LvRorynVan Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Hello All! Just joined moments ago, this seems like a helpful place, im hoping to not feel so alone right now. I just recently was left by my SO of 8 years. We have had ups and downs like any couple, but lots of passion, could make each other laugh, supported each other, and have/had real love. Some details that have made it rough would be that we met right out of high school, had our first child at 19 when we were in a more volatile state of our relationship. Had our second child at 20. Last summer he finally proposed. We were supposed to be married on Sept 1st of this year. Last November a good friend of his past away. He met up with some old high school buddies and started hanging out with them more and more, never involving me in these nights out. Said he would "when he was done feeling them out" whatever that means. I would give him a hard time when he started spending entire weekends overnight with these people I had never met and just left me and the kids every wknd by ourselves at home. In January he said he wanted to be single again, that he didnt want to be tied down. His exact words. I was devasted because I didnt see it coming. Our wedding plans were coming along well and we had happily planned details of it days earlier. I left for 2 weeks and did some soul searching and realized I didnt want to lose him, and was worried about his new attitude towards thing. Since his friend died and he met these new friends, he has been like a different person. We have been living together and we have been working on things. In the last couple of months they started really improving until a couple of weeks ago. He has started really pulling away and not sharing or talking to me, completely shutting me out. On friday of last week we told me he was worried about us, he was confused, he felt overwhelmed, like he just wanted to run away. I tried to be supportive, but I was also scared and cried and told him I wanted him to communicate with me. Saturday morning he told me he wants to "be single and party" "not be tied down" "not have to answer to anyone" "needs more space" "loves me but isnt sure if hes in love with me" "can handle his life" "doesn't deserve his family" and that just wants to move out, he did. I am so devastated and confused. I am angry. He has been gone for 3 days, has made no attempts to check in with the kids, left me no money (Im a stay at home mom), and I have no idea where hes gone to. I am not going to try to contact him, I figure when he gets himself figured out he will get a hold of me. I love him so very much, I am worried about the man he has become in the last 9 months. I'm not sure if I should hang on to some hope of this working out, or prepare that he will never want me again. Its hard to have both hope and prep for the worst. I feel very lost and abandoned and scared. My main focus is getting a job, keeping my kids happy and health and keeping life as normal as possible for them. Thoughts???
leutseym Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 I feel so sad for you, and your kids. You especially though. How lost and scared you must feel with no money, 2 kids...Do you have any family you can turn to? It sounds to me like he just needs to get his partying days over with and done. He sounds very confused as well, he knows what his responsibilities are to you and the kids, but yet his wants are greater. You both started a family young, if right out of high school, so now he must just want to feel those younger days that he missed. I knew someone that had the exact situation happen with them, she had 2 kids, he was out partying all the time, she was at home taking care of the kids...until...the kids weren't infants anymore, she got a babysitter, got her body back, along with her beauty and self respect, got a part time job...and you know what? He came back, she made him babysit, came and went when she wanted to, then met someone she worked with and left him. Unfortunately, when young people take on the responsibility to start a family right after high school, it seems like one or the other feels they were "robbed" of their youth. You just hang in there, start getting your beauty back, and take the world by storm as a great mom! 1
NeverSettle Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Hello All! Just joined moments ago, this seems like a helpful place, im hoping to not feel so alone right now. I just recently was left by my SO of 8 years. We have had ups and downs like any couple, but lots of passion, could make each other laugh, supported each other, and have/had real love. Some details that have made it rough would be that we met right out of high school, had our first child at 19 when we were in a more volatile state of our relationship. Had our second child at 20. Last summer he finally proposed. We were supposed to be married on Sept 1st of this year. Last November a good friend of his past away. He met up with some old high school buddies and started hanging out with them more and more, never involving me in these nights out. Said he would "when he was done feeling them out" whatever that means. I would give him a hard time when he started spending entire weekends overnight with these people I had never met and just left me and the kids every wknd by ourselves at home. In January he said he wanted to be single again, that he didnt want to be tied down. His exact words. I was devasted because I didnt see it coming. Our wedding plans were coming along well and we had happily planned details of it days earlier. I left for 2 weeks and did some soul searching and realized I didnt want to lose him, and was worried about his new attitude towards thing. Since his friend died and he met these new friends, he has been like a different person. We have been living together and we have been working on things. In the last couple of months they started really improving until a couple of weeks ago. He has started really pulling away and not sharing or talking to me, completely shutting me out. On friday of last week we told me he was worried about us, he was confused, he felt overwhelmed, like he just wanted to run away. I tried to be supportive, but I was also scared and cried and told him I wanted him to communicate with me. Saturday morning he told me he wants to "be single and party" "not be tied down" "not have to answer to anyone" "needs more space" "loves me but isnt sure if hes in love with me" "can handle his life" "doesn't deserve his family" and that just wants to move out, he did. I am so devastated and confused. I am angry. He has been gone for 3 days, has made no attempts to check in with the kids, left me no money (Im a stay at home mom), and I have no idea where hes gone to. I am not going to try to contact him, I figure when he gets himself figured out he will get a hold of me. I love him so very much, I am worried about the man he has become in the last 9 months. I'm not sure if I should hang on to some hope of this working out, or prepare that he will never want me again. Its hard to have both hope and prep for the worst. I feel very lost and abandoned and scared. My main focus is getting a job, keeping my kids happy and health and keeping life as normal as possible for them. Thoughts??? What kind of drugs is he on? I'm sorry he doesn't love you, your kids, and especially himself enough to know that whatever he is searching for could be right there with you as easily. You will be in my prayers tonight as well. Please start to focus just on your future alone without him and what goals in life could make things better for you and your family. 2
Author LvRorynVan Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 Today is a hard day for me. We havent talked at all, until today he sends me text telling me he hopes I can figure out my finances on my own, as he will not be able to help me. He also stated that he never thought he could leave his family but "he just had to" and hes looking forward to finding his own place. I know this is what needs to happen but it was like a knife in my heart to hear, and I dont know why he needs to keep telling me over and over again that he "just had to leave". Its makes me feel like his life with me was so miserable and I took really good care of him. I dont understand why loving me is so hard. Im having a hard time keeping it together today. He wants to talk in person later today to talk about how to split time with the kids, and divide our things, Im worried about how Im going to hold it together. I need some advice or something. Help!!
Author LvRorynVan Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 What kind of drugs is he on? I'm sorry he doesn't love you, your kids, and especially himself enough to know that whatever he is searching for could be right there with you as easily. You will be in my prayers tonight as well. Please start to focus just on your future alone without him and what goals in life could make things better for you and your family. Thanks so much for the support. Im trying to focus on my future alone, all the while feeling so rejected by the one person I gave my whole heart and trust to. Its a killer feeling, this kind of heartache.
so_difficult Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 he hopes I can figure out my finances on my own, as he will not be able to help me. Hello? He thinks he can just completely walk away from his financial responsibility to his family? He may be able to walk away himself, but he still has to support his kids. You should call a lawyer right away. Where I live is a place that helps abused women but they also give a lot of help to women in situations like yours. I think you should see if there is such a place where you live. 2
wow04 Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 I am not sure where you live, but you need to file for child support. He thinks he can just walk away and he is wrong. He doesn't have to be there for you, but he has a financial responsibility to those kids. Don't let him just walk away without paying his fair share for the kids. I know your heart is breaking. It has to be rough. He is gone, you have the kids, and no money. I am so sorry you are in this. If you have friends or family that can watch the kids, go and try to get a job. Get on with your life. Don't fall into the pity trap. Show him that you can be happy and live without him. I wish you the best of luck. 3
Author LvRorynVan Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 It is so devastating when someone you love changes so much, and just abandons you and your kids like its nothing. I dont know how someone can do such a thing in a loving home, with a loving wife. Confuses the sh** out of me!!
Author LvRorynVan Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 I feel so sad for you, and your kids. You especially though. How lost and scared you must feel with no money, 2 kids...Do you have any family you can turn to? It sounds to me like he just needs to get his partying days over with and done. He sounds very confused as well, he knows what his responsibilities are to you and the kids, but yet his wants are greater. You both started a family young, if right out of high school, so now he must just want to feel those younger days that he missed. I knew someone that had the exact situation happen with them, she had 2 kids, he was out partying all the time, she was at home taking care of the kids...until...the kids weren't infants anymore, she got a babysitter, got her body back, along with her beauty and self respect, got a part time job...and you know what? He came back, she made him babysit, came and went when she wanted to, then met someone she worked with and left him. Unfortunately, when young people take on the responsibility to start a family right after high school, it seems like one or the other feels they were "robbed" of their youth. You just hang in there, start getting your beauty back, and take the world by storm as a great mom! Thank you so much! I need to hear things like this right now. This site is really helping me cope through out the day so I dont feel so alone. Thanks for taking the time to respond
wow04 Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 I had my first kid at age 17, not proud of it, but it is what it is. I could handle having her young, her father couldn't. He tried very hard at first, but he had to go have his fun. At that time I thought he was the love of my life, boy was I wrong. I am glad we had the time together and I got a beautiful daughter out of it. I have my daughter all the time, she hasn't seen her dad in two years. She is now 14. I remember being heart broke, because he left. And I was scared to raise a child on my own. It worked out. You can do this. Your heart will heal and you can raise those babies with or without him. 1
Author LvRorynVan Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 wow04- Thanks for responding. He tried really hard at first also, really made me believe that he though family was the most important thing..now im realizing he might have just been playing a part all this time, resenting that he couldnt just do whatever he wanted, which is what he wants now. His words "I just want to be able to do whatever I want with no one to answer to". Classic GIGS, and it sucks. I can't imagine trading family life for a lonely party life filled with one nights stands and a ****ty apartment...I JUST DONT GET IT!!! And I probably never will...
Ami1uwant Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Today is a hard day for me. We havent talked at all, until today he sends me text telling me he hopes I can figure out my finances on my own, as he will not be able to help me. He also stated that he never thought he could leave his family but "he just had to" and hes looking forward to finding his own place. I know this is what needs to happen but it was like a knife in my heart to hear, and I dont know why he needs to keep telling me over and over again that he "just had to leave". Its makes me feel like his life with me was so miserable and I took really good care of him. I dont understand why loving me is so hard. Im having a hard time keeping it together today. He wants to talk in person later today to talk about how to split time with the kids, and divide our things, Im worried about how Im going to hold it together. I need some advice or something. Help!! In all honesty there isnt much you can do to convince him. He needs to do it himself. He still is legal responsible for the kids. The issue isnt loving you.... The issue is---and this is common in your situation---one realizes they got involved too young and havent gotten to the point of living and knowing what out there. There are probably more here because you two met after high school and you likely grown apart over the years. This is very common in a young relationship. There is likely something more to him losing this friend and meeting these other people and their interrelationships. Before his friend died his life revolved around you and the kids....then after the friend died he had a deep thought to himself "is this what I really want in my life??".
Author LvRorynVan Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 In all honesty there isnt much you can do to convince him. He needs to do it himself. The issue isnt loving you.... The issue is---and this is common in your situation---one realizes they got involved too young and havent gotten to the point of living and knowing what out there. This is what I need to keep telling myself instead of asking myself "why am I not good enough for him?" or "whats wrong with me that he doesn't love me anymore?" Ugh! I just wish I could fast forward to a year from now and not have to feel all this time and pain of getting over him
Author LvRorynVan Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 Also thought I would update on whats went down today. Im kind of using this thread as a journal now. We got together at lunch today and discussed child support and how we're going to split time with the kids. We figured the child support out and he will be standing up to all of his dad duties financially and having to actually parent without me being there to buffer when he gets annoyed with them. It will be interesting to see how things change when he has to parent all by himself. He really hasnt had to more than a whole day in his life because Ive been home full time while he works or does whatever. It was a rough conversation to have without crying saying "please be with me, aren't I enough??" but I got through it ok. Tonite is my first night without the kids..going to be really weird/sad/ok because I can break down and not worry about anyone seeing me do it. He got an apartment, its just all so real now. Its really sinking in that WE ARE DONE. My heart hurts
macy Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 I don't have any deep advice to give you however please know I will say prayers for you and your children. Know that you aren't alone and with time it will get easier. Right now I know that sounds impossible. I've been there... I have 2 children myself. Take one day, hour, minute at a time. Take care of yourself. Be strong. You're in my thoughts. And most of all know this has nothing to do with you and your worth as a woman. It's has everything to do with him. 2
Author LvRorynVan Posted August 1, 2012 Author Posted August 1, 2012 Todays journal entry: I feel worse today than the day he first left. I ve been thinking about all the sweet touches, and good times, and joking around, and feeling so safe with him and it makes me want to just curl up in a ball and fall into a black hole. I want so much for him to come home, its just tearing my heart up. I dont know how anyone gets through this feeling and lives. I have lost 5 lbs in a week, i dont want to eat, I cant sleep, I dont feel motivated to do much of anything. All the while when he comes to get the kids, I try to act like Im doing great and that this doesn't bother me..its the biggest LIE ive ever told. I keep hoping that he will realize how wonderful we were together (because we were!!!). I lot of people that have known us for years say they dont recognize the man he's become, and they say "oh, he'll realize it after some time alone and want you back, I just know he will" it gives me hope which makes this worse. Everytime he says anything to me wont look at my face, and acts so confident in his decision to move out. But then wants to joke around with me, and talk to me about his day....I want to just scream and be like "wtf!! you just turned my life upside down, i dont want to f***** hear about your day, a**hole!" Ugh, this is torture!!!
wow04 Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 What about keeping the conversations about the kids only? Having no other contact than that? It will be hard, but you have to try to forget about him. You need to take care of you and your kids. 1
Author LvRorynVan Posted August 1, 2012 Author Posted August 1, 2012 What about keeping the conversations about the kids only? Having no other contact than that? It will be hard, but you have to try to forget about him. You need to take care of you and your kids. That is what we are doing and it kills me that he acts so cold toward me, but a week ago he was being loving, and acted like everything was fine, and were still having sex and everything, im just blindsided by this whole thing
worldgonewrong Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 LvRorynVan- This is what cheaters do, re acting cold. And it will get progressively colder. He's disgusted by himself for being a pig, for cheating on someone so devoted. So he starts to turn that disgust on you. He thinks your unconditional loving is suffocating and that inwardly, subconsciously, he's unworthy of it because he's playing around outside your relationship. Just read this whole site about people who have been cheated on. It becomes textbook, despite the variance of stories you'll read. They become cold, detached. They can't be bothered anymore with any of the fun or duties of the relationship you had. They paint your ENTIRE history black eventually. They'll say how they were 'never happy' with you, and they pin it ALL on you. And if you're a sensitive, loving human being, you will (like others, like me) suffer the criticism at first and assume ALL negativity as true, just to preserve the relationship; you'll be self-sacrificing even more, humiliating yourself more, just to somehow 'wake them up'. In fact, your humble lowering-of-yourself will do nothing more than solidify their reprehensible actions, because they'll mistake your love and humility for weakness. This will perversely strengthen their sick resolve. So...watch out. I went through these hoops. And it's torture. And it's futile if the other person is hell-bent on pursuing their own selfish desires. Remember the love you first had with this person? It was great, right? It filled up every pore of your being, your soul. But the disregard they have for you now? It can become dangerously cancerous. It fills up every pore of your soul like a cancer, and they just don't care. Be careful, and look out for yourself. Truly. It's not a cliche. Otherwise their toxicity chokes the living hell out of you. 2
Prisspot Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 I am wondering if he hasn't started a drug addiction with these friends of his. I am going through the exact same thing with my husband. We have been together for nine years, no kids, in a very happy marriage. He got strung out on cocaine back in September and his behavior gradually started to change over about nine months. He started to spend money we didn't have, his drinking escalated, he spent more and more time away from home, started picking fights with me, etc. I eventually found out he was not only deep into a cocaine addiction, but he was also having an affair with a stripper, who is also a cocaine addict--which is why he got so deep into his addiction. I am not suggesting your SO is with someone else, but drugs and alcohol is something to consider if he is partying a lot. Disappearing for days on end, as you mentioned, is a sign of active addiction. I had NO idea my husband was on drugs or sleeping around. It was a total shock to me. We had always been so happy, but it totally explained his uncharacteristic behavior. I called his parents and they sent him off to rehab, then I thought he'd try to make things work with me. Nope, he got an apartment with some rehab buddies 2 hours away. I have not heard one word from him since before he entered rehab in the middle of May. It has been horrible. I cannot stop crying over the sudden end to my marriage. He is 36 years old. I found out he had been telling his friends that he was "tired of being married because he was tired of being told what to do." This was very hurtful for me to hear because he had more freedom in our marriage than anyone I know. I am exactly where you are, hoping time will help heal this broken heart. I would recommend you read Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. It's a great book to read for what to do when your spouse suddenly leaves. I keep telling myself that it is not about me, but it still hurts. 1
Author LvRorynVan Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Journal Entry of the day today: This has been a terrible day, obviously. Its only been 5 days since he left. Talked to him today about our situation. Friends of mine told me to "play his game" and not show him that this is crushing me. I am not good at hiding my feelings. When I feel them, i show them. It can be a curse. He came by and I had to see his face so he could get the kids. I asked what this is, a seperation and some space, or a total break up. He very coldly said seperation, and then said "I dont want a break from my kids, just a break from you" I could have died it was painful to hear. I have been busting my ass since January to be loving and supportive and all that happy horse sh** and he tells me "just because you're nice for a couple of month doesn't mean everything is fine". He's very angry with me and holds much resentment towards me. Angry because of the way I used to treat him which is the same ways he's treated me since Jan. Its like hes giving me a taste of my own medicine and him moving out is like a "ha! In your face". He told me even though i was trying he never really opened his heart back up to me and wonders if its too late to try to love me again. This is just awful because I have changed, I have learned that I want to be the self I love and share that love and my life with him and our kids. He just doesn't trust me, thinks my passion for him is too intense and wants nothing to do with me for awhile. I asked him if we should start dating other people, he said he does not plan on dating or being sexual with anyone else. When I asked him if I should date he acted very offended and said "what? you wanna date other people right now?? Wow, go right ahead then". I just dont know which way is up. Its hard to be patient, have hope that he'll come back to me, move on at the same time. Being alone all the time is torture. I miss my best friend, not just the warm body that slept next to me for 8 years. Right now I feel like this pain will never go away. I feel like my heart is going to stop beating. I feel like hes dead but I still him pick up the kids every week. I feel like dog sh**. I just want him to miss me. I want him to want me like he used to. I feel so helpless and out of control. I know all the positives. Stay focused on yourself, stay busy, be grateful for the life you do have, its not me its him, I deserve better. It all sounds like bologna to me right now. This pain is more real to me than any moment of love I have ever felt. I keep replaying memories, happy ones and wonder how we lost those times. I think about the fights and the arguments and wonder if I should have said something different. I wonder all the time if this really is all my fault. I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright, but even if someone did, it wouldnt make me feel better unless it was him. As Usher would say, I got it bad! I feel better now that Ive purged all of this and Im not really expecting anyone to read this daily journal entries and reply, its just so therapeutic and easier than writing by hand in a journal. Welp, tomorrow is another day...
wow04 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I have to ask why you brought up seeing other people???
Author LvRorynVan Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 I have to ask why you brought up seeing other people??? I guess I was fishing to see if he was really leaving me for someone else. Just because the thing he has said kind of go along with someone who has interest in another person. It kind of blew up in my face..
Recommended Posts