canifixit Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 (edited) [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]So, im in my 30s and have just been dumped by a guy i had been seeing for eight months. My history of relationships has always been bad. I never found anyone who was interested in me long enough to give us a proper go and it would end for whatever reason. Usually the slow fade or the disappearing act and i was left wondering what on earth is wrong with me in that i cant find someone who will actually love me and want to be with me .[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]So, i tried online dating and had a few bumps and frustration but then found someone who i actually liked and started to feel happy that finally i seem to have someone who actually cares for me. He did all the right things, said all the right things and we seemed to be getting closer. We had amazing dates and would constantly be in touch. I thought we would have the talk and – naively thinking we were a possibility.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Well it wasn’t to be- he dumped me. To my face. The bizarre thing is that i have always been honest with him but he used the things he knew about me against me and reasons to not be with me which begs the question why oh why bother dating me at all! If you knew that we had no future why didn’t he just leave us friends? We never got intimate so i never slept with him. We were just getting to know one another and it was really lovely- so i thought. I was spending time with him thinking he was a possibility- he was spending time with me for god knows what reason because he knew that when we had the inevitable talk- we would be over. There is one thing that i cant agree to and he won’t compromise. But he knew this about me from the get go- i don’t get why he didn’t tell me months ago that this is his situation and it would NEVER change. Why lead me up the garden path? [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]He spent months implying we could do this and that at some point and now im just like he must be mad because if he knew we would be over before any of that so why bother saying it all that?!![/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Anyway he said maybe he could contact me sometime as he wants to still be friends. I said yes we could see but have no intention of contacting him myself- he can if he wants to. But why would he? He’s dumped me so obviously he wanted rid of me.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]My problem now is that im dreading the thought of dating again, starting over again. After a string of failed dates and men i really feel like i am never ever going to find someone to be with. I want to be married one day, i want children and its so hard being the only single person i know. My family cant understand why im not with someone and they worry about me. My friends feel sad for me – heck i feel sad for me that i cant make anything work.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I feel really low. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I know all the usual things on how to cope after a break up and do this or that but i feel like someone takes a sledge hammer to me and feel so dispirited. Im not getting younger- i just imagine being 40 and still single and childless and the thought of that frankly makes me depressed and think ridiculous things.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Any advice?? [/sIZE][/FONT] Edited July 30, 2012 by canifixit coding was appearing
penguin23 Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Hey sorry about your break up. That's tough. I know that it can be especially tough when it seems everyone else is in a relationship. I'm not going to say that the perfect guy is going to come along when you least expect it. I hate that line. But it sounds a little like you're spending too much energy looking for the guy-that you think you might miss him if you're not absolutely ready. But that's not going to happen. You are ready, just stay open to new experiences. You say that you're the only single person you know. Well, maybe it's time to go out and find some single people just to be friends with who are single. You're in your mid-30s--it might sound horrible to say but the truth is that some of those people who got married years ago are now getting divorced. You are not the only single person out there but it sounds like you need a reminder. 1
Author canifixit Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 I have no idea- maybe I take to too slow- maybe i spend too much time getting to know them....maybe i should define it more but this time i thought id been so honest and he 'seemed' fine with it until obviously he wasnt and threw my honesty back at me.... I cant tell- and im seriously worried that i just wont meet someone. Ive done that whole' whats wrong with me' and so i hope i can stop crying about it but its hard. Its raw at the moment so i cant see the bigger picture but i cant figure out what is such a repellant? why do they go off me after such intense contact.... i was once told that guys dont do anything they dont want to- but if they wanted to spend all that time with me....what suddenly switches off for him and he says no we're better off as friends. He must have known that for ages- why string me along?
Mcnulty Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 There is one thing that i cant agree to and he won’t compromise. But he knew this about me from the get go- i don’t get why he didn’t tell me months ago that this is his situation and it would NEVER change. Why lead me up the garden path? Hate to say this, but it may be that your relationship didn't get to the intimate pointsoon enough for him. You say you were with him for months....no sexual relations? Not all guys want only one thing, but maybe you were reluctant to progress to this point, but he was, hence his leaving. 1
darkmoon Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 (edited) are you sufficiently domesticated? not in favor, but more and more i've seen that this is what men like, a cook and all that, two women i know make them dinner quite early on in the association and keep doing it, and i know one man who blatantly checks to see if a woman has a full larder before making his mind up to date her or not Edited July 30, 2012 by darkmoon
Mcnulty Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 What???? I couldn't care less if a girl is a good cook or has a full larder! It's about sharing the same sense of humour, the same values and having an affinity with someone....you haven't found that person yet...that simple.
Author canifixit Posted August 1, 2012 Author Posted August 1, 2012 I just wish I knew why he bothered with spending so much time and effort and all along knowing that we couldnt be together. I just feel blue about it all. Its really hard being dumped and then thinking that youll never meet someone else. Logically thats incorrect but it feels very personal. Why do people keep saying it not you its them when its everything to do with you otherwise whats the point in anyone interacting if its NOT personal.
YorickBrown Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 The bizarre thing is that i have always been honest with him but he used the things he knew about me against me and reasons to not be with me which begs the question why oh why bother dating me at all! If you knew that we had no future why didn’t he just leave us friends? We never got intimate so i never slept with him. We were just getting to know one another and it was really lovely- so i thought. I was spending time with him thinking he was a possibility- he was spending time with me for god knows what reason because he knew that when we had the inevitable talk- we would be over. There is one thing that i cant agree to and he won’t compromise. But he knew this about me from the get go- i don’t get why he didn’t tell me months ago that this is his situation and it would NEVER change. Why lead me up the garden path? I have no idea- maybe I take to too slow- maybe i spend too much time getting to know them....maybe i should define it more but this time i thought id been so honest and he 'seemed' fine with it until obviously he wasnt and threw my honesty back at me.... I cant tell- and im seriously worried that i just wont meet someone. Ive done that whole' whats wrong with me' and so i hope i can stop crying about it but its hard. Its raw at the moment so i cant see the bigger picture but i cant figure out what is such a repellant? why do they go off me after such intense contact.... i was once told that guys dont do anything they dont want to- but if they wanted to spend all that time with me....what suddenly switches off for him and he says no we're better off as friends. He must have known that for ages- why string me along? Well, I'm certainly no expert but it would help if you could actually tell us what exactly you've been "honest" with him about and as you said, he won't compromise (this in itself was already a red flag of sorts). He could have just "strung you along" because...well, most likely he thought he could eventually make you change your mind/heart given time (i guess, time expired for you). As a guy myself, we'd like to think/believe we can somehow change our girlfriends (I'm betting you gals, think you could do the same to us) before totally committing. I know he probably told you early on in the relationship that he was OK with you and has accepted you the way you are ...but really, he was just making you feel at ease and buying time.
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