My First LOVE! (A true story of novelty, adventure, challenge, and reconciliation!)

[aboutaboy]

It all starts off like this...

 

I really wanted my first girlfriend, and so I went into my senior year in high school with that as a goal in mind. Turns out, I met the very pretty girl and we hit it off really well. Back then I was very into looks and not so much worried about personality - a very immature and insincere kind of outlook, I know.

 

Anyway, time rolled on, we because sexually active and everything was great - ah, such amazing short lived days those were. Soon enough, we were sneaking out like kids often do and we got into a little trouble with the cops and a town curfew. My girlfriend is the youngest daughters of fairly strict South Vietnamese parents. The outcome wasn't very pretty as she had to be escorted by cops back to her house since she was just a few months underage to be out so late.

 

By this time her parents weren't very happy with me and forbid us from going out. They eventually got over the whole issue and let us date again since their daughter, my girlfriend, loved me so much and wanted us to work out. Regardless though I have not been welcome in their house since.

 

Anyway, we got back together over the summer before I went to college. At college, I had a great time hanging out with my friends, and we kept a long distance relationship going for a while. It was a great time in my life and I wish she was there to share it, but she couldn't since she is a year younger than I am. Eventually, I met another girl who was a beautiful millionaire and told her that it would be a good idea for us to move on. At this point I wasn't taking relationships very seriously and had no idea the responsibility involved. I just saw a bunch of fun in dating this new girl.

 

I dated the new girl for a couple of months, but the spark just wasn't there. We went out and had fun, lived at her beach condo, partied, etc. but the whole time this first girlfriend of mine was in the back of my mind. The new girl and I just didn't have great chemistry like my first girlfriend and I did. The fire was missing. I was amazed at the level of difference in quality of the relationship. Anyway, we ended up breaking up because I felt as though we didn't have much of a future since her mom ended up thinking I was going to kill them and take their money (She was a bit psychotic, honestly) and I ended up returning to my home town for winter break and continue loving the first girl. I just couldn't help myself. We dated on and off for the rest of the year, while I also dated several other girls who I met through dorms and my fraternity - none of which I really felt I hit it off with. The girls often enjoyed it a lot, but I feel as though my heart was always with the first girlfriend.

 

At about this time, sometime late 2nd semester, a lightbulb went on in my head. I received a text from the first girlfriend one night that just drove me nuts. I realized that she would often do things for me because she really wanted my validation. She has always seen me as more mature then her, but I see it more like she is more pure and idealistic than I am. I think her outlook is beautiful and I cherish her perspective. The problem I have with this though is that since she feels that I can "see straight through her" she feels extremely vulnerable to my disapproval. Therefore she does what she thinks will make me happy almost all the time. Realizing that really threw me for a loop.

 

That summer I went on a road trip to get perspective on my family and how all of them lead their own lifestyles and relationships. It was an amazing trip and the whole time I knew my heart was with the first girl - but I was being much less affectionate and I wasn't giving her hardly any attention. It isn't because I would busy, because even if I love a girl then I make time for her. What was weighing on my shoulders was this new realized responsibility to lead this woman who has so much trust in me into a positive and just path. I got this terrible feeling that I had been "using" her before I made the epiphany - and that just made me sick.

 

Eventually I returned to my state and stopped by to see her. During that time, we began to have trouble being sexually active. This is still something I struggle with today - and I'd love someone's opinion on my outlook on this. How I see it now, is that if a girl gets sexually aroused with me... Well frankly I don't care. I do not reciprocate the feelings very often solely because I don't know where her motivation is coming from. If I feel as though she is horny because I want her to be horny, or because she wants me to feel good, or something like that - I simply just do not get aroused. Even if she is being very physical. I feel as though if the case is she wants to please me, then I'd rather hold her and tell her how beautiful she is because I feel as though it indicates a hint of insecurity or some kind of damage. Maybe I'm wrong about this but the girl is simply beautiful and I am still not turned on. I feel like it would almost be disgusting to be turned on by a girl who just wants to please you. I do however get very aroused out of a spicy evening of dancing and beautiful body movement, a couple of drinks - good conversation, and lots of sexy subtle flirtation shooting like bolts of electricity that are invisible to everyone else's eyes. That will drive me nuts and I'll be begging to get to the bedroom.

 

So then, We broke up that fall. It was all in a decline until we finally broke up. She cheated on me but I don't blame her because I was hardly speaking with her and I was not being affectionate at all, in addition to us having lived apart for over a year now (apart from my short visits which were always very spicy) with little to no physical contact. It did not hurt me when she cheated. I spend the rest of that year just thinking things over and living my life. Eventually I came to terms with the concept of responsibility and really internalized the responsibility I have to lead the kind of life I want. Anyway, after 8 or 9 months of trying to get over each other - we end up by some weird twist of fate back together. Now this brings up a new point.

 

She lies to her parents and her boyfriend about seeing me, as the all really detest me for some reason. To my knowledge she only lied to me about the cheating (and I trust her with that), she did confess to it much later although I had a good idea that it was going on at the time. I feel as though her parents bring on the lies about going out, because they are unreasonable and not consistent in their parenting. My girlfriend gets in big trouble but none of her sisters do, and they are in much worse situations. Also her new boyfriend, who she doesn't truly love (she once told me that she feels more mature than him and that she sees right through the things he does), is extraordinarily jealous and restricts her from drinking or hanging out with guys (mind you she is in college at a major university as a freshman, now sophomore).

 

She told me today, after we have been seeing each other again that she is going to break up with him. We both still are very in love with each other though sometimes it is hard to believe.

 

I am really just curious about each of your thoughts and suggestions about the situation. I now dropped out of school to pay off some college loans and have moved back into town with her. We see each other quite regularly and we really love and adore each other. Her parents hate me more than ever so she still has to sneak out to see me during the summer time.

 

Anyway - thanks for your time if your read all that!

 

Maybe somebody more experienced can guide me on the right path.

 

And how can I help her feel less intimidated around me? She feels that way because I am quite experienced and traveled and I've been though a lot of difficult times in my childhood while she has only experienced living in suburbia and nurtured very faithfully with a big ole' bread basket.

 

Not to say her problems are any lesser than mine, in fact no comparison at all... But I have become extremely independent while she is not so much.

 

PS: We're broken up right now but we're almost closer than ever... I will probably take her back! We'll see how the next few months play out.

 

Love, and peace...

A-nony-mouse

Edited July 30, 2012 by aboutaboy
Grammar and details

[Bobibble]

I feel as though the best relationships are often the most difficult. You guys have gone through ALOT and through it all you can still say you love each other. I'm going through something very similar right now, though we've been together for only one year and are currently on day one of a break, he still told me last night he loves me and wants to be with me.

 

I think you should follow your heart and your heart seems to be with her, so go with it! But just make sure she isn't with anybody else when you do take her back.

 

Best of luck to you both!