Bailey14 Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 I stopped posting here a few months back and swore I would never come back. I must have an addictive personlity because I can't stay away. My sister died 3 months ago, my dog died 3 weeks ago. If I ever had the courage to end this affair, it has dried up. I just cannot stand anymore loss right now but, the relationship continues to torment me. I told a friend recently that he does not give me what I want or what I need. Is there anyone out there who can help me understand why I continue to love him???
Author Bailey14 Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 Thanks for the hug, LG. Now tell me why I continue to love him!!! ( Oh sage one.)
Owl Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Thanks for the hug, LG. Now tell me why I continue to love him!!! ( Oh sage one.) I'll give it a shot. You don't love him. You love how he makes you feel. You love your PERCEPTION of him... But as you've already pointed out...he's not meeting your needs. You're not in love with the guy that isn't meeting your needs...you're in love with the idea that he could/might/maybe will someday. And in truth...that shouldn't be good enough for you. You've noted it's an addiction. You're right...that's precisely what affairs are. There's one solution to this kind of addiction...and you probably won't be ready to face it until you've truly reached rocked bottom. I apologize if this comes off as harsh...it's not meant to. I'm simply being bluntly honest with you. When you're truly ready for change, you'll come here asking for us to help you change. 7
Author Bailey14 Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 Doesn't sound harsh at all!! Sounds like the unvarnished truth. Before my sister was diagnosed with cancer I came here looking for support to end this dead end relationship. I know what I have to do.......just not doing what needs to be done because I just cannot cope with anymore loss. I am still mourning my sister's death and my dog's passing is so new. My heart cannot take anymore loss right now.
skywriter Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Bailey, I understand the experience of loss. It causes us to reevaluate the significant things in life. For myself the A was like carrying alot of uneccessary weight all the time, 24, seven. Eventually, we ask ourselves the hard questions in any relationship, mother, daughter, friend, lover. Something gets us to this point, and everyones start and finish is individually decided. I'm thinking back and your MM has a very ill wife if I remember correctly. So your situation is very unique. Your asking why you continue to love this man. Has he been attentive to you during these months of mourning?
Art_Critic Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Bailey.. sorry for the loss of your sister, and your dog. Many years ago I had lost my grandfather one year, then my stepmother the next and my grandmother the same year and then my dog.. Then.... I broke up with a girl I was dating and I had the most trouble letting her go.. I felt like I was just tired of losing things close to me and I forced myself to try and not lose that GF... I look back today and totally understand what I did and I feel sorry for that poor girl, as I was only trying to stop the pain from losing someone else close to me. I would suggest you seek some help.. someone to help you get thru all the grief you feel and hopefully then you will realize you are holding onto the MM because you just don't want to feel the pain rather than the right reasons. Good luck and hugs.... 3
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 I believe too, he knows how vunerable you are, so even if you break up with him, he's not going to back off because he is thinking of himself, not what is best for you. Sorry to hear about your dog. pets are family members too, so I feel for you on that, I lost my cat last year.. I double what Owl has said. 1
scatterd Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 After all the losses you have had I'm sure it is hard to make this final leap. You feel you are addicted to OMand that is what happens. When you decide to go NCeverybody will help you. I am sorry for your pain. Big Hugs:bunny: 1
Author Bailey14 Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 I do have a very good therapist who is helping me with all the grief and she is aware of the affair. She knows it causes me torment but, she will not push me to end things right now. She feels it would be just too much for me to handle right now. The goal now is to move forward from the grief of losing my sister and my dog and get strong enough to end the affair.
BetrayedH Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 I do have a very good therapist who is helping me with all the grief and she is aware of the affair. She knows it causes me torment but, she will not push me to end things right now. She feels it would be just too much for me to handle right now. The goal now is to move forward from the grief of losing my sister and my dog and get strong enough to end the affair. I doubt there is ever a "good" time to end them. That's why they go on for eternities after an OW knows she is ready to be done. 2
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 I do have a very good therapist who is helping me with all the grief and she is aware of the affair. She knows it causes me torment but, she will not push me to end things right now. She feels it would be just too much for me to handle right now. The goal now is to move forward from the grief of losing my sister and my dog and get strong enough to end the affair. Though what you can do, each day/each week is, rely on MM less and less. Branch out and reach out to other friends instead of him. Not talking about dating, I mean friendship and conversation, support. You need to start detaching from him and unincluding (is that a real word?) him from your life. Not include! Haha.. Anyway, keep posting here..Yes, LS is addictive! But it's helpful. I do agree it would be too much to handle, but you can still be proactive in detaching bit by bit and relying on him less to make you feel better, to feel an emotional connection. Hope that makes sense to you. 1
frozensprouts Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Hi Bailey... it sounds like you are recovering from a huge loss, and like any other recovery situation, there are bound to be peaks and valleys. Right now you are in a valley, but it won't last... I hope you feel better soon... it does sound like it would be good if you could find another source of support so that you don't need to rely on married man to provide it...that way you'll still have lots of support without the guilt that attached to seeking support from this married man
Author Bailey14 Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 Hey, FS, so good to hear from you!!! The sad part of my situation is that I have a whole bunch of support. I have a group of friends who are my rock. I have my surviving sister whom I adore. The people I work with could not be any more supportive. My world is full of loving human beings. And I continue to let him into my life because the little bit of time we spend together is so very, very lovely.
Lostinlife4now Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 It is not necessary to call me names......I believe that is exactly what the moderators warn against. I am most assuredly not lazy. I was with my husband for 15 years, I had a second relationship that ended after 10 years and my last relationship lasted 16 years before he died. Oh no please don't call my girl Bailey "LAZY"! She is FAR FROM IT! Bailey....I have been a little out of sorts...but I am here for you! When you are ready to cease the R...YOU WILL BE READY!!!!!! P.S...A zebra cannot change it stripes.....(If ya know what I mean)
Lostinlife4now Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Yes. Because you're lazy. You simply don't want to put in the time, energy or committment it would take to have a real relationship with someone who could be fully committed to you, and you to him. You don't want to risk it. BAILEY is far from being LAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Author Bailey14 Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 Oh no please don't call my girl Bailey "LAZY"! She is FAR FROM IT! Bailey....I have been a little out of sorts...but I am here for you! When you are ready to cease the R...YOU WILL BE READY!!!!!! P.S...A zebra cannot change it stripes.....(If ya know what I mean) Hey, sweetheart, how are you??? Never had any doubts that you are here for me. When I am healed enough to make a day trip and you are healed enough to accept a visitor, we shall meet. You are in my thoughts daily!! And you are darned right......I don't have a lazy bone in my body!!!!
beenburned Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Bailey, Glad to hear you have great support around you! I personally think you have been in a vulnerable stage in your life, ever since you have been with the MM. Maybe this is why you feel the need to continue seeing him. Time will ease the grief you have experienced to the point you will see things more clearly later on. Best wishes for your future!
Author Bailey14 Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 And here's the really crazy part, beenburned.......I have been in love with this man since I was 16 years old. Sad, huh?
beenburned Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Bailey, I'm not familiar with your story. Did you go to school with MM?
Author Bailey14 Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 Yes, we have been friends since 6th grade. In high school we were FWB and for the last 43 years we have been in and out of each other's lives. This newest stage of our relationship has been the toughest. We really did not intend to fall in love with each other......my God, I'm 60 and he is 61......but, we did. He will not leave his wife and I understand all the reasons why. in the meantime, my heart aches.
Happyface Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 Hi Bailey, Some people don't understand about loss. Sometimes, you temporarily lose the strength to be able to do what you know must be done. I am sure you will get to doing it when you can. Meanwhile, be kind to yourself. Perhaps this is just not the best time to relinquish the A. I remember you well. xGentlegirl. YOu will get there eventually. A loss can knock you off your feet for a long time. Two or three in a row can throw you into total lala land. Happy face.
Author Bailey14 Posted August 1, 2012 Author Posted August 1, 2012 Hi Bailey, Some people don't understand about loss. Sometimes, you temporarily lose the strength to be able to do what you know must be done. I am sure you will get to doing it when you can. Meanwhile, be kind to yourself. Perhaps this is just not the best time to relinquish the A. I remember you well. xGentlegirl. YOu will get there eventually. A loss can knock you off your feet for a long time. Two or three in a row can throw you into total lala land. Happy face.[/quote Thank you.....you get it and you get me. I am so fragile right now that I can't get through an entire day without tears. Yesterday my boss called me into his office to talk to me about expanding my responsibilities and I STARTED CRYING!!! I cannot end yet another relationship right now. Thank you for the support.
skywriter Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Bailey14, Hope you are beginning to feel a bit better these days. 1
Howcouldyou26 Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 (edited) Wow sorry to hear about this and yet I kind of understand what your going through. The past year for me has been horribly rough..I left a big career because of this twisted A...My best friend killed himself 6 months ago..I slipped into debt..My parents divorced and pulled me into a whirlwind of fights if I choose a side..but besides that my other bestfriend was killed two months ago..my dog died two weeks ago..I was in an A for three years..and I felt he was all I had to help me be happy at times...However, he hurt me big the last few weeks..He acted careless and then I caught him in a lie with his wife and he feels he can't give me what I want..He flat out said it..He had kids but I know that's his main excuse.. You are one step ahead of me with a therapist..I can't seem to just woman up and go to one...But I ended my A two and half weeks ago..after all that has went on why did I need someone that gave me short term happiness but then can always leave me and hurt me...I'm praying that it only gets better since I found the courage to walk away for good this time..I hope you find it in you too..when you really realize what others can offer you without putting you on the back burner..it really makes you think..I pray for your strength! Edited August 9, 2012 by Howcouldyou26 Too not add confusion 1
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