GF dumped me 3 weeks, been in NC, recent revelation makes me think though

[NowUnsure]

Hi, I'm new here, I've been reading the **** out of these forums for weeks now though. I got dumped 3 weeks ago by my girlfriend of two years, we lived together for most of it.

 

I have been distraught since she left me, it was sudden and with little warning...only warning was a week or so of sketchy behavior.

 

A little history...she was 19 when we met and I was 25. We hit it off very well, have an enormous base of common ground and beliefs, and were called "the perfect couple" by our friends. We were part of the same social circles and that made hooking up all the more easy. Within a month she was unofficially living in my apartment, and a few months later moved in "officially". All was well, we never fought, had many fun adventures together, and walked through many fires and came out the other side virtually unscathed, still standing strong together. Flash forward to early June, we had our first real fight. It was all my fault, I was an *** and pushed a superficial detail on her. But for awhile before that I had been stuck in a sort of rut. I had a mediocre job and I worked odd shifts, often sleeping most of the day before I had to go to work. When I got off she would already be asleep and I would just play video games until I finally got to sleep in the late AM. That part is important as you will read below. A month after our fight, she just said it was over, very cold like. She didn't want to be with me anymore. I was shocked, as less than 24 hours before that she had kissed me, said she loved me and left for work. Two weeks before she left she asked if she could keep me forever after we had sex. This was something we often said to each other, she must have asked me that 1000 times, and I always answered with an enthusiastic yes. But now she's gone. I of coarse tried to stop her, I asked her why and she said she couldn't forgive me for calling her "fake", even though I never did...that part was a misunderstanding, from the earlier fight. She said her feelings had changed and she needed to explore life. I lost it, cried, begged, beat a giant hole in the bedroom door (totally unlike me). I was just so shocked that after all we had shared and been through she could so coldly end it without giving me a chance to fix what I was doing wrong...which I had no idea what that was until a little while ago.

 

The day of the BU I sent her a few emotional texts and she replied with coldness. She moved her stuff out while I was at work that night. I told her she had a few things of mine, along with her key to the apartment, that I wanted back but I didn't want to see her. I told her she could give them to my roomate with who she works. All she said was "ok". I haven't got the stuff back yet. I don't know if that's important or not. Next day I went no contact and began trying to force myself to accept that it was over. It has been hard, as I really love her and nothing feels right with her gone. I have maintained NC for a bit over 3 weeks, 3 HELLISH weeks. I had resolved to continue NC and just keep soldiering on, hoping to eventually get over it.

 

Until...through an unlikely source I found the reason she left. She told someone that she was bored because I never took her out and we never did things together, I suspect there is more to it but that's the main reason. This was largely due to my complacency and our conflicting work schedules. I can fix that EASY. I think she probably felt I was taking her for granted, I did maybe a little but I always loved her and was very thankful to have her in my life. I didn't mean to push her away, but I did. I have not contacted her, don't know if I should or what I can do to prove that I do love her and care about her. 3 weeks without her has proven that to me without a shadow of a doubt.

 

I obviously want her back, but was ready to cut my losses and attempt to move on before finding that out. Now I don't know what to do. It's probably too late....but I would cut off my hand for another chance with her.

 

Also of note since the BU I have started a better job with regular 8-5 hours.

 

Wow that was long.

[Ruby65]

Honestly, at her age it's mostly likely down to GIGS. If you haven't already, check out the threads on this subject:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome-5.html

 

 

It's very unlikely -- but not impossible -- that at your age you'd be involved with the woman you're meant to spend the rest of your life with. I know that doesn't make the pain of losing her any less, but maybe in time this perspective can help you feel a bit better.

 

For now, there's really nothing you can do other than stick to NC and continue to work on yourself and move forward.

 

And keep posting, there's support available here!

[Stanza]

I think getting the better job is your first big step. good for you. this will show her you can change things and have more time for her. At this stage, reading your post, I think what you need is to show things would be different. She didn't leave for any other reason so there is hope for you I reckon to turn it around. I'd say get to 4 weeks NC, think through what else you can change and what you can SHOW you've changed then think about initiating first contact again.

[NowUnsure]

Thanks for reading my long post and for the replies.

 

It's very unlikely -- but not impossible -- that at your age you'd be involved with the woman you're meant to spend the rest of your life with

 

I'm almost 28, I don't agree with this at all. Maybe at HER age, but mine?

 

Anyways...

 

My first day at my new job was today, and it went well despite being mentally preoccupied with my ex all day...I have come to accept that as a normal part of my existence for the time being. In a few minutes I'll be off to work again as I have chosen to keep my other job for now...mostly to keep myself occupied. This is after not sleeping a bit last night due to finding out that new information. It's a glimmer of hope, just a glimmer I know. At least I'll sleep good tonight.

 

I'd say get to 4 weeks NC, think through what else you can change and what you can SHOW you've changed then think about initiating first contact again.

 

I have less than a week before reaching the 4 week mark...what else can I do to show her I've changed? Well, I cut my hair, but that was 2 days after the BU to help with the job search. I've also lost probably 15-20 pounds, not from exercising but from a lack of appetite. I do look alot more like the guy I was 2 years ago when we met, than what I had become.

 

There's a few other things, that make me question her decision. Two nights before she left (I wish I could have known that was our last night...), she bought and used Draino in our bathroom, because the tub was clogged. She obviously wasn't planning on leaving at that time, maybe seeing me in bed half asleep at 4 PM the next day when she got off work was the final straw. She recently started working two jobs because her dad cut off some of her financial support, so was on her way to work again at that time. She kissed me, I didn't initiate it, and said she loved me. The next night she spent at a friends, and when she came home in the morning she broke it off. I don't know why I'm so hung up on these details but they just don't add up. Also why hasn't she returned her key? She doesn't need to see me to do so. Some people have suggested this may be part of a scheme to get me off my ass, well it worked. At least I have a decent job now, had she not BU, then I would have probably just woke up.

 

My mom was the one who called me and told me she had found out her reason for leaving, of all people. She suggested I contact her, adamantly, that I may regret it the rest of my life if I don't. As much as I hate to admit it, she's often right.

 

So I have one suggestion to stick with NC, and one to possibly reach out in the future...the near future. My mom, and friends, tell me to call her that this not the time for games. If she truly left because she felt neglected then isn't NC just reinforcing that? After reading every post on every forum I could about this stuff, I agreed with it, even though I had initiated it on my own before reading much about it. But I have not gotten the usual quire of NC NC NC, its done move on yada yada. Maybe my situation is a little different? That small nugget of information changed things. Many people have also told me they think we will end up back together.

 

GIGS? Yeah I know what GIGS is, I even had a bit of it myself. But now realize after her being gone there isn't even grass on the other side...just ashes. It was always a small voice in my head anyway, I think it exists in everyone's mind at some point during LTRs. In her case, by some metrics, the grass may indeed be greener on the other side. I had become an apathetic ****, I was in a serious rut there for awhile. On top of that I was making stupid petty demands of her. I would have probably left me too. How can I expect someone else to have faith in me when I had no faith in myself? I wasn't the guy she fell in love with anymore, but honestly I thought I had more time. I went from Alpha to Beta mode, the all too common consequence of complacency that develops in LTRs, and leads to the apathy that has killed many of them. I wonder if she is having any similar feelings?

 

Ok enough rambing...key points.

 

A) I have identified why the relationship failed, it took time and third party info gathering but I have finally pieced the puzzle together.

 

B) If I want any shot at recon, and there signs that this possible but certainly not certain, I have to change. I am willing and have already made a great leap forward with my new job. Not to sound cocky but I think accomplishing that amiss a painful breakup is a decent display of strength and adaptability.

 

C) I'm not sure how to proceed, or what all the little signs mean, or if they mean anything at all. I can just imagine what first contact might be like...

"Well I'm glad you're doing well and really do/did love you but I have moved on yada yada" That would suck. But the flip side is also a possibility. Couples reunite all the time, and in our relationship the good FAR outweighed the bad. If I don't try I'll never know, but if I try and fail it will hurt bad, again.

 

There are a few other things I would like to discuss, but this is a long enough read for now plus I have to get going to work.

 

Thanks for your support and cheers. Life sucks sometimes but whatever happens only good things can come from a true and concentrated effort to improve oneself.

[Ruby65]

You said you met when you were 25 and she was 19. These are the ages I was referring to. It's very unusual for women to spend the rest of their life with the man they were dating at 19.

 

I also meant that at 21 SHE probably had a case of GIGS, not YOU. Hahahhaaa! Sorry if that was unclear.

 

Your situation doesn't sound different to me from most of the stories posted here, but if you're determined to contact her then go ahead -- and best of luck with it, I really hope it works out for you two!

Edited July 30, 2012 by Ruby65