Decisive Women?

[Samson]

I went to see the therapist alone and she told me that once a woman decides she want a divorce, there is almost nothing that can be done to change her mind. This is because, by the time a woman utters the words "I want a divorce," she had already made up her mind some time before and has already emotionally divorced you.

- from another poster

 

Therapist = 2 Ph.D.'s and 32 years clinical experience

 

I'm curious to ask divorced female thread readers if they agree with this therapist or not?

[meanon]

I'm not divorced, Samson but for what it's worth I agree - as long as it's articulated as clearly as that.

[moimeme]

Well, not necessarily. Some people - and even some who have posted here - have uttered those words in haste, in the heat of the moment, or in order to get a reaction out of their husbands and then later regretted doing so.

Some, unfortunately, found that their husbands acted upon it even though they hadn't intended that to happen.

 

But if the person in question is not given to impulsive acts or behaviours and typically ponders all options carefully before making decisions, then I'd say that would be true.

 

As with almost every single thing in life, there can be no set rule that applies to all humans because humans are so different from one another.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Yes. It was true in my case.

 

I grieved the emotional loss and slow withdrawal of my husband's intimacy during the last three years of my marriage while struggling to work through it and remain in it. The "letting go" process happened gradually for me, so by the time I physically removed myself, it was already long over.

 

Like many of my divorced female friends, once my heart was finally ready to let go, so was I. The physical act of leaving was merely protocol. Once done, I was so much happier and lighter that no thing or person could have ever convinced me to go back.

 

My mind was absolutely made up.

[sinner]

This is slightly off-topic, but clearly related, Samson. THE AARP Magazine recently conducted a survey of over 1000 respondents. The subject: Mid-life divorce.

 

The survey found that more and more people are shedding their marriages in their 40s, 50s and 60s in a quest for personal happiness. Are these middle-agers finding post-marital happiness? All in all the answer is a resounding Yes! Check out this snippet from the article discussing the survey's findings:

 

"They're shedding their marriages in the quest for happiness.

 

Are they finding it? In most cases the answer is yes. That's according to a ground-breaking new survey commissioned by AARP The Magazine of 1,147 men and women, ages 40 to 79, who experienced a divorce in their 40s, 50s, or 60s. Overall, respondents emerged from the ordeal of later-life divorce far happier and emotionally healthier than most would have dared to hope at the outset. The study revealed other surprises as well—busting to bits, for instance, the common wisdom that it's the man who typically makes the decision to leave. And the fear of never finding love again? That's largely unfounded."

 

 

And it's women who demand mid-life divorce more than men. The husbands frequently don't have a clue:

 

"The majority of midlife divorces are initiated by women. Don't believe it? In the AARP survey, 66 percent of women reported that they asked for the divorce, compared with 41 percent of men. And men more often than women were caught off-guard by their divorce (the news blind-sided 26 percent of men, compared with 14 percent of women)."

 

I don't know if women are more divorce-resolute than men, but more and more are exiting mid-life marriages.

 

Check out the AARP Survey article in the link, below:

 

http://www.aarpmagazine.org/family/Articles/a2004-05-26-mag-divorce.html

[meanon]

I've read reports of studies with similar findings, Sinner. These were based on divorces in The UK and showed that across all age groups, women were more likely to be seeking divorce than men.

[Samson]

I'm somewhat disappointed in the quantity (not quality) of response?

 

Where are all the divorced women LSers?

 

Obviously, decisiveness is relative.

[ready2moveon26]

I think it depends on the situation. I thought I wanted a divorce because that is what I thought my husband wanted and I've always done what he wanted. I have never wanted him to be unhappy. We've been seperated for 4 months now and I've gone and seen a lawyer, but haven't acted on anything because I know that is not what I want. I've decided if he wants to divorce me, then he can, but I'm not going to do it just because I think that is what will make him happy. So in my opinion, women, including me, change their minds often. All we want is to be happy and if that is with the men we married then great, but if there is NO chance of that happening, then we need to get out and try to find happiness elsewhere. Again...this is just my opinion...

[Samson]

Ready2moveon?

 

Odd usrname based on your clearly, NOT ready to move on post.

[ready2moveon26]

See how much women change their minds...I made up that username when I thought I wanted a divorce...when I thought I'd be miserable with my husband if we stayed together...when I just wanted to do what made him happy...I've thought about changing it, but I'm already known by it so I didn't.

[marribell]

I told my ex I want to divorce many times without having it at all in my mind. It was an unmanageable fear. Emotional divorce took place only several months after separation.

[toolcutie]

I'm one who makes the list then. I had worked out my divorce for about 2 years. I comtemplated, and thought about it, tried to make it work, but it never did, and finally after we'd been married 6 years, I said it because I had divorced him emotionally at least a year prior I think. I just refused to say the words until I knew for certain that it was what I wanted and that for me it wasn't ever going to get better.

 

Toolcutie

[ladyangel]

I definitely had divorced my ex-husband in my mind long before the actual physical divorce. I explored every avenue, including individual and couples therapy before throwing in the towel. But once I left, that was it. Nothing could have changed my mind.

[ready2moveon26]

Well my mind has changed again. I had a friend call today to tell me she couldn't stand it any longer and had to tell me what she knew about my husband. Her husband and my husband are best friends and her and I are great friends. The on top of that my husband's cousin called tonight to tell me that these last two days that my husband has had our daughter, she has been at her house rather than his. If he isn't going to be responsible enough and unselfish enough to chose his daughter over his new whore, I don't want any part of it. Again...I'm done...we'll see what tomorrow brings!

[brashgal]

I've been decisive all my life but deciding on divorce was one of the hardest decisions I came to - I wiffled back and forth for well over a year. I'd probably still be married (for the wrong reasons) if my ex had completely cut himself off from the OWs. When I realized that I would always be looking over my shoulder, that I wasn't that important to him, I knew what I needed to do.

 

There was a good article in this months O magazine about having to win arguments - the message was, it isn't really about winning or losing - being right isn't more important than the relationship. I wanted to win by not having those women around, he wanted to win by not having me dictate who he could talk to or not talk to - the relationship lost as a result.

 

He's now with one of those women who hangs on his every word, who is always there for him - I see her as a decisive woman too - she's decided she wants him in her life and will do whatever it takes to keep him there.

 

I don't know if I was already divorced in my mind - I don't think so - withdrawal was painful - but it was more painful realizing over and over again that he didn't love me, he wanted someone else's company more than mine.

[Samson]

I definitely had divorced my ex-husband in my mind long before the actual physical divorce

 

and

 

I had worked out my divorce for about 2 years.

 

and

 

I told my ex I want to divorce many times

 

presumably over a lengthy period.

 

and finally;

 

I wiffled back and forth for well over a year.

 

all are testaments to a common theme, but it isn't decisiveness.

 

The common theme is that the divorce or not to divorce is a decision that is, if anything indecisive, and probably not gender specific (essentially, all these posters also had husbands that were a part of the long process).

 

Not surprisingly, untangling the predicament seems to be much more complicated than being trapped in its web.

 

My conclusion is that marriage is all too easy, and should be made much more complicated: At least as complicated as getting "unmarried."

 

Anyone beliving that a recitation of "vows," is enough to sustain a workable relationship for a lifetime should be baked in their own wedding cake.

[sinner]

Anyone beliving that a recitation of "vows," is enough to sustain a workable relationship for a lifetime should be baked in their own wedding cake.

 

 

You're a poet, my man. A poet.

 

Disentangling a marriage after 20 plus years is a lengthy, painful, messy and complicated process that takes years--especially when children are involved. Emotional separation usually precedes physical separation. Spousal conversation, eye contact, shared activities and intimacy approach zero by the time one spouse leaves.Even so, the "abandoned" spouse still claims surprise and dismay over her mate's exit. The long, slow laborious unraveling of a marriage is an ordeal. It is not for the faint of heart.

[thecake]

This was true in my case. By the time we went to a marriage counselor I had already decided I was going to divorce him, but I think I wanted the validation from a professional that the marriage wasn’t worth saving and she pretty much told me it wasn’t and that sealed the deal for me. After our last session I told my ex I wanted him out of the house in 30 days. His crying had no effect on me either, which sounds harsh but I was emotionally cut off from him at that point. I remember thinking his reaction…those tears….didn’t make sense to me given that he had driven me to tears on numerous occasions and never flinched. What did he expect my reaction to be? How much crap did he honestly think I was willing to take that early on in a marriage? Obviously he underestimated what I was willing to live with.

 

In hindsight, I realize how odd this sounds but things were so black and white to me back then. Once I made the decision, it was full steam ahead and I never looked back. I had an organized plan…I’m not sure I even cried at that point…I remember feeling giddy…excited at the thought of being on my own again…I was happily re-decorating before he moved out. I think he “pretended” at first that this wasn’t happening – I noticed he hadn’t started packing his stuff so I packed all of it for him and had the boxes neatly stacked in the foyer.

 

Getting out of that marriage was amazingly easy…but we were only married for a short time.

 

Ironically, we remained pretty good friends for years after we were divorced until he got re-married. I liked him as a person but not as a husband.

[Samson]

THECAKE,

 

I must admit seeing your usrname after my wedding cake comment sent a little shiver up my spine!

 

But your commments caused me to consider:

 

I liked him as a person but not as a husband.

 

The need for a separate thread.

[HokeyReligions]

We both threatened divorce MANY times during our marriage. His favorite phrase "go our separate ways" still makes my stomache drop to my feet. It was always the catalyst for me to take action to save the marriage.

 

When I finally did make up my mind I wanted a divorce for real, we went back to counseling to save the marriage, but I knew and I told him that I was resolute. I like him in a friendly way, but there is no romantic love or intimacy. The therapist helped us to make the divorce an amicable thing. Cripes! We still live together because we can't financially afford to live separately -- YET! I won't lose my home and if that means that I have to tolerate him, so be it.

 

The article from AARP was interesting, I admit. I get those stupid mailings and I refuse to read them---I give them to my mom and she reads them! I'm NOT THAT OLD DAMMIT! I don't want to be grouped in with the retired 70+ year olds!

[Samson]

We still live together because we can't financially afford to live separately -- YET!

 

Yes, "poverty:" the glue that hold so many marriages together!!!!

 

Doen't this piss you off, HOKEY?

 

[color=darkred]Well, It REALLY PISSES ME OFF[/color]

 

How much less did it cost you to get married than to be divorced? 1/5X, 1/10X, 1/20X

 

While it costs us poor slobs a huge percent of our living expenses, the rich and famous loose "disposable income."

 

There ought to be a government program to help the underprivilaged to become divorced!!!

I bet if I was an illegal immigrant they'd be beating my door down to offer a low interest loan program (like student loans that are never paid back and eventually forgiven); After all, wasn't the little marriage experience EDUCATIONAL!!

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by Samson

Yes, "poverty:" the glue that hold so many marriages together!!!!

 

There ought to be a government program to help the underprivilaged to become divorced!!!

 

I bet if I was an illegal immigrant they'd be beating my door down to offer a low interest loan program (like student loans that are never paid back and eventually forgiven); After all, wasn't the little marriage experience EDUCATIONAL!!

 

I like how you think! LOL! I agree with you 200% too!

 

I'm still trying to work it out where I don't have to pay him alimoney without changing the reason for divorce into abuse or something stupid and hateful and bitter (man! lawyers really ARE underhanded----at least DIVORCE lawyers are!) No-Fault divorce is a crock of legal eagle droppings!

[Samson]

The subject line of my next post: No Interest Loans: Entitlements for the Divorced and Disenfranchised!

 

Call your congressperson!!!!