Me and my ex were really sexually active during our first 6 years together..but eventually we stopped having sex because we both found God..so we decided to stop having sex and still lived a good relationship.. so as a bf & gf..you can have a relationship with no sex..Sex is only for a Husband and wife..so I admire you for your decision and I encourage to have no sex until you have your husband...When you have sex with someone you become a part of them..so when a break up happens, the feelings are so intense that it's harder to let go of them.. do people work on the relationship and try to fix things there? And generally … how do people have good relationships? It takes two for a relationship, If only you want to work things out and he doesn't then its not a relationship..In order to have a good relationship there needs to be communication..respect..
KatZee Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 I kind of feel like this relationship died a really long time ago and neither of you wanted to face it. Instead you both beat this dead horse into the ground. It's been years and years of unhappiness, fighting, problems, lack of communication, emotional abuse... and NOW you want it to work? Now that it's over there's some sense of needing to try to bring it back... there was no sense of this years ago or even months ago... it's probably just the shock of this being over and the finality of it. I feel like time apart would probably be best for the both of you. I can't imagine either of you are happy in any sense of the word. I'd say you were both together out of obligation more than anything. I don't feel you were ultimately compatible on a relationship level either. Sure, you both may have loved each other at one point, but it truly doesn't seem to be that great a match for either of you.
KatZee Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Anyway, I have some unresolved questions, so I’m hoping that people here can help… for example, how come I didn’t want to have sex as much as he did? I had feelings for him, and I found him physically attractive … Also, could we have changed our argumentative styles? and, do people in long term relationships develop strong feelings for other people? And when this happens, is this the very end, or do people work on the relationship and try to fix things there? And generally … how do people have good relationships? Thanks in advance Your sex drives were just different. It could be because his is stronger than yours, or it could be a lack of pleasure for you. I remember with one of my exes, the sex really wasn't that great. As a result, my libido did a nose dive and I never wanted sex. It wasn't pleasurable, it was more of a chore, so I never cared about it. Once I met someone who DID get me going, we had sex at least once daily. Could you have changed argument styles? Unlikely, no. It seems like you both have issues with communication, and it takes a while to learn how to properly adjust this. And since neither of you really addressed it, and just kept going for years and years with dysfunction, it kind of eroded the relationship to where it is. My ex is like yours. Passive aggressive, avoided conflict, never communicated... and no matter how much I tried to get him to see what he was doing, no matter how much I tried to get him to open up, he never did. Do people have strong feelings for others while in a relationship? Of course. Why do you think affairs happen? Does it mean it's the very end? Well it's absolutely not a good sign. It shows something is missing for one or both people, and it depends how strong that other person feels... for both their actual partner, and this outside party. In my case, when my ex and I first met each other, we were both in relationships. We never physically cheated on our partners, we were friends, but we absolutely bonded, and fell for each other while we were in our respective relationships. We both came clean to each other, and then our partners. We left our respective partners, and we got together. We dated almost three years. A good relationship also takes work. It takes commitment from both people, and the desire to work on it no matter what. To know that there WILL be bad times, but at the end of the day you still want that person no matter what. It takes amazing communication. It takes trust, dedication, faith, respect, honesty, perseverance, the ability to let the little things go, to have fun together, laugh and play together, and to be best friends with this person.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 OP, you sound like a good egg, and I think you should pursue understanding about your aversion to sex, rather than try to solve this relationship. I think you have it in you to have a healthy sex life, and while I can understand resistance from a 17-21yo girl, the part beyond that doesn't sound very healthy. The best way to find a terrific mate is to have the best understanding of yourself you can when going in...
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