eeyore1981 Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Lifeonthe ups...just a clarification...I didn't no about my H's affairs until my affair was discovered. Almost 6 weeks ago was D-Day...the day after d-day he told me of all his affairs. And we were very open & honest with each other about the affairs on both sides. To be honest, I had NO CLUE my H was a cheater...I thought I married someone who didn't believe in cheating...so I was shocked. Anyway, my H is a good man and a good father and even a good husband...however, I had issues with him in that when I did something wrong like a stupid mistake driving the kids to the wrong school for the basketball game and then being 5 min late, etc, he would yell at me like i was a criminal. "You stupid dumb b*&ch...what the f*&k is wrong with you..I can't rely on you for anything." etc, etc, etc. He would be in my face pointing his finger with the look of death ohn his face...or the look that I killed someone. 20 minutes later it was life as usual for him..all nice to me like he did nothing wrong. Now please know that I NEVER in 17 years of marriage told him that I didn't like when he did this...I didn't tell him that it made me feel bad about myself that he treated me like a criminal. So in his defense I never stuck up for myself when he did that. Now, did he do it everday or even once a week? No more like once a month..sometimes worse than others. After a while I just dealt with it no longer got too upset about it but I built resentment towards him and it created space which he didn't know about. So I was vulnerable to having an affair in that it was an escape. Yes it was with his best friend of 7 years and the affair lasted 18 months and I said I loved him and wrote all the love letters etc that people do when they are in a "love affair" type of affair. I am a women..women cheat emotionally first and then the physical comes at some point. the OM was a master..he knew I didn't like when my H did that as he witnessed it many times. The OM played and told me what I wanted to hear emotionally. I was weak and cowardly...I should have went to my H, but I didn't. BTW for those of u haven't read the other posts or forget, this OM and my H did a lot of cheating together..and they had fun with it (I just found this out right after d-day) so my H really had no business for being friends with him. Anyway, at this point my H is not at the point I am at. He wants to focus on the affair and the OM and he is full blown seeing the OW going on overnights and all, and he isn't really living at the house. I want to understand why we did what we did and slowly try to rebuild which I know is a long, difficult journey. We are in counseling 2 days a week so we will see what happens. We are signing a post nup tmrw. I have to live by his timeline in that he has so much anger, hurt, and betrayal in him...he needs times to heal. If he ends up with the OW and he is truly happy, then I told him that maybe he always had feelings for her and maybe his affairs and mine were meant to bring this to the surface. Either way, I love him so I will fight for us, but if he goes the other way in the future and chooses not to be with me, we will be friends as we have 21 years together, 2 innocent beautiful boys, intertwined families, friends in common, house, etc. BBM #1 & #2 BBM #2 is the same song, different verse as BBM#1. You can spin it, twist it, shake it, and even turn it upside down, but it doesn't change what it is. Your H is a bully, but you know that, and apparently you get some kind of satisfaction from it or you wouldn't not only allow it to continue but actively enable it. I would say I hope he does go off with the other woman, as then you could have a shot at a better life with a better man, but the odds are you would pick someone just like him, so do what you feel like you NEED to do. I don't understand what you get out of it, but so be it. Sorry I couldn't be more help to you. Your situation makes me sad, but it's not my life, so whatever. 2
LifesontheUp Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 (edited) I hope in time you can see that you don't need him Lucy. Yes he is hurt, but what he did to the marriage with his behaviours and 6+ affairs isn't even on his radar. He is so selfish and controlling and each of his posts confirm that. Personally I don't believe he will ever change unless he is open to listening and learning and getting to the bottom of his issues. Otherwise, every relationship will be the same - once he feels he isn't getting the validation he believes he deserves he will seek it out elsewhere. Oh and yes his ego is very very hurt. After all, you had an affair with the guy he had 'fun' with. The guy he thought he could trust, was party to his secrets and was exactly like him. Oh boy, bet that hurts whatamess. Edited to add (sarcastically): And how dare you have an affair on him, when he had decided to make a go of your marriage and no longer have his affairs. How dare you..............I can see the toys being thrown out of the pram as I type. Edited August 14, 2012 by LifesontheUp 2
Cb3657 Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 I think some folks are missing the real reason this fella will never go back He and his friend were players, screwing around, playing wingman for each other Imagine how many times he saw this guy pick up someone's girlfriend or wife and thought " what a stupid slut to be falling for his game" and even though he was a player he thought - thank god my wife is smart enough to see through these types of games and would never be with a scum like him. This is why he will never be with her again, he found out she was not smarter than that and she could be played, I will bet his friend was telling him stories about screwing a hot married mama on guys nights, and now he finds it's his wife. I emphasize that I don't think either of these people should be in this marriage as it is clear they don't know how a commitment works, however I KNOW he will never go back to her as he has lost 100% of his respect for her, not case she cheated but cause she got played
jnj express Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 And so that makes her cheating worse than his???????? He is just a bully as has been said---he has been screwing everything in town, and boasting of it---what gives him the right to be on his high horse----it doesn't matter who his wife had sex with---cheating, is cheating, is cheating----too bad that he had is little bully boy ego deflated. 1
Cb3657 Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 His cheating is likely worse although a value judgement makes little sense in this case, I simply am saying he will NEVER go back since he now has 0 respect for her, whether he is bully Or not I am sure you been around a player. They expect the ladies they Date(not just f) to be smarter and better than a average bar pickup, he no longer feels this is true. Probably better for both of them though
KraftDinner Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Does anyone else think it's weird whatamess keeps saying 'of course nobody here will sympathise with me because this site is full of betrayed spouses'? I mean, doesn't he seem to want to convince himself HE is the betrayed spouse? Even he knows what he has done/is doing is much worse. Unbelievably selfish, whatamess. Oh, and to find out you scream at and verbally accuse your wife...well, clearly you are catch of the year. Lucy, I just want to shake you! Wake UP! This guy is worthless.
nofool4u Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Does anyone else think it's weird whatamess keeps saying 'of course nobody here will sympathise with me because this site is full of betrayed spouses'? Not so much weird as it is an explanation of the kind of character that landed her in the cheater's seat. To cheat and be flippant tells alot about the situation.
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