Expectations on a first date with someone who says "no sex until 6+ date" (on OKC)?

July 29, 2012

I take it you've had poor experiences with men who aggressively sought sex early on, gotten it from you, and then peaced out. Good on you for learning from those experiences and adjusting your people picker accordingly. Passive aggressively hurling comments towards others who aren't in your dating reality...well...enjoy.

No. I didn't need to 'go there' with those guys to learn they were selfish jerks (thanks mom and dad!!)

Their selfishness/rudeness continued to be demonstrated in other ways... after I tried to give them chance.

This has been the experience of many experienced women here. It is why alot of us now ditch guys who do this ASAP.

Probably also the single biggest reason I don't do OLD anymore. Too many guys fishing for an easy lay there. Not worth my time.

Ninjainpajamas has a legendary post on one of my other threads... about guys who don't want to push two peas together in their brain to learn how to build sexual tension or really romance a woman. That guys just want women to become essentially easier and sluttier so you guys don't have to do diddly-squat.

Edited July 29, 2012 by RedRobin

July 29, 2012

I'm a very sensual person... I take great pleasure in even a hug from a man I'm attracted to... and to feel his touch. I'd like the time to savor that before moving onto the next step. Same goes for the first kiss... and the next.

Here's a question... do you guys eat a lot of fast food? Do you tend to shovel whatever is on your plate into your mouth as fast as possible?

Or, do you savor each mouthful... lingering a bit to ponder the taste and feel of it. I like to think sex and intimacy are the same. I'm not into fast food or fast sex for the same reason.

I'm a fan of slow cooking, but I'm also a big taster in the kitchen

And, a kiss isn't sex!

Edited July 29, 2012 by xxoo

July 29, 2012

Kiss whenever the time feels right OP. If the moment is there on the 1st date or the 3rd date, just go with the flow.

This goes for sex too.

Ill admit it possible for me to get caught up in the moment during a first date and possibly have sex with a girl I REALLY connect with, but its a only small possibility. A kiss would definitely happen though.

July 29, 2012

I have it listed as no sex until the 6th date or later on OKC, but I'm a guy. Ideally, this would be much much later than the 6th date but that's just me. I don't see why this would impact other parts of romance though.

July 30, 2012

I'm the OP - I appreciate all of the wonderful advice and thoughts...it's a lot to think about. What I'm really curious about is if someone outright tells you no sex until date 6+ does that imply a desired, slower romantic pathway? Assume for the time being that I'll accept their 6+. As such, do yoy hold back on the first few dates, and create a connection a little slower, but through lots of random contact, hand bumps, touching hands, wrist, sharing food/drinks, etc. on the first date or two, or do you still try a kiss? If sex is off the table for 6+ dates, I'm curious about what that person expects oe wants on the first date, such that they are comfortable, feel appreciated, and still feel a romantic connection instead of friendzone. I've gone out with these type of people, and truthfully a kiss has seemed very awkward, but they were comfy with the casual, short term cobtact, as mentioned earlier.

Thoughts about expectations would be great - in particular if you're one of the 6+ people. Assume, for the time being, that she's not multidating.

July 30, 2012

I was just on that website, as I have a message from someone. To pass the time I was looking through that Q & A, and I skip most of those that have to do with sex, religion, or personal habits. Most of those just are looking for smutty humor answers anyway, that's not the measure of ourselves.

But to answer your questions about how much contact at first encounter :I a handshake and a possible hug good-bye.

July 30, 2012

Someone needs to hurry up and get porked already...

July 30, 2012

Note... I've prefaced my advice specifically for the OP's situation... which is OLD where you are usually meeting total strangers. Also note, I assumed in his example that there wasn't alot of conversation/emails/photos/skypes going on in advance... All of those other things help create the sense that one isn't meeting a complete stranger and some familiarity has been established...

OP... how much communication do you have before you meet someone?

For the 6+ dater, you may want to take more time before the first meeting to establish some familiarity... that way, when you do have the first date, it isn't completely blind.

To answer your question... yes, for people who know themselves and are honest, the 6+ for sex means they want to establish some knowledge of the other person in advance of sex... especially in OLD.... which is its own world, IMHO.

July 30, 2012

Ninjainpajamas has a legendary post on one of my other threads... about guys who don't want to push two peas together in their brain to learn how to build sexual tension or really romance a woman. That guys just want women to become essentially easier and sluttier so you guys don't have to do diddly-squat.

The biggest nonsense I have seen for a long time. If a man is that way inclined, he will simply change his game to 'romance' the woman and dump her after. It's by judging his character that you avoid this trap before you start dating him, most people are terrible liars.

July 30, 2012

Note... I've prefaced my advice specifically for the OP's situation... which is OLD where you are usually meeting total strangers. Also note, I assumed in his example that there wasn't alot of conversation/emails/photos/skypes going on in advance... All of those other things help create the sense that one isn't meeting a complete stranger and some familiarity has been established...

OP... how much communication do you have before you meet someone?

For the 6+ dater, you may want to take more time before the first meeting to establish some familiarity... that way, when you do have the first date, it isn't completely blind.

To answer your question... yes, for people who know themselves and are honest, the 6+ for sex means they want to establish some knowledge of the other person in advance of sex... especially in OLD.... which is its own world, IMHO.

RedRobin, I appreciate all of your advice. Anyhow, levels of communication prior to meeting vary depending on the person. I just went out on a first meeting with a 6+er this weekend - we went to a festival on Saturday, day. We had been in communication for way too long (weeks), but never met. To give you an idea of comfort level, we were going to meet at her house and walk to the festival - I grabbed breakfast en route, and within 30 seconds of meeting, we were in her apartment eating breakfast. My concern with this type of situation is that it seems way too friendly, and not terribly romantic...this person was actually the motivation/impetus for me posting. There was lots of random, occasional contact, including her grabbing my arm while walking down the street (although only for a few seconds), there was no hand holding, not even a hug. She's definitely one of the "wait until exclusive" kind of people, but I just don't know how far/fast I can push things without making her uncomfortable. I don't really care about the sex, but I do care about not transitioning into friendzone...so this may be more of a question of how to generate romantic intensity with someone like this, and what pace is appropriate. I can say that she's already contacted me a few times since we went out, but again - not sure if that's romance or platonic, and I don't think there are enough details in the short blurb above to really figure it out. I think my concern with these people is the normal romantic signals are slowed down (normal from my perspective - yours view of normal may be different), so I have a harder time interpreting the signals.

Truthfully, I haven't gone out with a ton of the 6+ers, but I think there's generally been more communication/calls/texts prior to meeting with that group. Some people I'll meet after just a handful of messages, as mentioned, the person I met this weekend - we had been corresponding for weeks.

July 30, 2012

The biggest nonsense I have seen for a long time. If a man is that way inclined, he will simply change his game to 'romance' the woman and dump her after. It's by judging his character that you avoid this trap before you start dating him, most people are terrible liars.

Of course... one has to evaluate one's character no matter what.

The point Ninja was making was alot of men's unwillingness to make any effort in dating.. and how lame they are expecting women to lower the bar on the need to establish trust/intimacy in advance of sex. IF they are looking for a relationship. If someone is not looking for a relationship... then fine.

...but you and I agree on not dating total strangers, Emilia. So we are both doing our 'homework' on the guys in advance of the date. The OP has a different situation.

July 30, 2012

RedRobin, I appreciate all of your advice. Anyhow, levels of communication prior to meeting vary depending on the person. I just went out on a first meeting with a 6+er this weekend - we went to a festival on Saturday, day. We had been in communication for way too long (weeks), but never met. To give you an idea of comfort level, we were going to meet at her house and walk to the festival - I grabbed breakfast en route, and within 30 seconds of meeting, we were in her apartment eating breakfast. My concern with this type of situation is that it seems way too friendly, and not terribly romantic...this person was actually the motivation/impetus for me posting. There was lots of random, occasional contact, including her grabbing my arm while walking down the street (although only for a few seconds), there was no hand holding, not even a hug. She's definitely one of the "wait until exclusive" kind of people, but I just don't know how far/fast I can push things without making her uncomfortable. I don't really care about the sex, but I do care about not transitioning into friendzone...so this may be more of a question of how to generate romantic intensity with someone like this, and what pace is appropriate. I can say that she's already contacted me a few times since we went out, but again - not sure if that's romance or platonic, and I don't think there are enough details in the short blurb above to really figure it out. I think my concern with these people is the normal romantic signals are slowed down (normal from my perspective - yours view of normal may be different), so I have a harder time interpreting the signals.

Truthfully, I haven't gone out with a ton of the 6+ers, but I think there's generally been more communication/calls/texts prior to meeting with that group. Some people I'll meet after just a handful of messages, as mentioned, the person I met this weekend - we had been corresponding for weeks.

Ok, based on what you told me, it sounds like she is interested in you romantically and is attracted to you... plus you've established things a bit through communication. Great!!

FYI... Women (like me) don't make an effort to touch men they aren't attracted to.

On your next date, make sure you sit next to her. Put your arm over the seat over her shoulder. Does she sit up abruptly or snuggle in and lean towards you? If she snuggles in, then put your arm around her.

When you are walking in and out of doorways... come up behind her gently...place your hand on the small of her back, pushing the door open in front of her and gently press as she moves forward (this is a dance move too, BTW). See how she responds to that. Does she turn her head around and smile at you? thank you graciously? or does she flinch and rush through the door?

If things are chatty and friendly and the conversation is flowing... then ya! go for the kiss!

July 30, 2012

Someone needs to hurry up and get porked already...

Gotta give the OP some credit for learning how to read a woman!!

(As for you.. Someone needs to learn how to do something other than get porked... See lowest common denominator...)

a. The most basic, least sophisticated level of taste, sensibility, or opinion among a group of people.

b. The group having such taste, sensibility, or opinion: "The press can resist the standard of the lowest common denominator, the rationalization that all news is fit to print that has appeared anywhere else" (Edward M. Kennedy).

Edited July 30, 2012 by RedRobin

July 30, 2012

And, a kiss isn't sex!

Every single relationship I have ever had began with a kiss on the first date and every single hug never advanced to the second date ..

There is either chemistry or not and IME that either leads to a kiss or the latter to a hug.

Obviously there are exceptions but I have always used the first date to sort out the chemistry issue and whether or not to go forward from there.

You have to have a measure to go by and the first date kiss is always a good one.

July 30, 2012

I hear you man - every relationship I've been in has had a first date kiss. That's why I'm wondering what to do with some of the people that have essentially suggested that they want to take things a bit slower. I'm not sure if the first date kiss expectation is still there, or if not, what's expected/sufficient to maintain romantic interest and progression. If it's not a kiss on the first date, at what point does it become acceptable - I'm thinking if not on the first date, you better get there on date 2...but if the first date wasn't much more than a hello/good bye, is ramping up to a kiss on date 2 moving too fast.

The 6+ers, who want a relationship, may want to establish friendship/trust kind of stuff before really moving on/into the relationship. I get what some people are saying in relationship to "if she's into you, she say ok", but I think, in particular as you grow at least a bit older, that statement begins to become less relevant, as the they try to screen out people who are actively seeking sex, versus those that want to genuinely get to know them. I can see how a kiss on the first date could fit into the get to know them mold, but I can also see how it may be more prudent to build up that trust-type thing, along with a bit of tension, so it can be more amazing...they may well want to have the wow moment, and tension/build up is a great way to do that.

I'm 33, and haven't really been on the dating scene since I was 26. There's a big difference between a 33 year old guy dating versus a 26 year old, and the online thing is still relatively new to me...so trying to get a lay of the land, see how things change as you age, while still respecting women, having fun, and not burn too many bridges - feedback has been great so far, and is a lot to think about.

July 30, 2012

"I've gone out with these type of people, and truthfully a kiss has seemed very awkward, but they were comfy with the casual, short term cobtact, as mentioned earlier."

July 30, 2012

"I've gone out with these type of people, and truthfully a kiss has seemed very awkward, but they were comfy with the casual, short term cobtact, as mentioned earlier".

misposted below

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Expectations on a first date with someone who says "no sex until 6+ date" (on OKC)?

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