IncredibleGrace Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Hi all New to this forum...and have a feeling I'm going to learn a lot! 3 weeks ago, my other half, of 3 years, broke up with me. I think I knew from the beginning that he struggled with commitment - he was edging toward 40 and had never been married. I heard on the grapevine that he broke up with his previous girlfriend, because he had bought a new cooker and she had said, 'Wow, I would love to cook on something like this'. And that was enough...it was too cozy, so he broke up with her. But, he pursued me and wouldn't let go. There were MANY obstacles in the way, not least of all, we worked for the same company (though in different cities, thank goodness!) and it would mean a LDR. He pursued me for 9 months and finally, suggested we have dinner and then when we did, it was pretty much instant 'we're in a relationship' (he changed his Facebook status the very same night!). We had a bit of a rocky start - he was pretty poor on contact. He would text me all the time, but hated the telephone. When he texted, it would go on all day...and we'd be back and forth but all the time, I was thinking, 'I want to build an emotional relationship with you....and text aint gonna cut it'. He told me he really didn't like the phone...so in time, I accepted it. He'd sometimes go 2 days without contacting me and I'd fall into total despair, but then he'd pop up, with suggestions of holidays together and dates and when I was with him, it was little short of perfect. He was so romantic, took me straight home to meet his parents, his friends and rapidly integrated me into his life. His parents fell in love with me...and though our contact levels weren't brilliant, when we were together, it was sheer bliss...and he was full of plans for the future. Fast forward to a year later though and I consistently felt like he was keeping me at arms' length. We were on holiday together and he was acting weirdly....so against my better instinct, I decided to look at his phone. What I saw, blew my world apart...porn...and a trail which led me to discover he'd been badly abused as a child. I confronted him and he fell apart and despite it being the most painful experience of my life, it was oddly the most intimate because we were talking like we had never talked before. He told me he loved me deeply and he had never loved a girl properly before...but I had gotten under his skin and in his words, 'I just can't bear to lose you'. He promised to get into counselling....but he stalled for a while, till in the end, I told him that unless he did it, I would leave him. That seemed to shock him into action, so he got into counselling....and we ended up taking a break for 6 months, while he did that. I felt like he needed space, in order to process the past, without the complication of keeping up a relationship. The 'break' wasn't a very good one, because we still kept in touch and ended up texting/emailing most days. I also had permission from him, to connect with his counsellor and get updates....so that worked really well for me. 6 months passed and we agreed to spend a weekend together and he was ALL over me...it was just like old times, except this time, he was open, honest and was talking happily and openly about his 'issues' and all he'd learned through counselling. I knew it wasn't 'over' but I saw such cool changes, that I thought it was worth genuinely fighting for. He told me that he owed me his life, for forcing him into therapy, when he would never have done it on his own. Finally, we decided to get back together, though we went to see the counsellor together. The counsellor asked us if we had something worth fighting for and he immediately said, 'Yes, I think so'. So, we agreed to get back together....and we did, but in my heart, I didn't feel totally happy. It didn't feel like his heart was totally in it. I couldn't describe it....but he started seemingly stalling on arranging a date to see me...and then one time, I rang him, he didn't answer and he didn't call me back...and I knew we were in trouble. 5 weeks after we decided to get back together, I arranged a weekend to see him...but all week, he'd been weird with me, just sort of distant. That morning, he broke up with me. He didn't make ANY sense, he was all over the place, saying his counsellor had told him he needed to make a decision about me, and make a commitment one way or another. He said he felt pressured and weirded out and thought I wanted more than he did (something I had NEVER, EVER said!). He said he loved me and had really, really fallen for me but couldn't give me what I wanted...and suggested we take another break. I said 'no' that if he didn't know he wanted to be with me, after 6 months, that he obviously didn't know and never would. He looked at me sadly....and yet all I could sense from him was sheer panic. His responses contradicted each other and he made NO sense at all....he was all over the place. I was pretty firm with him....I loved him hugely and was willing, after we all had been through, to keep on going...but he was stressing out massively and I couldn't see any way forward, so I got the next train home. And then I crumbled! I decided on NO contact at all, as I wanted him to feel the pain of loss (maybe that was wrong, I don't know??). 2.5 weeks later, he sent me an email for work purposes but it was clear he wanted to get into conversation. I treated him professionally but just decided not to get into chit chat....I figured there was no point, he'd made his decision and that was it. I have since heard from his family and mutual friends (who have told me they're devsatsted....and firmly believe he has made the worst decision of his life!!) that he regrets things and has been missing me terribly. But of course, he's said nothing to me. Such a painful, painful experience. I can say, hand on heart, that I probably would not go back to the chaos of limited contact and uncertainty...and all the stress of not knowing how he really felt about me....but at the same time, he feels like my 'soul mate' and I'm kinda stuck on the idea that we clicked like no one had ever clicked before. He was my life, for nearly 3 years....and he loved me in a way he'd not loved a girl before....and yet doesnt have the need or desire to go forward, despite ALL we have been through. What a mess, eh? I wish there were second chances...to start over....but I think I have to accept, 'It is over'. It utterly stinks!
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