We Both cheated...Now What?

[Spark1111]

Eeyore...I get what you are saying, but I have hurt him so deeply that he needs to feel like a man again...I took that away from him especially since it was his bestfriend. He thinks he's my 2nd choice even though he isn't. I don't know if i said this in the original post, but the OM got a tattoo symbolizing his love for me very early in the relationship. Just recently about 2 /3 months ago I told my H that I wanted a tattoo...like a heart on the lower abdomen. The tattoo was suppossed to symbolize my love for the OM. Thank God I didn't do it...also in the original post I quoted an email that I never sent to the OM but it was in my drafts. Very hurtful words. Additionally, on our D-Day we had sex and some time later that day I emailed OM saying that I hope we can meet up again like we did 3 weeks ago. My husband read that. My H doesn't believe that a person can have an "aha" moment when faced with their life on the line. I tried to explain it to my husband that it's easy to say I love you to another person when you know your spouse is secure and isn't aware of the affair. But sometimes when an affair is exposed, it's a wake up call. My husband doesn't understand how my feelings for the OM have disappeared. I've tried to explain that the feelings are gone in that they never were really real. I've tried to tell him that the OM was just an escape from my own issues with myself and my marriage. I truly don't have any feelings for the OM. So what do you think now?

 

fBS here....It took me years to understand the mindset of my fWH.

 

The texts, ILYs, our future forever.....went pssst as soon as his affair was discovered by me.

 

All that fantasy, projection, delusion....just up in smoke within a few weeks.

 

I have spent the last four years trying to understand why he almost lost it all for a woman who seemed smart and kind, but really liked the finer things in life he afforded her, KWIM?

 

And the most important thing you two have to figure out is WHY...Why did you make the most self-destructive choices in the world if you were trying to fix anything in the marriage?

[eeyore1981]

and that may be so, but we aren't out here to hear that, we seek advice, helpful advice from people who have had this experience, in a way to help us heal. .

 

All the rest snipped for space. BBM

 

People are trying to give helpful advice, we can't help it if you don't like the advice given.

 

I haven't had this experience, in 27 years of marriage I have never cheated. However, I don't have to be in a marriage where both of us couldn't keep it in our pants to KNOW that you guys can't work this out with one party minimizing the pain of betrayal done to the other party, while at the same time exploring the possibilities of a relationship with someone else. Your wife, and now you, both seem to want to pretend this is NOT what you're doing, but every post made by you confirms it is EXACTLY what you are doing.

 

 

Whatamess, if you believe the priest was correct in stating you shouldn't tell your wife of your infidelities, why the double standard that she must tell you of hers? See what I'm saying? If you guys can't be on the same page, this is never going to work.

 

Whatamess, if you are having a difficult time working on this marriage because you fear your wife still wants to be with OM, why the double standard of you getting to explore your feelings for yet another third party to your marriage?

 

My advice, which will be helpful if you're willing to take it, is for both of you to go 100% no contact with everyone you have cheated with or are thinking about cheating with and both of you devote your time and attention to each other, the wife and husband, which should be the only two in this marriage to begin with. Otherwise, either sit down and make some ground rules for an open marriage, or get a divorce and be done with it.

 

These incessant mind games are what have put your marriage where it's at today, aren't you two old enough at this point to be mature adults and start acting like it? You have BOTH hurt each other, work together to repair the damage you have BOTH done to each other instead of getting out the score cards and wasting so much energy on who was worse.

[Furious]

Whatamess

 

It's ironic how cheaters hate being cheated on.

 

It was ok for you and your best buddy to cheat on your wives, but of course that's different because it was just sex and no love attached to it, boys will be boys.

 

You didn't give a damn your best friend was also cheating on his wife, she was your friend too, her kids were friends with your kids, and you played her for a fool. But when your best friend also played you for a fool by sleeping with your wife...well that's just wrong.

 

So get off your high horse, because you're no better, and both you and your wife were played by a player. Ouch, that hurts!

[jnj express]

Hey Lucy-----stop all of this allowing your H., to dictate---or even give his opinion

 

He is bullying you

 

An A., is an A., is an A---it doesn't matter who with, how many---he cheated, you cheated------you do not take one bit of crap from out of his mouth---if you do, then you are just giving in to a serial cheater, who is trying to manipulate and bluster his way thru this

 

Who cares if it was his friend, you cheated with, he cheated, and basically he cheated thru your whole mge.

 

I am really not sure why you would wanna stay with him, cuz he just keeps on cheating, just like the clock keeps on ticking

 

Sad to say, the real losers are your children, who get to look at 2 parents, who do not know what the meaning of mge/family is all about, and now are stuck with the 2 of you, and your misery.

 

If you stay together, you will both probably be miserable, one or the other of you will be triggering, most of the time, and no one will trust the other---anytime there is anything out of the ordinary, one of you is gonna scream foul, and start checking on the other

 

As to now, are you both gonna be each others parole officer

 

IMHO----no matter what you wanna believe, you should get out of this toxic mge., and get away from this toxic H., of yours, and his 6 A's----you have to know, the minute he doesn't like what is happening with the mge., he will go hunting

 

Are you gonna keep him tied to your apron strings, it seems the way he is, that won't happen, so the minute he is out on his own, what are you gonna be thinking---and checking on him, is so much NOTHING---if he wants to cheat, he will do it deep underground---you know the drill you have done it yourself.

 

You both need to go your seperate ways, and hopefully meet up with someone, who will be true/loyal/and a good partner------sorry, but I have to add this, but I don't think your H., will ever make a good partner---the past predicts the future, and he cheats

 

But no matter what---DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO BULLY YOU, ABOUT ANYTHING!!!!!!!!

[lucy Reynolds]

Hi JnJ Express...Ty for your response, but I do think u r being a bit harsh on my H and our relationship. Did u read his post ? #34..by whatamess11? He isn't bullying me..he is hurt, angry, and betrayed...as am I. The deal is we both did a lot of wrong at different times in the marriage and for different reasons. We had a comminucation problem. We should have went to each other, but instead we went outside the marriage. PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE ARE DOOMED. Many couples survive infidelity with the right mindset. He and I need to think inward to our realtionship and stay in therapy instead of going outside the marriage. Survivinginfidelity.com has a whole thread of posItive stories of reconciliation...which are very inspiring. My H and I are at different points in that he is having a harder time moving forward with us in that he doesn't see a happy ending for us...so that means I have to be the strong one for both of us. MY H AND I ARE GOOD PEOPLE WHO MADE GRAVE MISTAKES. WE ARE GOOD PARENTS..AND WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS IN DUE TIME. Some people are more negative than others...I'm a bit more positive in that if my H and I have even an ounce of love for each other we should fight before we give up...marriage vows for "better or worse".."in good times and in bad." Well, we have been fortunate in that we have had a lot of "better" and a lot of "good times" and now we are faced with "worse" and "bad." What would the priest who married us tell us to do? FIGHT AND LIVE OUT OUR MARRIAGE VOWS!

[Artie Lang]

this relationship is toxic on so many levels it's not even funny.

 

you sir have received your comeuppance, and you madame are just another conquest for this OM to gloat over. nice touch on the tattoo, by the way. ugh!

 

you all deserve one another. maybe you guys can get the other BS and make a foursome out of it, i don't know.

[jnj express]

Lucy and mess---what is there to say---Mess--I did not read your post prior to posting---so I am going off of Lucy's posts only

 

I can now see that you have also been stomped on and destroyed, and her getting the tattoo---will trigger you for as long as you stay with her---If she wanted that tattoo, it should have been under to decision that she was gonna D., now she wants back in and everytime you see her tattoo, immediate problems will arise

 

You 2 have major problems, you have both hurt each other terribly, how do each of you get thru this---Lucy says, now all of a sudden she will be strong for the both of you, but had she not been caught, she would still be with her lover---so how is it, she has all of a sudden "got it"

 

As to this guy wno seems to bed every woman in sight, maybe its time all the H's, WHO HAVE BEEN DESTROYED BY HIM,pay him a visit together--i DO NOT THINK VIOLENCE IS ANY WAY TO GO BY A BETRAYED--BUT THIS GUY IS OUT OF CONTROL AND NEEDS TO BE TAKEN DOWN

[lucy Reynolds]

jnj express...I didn't get the tattoo...It was a thought but I probably would have never gone through with it as I felt it was wrong. However, even the thought is extremely hurtful to my husband, and that I feel horrible about that I would even think to do something like that. I know it's hard to beleive but I never loved the OM even though I said and did the things that I did. He was an escape from my problems and issues with my H...someone to talk to who listened..someone who alos knew us so well that he manipulated the situation. A person can have an "aha" moment as I have when faced with the reality that their H knows of the affair. It makes me sick almost vomit at times that I have risked the love and relationship with my H for this OM...I will never forgive myself for that.

 

Artie...My H and I hurt each other very deeply that is true, but I feel with a lot of counseling, patience, and hope we can recover. My H and I are at different stages in that he has given me his word to go to counseling which I respect and am very greatful for, but he feels he will never get past what I did. I can only pray that as times goes by that the details and the mind movies with lessen and that we can better understand why both of us went outside of our marriage instead of to each other.

[lucy Reynolds]

To All...a quick update....

My H us now full blown dating his exfiance from 25 years ago and it has become both emotional and physical very quickly. For the record, they have had very little conact over the past 25 years. My H and I are still in counseling so maybe there is hope for us yet. I'm trying to give hime the space and time he needs to deal with his anger and sadness but I don't feel he should be in a relationship with another woman if he hasn't healed from our situation and if we haven't given it our all; however I have accepted it as it brings him some happiness in his day and hopefully some clarity. It's only been 5 weeks since D-Day. We are at different points...I want to get through this together and learn why we hurt each other over the years, but he just wants to move forward without me as he is afraid and scared of being alone...in that he thinks I'm gonna go with the OM at some point or eventually do the same with another man and then leave. My H said he doesn't want to do anything to mess up the possible opportunity with this woman. I'm not afraid of being alone but I'm afraid of losing him. Anyway, any helpful advice will be appreciated. Please don't bash him or I...we are real people with real problems, and we need some guidance from as many objective people as possible. Thank you...

[BetrayedH]

Lucy,

 

Your H will not choose you while he is allowed to have both of you. Your only hope is for one of you to leave so that he can see exactly what he is losing by choosing to "date" this OW. You must burst his fantasy bubble. If you enable this behavior, it will continue. Your A was wrong and he has a right to be immensely upset but you cannot have a marriage with three people involved. He either commits to the marriage or he loses it. You're going to have to force a choice and he needs to lose you in order to really see what he has lost.

 

Good luck to you.

[LifesontheUp]

Hello Lucy. You have both done wrong but I really am disgusted by your husbands continued selfish ways. Why you are allowing him to treat you like this? He's a serial cheater with some very deep issues that you cannot fix. Cut him loose and deal with your issues. Don't let him keep you hanging on just in case. He obviously doesn't love you enough to work it out with you. He is thinking again of himself. What a selfish p**ck he is.

[lucy Reynolds]

BetrayedH...My H is trying in his own way by counseling and talking with me a lot, but he hasn't committed back to us yet. He said I checked out 18 months ago when my affair began..so now he said he is checking out for as long as he needs. I feel he checked out in the marriage too at times when he had his affairs (which i found out about only after mine) even if he didn't love those women. We are only 5 weeks since D-Day. The reason why I'm accepting this relationship with the exfiance is because if I say it's me or her..he will file for divorce. Keep in mind, I'm not afraid of being alone..I'm attractive, fit, educated with a good job. I'm 43 and look a lot younger...that isn't an issue for me. I'm afraid of losing the man I love..the man I want to make the world up to for the wrong I've done. We are in counceling and we are learning about why we have gone outside the marriage and it's been very helpful thus far. And I do agree with the other poster in that at some point months down the line if we r still in counseling and he is still seeing her, he or I will have to make a choice. Ty for your advice...much appreciated.

[dreamingoftigers]

Eventually as we grow and mature as people we grow to love not by "who someone is" but by how they treat us.

 

What does his treatment of you say?

 

What does allowing his continued treatment of you say about how much you care about your own self?

 

Truly I think the only way to keep this guy (and you probably won't want to keep him once you can) is to lose him for awhile.

 

Right now he is saturated in sex and love. He doesn't have a problem. Both of his women do. Leaving him behind would make it his problem. And trust me, it would make it OW's problem too.

 

If he's willing to divorce you after all the myriad of cheating and distinct disrespect he has done and continues to do, I think he needs to learn a lot about love and forgiveness to even come close to having a normal, real relationship with another human being.

 

It's obvious you do too because you are still willing to debase yourself to this level without any kind of plan.

 

Marital Recovery is like a warzone. What are your exit points. Since you aren't George W Bush, let's assume that you are going to make an exit plan before going too far into this.

 

What do you need to see before either a) feeling that this marriage is healthy and recovered and b) being able to leave and be happy with that.

 

You need to have both contingencies covered before fully committing to saving a marriage where you are becoming the OW.

 

What's your bottom line? How much time energy and effort are you willing to put in for the "benefit" of getting back a serial cheat that spits on your efforts because you love him?

[whatamess11]

Hi all, my W (Lucy) and I have been posting, haven't been on in a few days and would like to clarify a few things. I am very hurt, very angry, and completely lost. I realize this is a site that is frequented by others who also have been cheated on, and therefore also people who will not be sympathetic to what has occurred with me in my situation. I get it, really do. Let me say, I did wrong, my wrong in my marriage was based on my selfishness, which i am finding out in counseling and talking to my W that occurred because of my own self confidence issues where i truly felt unloved, unwanted, and undesired at home.

 

That said, I stopped what i had done, on my own and was concentrating on my marriage when i was devasted to learn that my W of 17 yrs had an ongoing 18 month love affair with my best friend. I never loved another woman, EVER!. my W and this man told each other, "i love you with all my heart, you are the person i want to spend my life with, you mean everything to me, etc, etc.." on a daily basis for well over 1 yr, all while she laid in bed with me. I read an email written by my W to her lover stating, " hey, can i ask you something, when you have to (yes, she wrote , have to) have sex with your W, what do you do? i don't want to have sex with my H, especially kissing, I would rather be by myself. What do you d? how do you handle it?" this was her exact email, that i read. WOW....now , in an instant, this man means nothing to her and she wants me? her best friend told me, " She should have never married you, i don't think she loved you all these yrs". this woman knew nothing of my affairs, btw.

 

Also, I stopped...committed to my W. She got caught. If not, she would still be with this man today. Now, onto the Ex Fiancee. I reached out to her several weeks ago ( we had remained friends, family are friends, etc) my intent was to talk of our issues from 20 plus yrs ago. not to reconnect in any way. Heck, i thought this woman lived 2000 miles away. ironically, she had recently moved back into our area, and we met, and have been seeing each other. I think some of you are under the idea that i am seeing my ex and also my W. not true. W and i do not live together. we are living separately. I am being completely truthful with both my W in counseling ,or with any question regarding my relationship with my ex she may have. Additionally, i am completely truthful with my ex, telling her all things that are happening. I am not, in any way connected to my W.

 

 

We are in counseling, we are talking, i am trying to work through my pain, as she is hers. If, at some point, there is some type of opening towards reconciliation then I would never see another woman. At this point, we are trying to cope, trying to talk, and trying to see if theres anything left to save....BUT, we are not trying to get together as a couple at this point, and my W knows this. I am not a monster, i am very hurt, very lost and the only thing that keeps me from throwing myself off a cliff (not literally) is this relationship with the ex. without whom, i would be curled up in a ball, literally...in a very deep depression. Escape? perhaps. Who knows, but i do very much care for her, and I think it will take months for me to see where i am truly at, and what I would truly like to do.

 

Lastly, I have at no point told my W that she is not free to do as she wishes. Personally, i think she still wants the OM, who is now also free, so lets sit back and see what happens next, but even if its not him, we are living separate lives, she is free to do as she pleases....Counseling has helped, but my god, i am still such a mess

Edited August 13, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[dreamingoftigers]

Omfg,

 

I get that you guys have a problem with fidelity, but really, do you need to boycott paragraphs too!?

 

Seriously, Mess, get real, you are cheater cheater cheater.

 

Guess what? Just because you "felt bad and guilty" doesn't make you any less culpable or damaging. Get real.

 

Quit thumping on stbxw because you didn't like her cheating.

 

She cheated on you in a more "female" way I.e. Relationally and you cheated on her in a more "male" way I.e. Just being a sleazebag who uses women like toilet paper.

 

Seriously, Lucy, how can you fight for this guy? Like really? You are willing to do the work to save the M and he still wants to cry himself to sleep for the playing field getting evened out while he still cheating. Even though he'd like to call it "a shoulder to cry on" or whatever.

 

Lucy, you've been replaced. You are no longer your husband's "Mommy and Babysitter" he found a new one. Let her watch him for a little while.

 

Hopefully he'll have the courtesy for her that he didn't have for you: to let her know that he's out fuc*ing her whole apartment block the second her back is turned.

 

Lucy. Stay away from "men" for a bit, all of them. Go home, cry yourself to sleep for a couple of nights, get yourself some therapy. Then after a year or so, when the divorce is final, you find a nice guy, a new guy that actually gives a damn about you and won't risk you becoming some kind of STD infested vessel.

 

Let Mess stay in his mess, considering he doesn't want to clean it up. He just wants to play house with New Mommy.

[LifesontheUp]

Whatamess11 - Can you say narcissistic?

 

Lucy - yet again whatamess is trying to justify what he is doing, because you had an affair. Yet how many did he have before yours? He has massive issues, and unless he gets the help he needs he will always cheat, cause you know, well it boosts his ego and its all about him after all

 

I will say it again, why are you waiting for a man who has had a number of affairs already, but he is doing so now and in front of your face, and all under the guise that he's being honest. Get away from him and deal with your issues.

 

OMG how twisted and sick you are whatamess. Hopefully your wife will wake up and realise it, and will not put up with your narcissitic justifications forever.

[LifesontheUp]

I am very hurt, very angry, and completely lost. I realize this is a site that is frequented by others who also have been cheated on, and therefore also people who will not be sympathetic to what has occurred with me in my situation.

 

Why would you want sympathy? You are a serial cheater, own it. Also own that you don't like having done to you what you did to your wife over and over. Double standards abound here whatamess!

 

 

I get it, really do. Let me say, I did wrong, my wrong in my marriage was based on my selfishness, which i am finding out in counseling and talking to my W that occurred because of my own self confidence issues where i truly felt unloved, unwanted, and undesired at home.

 

No you don't get it. You've just moved on to another woman, because you cannot deal with the s*!t you helped create. You've run away, how adult of you

 

 

That said, I stopped what i had done, on my own and was concentrating on my marriage when i was devasted to learn that my W of 17 yrs had an ongoing 18 month love affair with my best friend. I never loved another woman, EVER!. my W and this man told each other, "i love you with all my heart, you are the person i want to spend my life with, you mean everything to me, etc, etc.." on a daily basis for well over 1 yr, all while she laid in bed with me. I read an email written by my W to her lover stating, " hey, can i ask you something, when you have to (yes, she wrote , have to) have sex with your W, what do you do? i don't want to have sex with my H, especially kissing, I would rather be by myself. What do you d? how do you handle it?" this was her exact email, that i read.

 

And here again your ego raises its ugly head. So it was okay for you to have your affairs, but not your wife? Oh but its worse cause you never loved another woman. Whatamess, you don't love your wife, or you would not have done what you did. Your affairs were about you, your current one is about you. Its all about you........

 

 

 

WOW....now , in an instant, this man means nothing to her and she wants me? her best friend told me, " She should have never married you, i don't think she loved you all these yrs". this woman knew nothing of my affairs, btw. Also, I stopped...committed to my W. She got caught. If not, she would still be with this man today.

 

Wow you are claiming the higher moral ground from a serial cheaters position? Do you realise how stupid this sounds? Most affairs end when the cheater gets caught. You don't know, whether she would have stopped, in a few weeks or months just as you did. Who knows. Doesn't alter that the cheating happened, so what does it matter apart from again, your ego has been bashed.

 

 

Now, onto the Ex Fiancee. I reached out to her several weeks ago ( we had remained friends, family are friends, etc) my intent was to talk of our issues from 20 plus yrs ago. not to reconnect in any way. Heck, i thought this woman lived 2000 miles away. ironically, she had recently moved back into our area, and we met, and have been seeing each other.

 

Yep, mighty adult thing to do. You are married, you are a serial cheater with issues and you reach out to an ex fiancee. Oh come on, be on your own or sort your marriage out before YET AGAIN bringing another woman into the mix. But hey, its all about you isn't it whatamess?

 

 

I think some of you are under the idea that i am seeing my ex and also my W. not true. W and i do not live together. we are living separately. I am being completely truthful with both my W in counseling ,or with any question regarding my relationship with my ex she may have. Additionally, i am completely truthful with my ex, telling her all things that are happening. I am not, in any way connected to my W. We are in counseling, we are talking, i am trying to work through my pain, as she is hers. If, at some point, there is some type of opening towards reconciliation then I would never see another woman.

 

Ah well, so its okay cause you don't live together at the moment. Be an adult and work through your pain without adding another woman to the mix or you will never be out of a mess. You will continue lifes patterns over and over.

 

 

At this point, we are trying to cope, trying to talk, and trying to see if theres anything left to save....BUT, we are not trying to get together as a couple at this point, and my W knows this. I am not a monster, i am very hurt, very lost and the only thing that keeps me from throwing myself off a cliff (not literally) is this relationship with the ex. without whom, i would be curled up in a ball, literally...in a very deep depression. Escape? perhaps. Who knows, but i do very much care for her, and I think it will take months for me to see where i am truly at, and what I would truly like to do. Lastly, I have at no point told my W that she is not free to do as she wishes. Personally, i think she still wants the OM, who is now also free, so lets sit back and see what happens next, but even if its not him, we are living separate lives, she is free to do as she pleases....Counseling has helped, but my god, i am still such a mess

 

You are a mess because all you are thinking of is yourself. I've said it above and will say it again. If you are are serious about sorting yourself out, why can't you be on your own for a while instead of involving someone else into your world of issues. Put your ego aside for once and do the right thing - don't involve anyone in your life until you have sorted yourself out.

[dreamingoftigers]

He's only thinking of him.

She's only thinking of him.

 

Somewhere in there, something must be crying out for her to be remembered in this damn mix.

 

I'm sure he cried all the way to the OW's house.

[Darren Steez]

Unreal, love is an incredible thing ain't it?

[BetrayedH]

I agree with the other poster that discussed how the gender roles in affairs differ. For women, they seek an emotional connection that is missing at home and when they find it, it leads to sex. For men, they seek sex because that is what makes them feel emotionally connected. Mess, you even seemed to confirm this when you said you felt unloved at home.

 

I also get that you feel better about having stopped your affair(s) voluntarily. Your wife did not (perhaps she would have - it took you, what, six women before you recommitted?). One statistic out there is that when an affair is disclosed, couples have twice the chance of reconciling than those that are discovered. But you didn't disclose our affairs either, did you?

 

Mess, ultimately I would hope that you can reach a point where you understand that neither affair is worse than the other. The fact is that you are both wayward spouses and both betrayed spouses. IF you want to reconcile, you must both rebuild trust (which is ridiculously hard and takes years to do) and you must do it for someone whom you do not trust. It is a TALL order and either of you has the option to determine that your spouse's infidelity was a dealbreaker.

 

What I see here is one person being willing to make the effort and the other one being unwilling. I am trying not to judge you for your choice.

 

But when it comes to advising the original poster, I do not recommend that she tries to fix this marriage from one side and if you continue your behavior while you are still married, she should absolutely be done with you. I give her some credit for trying anyway (although her approach is misguided).

 

Mess, as for you, I find nothing to give you credit for. You have a wealth of ethical choices you can make, yet you make none of them. You refuse to be held accountable, you irrationally insist that her affair is somehow "worse" than yours, you actively have another woman involved while you are married, and you are wanting to be viewed as the victim here. News flash...there are only victims in this situation. What are you doing NOW to make ethical choices? Pretending to work on your marriage via counseling while you have another woman console you with her tits, ass, and vagina? You should stop trying to sell that nonsense here. This is coming from someone that made similar piss poor decisions following my Dday. People make mistakes but still actively making them and expecting sympathy is bull. Your wife's affair broke you. I get that, as do many people here. But staying broken is your choice.

 

I advise you to leave your OW or to immediately file for divorce. I advise your wife to immediately file for divorce and only to reconsider if/when you leave your OW. Anything short of this is unethical on your part and a waste of time on Lucy's part.

[BetrayedH]

BetrayedH...My H is trying in his own way by counseling and talking with me a lot, but he hasn't committed back to us yet. He said I checked out 18 months ago when my affair began..so now he said he is checking out for as long as he needs. I feel he checked out in the marriage too at times when he had his affairs (which i found out about only after mine) even if he didn't love those women. We are only 5 weeks since D-Day. The reason why I'm accepting this relationship with the exfiance is because if I say it's me or her..he will file for divorce. Keep in mind, I'm not afraid of being alone..I'm attractive, fit, educated with a good job. I'm 43 and look a lot younger...that isn't an issue for me. I'm afraid of losing the man I love..the man I want to make the world up to for the wrong I've done. We are in counceling and we are learning about why we have gone outside the marriage and it's been very helpful thus far. And I do agree with the other poster in that at some point months down the line if we r still in counseling and he is still seeing her, he or I will have to make a choice. Ty for your advice...much appreciated.

 

You're welcome. And yeah, if you can manage to figure out why you made such destructive choices before you get into future relationships, you sound like a great catch to me. I wouldn't waste much more time if I were you, at least not out of guilt or obligation.

[whatamess11]

Realizing fully who i was typing to (the betrayed) i didn't expect to get much sympathy, but thought that perhaps somehow someone could see though our mess and see where i raise some points. but, that is not the case. I do no think i wrote it as well as i should or as details to the events. That said, i will spare writing more details of our relationship, as i see where the jury stands here. Through the insults there were some constructive points raised that i did read, and will listen to. so, thank you for that. Despite all the criticism, i was a good hubby, good dad, and as crazy as it may seem, we really did have a great relationship outside of this glaring communication issue that seems to have ruined our marriage. We were the couple that had it all, on the outside, but clearly there were deeper issues below that have now ruined that relationship.

 

My W was clearly unhappy for a long period of time, it took her years to get to the point of where she could have an affair, and then another few yrs to have the affair. Again, more details i will not share here, but many stumbling blocks now stand in our way. We are in counseling for healing, not for reconciliation at this point), and i do not see an end in site that brings us together, ex fiancé or not. I also think that my W is fooling herself. i do not think she is being truthful about her feelings. Please tell me how she can go to loving the OM so intensely...i love you forever, you are the man of my dreams, i want to be with you forever, i would rather be by myself than kiss my H or have sex with him, i will brand myself with a tattoo to show you my love for u goes on for infinity, etc, etc....to, having no feelings for him at all????? please. i really want to know how that is possible.

 

At some point, perhaps we may both get to a point where discussing us as a couple is viable. at this point it is not. Im not there,and quite frankly, despite her posts, I live it, and I assure you, my W is not there either. She is free to do as she pleases. We are in counseling for our healing so perhaps at the end we can have a friendship for our kids, and be better people down the road. I assure you, I had no interest in having any more affairs prior to my coming clean, and hadn't for some time, and also I would never do that again, despite what the choir out here thinks. We are heading to a divorce, that much is sure, and it is a painful process. something that my W had contemplated during her affair, even wished for at points during it. I never thought it possible and am having a rough time dealing with the pain, the hurt, and all that goes with it. I am not ready to reconcile. And have stated that here and to my W. I may never be. I don't think she is either, at this point.

 

Time away may be the best case scenario, maybe not. its not like we are experienced in this, first time for us, you know. maybe down the line after some individual counseling and joint counseling, we may get to a point where there is an opening for us, maybe not. but, it doesn't change my pain. i would do anything to erase this and start over with my W, but i don't see it clearly now, and i am fighting to find a way to do that.....oh here come the comments, "yeah, fighting o hard to another woman's arms, and vagina" whatever, spin this how u want. I know what i feel, and its a pain i wish on no person, not even the OM

Edited August 13, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[worldgonewrong]

Let's boil the math down-

 

Whatamess can't get over the fact that his wife had 1 d*ck in her;

Lucy is willing to forgive the 6 (more?) times Whatamess stuck his d*ck into other women.

 

This is about ego, all about ego.

 

The fact is, on some level, Whatamess does NOT want his marriage to work. He's sabotaged it and continues to do so. On the surface, the word "love" is used, but this isn't about love anymore. It's about punishing the other person to make the other person realize who's top dog.

 

BetrayedH said everything very eloquently a few posts up.

We've entered "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" territory here, and it's time to stop cutting each other down to size...because NONE of this advances or points toward Love.

 

You were both self-involved, self-absorbed, and selfish people. Face it. And I think Lucy is a lot closer to that ugly realization that Whatamess.

Do yourselves a favor and split, because I only foresee more heartache/deceit/ugliness in your futures if you stick together.

OR - and this will sound wacky - *match* each other's level of humility and re-start with a fresh degree of respect & honesty & forgiveness. Without that, you're sunk. This means BOTH of you fighting for your marriage, not just lip service.

[LifesontheUp]

You don't need to answer here but you should stop and think about your contribution to the failure of your marriage. What was it like for your wife when you were having your numerous affairs. However well you think you hid them you will have been different with her.

 

You have a tendency to seek out ow when you need validation. This is what you are doing now. Why don't you fix your issues before involving someone else. It's not fair on them and all you are doing is repeating your life's patterns.

[lucy Reynolds]

Lifeonthe ups...just a clarification...I didn't no about my H's affairs until my affair was discovered. Almost 6 weeks ago was D-Day...the day after d-day he told me of all his affairs. And we were very open & honest with each other about the affairs on both sides. To be honest, I had NO CLUE my H was a cheater...I thought I married someone who didn't believe in cheating...so I was shocked. Anyway, my H is a good man and a good father and even a good husband...however, I had issues with him in that when I did something wrong like a stupid mistake driving the kids to the wrong school for the basketball game and then being 5 min late, etc, he would yell at me like i was a criminal. "You stupid dumb b*&ch...what the f*&k is wrong with you..I can't rely on you for anything." etc, etc, etc. He would be in my face pointing his finger with the look of death ohn his face...or the look that I killed someone. 20 minutes later it was life as usual for him..all nice to me like he did nothing wrong. Now please know that I NEVER in 17 years of marriage told him that I didn't like when he did this...I didn't tell him that it made me feel bad about myself that he treated me like a criminal. So in his defense I never stuck up for myself when he did that. Now, did he do it everday or even once a week? No more like once a month..sometimes worse than others. After a while I just dealt with it no longer got too upset about it but I built resentment towards him and it created space which he didn't know about. So I was vulnerable to having an affair in that it was an escape. Yes it was with his best friend of 7 years and the affair lasted 18 months and I said I loved him and wrote all the love letters etc that people do when they are in a "love affair" type of affair. I am a women..women cheat emotionally first and then the physical comes at some point. the OM was a master..he knew I didn't like when my H did that as he witnessed it many times. The OM played and told me what I wanted to hear emotionally. I was weak and cowardly...I should have went to my H, but I didn't. BTW for those of u haven't read the other posts or forget, this OM and my H did a lot of cheating together..and they had fun with it (I just found this out right after d-day) so my H really had no business for being friends with him.

 

Anyway, at this point my H is not at the point I am at. He wants to focus on the affair and the OM and he is full blown seeing the OW going on overnights and all, and he isn't really living at the house. I want to understand why we did what we did and slowly try to rebuild which I know is a long, difficult journey. We are in counseling 2 days a week so we will see what happens. We are signing a post nup tmrw. I have to live by his timeline in that he has so much anger, hurt, and betrayal in him...he needs times to heal. If he ends up with the OW and he is truly happy, then I told him that maybe he always had feelings for her and maybe his affairs and mine were meant to bring this to the surface. Either way, I love him so I will fight for us, but if he goes the other way in the future and chooses not to be with me, we will be friends as we have 21 years together, 2 innocent beautiful boys, intertwined families, friends in common, house, etc.