Author Cl0udy Posted September 2, 2012 Author Posted September 2, 2012 ***** I shouD have listened to ruby. So we started to take things slowly went to a trip together. We still haven't had sex but we messed around. Last week I find out he cheated on me in the last month of our relationship. I made him confess and it turned out there was no protection. After I invested so much time and spoke about how we will do things differently etc etc I still felt like giving him another chance but through time and only ONLY if he is proven trust worthy. Tonight I went out social dancing and he never told me that he went out to drink in a club with his friends. I made it clear for him to let me know. I feel like he probely hooked up with someone and I don't understand why he didn't call. Please guys advice me aagin, Did he blow his second chance or am I being unreasonable? :(
Author Cl0udy Posted September 2, 2012 Author Posted September 2, 2012 Bump I really need advice guys
geegirl Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 So, probably ended with you to pursue the girl he was cheating with. Then that didn't work out, then he came back groveling. I think Chi said it. If you are going to work things out, then there has to be boundaries and terms set to ensure two people are working towards a healthy R. He's already ignoring your requests and proving to be unreliable and untrustworthy. This is the time for him to be rebuilding your trust in him. I guess it's not his priority. You should have listened to Ruby.
LeoNguyen Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Whatever happened, already happened. Don't be so hard on yourself. Here's one question you gotta ask yourself. What do you want right now? If you still want to be with him, then let him know that he needs to earn back your trust. If not, it's just not going to work. If you just can't accept the fact that he cheated and lied to you, you have the option of leaving him as well. So what do want? If you don't know what you want right now, give yourself at least a week to think things through. Tell him you need some time alone. Don't talk to him. Don't see him. Also let him know that if he hooks up with some random girl during this time, you won't stick around because he doesn't respect you. Take this time to figure out what you want.
Author Cl0udy Posted September 2, 2012 Author Posted September 2, 2012 Thank you Leo and gee, He said he was gonna let me know if he goes out turns out he got really drunk and they ended going to a gogo bar after. I was thinking of what Leo said I don't know what I want. I was thinking of asking him what he did last night. Based on what he says I am goIng to tell him he either works in building a trusting relationship or goes out. Right now he is in no position to go drinking and I wIll be able to trust hIm. When he cheated on me he was wasted so it's either he builds trust by dedicating the time and making the sacrifice to not go to bars/ clubs or he works on building a healthy relationship. For now's I will not accept him drinking or going out. If anything unless we are together. Please guys help me stay strong what do you think of the condItIons iam asking for are they too much? Do you agree or dIsagree. Should I approach it differently.
geegirl Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 The thing is, he could have let you know he know he was going out before he got drunk. "Hey honey, I think I'm going to go out with Larry and Moe tonight. We're going to ABC for drinks." So "I was going to let you know..." is BS. You can ask him what he did last night but what difference would it make. He could easily lie. Remember he cheated once before. Lying isn't hard. Or it could have been an innocent drunken night. The problem with taking back cheaters is that you will always be looking over your shoulder. Always needing to interrogate when doubtful. The thing is, you both should have talked about terms and boundaries, BEFORE getting back together. Once you both have talked, then take your time getting back to each other again. Give yourself the space to date him casually and him the opportunity to earn your trust again. That way you protect yourself from making the same mistakes, you allow him to earn your trust and you go forward from there, deciding if he's legitimate enough for you to want to give it a second chance. You don't get back with him and then try to set boundaries. Sit down with him and communicate your needs and what it would take for you to move forward. Whichever way you do it, if he truly wants you, he will make the sacrifices to build the R again. He wants YOU back. So you have the power to change this around IF he is honest in what he wants. So state your needs. They're perfectly acceptable, especially when you are trying to give a cheater a second chance and one that has a drinking issue. Personally, it would be difficult for me to take back a cheater. Secondly, if he can't control his drinking, that's another demon that I would rather not deal with. Honestly, you're better off seeking a healthy partner, rather than someone you need to change and rehabilitate. Don't settle.
Author Cl0udy Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 Thank you gee girl and Gibson. Gibson, you are right I can't built a wall high enough for him to climb. I was hoping to come across in a way where he decides. He can go have fun/clubs/drinks but if he chooses than I don't want to be a part of that. Is it the same as putting a wall. How else than do you suggest to move foward with someone that cheated. Also, I liked yoursublinks. The thing is I don't want to end up hurt. It looks like that is where it's going. Geegirl, we did not get back together. Given the fact that we already kissed is pretty much the same thou. He is trying to get back with me but I feel like he is not trying enough. Do you think I should just ignore him like day one and move on? Is there anyway I can get the power back. I don't think he is sorry he cheated how do I make him feel sorry? What would you do in my situation. Thank you guys it means so much that you are helping me.
Author Cl0udy Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 So I told him what I felt and he said that he is not a boy. That I should be able to trust him. He is not going to stop drinking and that he will see his friends when he wants. He is not going to be "whipped". I told him why do I need to make the sacrifices when he is the one that messed up he said we are starting from the beginning I am suppose to trust him. You guYs my heart is tworn I am done
Author Cl0udy Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 This is pathetic. WE ALL DESERVE BETTER. We deserve a faithful, loving, caring, honest, man/woman. It is enough either they want you or they don't.
Jono85 Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 So I told him what I felt and he said that he is not a boy. That I should be able to trust him. He is not going to stop drinking and that he will see his friends when he wants. He is not going to be "whipped". I told him why do I need to make the sacrifices when he is the one that messed up he said we are starting from the beginning I am suppose to trust him. You guYs my heart is tworn I am done lol starting at the beginning. please STOP investing in this dude. he's entirely selfish and doesn't really care about u. he will cheat again. it's very obvious. it will be tough, but we're all here doing it (moving on from someone we've become extremely attached to/loved). u can do it too. at least u can leave with the knowledge that he is indeed scum. consider urself lucky. many get left by their bf/gf who just don't love them anymore, and aren't necessarily bad people (ie. were always honest, still care for them immensely, etc etc).
geegirl Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 he said we are starting from the beginning I am suppose to trust him. You guYs my heart is tworn I am done Yes, please be done with him. You can't make someone feel remorseful for their bad behavior. Trust was broken. You earn it. You're not entitled to it. I know you are hurt but I don't for one second believe he will treat you right. He's selfish and has a high level of entitlement. As I said before, heal and move on and seek a partner that is healthy. Don't settle for one that you need to change and rehabilitate. Most times, people don't change.
Author Cl0udy Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 You guys if there is anything I learned from this is if they ever come back don't give them that second chance right away. I gave it in a matter of two weeks. Don't give it to them until at least a couple of months have past and they still feel the same way. If they love you nothing will change. If they are yours they will still be after you. If they are not they never were. Giving them a second chance dosen't mean saying yes to a relationship again. We never got back together but I still gave him the benefits. 1)we spoke on the phone 2) went on a trip with him! >=| 3)slept with him/cuddle 4)intimate/no sex 5)welcomed him in my home 6)gave him my time If they come back don't even give them 5 minutes of your time. Do that for at LEAST a month. The longer the better. Hell I say at least a whole year. Say you are busy and that you will talk when you are ready. Don't answer calls. Be prepared to not hear from them again. That's how you will know if they simply wanted to see If they could get you back or if they wanted to really be with you. I haven't heard from him since. Recently My friend showed me a pic of him kissing another girl. I was torn. I don't know how I am going to do it but I have to move on. It's almost a month and I am still in the point of is he coming back again. It's pathetic, but it's normal. If they come back trust me They need to go through the emotional pain you went through to level out with you. Don't make it so easy for them.
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