Jump to content

Expectations on a first date with someone who says "no sex until 6+ date" (on OKC)?

Vintage79

By Vintage79
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Vintage79 Established Member

Vintage79

Posted
Posted

Ok - I've been online dating for a few months now (basically OKCupid), and I'm still stuck trying to figure things out. On OKCupid, they have a question that most people answer that is how many dates do you normally go on prior to having sex. Most women say 3-5, but some claim 6+. I'm wondering if a woman says no sex until no earlier than date 6, what should expectations be on date 1?

 

Obviously, unless she's lying, don't assume sex, but what about other forms of physical contact? Hug, kiss, handshake? If someone preferrably waits until date 6+, I'm guessing they have contact issues, don't like sex much, or really want to forge a friendship prior to romance. Basically, there are a few of these people that I've been in contact with and have met, and I never have any idea what to do on a first date (in terms of contact) - their 6+ claim, essentially says that they want to take things slow - so what can be done to elevate romantic feelings, without seeming aggressive/pushy...it's important so you don't get dropped down to immediate friendzone, but also so that you make sure that they feel comfortable and things are progressing down a romantic pathway.

 

I'm fine with slow, but the 6+ communicates, at least in my opinion, slower than normal - how should things get elevated throughout the first few dates - not necessarily to get sex ASAP, but just to ensure a healthy, romantic relationship is being built. I've explicitly asked about date, but expectations on date 2-3 are great as well.

 

Your thoughts would be great...

RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

Posted
Posted
Ok - I've been online dating for a few months now (basically OKCupid), and I'm still stuck trying to figure things out. On OKCupid, they have a question that most people answer that is how many dates do you normally go on prior to having sex. Most women say 3-5, but some claim 6+. I'm wondering if a woman says no sex until no earlier than date 6, what should expectations be on date 1?

 

First off... the first 'date' really isn't a date unless you've been chatting for awhile by phone, email, etc prior to meeting. Remember, this person is a complete, 100% stranger. Ask yourself what advice you'd give your sister or best female friend.

 

All it is is a 'meeting' to assess whether there is enough compatibility to warrant an actual date.

 

Obviously, unless she's lying, don't assume sex, but what about other forms of physical contact? Hug, kiss, handshake?

 

A handshake is too business-like. A hug, maybe a kiss on the cheek if you really like her. Other affection during the date is ok. Even recommended. Take some cues from her. Since I'm a 6+ date person myself, I will make efforts to show a man I'm interested in him romantically. Touching him when I talk, for instance.

 

You may want to get up and sit next to her at some point. All ok.

 

When I like a guy, I will do that. Make an effort to sit closer to him and create opportunities to touch him and him touch me.

 

If someone preferrably waits until date 6+, I'm guessing they have contact issues, don't like sex much, or really want to forge a friendship prior to romance.

 

Ugh...I hate these assumptions.

 

Maybe they just aren't into sex with strangers!!!

 

Basically, there are a few of these people that I've been in contact with and have met, and I never have any idea what to do on a first date (in terms of contact) - their 6+ claim, essentially says that they want to take things slow - so what can be done to elevate romantic feelings, without seeming aggressive/pushy...it's important so you don't get dropped down to immediate friendzone, but also so that you make sure that they feel comfortable and things are progressing down a romantic pathway.

 

Puleeze. Whatever you do... don't be having suggestive sexual talk on the first couple of dates. Talking about values, etc is ok. Asking her what she likes to sleep in and how cute her butt will look like in a thong.... IS NOT!

 

Also, I do NOT recommend any invitations to go to your house for a date prior to the 6+. Mature people know this is a request for sex. Let her suggest her place... or you could just say that you are open to her coming over to check your place out sometime and leave it at that.

 

I'm fine with slow, but the 6+ communicates, at least in my opinion, slower than normal

 

Incorrect. It means they probably aren't going to have sex unless they are in an exclusive relationship... and doesn't have a habit of sleeping with strangers.

 

The 3-5 date rule, to me, implies they are jumping into sex before they are 'exclusive'. Or they are prone to taking a complete stranger's word for it that they are exclusive. OR, even better... they actually do wait until 6+ but know that lots of guys get freaked out by the thought of that :rolleyes::rolleyes: and say 3-5 hoping to not appear promiscuous or a prude.

 

how should things get elevated throughout the first few dates - not necessarily to get sex ASAP, but just to ensure a healthy, romantic relationship is being built. I've explicitly asked about date, but expectations on date 2-3 are great as well.

 

 

Take your cues from her. Especially on or before date 3. Everyone knows the retarded 3 date rule... My guess is she is tired of that shyte and is giving the guys fair warning.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

Posted
Posted
I'm wondering if a woman says no sex until no earlier than date 6, what should expectations be on date 1?

 

On Date #1 all two people are doing is getting to know one another. Expectations are usually nil - it is pure chemical and chemistry at that point to see if there is a point or reason to Date #2.

 

Discussion, comfort levels, and some degree of personal intimacy is established (i.e., "Gee, my appetizers tastes great, do you want a bite?" will tell you if the person is willing to share food, which - in turn - tells you how they might be in sharing and being open to trying new things, etc...)

GLDheart Established Member

GLDheart

Posted
Posted

I would totally disregard the "6+" and just play it out like if you had never read her profile. Someone could easily answer that way just to appear non-promiscuous and be ready to knock boots date 1 if you guys hit it off.

 

Besides, the profile is just to get to date #1. You can pretty much ignore it after that.

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted

Kiss her, and leave her weak in the knees. Leave her thinking of you, and wanting more. A passionate kiss can communicate a lot about your attraction to her, and her attraction to you.

 

Use the time to build the sexual tension.

  • Like 1
TaurusTerp Established Member

TaurusTerp

Posted
Posted

Just treat them like normal. I've slept with girls on the first date that had that on their profile, and others were truly conservative and didn't want to go further than kissing.

RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

Posted
Posted (edited)
Kiss her, and leave her weak in the knees. Leave her thinking of you, and wanting more. A passionate kiss can communicate a lot about your attraction to her, and her attraction to you.

 

Use the time to build the sexual tension.

 

That would guarantee a guy doesn't get a second date with me.

 

No matter how physically attracted to him I might be.

 

All behavior like that communicates is that he is selfish and doesn't want to take the time to get to know me or build real intimacy. Especially when they said date 6+. It's no different than the guy who talks about sexual stuff right off the bat.

 

It's disrespectful and rude. Take her at her word, or just don't go on the date in the first place. Pushing for more ASAP without reading cues from her shows what an *ss the guy is.

 

... and people wonder why I get angry... look at all the posts above that basically say... ignore what she says. Just do whatever the hell you feel like doing and let her deal with it. All you are doing is guaranteeing she will probably have a negative experience and wonder... what the heck did I put on my profile to make this guy think I was up for that. But the rest of the guys are thinking 'oh, doesn't hurt to try'. WHATEVER.

 

Jerks... dime a dozen on OLD...

 

Edited: My new recommendation is not to go on the date with her. If waiting 6+ dates freaks you out that bad, and you can't be bothered to wait that long to get to know someone... she's probably better off not dealing with you.

Edited by RedRobin
  • Like 1
TaurusTerp Established Member

TaurusTerp

Posted
Posted
That would guarantee a guy doesn't get a second date with me.

 

No matter how physically attracted to him I might be.

 

All behavior like that communicates is that he is selfish and doesn't want to take the time to get to know me or build real intimacy. Especially when they said date 6+. It's no different than the guy who talks about sexual stuff right off the bat.

 

It's disrespectful and rude. Take her at her word, or just don't go on the date in the first place. Pushing for more ASAP without reading cues from her shows what an *ss the guy is.

 

... and people wonder why I get angry... look at all the posts above that basically say... ignore what she says. Just do whatever the hell you feel like doing and let her deal with it. All you are doing is guaranteeing she will probably have a negative experience and wonder... what the heck did I put on my profile to make this guy think I was up for that. But the rest of the guys are thinking 'oh, doesn't hurt to try'. WHATEVER.

 

Jerks... dime a dozen on OLD...

 

Edited: My new recommendation is not to go on the date with her. If waiting 6+ dates freaks you out that bad, and you can't be bothered to wait that long to get to know someone... she's probably better off not dealing with you.

 

Calm down, nobody is saying rape her. A guy leans in for a kiss, just like any other date. If the girl is interested in going further, she'll make it clear. If not, she'll make that clear too. What part of it is negative?

 

We're just giving advice based on experience. There is a huge difference between what women say on their profile and what they WANT or DO. You know this is true, stop getting heated and twisting words.

ThaWholigan Established Member

ThaWholigan

Posted
Posted
That would guarantee a guy doesn't get a second date with me.

 

No matter how physically attracted to him I might be.

 

All behavior like that communicates is that he is selfish and doesn't want to take the time to get to know me or build real intimacy. Especially when they said date 6+. It's no different than the guy who talks about sexual stuff right off the bat.

 

It's disrespectful and rude. Take her at her word, or just don't go on the date in the first place. Pushing for more ASAP without reading cues from her shows what an *ss the guy is.

 

... and people wonder why I get angry... look at all the posts above that basically say... ignore what she says. Just do whatever the hell you feel like doing and let her deal with it. All you are doing is guaranteeing she will probably have a negative experience and wonder... what the heck did I put on my profile to make this guy think I was up for that. But the rest of the guys are thinking 'oh, doesn't hurt to try'. WHATEVER.

 

Jerks... dime a dozen on OLD...

 

Edited: My new recommendation is not to go on the date with her. If waiting 6+ dates freaks you out that bad, and you can't be bothered to wait that long to get to know someone... she's probably better off not dealing with you.

I think you quoted the wrong post RR :o

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted
It's disrespectful and rude. Take her at her word, or just don't go on the date in the first place. Pushing for more ASAP without reading cues from her shows what an *ss the guy is.

 

A kiss is disrespectful and rude?

 

She said no SEX until 6+ dates. Does that mean no kissing, either? Don't even try to generate sexual interest? :confused:

Radu Established Member

Radu

Posted
Posted

For some reason, all of the sudden, i miss Frustrated Standards.

RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

Posted
Posted
I think you quoted the wrong post RR :o

 

She recommended a 'passionate kiss'

 

No, not on the first date.

 

I stand by my recommendation. If the guy can't imagine waiting 6+ dates to build sexual tension, then don't bother.

 

I've been on the flip side of this way too often. Men who are sincerely looking for a relationship (not just pseudo casual sex that may or may not lead to a relationship) aren't diving in for a passionate kiss on the first date. They just aren't.

 

They have a clue.

ThaWholigan Established Member

ThaWholigan

Posted
Posted
She recommended a 'passionate kiss'

 

No, not on the first date.

 

I stand by my recommendation. If the guy can't imagine waiting 6+ dates to build sexual tension, then don't bother.

 

I've been on the flip side of this way too often. Men who are sincerely looking for a relationship (not just pseudo casual sex that may or may not lead to a relationship) aren't diving in for a passionate kiss on the first date. They just aren't.

 

They have a clue.

:laugh: Fair enough......

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted
If the guy can't imagine waiting 6+ dates to build sexual tension, then don't bother.

 

That's interesting, RR. I wonder how many women would agree?

 

I would imagine that, for many women, if the sexual tension isn't there by date 6, they aren't interested in date 7.

USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
Posted
She recommended a 'passionate kiss'

 

No, not on the first date with you.

 

I stand by my recommendation. If the guy can't imagine waiting 6+ dates to build sexual tension, then don't bother with you.

 

I've been on the flip side of this way too often. Men who are sincerely looking for a relationship (not just pseudo casual sex that may or may not lead to a relationship) aren't diving in for a passionate kiss on the first date. They just aren't.

 

They have a clue on how to act with you.

 

This is just a simple fundamental incompatibility. Nothing wrong with either approach. You have your preferences, and others have theirs. I just have a feeling your approach is in the minority, especially in modern dating culture.

  • Like 2
USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
Posted

I would imagine that, for many women, if the sexual tension isn't there by date 6, they aren't interested in date 7.

 

Simply because some other man will have already built and established sexual tension before then...

 

Even if you were to assume that sexual would not be built until date 6, women after have the opportunity to multi-date, especially with the advent of online dating. Unless she started dating every guy at the exact same time and with the same frequency, you'd have a staggering of men and their respective place in the dating chain.

RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

Posted
Posted
A kiss is disrespectful and rude?

 

She said no SEX until 6+ dates. Does that mean no kissing, either? Don't even try to generate sexual interest? :confused:

 

Ok... maybe some clarification is needed... are you recommending this on the first date? What kind of progression are you recommending?

 

Going for a passionate kiss is justified provided other cues are there. The first date isn't the time.

 

This is why a nice, lingering hug is perfect for the first date. A kiss on the cheek.

 

Why? Because she gets to feel his body, and smell him. And vice versa. They get to fold into each other's bodies, however briefly.

 

Save the passionate kiss for later dates... and still with her prompting and cues.

 

I'm really not interested in the 'go for the gold' guys. None of them are likely looking for a relationship, nor have a history of finding/keeping them. I've learned to NEXT them ASAP.

RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

Posted
Posted
Simply because some other man will have already built and established sexual tension before then...

 

Even if you were to assume that sexual would not be built until date 6, women after have the opportunity to multi-date, especially with the advent of online dating. Unless she started dating every guy at the exact same time and with the same frequency, you'd have a staggering of men and their respective place in the dating chain.

 

You could establish whether she is multi-dating or not first...

 

I don't multidate. I want to establish intimacy with a guy one-on-one. The guys who feel the need to 'lock in'... and push past whatever cues I'm giving him... verbal and physical... shows me he is immature and selfish.

 

I don't find it attractive or romantic.

  • Like 1
RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

Posted
Posted
This is just a simple fundamental incompatibility. Nothing wrong with either approach. You have your preferences, and others have theirs. I just have a feeling your approach is in the minority, especially in modern dating culture.

 

The OP is talking about a woman who wants to wait 6+ dates for sex.

 

I think he is obliged to take her at her word or just not go on the date. That is why the question is there.

 

To do anything else is disrespectful and rude, IMHO.

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted
Ok... maybe some clarification is needed... are you recommending this on the first date? What kind of progression are you recommending?

 

Going for a passionate kiss is justified provided other cues are there. The first date isn't the time.

 

This is why a nice, lingering hug is perfect for the first date. A kiss on the cheek.

 

Why? Because she gets to feel his body, and smell him. And vice versa. They get to fold into each other's bodies, however briefly.

 

Save the passionate kiss for later dates... and still with her prompting and cues.

 

I'm really not interested in the 'go for the gold' guys. None of them are likely looking for a relationship, nor have a history of finding/keeping them. I've learned to NEXT them ASAP.

 

OLD makes all of this different, since a first date is often just a meet-and-greet to see if you want to go on a real date.

 

On a real date, I recommend a real kiss :bunny: Certainly by date 2!

RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

Posted
Posted

I'm a very sensual person... I take great pleasure in even a hug from a man I'm attracted to... and to feel his touch. I'd like the time to savor that before moving onto the next step. Same goes for the first kiss... and the next.

 

Here's a question... do you guys eat a lot of fast food? Do you tend to shovel whatever is on your plate into your mouth as fast as possible?

 

Or, do you savor each mouthful... lingering a bit to ponder the taste and feel of it. I like to think sex and intimacy are the same. I'm not into fast food or fast sex for the same reason.

  • Like 1
USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
Posted
OLD makes all of this different, since a first date is often just a meet-and-greet to see if you want to go on a real date.

 

On a real date, I recommend a real kiss :bunny: Certainly by date 2!

 

Eh, I'm in the camp that I treat the first "meeting" as the first date. I don't see a point in meeting a girl in public just to gauge whether she is worth meeting in public...seems a bit silly to me... :confused:

 

And with every first date comes a first kiss. It doesn't have to mean that I want to have sex that same night, or even three dates later. It just means that I want to kiss her and want to feel her kiss me.

 

The OP is talking about a woman who wants to wait 6+ dates for sex.

 

I think he is obliged to take her at her word or just not go on the date. That is why the question is there.

 

To do anything else is disrespectful and rude, IMHO.

 

From what I've gathered in the first post, this wasn't even her "word"...it was a survey question she answered to determine compatibility % ratings with other site members. And even if OP assumes that her answer to a random survey question is gospel, last I checked, kiss =/ sex.

RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

Posted
Posted (edited)
Eh, I'm in the camp that I treat the first "meeting" as the first date. I don't see a point in meeting a girl in public just to gauge whether she is worth meeting in public...seems a bit silly to me... :confused:

 

And with every first date comes a first kiss. It doesn't have to mean that I want to have sex that same night, or even three dates later. It just means that I want to kiss her and want to feel her kiss me.

 

 

 

From what I've gathered in the first post, this wasn't even her "word"...it was a survey question she answered to determine compatibility % ratings with other site members. And even if OP assumes that her answer to a random survey question is gospel, last I checked, kiss =/ sex.

 

The OP posted the question and seems to want a sincere answer. Any idiot can just 'go for it'.

 

As a person who IS a 6+ date person.... if he went for a kiss on the first date, he wouldn't get a second. Especially if she already said she doesn't want sex until date 6+ and there were not any other cues suggesting she was ok with that.

 

It shows a certain lack of patience, insecurity, or selfishness that I've observed from experience. Your post kinda proves that. Just another guy who doesn't really care about what she says she wants.

 

It's all about what YOU want and pushing past boundaries... or trying to. That's not building sexual tension. Just the opposite.

Edited by RedRobin
GLDheart Established Member

GLDheart

Posted
Posted
...if he went for a kiss on the first date, he wouldn't get a second...

 

...It shows a certain lack of patience, insecurity, or selfishness that I've observed from experience...

 

RR, I think it's all about going with the flow.

 

Nowhere would I ever suggest forcing things. GROSS. But, I guess you have been on a few dates that "get awkward" with a guy pressing for more than you've let on desire for.

 

I'm simply an advocate of "ignore the profile" and follow the mojo. Body language > profile text, IMHO.

  • Like 1
USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
Posted

It shows a certain lack of patience, insecurity, or selfishness that I've observed from experience. Your post kinda proves that. Just another guy who doesn't really care about what she says she wants.

 

It's all about what YOU want and pushing past boundaries... or trying to. That's not building sexual tension. Just the opposite.

 

I take it you've had poor experiences with men who aggressively sought sex early on, gotten it from you, and then peaced out. Good on you for learning from those experiences and adjusting your people picker accordingly. Passive aggressively hurling comments towards others who aren't in your dating reality...well...enjoy.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...