GLDheart Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 He "says" he does not love her, has not had sex with her, has no intention of doing so.... Ignore everything he says. Trust only what evidence you can gather. Do not show him the evidence until you have enough. Waywards are AMAZING at talking thier way out of it. 2
2sure Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 You must be so frustrated. Nothing to say to help that. Stay calm. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Wednesday go to radio shack, buy a 20 dollar voice activated recorder and put it in his car or office. That'll tell you everything you're wanting to know...maybe that he is not interested in this woman at all. Either way, his behavior is a problem. 1
Author UCTD Posted August 1, 2012 Author Posted August 1, 2012 You must be so frustrated. Nothing to say to help that. Stay calm. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Wednesday go to radio shack, buy a 20 dollar voice activated recorder and put it in his car or office. That'll tell you everything you're wanting to know...maybe that he is not interested in this woman at all. Either way, his behavior is a problem. his behavior is a HUGE problem.... especially when he doesn't respond to my texts. right now, i am furious.
Furious Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 (edited) his behavior is a HUGE problem.... especially when he doesn't respond to my texts. right now, i am furious. Hi UCTD I can relate to being furious as you can see by my name here at LS. Sorry for the awful pain you're going through, but it's good you are mad as hell but also keeping your cool. You have enough evidence to know your husband has been cheating on you, but how much evidence do you really need to make his cheating a deal breaker. I can understand you can't shut off the love you have for him and that you want to save your marriage, but if there are no real consequences for his betrayal you will be giving him cheap forgiveness. What do you think you will do when you confront him, what scenarios are you playing out in your head, have you thought about how you wish to handle your D-day depending on how he reacts to the evidence you will give him. Thinking ahead will help you prepare, will help you do what's best for you. Edited August 1, 2012 by Furious
2sunny Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 His anger - when here's nothing to be angry about - people don't get angry. My exH used to get angry so it wold take the focus off what bad behavior he was doing. Google deflecting. He's guilty - and mad you're noticing what a douche he is. He lef tonight and gave you no way of trusting what he had scheduled for tonight. That's not loving or kind behavior. Given the circumstances - I'm with the poster that said pack a bag and leave it by the front door after changing the locks. See an attorney about how he can buy you out of the business and divorce him. A H who is cheating after only 4 months of marriage doesn't seem like the kind of MAN who can be good to you and honor you for the next 40 or 50 years! Ya know what I'm mean? YOU need to look out for YOU - because he's not going to! If that gal is also married - call and tell her husband - he also has a right to know what kind of trash he's married to... 2
angie2443 Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 Is it possible to ever go back to the way things were "before"? THAT is what i want... I want the man i met and fell in love with, the one who kissed me for no reason, the one who said i love you many times every day, the one who said he felt incomplete when he wasn't with me... what happened?? Was this lying sneak always in there, hidden?? I want to confront him. I want to call him out on it all. What's holding me back? He has what his doc calls "rage disorder".... his anger is often way out of proportion to the event.... Could you give more examples of his "rage disorder"? Does this rage come out anywhere, like at his work, in public or with his friends, or just it just come out around certain people? He sounds like an abusive, manipulative person. He lies to you, belittles your feelings and opinions, and you say you have become "isolated" and the only friends you have are his. This sounds like an unhealthy situation, even if the affair didn't exist. One thing, it is very possible that he was always a lying sneak. Lying sneaks are often very good at hiding this undesirable part of their personality when they are starting to date someone. Their nasty parts often don't to surface untill they have an emotional hook in their partner. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 his behavior is a HUGE problem.... especially when he doesn't respond to my texts. right now, i am furious. Hi UCTD I can relate to being furious as you can see by my name here at LS. . I can see the advertising slogan now.... Cheating: it makes people Furious. I'm sorry you are going through this. I know what it is like to wait at home and have them not respond to texts etc. And just feeling sick to your stomach mixed with guilt because what "if" they are telling the truth or something happened to them. I'm sorry.
2sunny Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 Even that he leaves that doubt about what he's doing isn't right. You were sleeping. Anyone can leave a note or voice message explaining exactly where thy are going/who they are meeting/ and for what reason - but he didn't! He had an agenda to go somewhere - while she was sleeping. He's causing his behavior to be suspicious.
BetrayedH Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 You're getting a lot of decent advice here. I'm sorry for what you're going thru. Many, many of us have been there. For me, my wife making me think I was crazy was one of the most damaging things. The "not knowing" broke me. I found out a lot more than most but I can tell you that there are many things I still want to know the truth about. And this is 15 months after my dday amd well into divorce proceedings. There are things I will just never know. They are LIARS and will only ever tell you what you already know. Get a voice activated recorder for his car. Put it under the steering column. Buy a GPS device. I went to a U Spy store. Paid $200. Sounded crazy and expensive at the time. Caught her at a hotel the first time I used it. Then I hired a PI. I didn't have the money. Find it anyway. Search his car for a prepaid cell phone. And stop asking him about stuff until you have proof. It just drives them further underground and you may never find out the truth. Do it for your own mental health. At this point I'm just hoping you made it thru the night. 3
Author UCTD Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 thank you all, so much..... for the support and validating my feelings.... yeah, i made it thru that night. by the time he got home i was beyond furious, whatever that's called. i told him i was done trying to "prove" anything to him bc i haven't done anything wrong. he can trust me or not (i can't remember if i've addressed this lovely convoluted turn around here or not), but i'm done trying to prove anything. i've proven it over and over thru the past 2 years. i haven't changed. Oh, so, he said he didn't tell me what was going on bc he knew i wouldn't approve.... (damn straight) He says he went and picked up her boyfriend and told him that despite what she says, they were never intimately involved, she's playing some sick game, but he's done with her. Boyfriend supposedly said he knows she plays games, he believes my H, he's sick of the games and the never knowing the truth, too, and he's pretty much done with her, too. Then they went and picked her up. And supposedly, my H told her the games are over, face the truth, there never was a "we" and never will be. What her reaction was, of course, he leaves out.... then they went and met his ex-boss, so the two of them could talk things thru. (H quit working for him very abruptly and quit taking his calls bc boss put H in a very dangerous situation, without H knowing it, which almost resulted in ME being arrested.... omg, this sounds like a bad made-for-tv movie) really??? what's there to talk thru? but, apparently, they talked for 4 hours. again, really??? hmmmm..... i actually just sort of "accepted" it all, with appropriate uh-huhs and i-sees.... and all the unanswered calls and texts? oh, honey, i'm so sorry, i left my phone in the truck. REALLY???? at home, it's like it's surgically implanted in his hand. so, last night was another one. how much can i put in one reply?? lol from about 5 pm to 8 pm, he was just so exhausted he could barely stay awake. then he got a phone call "from Chris", someone he has met twice under strange circumstances, who asked if he wanted to come hang. well, all of a sudden, he's got enough energy to go shower and go out, to hang with Chris. he left home about 10 pm, telling me he would try to remember to check in with me from time to time. he called at 11:53 pm and said he would be wrapping it up shortly and headed this way (home). he got home after 6 am, this morning. i listened to a story about how Chris didn't want to hang at his house, so they went to Waffle House and were met by some other guy, and they sat and talked about bikes.... and then he's recounting something ex-boss said.... and referring to "frick and frack" meaning the skank ho and her "bf"... again, lots of oh-i-sees, etc..... i left about 8:30 to go to work and he was leaving right after me to go to the bike shop and paint a bike.... we texted a couple times around lunch. around 2, he stopped responding to texts and his phone goes straight to voice mail. he's not at the shop. it's 6:42, i don't know where he is, what he's doing or when he thinks he might just make it back home. FURIOUS, again. and i know if i say anything, he'll say, oh baby, my phone died.... omg, i'm so mad, i want to scratch his eyes out. no, i haven't bought the tape recorder, haven't had the $. and i'm so sad i want to curl up in a ball and cry.
durentu Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 It's too far beyond warnings. If you don't leave, you will be violating yourself, your judgment, your thoughts, your own sense of justice. You are the only one who can protect yourself and if you forfeit that duty to yourself, you will be a slave to his BS. If you stay, that means that you will put up with all sorts of problems and lies in the future. What's to prevent him from taking college money for high class hookers or courtesans? The consequences are hard, and it wont be easy, but it must be done. The road needs to be torn up and rebuilt, otherwise, you're inviting thousands of future accidents. Trust me, you have to leave, and he'll make it really hard for you to leave. Promises, pleads, tears, begging, sweet talking, the whole works. You must go passed all that and leave. Most girls I give this advice to gets suckered back in with the "he still loves me" and "he promises with all his heart" etc. The track record of that is near 0% success. 1
merrmeade Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Get into his cell phone account online if you can. If you have access to his email, it's easier. Do you need help with how to do any of that? When you get into the cell phone acct online, make it show all the calls for the current period on one page. Click on the heading for the phone numbers so they are ordered chronologically. You'll be able to isolate specific numbers that way, how many there are and how long the conversations were. In the email account, do searches in the email search box. Search her name or other names. The search can also help you get into the online cell phone account. When he comes home, try to get the cell phone and take it to the bathroom with you. Check the deleted messages. Call voicemail and listen. Check the deleted voicemail messages. Do you need help with any of that? On his FB account, check the private messages. Most important is the cell phone for evidence. Good idea to gather your hard proof. You can also tell him that she has told you (something). It's a ruse but it will confuse him and will scare him into confessing something - as much as he thinks you actually know. So if you can make it sound like you know everything and be believable, it can work. 2
Author UCTD Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Could you give more examples of his "rage disorder"? Does this rage come out anywhere, like at his work, in public or with his friends, or just it just come out around certain people? He sounds like an abusive, manipulative person. He lies to you, belittles your feelings and opinions, and you say you have become "isolated" and the only friends you have are his. This sounds like an unhealthy situation, even if the affair didn't exist. One thing, it is very possible that he was always a lying sneak. Lying sneaks are often very good at hiding this undesirable part of their personality when they are starting to date someone. Their nasty parts often don't to surface untill they have an emotional hook in their partner. I realized I forgot to address this... He is bipolar, with PTSD and "rage disorder".... the bipolar runs in his family, the PTSD comes from military service.... his psychiatrist thinks the rage stems from the PTSD, when he overreacts to prevent being hurt. I have seen it directed at other people maybe twice in 2 years. It was directed at me once. Yeah, it was scary. Very scary. He didn't touch me; he yelled and cussed and stomped out... and drove off for several hours. He came home contrite and yet sullen. When he is compliant with his meds, the rage is very well controlled. When he decides he doesn't want to take his meds, very common in bipolar disorder, he just doesn't..... and all kinds of things get out of control. I knew about all this, going in. He was straight up with me on our 2nd or 3rd date. I read everything i could get my hands on about living with a bipolar partner.... and realized that i, too, am bipolar. I went to a mental health clinic and went thru the whole diagnostic procedure, and sure enough.... I think I am more forgiving of his bipolar induced crap bc I'm bipolar, too. However, i do not let him use it as a crutch. I KNOW what BP really looks like, and what's an excuse. I don't use mine as a crutch or excuse and i don't let him get away with it either. yeah, sigh.... it just makes things way more complicated.
Author UCTD Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Get into his cell phone account online if you can. If you have access to his email, it's easier. Do you need help with how to do any of that? When you get into the cell phone acct online, make it show all the calls for the current period on one page. Click on the heading for the phone numbers so they are ordered chronologically. You'll be able to isolate specific numbers that way, how many there are and how long the conversations were. In the email account, do searches in the email search box. Search her name or other names. The search can also help you get into the online cell phone account. When he comes home, try to get the cell phone and take it to the bathroom with you. Check the deleted messages. Call voicemail and listen. Check the deleted voicemail messages. Do you need help with any of that? On his FB account, check the private messages. Most important is the cell phone for evidence. Good idea to gather your hard proof. You can also tell him that she has told you (something). It's a ruse but it will confuse him and will scare him into confessing something - as much as he thinks you actually know. So if you can make it sound like you know everything and be believable, it can work. oh, i'm in his fb, emails (2 of the 3 i know about), and would absolutely love to check his phone. hard to do when he keeps it in his pocket all the time and sleeps with it either under his pillow or under his body. that's not suspicious at all, is it???? i'm going to try to get into his phone account. he's not that imaginative when it comes to passwords.
whichwayisup Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 he called at 11:53 pm and said he would be wrapping it up shortly and headed this way (home). he got home after 6 am, this morning. i listened to a story about how Chris didn't want to hang at his house, so they went to Waffle House and were met by some other guy, and they sat and talked about bikes.... and then he's recounting something ex-boss said.... and referring to "frick and frack" meaning the skank ho and her "bf" Totally unacceptable behaviour. He isn't doing anything to make you trust him, or have faith in him. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. Seriously, kick him out. Or if you're too scared of his reaction, you gather up some things and leave the house, go stay with your family or a good friend. How he is acting, coming and going as he pleases, ignoring you, giving you SUCH bulls.hit lies, boy he's good at that, it's time for you to say enough and put a plan into action. He's an ass.
sad puppy Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 You are still so young, there is so much happiness that waits for you ahead. Dump this lying, drinking, cheating idiot of a husband. Are you kidding me? He's a total immature loser. You do not deserve any of this. He sounds like a punk. Seriously, consult an attorney, the consultation often is free. Drop this dead weight from your life and move on. You don't deserve this garbage but more importantly, he doesn't deserve you. Make a plan to dissolve the short marriage to a jerk. 1
Author UCTD Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 i know what your responses will be, but just thought i'd update y'all.... he finally made contact tonight, about an hour and a half ago.... i called it! he said his phone was messed up.... he'd call me when he found a tmobile store. FOUND?? but, where are you? "painting 4wheelers".... um, that's what have you been doing... the question was where are you. No, i didn't say that. but i thought it. ok, so..... 90 minutes and no phone call. hmmmmm. we don't live in a remote area where there are no tmobile stores.
2sunny Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Honey - no more rope is needed. He's cheating = it's over. Time to inform him that it's over. State it as fact and tell him. In fact, inform him not to bother coming home - it's over mainly because you're tired of listening to his constant lies. The minute you had to WONDER what his truth was - is when the marriage died. He killed it with lies and suspicion. No relationship can survive those kinds of lies and be a healthy marriage. Saying nothing is absolutely wrong... State YOUR TRUTH! After his nights out - I'd calmly tell him his lies are not believable. I'd also tell him that your life doesn't match up with his priorities. Since he's got priorities that leave you out of his life and make him lie to you - its now time to have him leave. When he tries to make you believe those further lies - simply tell him he's wasting time and energy because he's broken so much trust that it's not worth listening any longer. No reason for any argument - and if you stand firm and be strong - he will get a clear message you mean business!
merrmeade Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 (edited) It's really weird to read someone else's nightmare and realize what a complete AH that person's spouse is - what an obvious manipulative, entitled SOB - and how the BW is so stunned and stuck, she can't see the rank injustice of it. Well, honey, this is what all these people have been saying to me for weeks now. My situation is pretty bad, too, and I'm still here. But when I look at yours and the way your H is taking advantage of your trust and making up such fantastic, unreal stories, it seems so obvious. I want to say I don't understand why you're still reacting to his obvious lies, but I so do understand. You think that once you do that it's so huge and so irrevocable. How can you come back from that? Well, I think these people are right. It's as much about giving him a message as anything. When he's flaunting his outrageous indifference to your feelings by leaving for hours day after day and making up these crazy stories, you don't need any more proof than that! It's time to call him on it. I just might join you.. Edited August 3, 2012 by merrmeade 3
BetrayedH Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 So what's your plan? You have been "furious" more times thans I can count and you've only been on here a few days. That doesn't seem to be working. I'm not trying to be unkind. It seems obvious that you either need to find the money to get some evidence (borrow it from ANYONE for your sanity), or to leave (his late night absences and bull**** excuses are plenty reason), or confront him (which is likely a waste of time and tips your hand). By the way, calling the girl crazy is actually setting it up so you won't believe her if she ever tells you the truth. 3
angie2443 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I knew about all this, going in. He was straight up with me on our 2nd or 3rd date. I read everything i could get my hands on about living with a bipolar partner.... and realized that i, too, am bipolar. I went to a mental health clinic and went thru the whole diagnostic procedure, and sure enough.... I think I am more forgiving of his bipolar induced crap bc I'm bipolar, too. However, i do not let him use it as a crutch. I KNOW what BP really looks like, and what's an excuse. I don't use mine as a crutch or excuse and i don't let him get away with it either. . There's no shame in bieng bipolar. What I wonder is, do you treat him with the same disrespect and nastiness that he treats you? It doesn't sound like you do. I understand there some things that can't be controlled with bipolar without medication. It sounds like he's just using this as an excuse to cheat and disregard your feelings, though. He chooses to lie, he chooses to threaten and doesn't own up to any of it (as far as I can tell). By the way, he may not have hit you, yet. There's always a first, though. Even if he never hits, the constant abuse he throws at you is damaging to your brain. There is scientific evidence for this. Living with him is harming you in more ways than one.
merrmeade Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Hey, UCTD, let us know you're okay, please. The last poster had a point. These are VERY intense feelings that are getting stirred up with everybody in your situation right now - like the most volatile you'll ever be in - you need to have a real-time person to talk to and to check in on you.
Author UCTD Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 There's no shame in bieng bipolar. What I wonder is, do you treat him with the same disrespect and nastiness that he treats you? It doesn't sound like you do. I understand there some things that can't be controlled with bipolar without medication. It sounds like he's just using this as an excuse to cheat and disregard your feelings, though. He chooses to lie, he chooses to threaten and doesn't own up to any of it (as far as I can tell). By the way, he may not have hit you, yet. There's always a first, though. Even if he never hits, the constant abuse he throws at you is damaging to your brain. There is scientific evidence for this. Living with him is harming you in more ways than one. yes, i know all about emotional, psychological abuse.... my first husband taught me well. he destroyed me, or so i thought. but, lesson learned. i see what this one is doing to me. and i'm not going to let it go. right now, i'm trying to decide exactly what action to take, and what my bottom line is. Hey, UCTD, let us know you're okay, please. The last poster had a point. These are VERY intense feelings that are getting stirred up with everybody in your situation right now - like the most volatile you'll ever be in - you need to have a real-time person to talk to and to check in on you. i'm okay. like i said ^, i'm deciding exactly what to do.... and what my bottom line is. he has no clue anything is up, so he's relaxed and about to be blind-sided. i wish i did have someone IRL to talk to.... but i don't. i'm in this alone.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Hey, you don't HAVE to decide everything all at once but it would ge a good idea to back off or take a break from him and marital issues for a bit. Go somewhere for a week or something. Stay with a friend if you can, gather you thoughts if you can.
Recommended Posts