Hughzy9 Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 First time poster, Hi all. So my situation looks like this, I met this girl just over a year ago through a work mate, after hitting it off and becoming friends we eventually started dating. 6 months later things are going great, we talk every day, go out for dinner, movies, go to shows, weddings, have an active sex life, hang with friends; all the usual couples stuff. We have both met each others family and friends, and get on with all of them. Yet we are not in a committed relationship. I realised how much I liked her a while ago (4 months in?), so I let her know how I felt and tried to push the relationship, only for her to take a step back throw up her walls. I got the hint and just continued on doing our thing as I am aware that her last relationship was a terrible one (abused) [lasted 7 or so years] and she stresses how she does not want to be hurt again. The commitment topic has been brought up a couple times since then and not always by me, yet each time it has been raised it ends in the same fashion; her getting mighty upset and telling me I need to find a nice girl. The last couple weeks have been amazing with her, doing all of the couples stuff listed before and just having a blast with one and other, I really thought we were getting somewhere and that she may be close to breaking down those walls, but just tonight we were messaging and she asked something along the lines of 'I don't know where we're at?'. After answering back that I thought we could call us an 'Us' the usual mood followed (although it seems to have already smoothed over). After seeing how things have progressed over the last 6 months of dating, and how well things are going, it hurts a bit when she throws up those walls and makes me feel as if I am being strung along. My question/s is this: Am I barking up the wrong tree, or am I worrying about nothing and should I just continue doing what we do and see how/if things progress? If you have read this far thank you, any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
truth_seeker Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 I think she is being cautious and testing you at the same time because of what happened with her last relationship. I would continue keeping things light and fun with her as when you have a serious talk she seemingly gets antsy and scared. It could be bad feelings coming to the surface from her last boyfriend. I would continue dating her and if you're still with her in 6 months, I would then have a serious talk about where you guys stand.
veggirl Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 I think this R is going to remain hot & cold, hot & cold depending on her level of comfort / her desires. That's not fair to you. A R shouldn't be so frustrating. I totally disagree with truthseeker. If she is so fked up from her last R that she isn't ready for a new one and you have to adjust around her moods, then she should be in therapy or single until she is actually ready for someone new. I wouldn't bother with someone like this.
Author Hughzy9 Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 Thanks for the input guys, still not sure what I'm going to do on this one, seems I'm a sucker for punishment.
Balzac Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Her issues existed prior to her remaining in an abusive relationship for seven years. How much time are you willing to invest absent a commitment? That's really the question.
Author Hughzy9 Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 That really is the question, something that has been on my mind for a little while. Though I feel like I have invested too much to back out now.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 You're not going to break through these walls because the emotional level is just not there. She knows you're a nice guy, you're someone she can depend on and count on and makes for good companionship, but that romantic factor, that emotional overwhelming feeling she would need to have in order to break beyond is not there and cannot be created. You sound like the rebound guy to me, you're someone much different than the person her hurt her...your provide that comfort and safety net, she thinks you're a good nice guy, that's why she tells you to go get a nice girl not because she's a "bad" girl, she wouldn't care less If she was romantically swayed or invested in you but because she just wants you to go find someone else because she knows she is just using you in the meantime. She's settled into this nice little comfort zone with you and it's safe and secure, you're the nest and she's learned to live her life comfortably that way but every time you try and push out of that bubble she's forced to say and express things she does not want to...and that's how men and women react when pushed into a corner, because they have nothing good or positive to say that you're going to want to hear..do you understand that? You want answers to questions that will make these people feel bad about themselves so they avoid it, lash out, or throw up a wall. You're barking up the wrong tree...not sure why you've done this, I'm sure you have your reasons but no woman I've ever met had commitment issues because when a woman really likes a man she's magically ready for a relationship even If it's against their better judgment...because it doesn't matter what a woman thinks, they go with how they feel the majority of the time and even IF she did have those emotions she wouldn't have been able to suppress them for six months man...you're a overcooked steam man, time to jump off the girl because she's not going to do it for you. Settle with this and hope someday down the road she settles to being with you...or tell yourself you deserve better and walk away...choice is yours...blue pill or red, both have uncertainty, don't fool yourself.
irc333 Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Sorry to de-rail for a moment, but I'm always seeing people say "get on" as in "to get on a motorcycle" or "get on top of something" I though in context in this case it was, "We get ALONG with the parents and family" Unless it's a cultural language thing?
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