SilverLining Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Hello all. I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago. We had met in Japan 8 years ago and became friends, then traveled to Japan a year later for a month, where we had a fling. I didn't feel like we had a strong connection, so I didn't pursue a relationship, even though the guy was in love with me. We maintained contact for the next 6 years or so through email and online messaging, barring one short visit. Last year, I was teaching in the middle east and after years of unhappy relationships, I was ready to try again with him. We traveled Southeast Asia together and moved to Japan as well, where I found a job. Throughout our time together I realized I wasn't as attracted to him, but I wanted to try and see if something could build. I also was carried away by the love and devotion he gave to me and I wanted to make him happy. After months of dating, I still didn't love him, still didn't feel passionate about him. He could tell, and in response we would fight, he would get moody, and his self-esteem would wane. I broke up with him because I recognized the situation and I didn't want to hurt him anymore. He found a job in Japan and he moved away, coming to see me on weekends, which was fine for both of us, since being in a new country is very lonely. Well, after a month he quit his job, moved back in with me, and decided to go back to America when I was leaving for vacation. He spent two months at my place and although I was very, very sad when it was time to go, crying for about 2 weeks beforehand, I could not tell him I wanted him to stay with me. I miss him terribly, but I am able to go throughout my day and I am even excited at the prospect of someday meeting someone I might click with more. Last night he called and said he had made a big mistake leaving Japan and that he wanted to come back, but that he didn't want to come back unless I could agree to trying to make the relationship work. He made a ton of promises about fixing things that distanced myself from him, such as his negative and judgmental attitude. I told him that we were just a mismatch, but he has low self-esteem and he thinks he has something wrong with him. I feel terrible, he is so badly hurt. He asked me to think about giving it another chance, and not throw away everything, and I said I wanted to think it over and talk to him tomorrow (today). However, while I am so afraid of not finding anyone to spend my life with (I am 31), and I am so ready to settle down and start a family, I just can't see making it work. He has so many good qualities - complete devotion, we have fun, he is romantic and kind - but he is negative and stubborn about a lot of things, he isn't sure what he wants to do with his life, he isn't as physically attractive to me, and there were problems in the bedroom as well. I know I have to let him down and hurt him more. My question is, how should I do this in the best way? I have been hurt so many times and I have not been in this position in awhile. Thanks for your advice in advance!
Ruby65 Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Tell him it's over and there's no chance of ever reconciling. Tell him the truth -- that you love him as a friend but you're not going to ever want more than that with him, and that you respect him too much to keep him dangling with false hopes or keeping him on the back burner. Be firm. It's MORE KIND at this point to be honest and blunt. Don't leave him with one shred of hope -- because someone who's been dumped will cling for MONTHS to the single smallest shred of hope. Good for you for having the integrity not to keep him as a Plan B option in case you don't meet anyone else!
KatZee Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Your insecurity of not finding someone to settle down and have kids with is NOT a valid reason to continue on in this relationship. From day one you weren't attracted and didn't feel that "thing" you need to keep a relationship going. You proceeded anyway, only to learn that you still didn't feel anything despite all of his efforts and best intentions. YOU may feel adored and that he dotes on you and is a nice guy, but look at how you treat him. You're unable to show him your attraction, it leads to fights, it leads to his loss of self-esteem. For a relationship, a healthy relationship to work, both people need to make each other feel good. You don't make him feel good. He may love you, but he knows you don't feel it, and he now he's left thinking it's something HE did. He thinks there's something he can do to make you love him. He can't. I think you need to be completely honest now. It's been going long enough, and this poor guy has been jerked around long enough. It's going to hurt him to hear the truth, but at least it will be done with instead of saying, "I'll think about it." You're just giving him hope, and you KNOW deep down there is no hope. This doesn't work for you. You need to tell him that you're not attracted to him on that level and you can't see this working out anymore. Tell him it's nothing he did wrong, some girl will be lucky to have someone so devoted, but you just don't feel the chemistry with him for that woman to be you.
Author SilverLining Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 Um no, I never led him on. I was always completely honest with him. I have NEVER jerked him around. I do not keep him around thinking I will never find anyone else. I have some attraction to him but it is just not enough to justify a long-term relationship. I told him I would think it over only because I was feeling sick, I was exhausted, and I couldn't handle any more of that discussion last night. KatZee, you must have some issues of your own to be so aggressive here. It's not called for.
salmagundi Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Personally I thought Katzee's post was spot on... 2
Author SilverLining Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 Just because a relationship does not work out, does NOT mean someone was jerked around. I already said I had some attraction that I hoped would build, and it turned out to not be enough. When I realized this, I broke up with him. I then gave him a place to stay, for free, when he had no place else, for 2 months even though it could be distressing and a hardship for me. He is a very good friend, probably my best friend, and I have always been completely honest and as kind as I could be. In all of this, where is someone getting jerked around? I told him already I was not attracted enough, that it is just a mismatch, that there is nothing wrong with him, that I don't want him to feel he needs to change anything about himself. When he pushed, I couldn't deal with it anymore that night and I said we would revisit it today. How is any of this jerking around? I have done my best to be as kind as possible. I came here to get advice about how to continue doing my best by him, because I do NOT want to hurt him more than necessary, and I get people being nasty. Now, I know that's sometimes what happens here because people are bitter, but seriously? Where did I cheat on him, call him names, pretend I felt things I didn't? When did I keep him on for years for my own benefit? If anyone thinks that my behavior was jerking him around, then you aren't grounded in reality. People split up and it's not happiness and rainbows. You do the best you can with a bad situation.
Author SilverLining Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 (edited) Also, when we even started talking about dating, I was completely honest about the attraction. He knew everything. I do not hide anything from him. And KatZee, I think you missed where I said I had broken up with him MONTHS before, as soon as I realized that I didn't have enough attraction to sustain a relationship. Yes, you have the right idea completely about what a relationship should be, where you are going wrong is attacking me for giving it a chance and apparently misreading and thinking I have just been holding onto him this whole time. Edited July 30, 2012 by SilverLining
Ruby65 Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Um no, I never led him on. I was always completely honest with him. I have NEVER jerked him around. I do not keep him around thinking I will never find anyone else. I have some attraction to him but it is just not enough to justify a long-term relationship. I told him I would think it over only because I was feeling sick, I was exhausted, and I couldn't handle any more of that discussion last night. KatZee, you must have some issues of your own to be so aggressive here. It's not called for. Please understand many people here have been recently broken up with -- so obviously it's triggering. Personally I think your post should be required reading for everyone who's been dumped but is still clinging to the hope that if they just stick it out as friends and stay in contact, they might get their ex back someday.... Anyhow, best of luck with your situation!
Author SilverLining Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 Thank you Ruby65. I thought maybe someone here would have good perspective on a good way to handle it, since of course they are dealing with the situation. I have been dumped a few times, some were personally devastating. I tend to want to put my own happiness aside so others can be happy but that just makes a situation like this worse. It would be easier if there was zero attraction, zero feeling, zero anything, but that isnt the situation. I miss him and I care for him a lot, but I know ultimately it isn't enough, as much as I wish it to be otherwise.
Ruby65 Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 You're young and have years and years ahead to meet someone, fall in love and start a family. It's wise not to settle for someone you're not absolutely 100% head-over-heels in love with, regardless of how strong their feelings are for you. I think the consensus of opinion here is that it's best to be completely honest and direct, with no wiggle room. It's hard to say to someone "I'm just not attracted to you enough" but believe me the more blunt you are with your friend, the easier it will be for him to move on.
Author SilverLining Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 Thanks. That is exactly what I will do. It will be hard but best for him overall.Thanks!
KatZee Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Um no, I never led him on. I was always completely honest with him. I have NEVER jerked him around. I do not keep him around thinking I will never find anyone else. I have some attraction to him but it is just not enough to justify a long-term relationship. I told him I would think it over only because I was feeling sick, I was exhausted, and I couldn't handle any more of that discussion last night. KatZee, you must have some issues of your own to be so aggressive here. It's not called for. Nope, no issues of my own, nor have I been on the receiving end of this behavior. I'm calling it as I'm seeing it. You state somewhere below that you broke up with him because you didn't see it going long term... but... you GOT BACK TOGETHER with him. So yes, you did lead him on and give him false hopes that you were back, only to pull the same thing again. If that's not jerking someone around... I don't know what is.
Author SilverLining Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 i got back together with him...6 years later! 6 years of not seeing him at all. So no, it's not the same.
Tree_Salmon Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 i got back together with him...6 years later! 6 years of not seeing him at all. So no, it's not the same. But you kept in contact with him for those 6 years. Sounds like he was on the back burner. To your credit, he probably didn't mind being tagged along because he loved you so much so he's just as much to blame for not picking his balls up and breaking contact with you. If you truly didn't want anything to do with him you wouldn't be in this situation. You've also made it clear that you need to settle and he seems like a safe choice. I bet if he disappeared you would have a hard time dealing with it because hes been your emotional tampon for the last 6 years. I'm not trying to insult you, I'm just letting you know the REALITY of the situation. Because we've all been on both ends of this. I also look at the bottom line. In this case the bottom line is let him go or you're just using him.
weallfalldown Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Basicly idf someone else came along that floats your boat you'd be off....so you are messing with the guy!..............don't entertain it anymore.....
Author SilverLining Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 I kept in contact with him because he was my best friend. We stopped talking for a year or so right after, and then after that it certainly wasn't talk every day sort of thing. I was not keeping him on the backburner, he was free to see whomever he wanted, as was I. I don't need to justify being friends with someone. He lived across the country for that time. Emotional tampon? Wow. Look, if you want to read evil into every situation, you are going to find it. I think that you guys are reaching here. I'm getting attacked because 6 years after I had a 2 week fling with someone (which was right after I was reeling from a horrible breakup) I thought I should give the guy a real chance. Then I'm getting attacked because I realized I didn't have enough attraction to him and I broke it off. Then I'm getting attacked because he is pushing to get back together or keep trying, and I wanted advice on what I should do here, because I have feelings for this guy, I care for him, I would like more than anything in the world for this to work out but I am just not attracted enough to his body or the negative aspect of his personality. I am not just some b*tch stringing along a great guy until something better comes along. This causes me pain too! I am also feeling heartbroken about this! I know all the positive things that I am losing, not because it wasn't there, but because it wasn't enough! This is a really hard things to do and I am trying to do it with grace and honesty, and all I get is crap for it. What is the point of trying to do the right thing when I am just going to get blasted no matter what?
Tree_Salmon Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 I kept in contact with him because he was my best friend. We stopped talking for a year or so right after, and then after that it certainly wasn't talk every day sort of thing. I was not keeping him on the backburner, he was free to see whomever he wanted, as was I. I don't need to justify being friends with someone. He lived across the country for that time. Emotional tampon? Wow. Look, if you want to read evil into every situation, you are going to find it. I think that you guys are reaching here. I'm getting attacked because 6 years after I had a 2 week fling with someone (which was right after I was reeling from a horrible breakup) I thought I should give the guy a real chance. Then I'm getting attacked because I realized I didn't have enough attraction to him and I broke it off. Then I'm getting attacked because he is pushing to get back together or keep trying, and I wanted advice on what I should do here, because I have feelings for this guy, I care for him, I would like more than anything in the world for this to work out but I am just not attracted enough to his body or the negative aspect of his personality. I am not just some b*tch stringing along a great guy until something better comes along. This causes me pain too! I am also feeling heartbroken about this! I know all the positive things that I am losing, not because it wasn't there, but because it wasn't enough! This is a really hard things to do and I am trying to do it with grace and honesty, and all I get is crap for it. What is the point of trying to do the right thing when I am just going to get blasted no matter what? I have no reason to take anyones side. We're trying to bring some perspective to your situation but you are extremely defensive. You have all the facts: a guy who loves you and wants to be with you is talking to you for one reason. Knowing you don't feel the same should be enough for you to cut it off. You are not a victim of anything. You are choosing this. And I said it already, he is also to blame. One of you has to be an adult. He should have left a while ago so as not to get hurt. Guys stick around when they see hope. You should have made it clear there is no hope by leaving him alone. This isn't about arguing. You know what you need to do- let him go. Anything other than that course of action might be taken as hope by him. That is the reality. If he can't find the strength to do it then someone has to. Otherwise this wont end. I mean its your life, do whatever you feel is right. i'm just letting you know
KatZee Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 I kept in contact with him because he was my best friend. We stopped talking for a year or so right after, and then after that it certainly wasn't talk every day sort of thing. I was not keeping him on the backburner, he was free to see whomever he wanted, as was I. I don't need to justify being friends with someone. He lived across the country for that time. Emotional tampon? Wow. Look, if you want to read evil into every situation, you are going to find it. I think that you guys are reaching here. I'm getting attacked because 6 years after I had a 2 week fling with someone (which was right after I was reeling from a horrible breakup) I thought I should give the guy a real chance. Then I'm getting attacked because I realized I didn't have enough attraction to him and I broke it off. Then I'm getting attacked because he is pushing to get back together or keep trying, and I wanted advice on what I should do here, because I have feelings for this guy, I care for him, I would like more than anything in the world for this to work out but I am just not attracted enough to his body or the negative aspect of his personality. I am not just some b*tch stringing along a great guy until something better comes along. This causes me pain too! I am also feeling heartbroken about this! I know all the positive things that I am losing, not because it wasn't there, but because it wasn't enough! This is a really hard things to do and I am trying to do it with grace and honesty, and all I get is crap for it. What is the point of trying to do the right thing when I am just going to get blasted no matter what? You may have had good intentions but at the end of the day, he was lead on. It was most likely completely unintentional as you state here, but the guy was EXTREMELY into you from day one and went out of his way to show you that beyond a shadow of a doubt. If you read any post on this forum you will see dumpees who are constantly analyzing, overthinking, wondering what they did wrong, what their chances for reconciliation are, how much chance they have for the dumper to realize what it is they left behind... and so on and so forth. He's no different. He had all of those thoughts, did the whole NC thing and then you reintroduced yourself to his life. To ANY dumpee no matter how short or long a period after the breakup, they think... "why are they contacting me?! Why now?! Do they want to get back?! so they have missed me! that must mean they like me as something more!" If the dumpee has not gotten over the dumper, any contact always sets them back... right into the mind frame of over thinking, over analyzing, etc. So while it may not have been your intention to lead him on, or confuse him... you did. Even if he said something along the lines of, "I'm totally cool with being your friend!!" It's clear he never was fully over you because even 6 years later... he still jumped right back with you the second you decided to give him another chance... here in lies the problem I have... and what everyone else has. If you didn't feel that full attraction from day one... despite it being 6 years later, why would you give it a second go? At this point, you're well aware of who he is. His flaws, the negativity, his appearance... and you knew it wasn't what you wanted... so there was really no point getting into this again, and breaking his heart AGAIN. That's the mistake you made, intentional or not. You made this mistake. Now he has an even BIGGER problem, because not only has he dated you once and been burned, he hung on for 6 years hoping you'd come back, he got his wish, only to be burned AGAIN. So the healing he needs to now do is 10 fold. This is why you can't sit around making excuses, saying he's your best friend, you love him so much blah blah blah... you need to let him FULLY go, completely, honestly, and even if that means no longer having him in your life as a "best friend." This guy will always want more, and once you realize that, you'll see despite thinking, "he was free to see whomever!!" who he wanted was you, and you'll see how you've unintentionally been leading him on. 1
IncredibleGrace Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 As they say, 'to thine own self be true' and your own, 'real self' is telling you simply, 'this is not enough'. I know how awful and difficult it is, to contemplate the idea of being on your own, but at the same time, there is a lot more freedom in being on your own, than there is in being in the wrong relationship, stuck 24/7 with someone who you 'care for' but really, deep down, don't feel the great, passionate love that you want and need. I can't see you have done anything wrong...it is very easy, when you're on your own, to fall into a relationship which is 'ok', but 'ok' but does not make you happy or give you the fufillment your soul really, really needs! So, I would say you are in the right place, to shake it off and move forward. Don't settle for second best! 1
weallfalldown Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Sounds to me your feeding that ego of yours.....giving yourself some kind of power.....that isn't honorable.......i agree there are loads of posts from dumpee's going through all the head****s day in day out.....and your creating more problems by entertaining what you are!.
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