UCTD Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 I am brand new here, and I'm here b/c I have NO ONE I can talk to in confidence about my situation, IRL. I have let myself become so isolated that my only friends are "our" friends, and I know their loyalty lies with him. How do I know? I've said some things to a couple of them that have come back to bite me in the butt b/c they went straight to him. He and I have been together for just over 2 years now, married for about 4 months after living together for a year and a half. It's a second marriage for both of us after long, difficult first marriages. I know he is talking to, emailing with and texting a woman that stayed with us for a few weeks b/c she lost her house and had "no where else to go." I knew she was trouble from the instant I met her. And I told him so, repeatedly, but he was oblivious to her true nature. He was absolutely blind to her manipulations and deceptions, while I stood by watching her flirt with him, come on to him, play the helpless little girl, lie to him, and move further into our lives. Any time I pointed something out to him, it was dismissed as "you don't know her as well as i do. It's not like it seems." It was exactly as it seemed.... while telling me that she thought of him as her big brother, she was wrapping him tighter and tighter around her little finger. She also filled his head with so much baloney about me that he no longer really trusts me. She told him I was downloading his emails, somehow reading his texts in real time, manipulating his emails and texts.... "she's all in your s**t" to be exact. Sure, I was suspicious. Who wouldn't be if their spouse kept their laptop and emails and phone under password protection all the time? And slept with their phone under them or in their pocket?? I finally succumbed to the suspicion and got into his texts and read them... she had told him she loved him, she was sending him songs, she was begging for more alone time with him, she called me lovely names and wondered why i had to be all up in his business all the time.... His responses were things like "yeah, i know" or "i understand" but no outright declarations of love, etc, like hers. Finally, about 10 days ago, i insisted that she be gone. Immediately. Essentially, I told him it was her or me. He took her somewhere and came home alone. He SAID she wouldn't tell him where she wanted to go so he dropped her off at a Walmart and drove away. the next day, I had our phone numbers changed. And, yes, when I could I checked his phone. Nothing to or from her. Then something made me check his email, and sure enough, she was contacting him thru his facebook account. This morning, i checked his phone and i found out they spoke last night, and texted. This afternoon, i asked him if he'd heard from her and he lied. Straight up, in my face, lied. If I call him on the lies, he'll know i've snooped. And that will become the issue, not his lies. Clearly, she has not given up on him, and he hasn't told her there's no chance. So, what now? Give him enough rope to hang himself? And then what?
Silly_Girl Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 He's choosing to pursue a relationship with her. Don't think it's all her and he's 'allowing' it. He's doing it. You can definitely tell him you know he's lying, I think they'll find other ways to communicate though. In your shoes I would want to hear from him as to why the contact and what his long term plans are. Is there any hint of him leaving to be with her? Do you think you could work through this if he were to confess and show remorse? Not everyone wants to take that option, there's no guarantee of a happy ending.
Furious Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Gather the truth and make copies. A cheating spouse's first instinct is to deny,deny,deny. Whether you choose to divorce him or choose to reconcile, if you believe he is truly remorseful, is up to you. You deserve the truth and deserve to decide what you want and need based on the truth. Keep strong and take care of yourself. 1
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 He and I have been together for just over 2 years now, married for about 4 months after living together for a year and a half. After only being married for such a short time, kick him out of the house. He is going to pursue her back your back (he IS doing that) because he wants to. He doesn't care right now, he isn't the man you married..He's turned into a selfish monster who LOVES the attention of this other woman. She makes him feel good and her to, his shi.t doesn't stink. It's called the Fog. They're both in it and enjoying the fantasy life of where things are perfect.. You don't have to divorce him but make him think that you are leading towards that decision. You told him "her or me" and he chose to keep the A going, to keep her around. He may not be in love with her, maybe he is, but I'll tell ya, he's addicted to how she makes him feel. He isn't thinking about what he could lose, he's only thinking of himself. As long as he's having the A and she's around, he can't stay with you in the house. Tell him to pack a bag and GO to her. Call her and tell her, "He's all yours. Enjoy doing his laundry, especially when handling his skid stained underwear!" :laugh: OK, by doing this, you are showing him that you won't put up with his lying and his behaviour. It'll either wake him up pretty damn fast or it'll take a bit for him to figure out he can't have it both ways. BE tough, don't cave. He might put on the tears, act desparate.. Still tell him to GO. 2
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Until he is genuinally remorseful and ready to work with you, try to regain your trust and faith again, get him out of the house.. it's pointless to try to fix things right now. He isn't worthy of a chance because he is STILL lying to you and doing as he pleases. People only change their ways when they are forced to.. Chances are, that fantasy bubble will pop sooner rather than later. sorry you're hurting.
BetrayedH Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Give him the rope. It's hard for you to see forward in time but having been there, I can tell you that wanting (needing) real information is critical for a betrayed spouse. You have a unique opportunity to see exactly what his character is made of. STOP confronting him. Act stupid. Gather information. Find out the truth. Check everything. My $.02. Or spend your life being a half step behind. It's bull**** and you know it. 3
GLDheart Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 I'm voting for the rope as well. You have this unique oppurtunity to see the side of him he is hiding. A small digital Voice Recorder in his car will reveal things. The record of it will prove VERY valuable to you to hold him accountable and preserve your own sanity. 3
threebyfate Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Go see a divorce lawyer and ask him/her what they would recommend. Reluctant to give you any further advice since there can be some substantial legal differences. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Give him the rope. Warn him of the consequences, then see what he does with it. 1
eeyore1981 Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 I'm going to be blunt, take it or leave it. You've been together two years, married four months, and he's already cheating on you... Girl, I was married over 20 years and had three children with the man when he cheated on me. I worked very hard on reconciliaton, but a big part of it was because I felt trapped by our circumstances. I can't count how many times I drove down a dirt road at night by myself screaming because I was stuck, and all I wanted was to leave and never look back. If you need proof positive he's having sex with her or has feelings for her, by all means, do all the crazy stalking cr*p involved to find out for sure. (and I can call it that, having done it myself). But once your fears are realized, don't argue with him, don't even discuss it, just show him the damn door. He can't lie to you, gaslight you, minimize what happened or make you think you're a raving lunatic if you don't give him the chance. You've given him two years, and look how much he's appreciated it, why waste another minute on him? 6
Emme Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 You have to ask yourself if you still want to be married. Do you want to try and make this work. If you do then don't play games. Don't carry this out further just to see what else you can sift through. Let him know you snooped. Let him know this is the level he's made you drop to because he does not respect you as his wife. Let him know that you know. I don't know how you guys met but this might be a habit. Be prepared to walk away. Don't let him make the choice you have to. Let him know you have zero tolerance for his sh*t.
Radu Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 No rope ... get out now. Do you realise that everything you wrote about this guy is a huge red flag ? The controlling behaviour, lack of friends, spying, projecting, lack of boundaries ... get the hell away from this egotistical nutcase. Do NOT start a family with him. Get an anullment while you still can. 1
nofool4u Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Don't call him out just yet. Give him more rope to hang himself with, then kick the chair out from under him.
turnera Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Why would you stay with someone who is doing this to you? There are billions of men in the world who won't cheat in the first months of marriage. Kick him out. 1
Author UCTD Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 Is it possible to ever go back to the way things were "before"? THAT is what i want... I want the man i met and fell in love with, the one who kissed me for no reason, the one who said i love you many times every day, the one who said he felt incomplete when he wasn't with me... what happened?? Was this lying sneak always in there, hidden?? I want to confront him. I want to call him out on it all. What's holding me back? He has what his doc calls "rage disorder".... his anger is often way out of proportion to the event....
whichwayisup Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Is it possible to ever go back to the way things were "before"? THAT is what i want... I want the man i met and fell in love with, the one who kissed me for no reason, the one who said i love you many times every day, the one who said he felt incomplete when he wasn't with me... what happened?? Was this lying sneak always in there, hidden?? I want to confront him. I want to call him out on it all. What's holding me back? He has what his doc calls "rage disorder".... his anger is often way out of proportion to the event.... No. Things will never be the same. That trust that you once had, respect and even love won't be the same. one day you could get it all back, it'll be different and maybe even better than before on some level but it takes a lot of work and desire for BOTH of you to work hard and make it good again. SOme day it can take up to four years or more to fully recover from an affair. He isn't the man you married. Not now. He's selfish and putting himself first. As for his anger, he needs to work on that. Hello, he is the one who cheated, not you! HE shouldn't be angry at you for confronting him about HIS cheating! If he freaks out and gets so angry, then kick him out. Or maybe ask a friend or a brother (if you have one) to come over and be somewhere in the house, or be on call close by just in case.. Or as a last result call 911 if you feel threatened by him. 1
whichwayisup Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 You could change the locks when he's out. Get friends or some family to stay with you. Put a note on the door with all the 'evidence' that you have printed out. On a suitcase, a note can say, "I know everything. Go be with your girlfriend since you love her. I'm done with you." Just something to think about..Read my earlier response to you on page 1. 1
Star Gazer Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 I'm a BIG fan of calling people out on their lies. So, I'd make sure he realized I knew what he was doing, then I'd watch him squirm as he denied it (because liars always squirm and deny), and then I'd kick his arse to the curb and cover him with the blanket of evidence I'd compiled.
Author UCTD Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 You could change the locks when he's out. Get friends or some family to stay with you. Put a note on the door with all the 'evidence' that you have printed out. On a suitcase, a note can say, "I know everything. Go be with your girlfriend since you love her. I'm done with you." Just something to think about..Read my earlier response to you on page 1. I re-read what you had responded earlier.... And I do appreciate everyone's responses. I am so hurt and so sad by this turn of events.... i never thought he would do this. Sounds so cliche, i know. I feel absolutely off balance. Like my center has shifted and I don't know how to compensate. I'm not a naive woman. I'm on unfamiliar and unexpected territory and just feel so lost. Do I want to work on the marriage, to save it? yes. absolutely. Do I trust him? no, not now.... I'm trying to make smart decisions, not emotional ones that i may regret later. HA! So, here I sit, hurting. Licking my wounds. Telling him, oh no, i'm fine, nothing's wrong.....
BetrayedH Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 I re-read what you had responded earlier.... And I do appreciate everyone's responses. I am so hurt and so sad by this turn of events.... i never thought he would do this. Sounds so cliche, i know. I feel absolutely off balance. Like my center has shifted and I don't know how to compensate. I'm not a naive woman. I'm on unfamiliar and unexpected territory and just feel so lost. Do I want to work on the marriage, to save it? yes. absolutely. Do I trust him? no, not now.... I'm trying to make smart decisions, not emotional ones that i may regret later. HA! So, here I sit, hurting. Licking my wounds. Telling him, oh no, i'm fine, nothing's wrong..... So you're giving him rope. What are you doing to monitor him? You can get a lot of suggestions here.
GLDheart Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 I feel absolutely off balance. Like my center has shifted and I don't know how to compensate.. Yes. Before this event, it was the two of you against the world. Now, the hard truth is that he has put you on your own. 1
Author UCTD Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 So you're giving him rope. What are you doing to monitor him? You can get a lot of suggestions here. Right now, I'm monitoring his emails, his facebook account, his web history, and checking his texts (when I can, which isn't often). I'm also monitoring the mileage on his vehicle. And confirming, very carefully, that he actually is or has been where he says. I'm not outright asking his buddies if he was there, but they all converse with me very easily and i can always work something in that will tell me what i need to know. I'm also monitoring her email, facebook and web history (from another IP address). Any ideas would be really appreciated. I'm smart, but right now, I'm hurting, so I'm probably not as smart as I should be.
scatterd Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 I would keep all the evidence you find on him then go to the attorney to see what your options are. Do not allow him to step all over you. Your young enough and have no children with him, thank god. He has shown you what he is capable of he should have told her he is happily married and to go away. Building back trust is hard but can be done it takes lots of work and counseling. I did not hide I seen the attorney, let him know this is not OK with you. Big hugs
2sure Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 There are many BS here who have stayed with the marriage, reconciled, and gone onto being happily married again. So yes, of course it's possible! But right now...gather your thoughts and your strength, take a breath, and get then think about realistically...what you want, who you married, and what it is possible for you to do. I'll tell you something. All the proof in the world will not tell you why he cheated, why he lied, or even make him own it. Still, all of those questions must be asked and answered. With proof or without. So, you don't have to have proof to confront him. You are getting the proof so that you know to what extent he has betrayed you. Have they had sex, did they meet on your birthday, are they in love. You mention that you finally put your foot down and he made her leave. Thats a big step. What's the next step? I would tell him : I feel completely betrayed and disrespected. How are you going to fix this? And I would tell her: Stay out of my life. That's what I would do next. Do you have children? 1
Author UCTD Posted August 1, 2012 Author Posted August 1, 2012 There are many BS here who have stayed with the marriage, reconciled, and gone onto being happily married again. So yes, of course it's possible! But right now...gather your thoughts and your strength, take a breath, and get then think about realistically...what you want, who you married, and what it is possible for you to do. I'll tell you something. All the proof in the world will not tell you why he cheated, why he lied, or even make him own it. Still, all of those questions must be asked and answered. With proof or without. So, you don't have to have proof to confront him. You are getting the proof so that you know to what extent he has betrayed you. Have they had sex, did they meet on your birthday, are they in love. You mention that you finally put your foot down and he made her leave. Thats a big step. What's the next step? I would tell him : I feel completely betrayed and disrespected. How are you going to fix this? And I would tell her: Stay out of my life. That's what I would do next. Do you have children? We do not have children together. Maybe more complicated, tho, we own a business together... He "says" he does not love her, has not had sex with her, has no intention of doing so.... when i asked him why the continued communication, he said she was a useful link to some people we need for business purposes. I say, make the contact, dump her ass. (shrug) Right now.... i don't know where he is, who he's with, what he's doing... it's after 9 pm, he's been gone since about 6 pm. He left while i was sleeping. I'm a bit depressed, big surprise there, and had laid down for a bit. When i got up, he was gone. When i texted and told him to call me, he said he was meeting someone for business.... no details. Said he'd be home at a decent hour. really? when i pushed, all he said was "babe, please trust me on this one." i texted him about 10 minutes ago and said "time to touch base plz".... no response yet. sigh
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