dreamingoftigers Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 If you get 50 posts you might be able to get PM abilities, since you started in July. That may help
Author UCTD Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Hey, you don't HAVE to decide everything all at once but it would ge a good idea to back off or take a break from him and marital issues for a bit. Go somewhere for a week or something. Stay with a friend if you can, gather you thoughts if you can. that's what i'm working on, actually. If you get 50 posts you might be able to get PM abilities, since you started in July. That may help LOL.... well, i could run around and post a bunch of "i concur"s... 1
Author UCTD Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Oh, 1 clarification.... i'm not all that "young". I'm 51. Still young at heart, and still plenty of time left to be happy, or miserable. But i'm not a young girl.
turnera Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Does your work have one of those nurse hotline things where you can call and talk to someone?
Author UCTD Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Does your work have one of those nurse hotline things where you can call and talk to someone? no, unfortunately. but, that raises a possibility.... county mental health....
2sunny Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Oh, 1 clarification.... i'm not all that "young". I'm 51. Still young at heart, and still plenty of time left to be happy, or miserable. But i'm not a young girl. Oh dear... I thought from the way your H is acting that you were late 20's. I couldn't imagine living one day the way you are. In fact - after 23 years with the same man...when he started with this kind of suspicious behavior - I ended the 20 year M with one phone call saying calmly " the locks are changed - don't bother coming home" - I took my power back by taking action and speaking MY TRUTH - which was simply that I deserved more from life than a H who cheats! He knew it was true too - he simply cried for a year - he ruined our so called perfect life by compromising the marriage. 1
Author UCTD Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Oh dear... I thought from the way your H is acting that you were late 20's. I couldn't imagine living one day the way you are. In fact - after 23 years with the same man...when he started with this kind of suspicious behavior - I ended the 20 year M with one phone call saying calmly " the locks are changed - don't bother coming home" - I took my power back by taking action and speaking MY TRUTH - which was simply that I deserved more from life than a H who cheats! He knew it was true too - he simply cried for a year - he ruined our so called perfect life by compromising the marriage. The way we're acting.... sigh. Yeah.... in the beginning of our relationship, i didn't ask many questions about his comings and goings. We were both very grown up people, and there wasn't really any commitment between us, so i figured i didn't have any right to question. Then we started seeing each other pretty much daily, spending a couple nights at my place, a couple at his. We were together allllll the time, so, no need for questioning anything. I always knew where he was and what he was doing. This craziness just started a few weeks ago. In hindsight, I should have nipped it in the bud, put my foot down, or something. But, honestly, it's like it happened a couple times, and i woke up and it's weeks down the road and he's still doing it. And i'm really angry at myself for not standing up sooner. i did manage to get my hands on his phone this afternoon. he's got to be deleting stuff.... i need to get into his online phone record.
veggirl Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Since you can get into his email, just do a password reset ("forgot password" on the website) for the online phone account. Then you can get the new password from his email and delete the email. If he pays his bill online or whatever, oh well he will just be confused as to why his password doesn't work anymore and will do his own reset. It's the quickest way for you to get in! 1
Author UCTD Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Since you can get into his email, just do a password reset ("forgot password" on the website) for the online phone account. Then you can get the new password from his email and delete the email. If he pays his bill online or whatever, oh well he will just be confused as to why his password doesn't work anymore and will do his own reset. It's the quickest way for you to get in! Actually, i went and nabbed his phone again, and reset with a text, which i then deleted. and i'm downloading to my laptop so i can analyze at my leisure.
2sunny Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 What's the point? You know what he's doing... And it's definitely not anything that considers YOUR feelings= HIS WIFE! I'd kick his a$$ to the curb so fast that he gets a crystal clear message that he screwed up! And stop sitting in silence - start telling him not to come home since he's obviously out chasing anyone but you = his wife! It's Friday - is he home tonight? 1
2sunny Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Does he have any history of alcohol or drug problems?
turnera Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 If it were me, the next time he goes out and you know he's whoring, I'd call a locksmith over on an emergency call, get the locks changed, and charge it to his credit card. If he tries to make a fuss you can just tell the cops "I don't know, officer, I GAVE him a new set..."
2sunny Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 If it were me, the next time he goes out and you know he's whoring, I'd call a locksmith over on an emergency call, get the locks changed, and charge it to his credit card. If he tries to make a fuss you can just tell the cops "I don't know, officer, I GAVE him a new set..." I would also suggest changing the locks. Change the garage door code too so he can't get in. Move money to an account he can't access. But I disagree with the delivery of pretending he has a key. I'd suggest honesty and a direct approach. Nothing passive aggressive. Honey - the locks are changed - I don't want you near me or I'll call the cops. Stay ANYWHERE else but here.
GLDheart Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Just what you know would be enough for me. Facts: 1. He is lying to you about his phone not working, no service, etc. 2. He is taking off and not telling you where he is. It sounds like more than enough of lies and disrespect. With or without screwing someone else, I would be dropping the gauntlet.
turnera Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 But I disagree with the delivery of pretending he has a key. I'd suggest honesty and a direct approach. Nothing passive aggressive.Well, that was just for the sake of the cops, if he calls them. So she doesn't get hauled into court for it. Without a legal divorce paperwork going, she doesn't have the right to lock him out.
2sunny Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 If he insists on staying in the home - she can openly declare that IF he stays her primary intention will be to make him as miserable as possible.
turnera Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 I don't think she's ready to do that, which is why I suggested a stepped approach. I WISH she would just file and let him prove himself to get to keep her. But each at her own pace. And if he won't leave, I like to see a BS take a stab at having some fun with it, seek the misery with a sense of humor.
Author UCTD Posted August 4, 2012 Author Posted August 4, 2012 Yes, he is home, has been all day and night. What's my point in checking his phone record? I suppose I just need it in black and white, idk.
Author UCTD Posted August 4, 2012 Author Posted August 4, 2012 Does he have any history of alcohol or drug problems? yes. not surprising really, given his past lifestyle and mental health issues. most bipolars i know have abused one or the other in an effort to feel "right", myself included. there was a time when i was drinking way, way too much. i know he's not drinking now and i don't think he's doing any drugs b/c he doesn't have the $$. And, he's not behaving like he did when he had the problem in the past.
2sunny Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 yes. not surprising really, given his past lifestyle and mental health issues. most bipolars i know have abused one or the other in an effort to feel "right", myself included. there was a time when i was drinking way, way too much. i know he's not drinking now and i don't think he's doing any drugs b/c he doesn't have the $$. And, he's not behaving like he did when he had the problem in the past. I'd say he is acting with the behavior of a guy with drinking/substance abuse. Absent without accountability Angers easily Out until late hours without inviting you Secrecy Lies Cover up He may be seeing a gal - but he may ALSO be drinking and/or drugging too! Why are you continuing to stay with this guy who's offering you such a crappy life? 1
2sunny Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Yes, he is home, has been all day and night. What's my point in checking his phone record? I suppose I just need it in black and white, idk. And when you find the needed evidence? Then move your very loose boundary again? How much leeway are you planning to give him? How much self are you planning to sacrifice just to stay with this douche?
GLDheart Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 2Sunny makes a good point. The other woman may be "substance abuse". If you want to give him one more chance, you need to figure out your clear boundary. Then tell him in very clear terms "This is it. Any more, and I'm out." Then just have the back bone to follow through or you become the doormat. Stop feeling powerless. Take control.
merrmeade Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Yes, he is home, has been all day and night. What's my point in checking his phone record? I suppose I just need it in black and white, idk. Because it's proof. 3
freestyle Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Because it's proof. Agreed. After extended gaslighting, a person is doubting their own perceptions, and judgments (which is a horrible place to be psychologically---been there, done that) Proof IS important to someone who's been through extended gaslighting. It can help to restore his/her faith in his/her own perceptions. In an odd way, it can help the BS to heal. Knowing for sure what happened, is far better than being in the dark. 2
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