macy Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 I'm new to the site. I have been spending time reading others life stories and the wonderful advice and support many offer here. Although it's hard to read about other people's pain, it's comforting to know that my feelings through this whole D process are normal. Maybe one day I'll give my full story but for now I'd like a little help on communication suggestions. The short story is... I'm 38 years old and a mother to 2 wonderful children. They are 14 and 10. My stbxh of 16 years (do I have that acronym right... I've learned this lingo quick ) and I are finalizing a divorce in about 2 weeks. We have been on this road to D about 4 years now. He has had many (5-6 that I know of) affairs in the past 4 years. All have been one night stands because he travels a lot. He never had a desire to carry on a long term emotional affair with these women. So he confessed to me. I forgave him twice and tried to make it work but it is too much for me to live with. He wanted a divorce and I am obviously on board with this as well. Because we have children I have made it my mission to make this as smooth for them as possible. Of course I was heartbroken, devasated, depressed, humiliated, you name it! Could barely get out of bed in the beginnning. But, with time (it's been a long separation) and help from family and friends I've made good progress in my healing. Not there yet, but progress is progress. My stbxh (I think) might have issues with depression. His behavior these past few years are a far distance from who I know him to be. Deep inside he is a good man and a good father despite what he's done. Sounds weird, I know. He has continued to support us and has never abandonded the kids and I financially. I work in a field I went to college for and he's got a good job as well. He makes far more than I do though. He has agreed to all the things I asked for in the settlement agreement and has gone a little above as well. I know he feels guilt about what he's done and in his own way (twisted as that is) cares for me and of course loves the kids. Long story short, we get along the majority of the time. We have to see each other often because of the kids. The state we live in requires a 1 year separation before a d can finalize. So for the past year things have been smooth. He has lived up to what he said he would do (for the most part). Now that the d is coming up quickly and we are making sure things are squared away with the SA and the lawyers. I find the old emotions coming back. Not nearly as bad but all that hurt, anger, saddness, etc. I try to push it down. Really...what good would it do now? None. I have been short with him a few times this week and I know it's out of anger creeping back in, but I hate that I'm doing it. It's quite easy to say... "Just don't do it!". Anyone who has been through this pain knows that's easier said than done. I want so much to move past this. I wish I could just act like it's all okay and things are wonderful like he does. Any suggestions on how to communicate with an ex without letting emotions override. Any good books out there that help with this? Sorry if this is rambling and has many typos. Typing fast and so exhausted today.
Author macy Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 Oh my... lol! The title was suppose to read "Need a little advice". Sorry I am very new to these types of forums.
tojaz Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 The best advice i have macy, is to allow yourself your emotions. Anger and sadness are all part of the process as well. Healing is good but you also need to grieve for what has been lost. Rather then trying to mask the emotions you are feeling, allow them to flow. If you catch yourself being short or emotional with your stbx, just let him know what is going on. He sounds like he has been a stand up guy through the process despite his past transgressions. He will understand, he is probably feeling many of the same things as well and being able to be honest with that will add communication in the future, as you will always be connected through your children. TOJAZ 1
BetrayedH Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Someone once told me that eventually you evolve to dealing with an ex in a similar fashion as you would a coworker that you don't like. You don't deal with them any more than you have to, you don't have to trust them, but you do have to deal with them from time to time and do it in a professional manner. Be cordial (please, thank you, and so forth) but you don't need to be friends. My situation is a bit extreme (still fresh) but we only text/email about finances, the kids, or the divorce. There's not one emotional word. Ever. We're at a solid 7 months of that. It ain't warm and fuzzy but it certainly gets you detached quickly (which is a goal in and of itself in a divorce).
jwi71 Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Are these emotions geared more towards "I hate you for doing this to me and our family" or are they along the vein of "am I making the right decision" In general, if it's anger at how life is now as to what it should be (whatever that is) then its normal and healthy behavior. Allow yourself to feel and experience them. If the feelings are of "is this the righ thing to do".....then I would again allow yourself to feel and experience them. This is also natural. But I would add one caveat to it. If you do have that doubt then act on it. Open that door, if only a little. People can and do change.... Just sayin'
Author macy Posted August 1, 2012 Author Posted August 1, 2012 Thank you so much for the replies. I have taken them to heart. Divorce is awful but I have hope. Thanks again.
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