hurting so bad Posted July 11, 2004 Posted July 11, 2004 Help! I have been dating a guy for about 2 and a half to 3 months. From the beginning he told me he loved me and wanted to get married etc etc. He took me away a few times, i met his family etc etc. I looked at his phone started noticing that he has been contacting his ex on his cell phone, telling her that he can't stop thinking about her. He had told me he only dated this girl shortly, but i found out it was a 2 year relationship that he just got out and he met me within weeks of that. His friends now tell me that he talks about her all the time to them and that he's not over her. I happened to hear one him one day when he called her and he didn't know i picked up the other phone, (i had to know) and he was saying "I cant move on, my friends tell me theres 100s of beautiful girls out there and i just tell them i cant stop thinking of you. YOu've ruined me for sex, i don't even want to do it with anyone else, and I think of you while im jerki** off." He lied and told her that he and i werent having sex, he told her that he cant, but we have. Why would he be telling me he loved me and wants to get married if he's thinking of her all the time? do you think he wants her back? If he did want her back, why doesn't he just go to her.
Miss_Prolixity Posted July 11, 2004 Posted July 11, 2004 Hi Hurting, I am sorry that you're hurting so bad. My heart really goes out to you. Usually when someone gets involved in a rebound relationship (such as your b/f) they're doomed to fail. You stated that your relationship began shortly after his previous one ended. He never had any time to heal and get over her. He rushed into your relationship and now you're suffering. Also, there are some red flags that are sticking out. He is disrespecting you and lying. Respect and trust are two very important factors in a healthy relationship. If he really loved you, his actions would display those words. IMO, a lot of people rush into rebound relationships because their self-esteem is low and they're lonley. They still want to feel loved and attractive, so they pursue a "quick fix" relationship, which in reality is creates a bigger mess --- usually for the new g/f-b/f. If this guy was sincere at all about the things he said, he wouldn't attempt to call his ex. His friends wouldn't mention how much he is hung up on her. It's very difficult to hear one thing but see another.
jw32802 Posted July 11, 2004 Posted July 11, 2004 yes i know. so i guess theres not much of a chance for us working out in the end huh? but how can he still be so in love with her and so in love with me. why would he lie to me?
miz_barby Posted July 11, 2004 Posted July 11, 2004 Only he can have the actual answer to that. I would confront him, let him know you happen to over hear their conversation and that you want the truth (even though you heard it from his mouth already he just doesn't know you've heard). What you haven't said is if SHE wants to be with him or not. What did SHE say in the phone call? If she doesn't want to be with him just yet maybe he's keeping you around just until she changes her mind (if she doesn't want him now). OR maybe he's confused because he likes you but can't get over her. None the less you deserve much better than that! Good luck!
Author hurting so bad Posted July 11, 2004 Author Posted July 11, 2004 Yes well i heard him say "im dating again because you broke up w/ me and you started dating". she said something about how she thought he would change and get therapy but she was upset he went to another girl (me). he said "you dated again, u went out w/ guys, i wanted you back" i dont get it. does he still love her?
Miss_Prolixity Posted July 11, 2004 Posted July 11, 2004 Hurting, The comment you posted right here, " you dated again, u went out w/ guys, i wanted you back" sums up everything in a nutshell. If this guy really had true feelings for you, he wouldn't spend time pursuing his ex. It's hard getting mixed messages from someone you care about. But take a closer look at his actions, not so much what he tells you. His words don't align with his actions. On one hand he says he loves you and wants to marry you, yet he still phones his ex. That doesn't make any sense. If you want a healthy relationship -- you need to find someone who will respect, honor, show loyalty, and prove their trust. He has abandoned all of those qualities, which invalidates a meaningful relationship.
Author hurting so bad Posted July 11, 2004 Author Posted July 11, 2004 ok but then why would he tell me these things? how can he tell me he loves me and wants to marry me if he loves her? i guess cuz he is with her longer (2 yrs) then he is more likely to miss her the longer hes apart from her
abfchgirlx Posted July 11, 2004 Posted July 11, 2004 Over time, I've come to the conclusion that if a man tells you he wants to marry you w/n a short period of time, then it's just a bunch of swapin' BS to get you to fall all over him. Anyways, it sounds like a love triangle here. The thing is, you have so much power in your life over who you want to be with and who you don't. You have so much power to choose what you want in your man, and what you don't. You don't have to put up with him trying to get with another girl or anything. You'll meet some other guy who will eventually be true to you only, then say those sweet nothings in your ear. I'm not too sure why he told you what he did, but it sounds like to me that he's just trying to get things from you, as his rebound, and yet he's still trying to have a commitment with his ex. Don't boys learn by now they can never have two at once?! Ugh!
Author hurting so bad Posted July 11, 2004 Author Posted July 11, 2004 Really? so chances are he doesnt want to marry me? we are even supposed to go away on the weekend. why oh why? we keep going away, and going out. I even found out that one night i was with him at a bar and he left for about a few hours and i find out later he was out talking to HER outside. Uh i just dont know why he keeps acting like hes into me and hanging out w/ me all the time!
abfchgirlx Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 I'd flat out confront the guy and say "Listen, I know this and this has been going down and frankly I am tired of it. I am tired of you pulling me around while talking to her." Then, if you want, ask answeres/questions to him of why he is pulling you around or why he is talking to her. If I were you, I would tell him that I said in the quotes. Then I would add on "If she's still around, I'm gone. I won't put up with it." Because, I don't let no man run me down if he's being a plain ass/player! You shouldn't either girl!
Author hurting so bad Posted July 12, 2004 Author Posted July 12, 2004 yeah i guess. why doesnt he just go back to her then!! i think she wants him back but its like they are both stubborn and she said he needs to get therapy and i think hes afraid to go
abfchgirlx Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 *shrugs* idunno that'd be on his end. But what do you want to do? Or.. better yet, what are you going to do about it? It's more of what you want to do about the situation. I know advice is helpful, but it's not always the answer your looking for all the time. So what do you want to do?
Iamhappy Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 I think your bf is using you as a stand-in for his ex. It doesn't matter whether he's aware of it or not. What does matter is that he's treating you with a great deal of disrespect. You shouldn't have to issue an ultimatum. If he really cared about you in the first place, he wouldn't be doing the things he's doing. He is a liar. He's lied to you about his previous relationship and he lies about the relationship he has with you now. I hope you realize that you deserve better.
jonyx18 Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 lookie here my ex pulled that bull**** on me for 3 month different being he left me and i did wanna be with him but after 2 month i found out he was with a rebound girl so i started seeing other guys he would show up in my place beat me down show up at clubs and start fights even thoe he was screwing this little trick 1 month ago i found out that he started telling people he loved her yet the whole time he was telling me to forgive him that i was the love of his life until one day i comfronted him i found out she was in town and they were hanging out by my crib when i showed up he didn't know what to say and ACTED like her man all awhile the night before he was crying with me on the phone to give him a second chance that she was just easy pussy that she can never make him feel like i did sweety i thank god he is out of my life i pitty her she has no idea what she is getting into and truthfully thats how i feel about ur situation sorry to tell u this he does not love u he's trying to boost up his ego yet i promise u this if she was to accept him he would leave u in a heart beat to trick on her again a man like him aint worth it find someone that RESPECTS u there is a reason why she left him dont wait to find out you'll only end up hurt
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