Car10e Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 For the past month, my now ex boyfriend have been giving each other some space. It first began with me just asking for a week to myself. The purpose was just to get us to miss each other again, so that we realize how much we really do appreciate each other. I told him no contact, just for a week. He still continued to text me, ask me to go places with him and call me at night. I should note that he usually doesn't do all that on a normal day, which I'm totally fine with. I started to feel bad because I could tell how much he missed me, but I wanted to finish the week. I still texted him back when he would ask how I was but thats about it. By Friday, I really began to miss him and told him lets go to dinner. We did and he seemed fine. He was happy to see me as was I happy to see him. I just told him lets just get back into things slowly. The next day happened to be my friends birthday. She wanted to go out for drinks and told me to ask my bf if he wanted to come. So I did. He just said no and I went without him. The next morning I texted him asking him how his night was. He just told me he went out with friends. Later on in the day I asked if he just wanted to come over and play with my little cousin. He loves playing with him and he was over at my house for a short time so I figure I ask him before he leaves. This is when he began ignoring me. After hours of not hearing from him, I asked what was up. He just said I'm busy. The next day I didn't hear from him, so I asked if he was ignoring me. I don't remember what his exact response was, but later in the night I talked to him on the phone and he said he now wanted a break. I wasn't sure how serious he was, because when I asked for a break he still contacted me everyday. I gave him a couple days of no contact, and then asked him how he was. He said he was good and asked how I was. Then I asked to meet up with him on Friday of that week to discuss our problems, thinking we could fix them. We made plans the night before, and when I was leaving work I noticed him just arriving. I thought maybe he felt bad, and wanted to surprise me. Nope, he wanted to talk now because he had plans to go out with his friends later. I took whatever I could get, so we talked in his car. He basically told me every problem he has with me, which he never has brought up before. Not to mention he exaggerated so much to make me look bad. He would say stuff like, "How are you going to get to school next semester without me?" and "You're just not motivated enough." From that im guessing he thinks I depend on him too much? I told him that I drove myself to school before we started carpooling. He ended up leaving before I could finish saying what I wanted, but basically we ended on a bad note. Another couple days passed and I found myself missing him on Fourth of July. It was hard for me, because we usually spent it together. I managed to not say anything to him that day even though I really wanted to. That Friday I heard from our friends that they were having a party and he was going. I was super down because I wanted to go. I texted him later that night asking how he was. He said he was good that he was going to the party. He asked how I was also. By this point I was missing him so much, I decided to ask if I could call him when he got home. He didn't reply, but I just called anyways. I left a voicemail telling him how much I missed him. Throughout that week I asked him if I could take him to dinner or if we could meet for a drink. He would say "I'm busy, but if my plans fall through I'll let you know." We met on Sunday and talked some more. He was still not ready to commit to working things out. A week passed and the same thing happened. We met, he didn't want to commit yet. Another week passed and I asked to meet again to see if he has thought about it at all. He was still not ready to commit. I told him this isn't fair for me and that he had to tell me what he wanted to do. He just said I told you no, not yet. So I said so thats it. He wouldn't answer yes or no. I told him I want to hear it come from his mouth that we are breaking up, but he wouldn't do it. He would just say I don't want to hurt you. He left that night and left me confused the whole week. I was invited to cousins wedding at the end of the week which I did not attend. I figured he would miss me not being there, and that he was just as sad as I was. The next day I went to the gym knowing theres a chance he would be there. I just wanted to see what he would do if he saw me. Before I could my house, my mom begged me not to go. I asked why and she told me that he has a new girlfriend already. She told me that a girl who works with my brother and my ex bf told my brother that there was a girl at my ex bf's work going around telling everyone that he was her new bf. Of course after hearing this, my adrenaline began pumping. I raced to the gym and waited for my friend to get there. I went back to the basketball courts where he was and instantly noticed everyone on the courts looking at me. That was the first sign something wasn't right. I looked in looking for him and he was literally the only one NOT looking at me. I should note that earlier on into out "break" his friends started noticing he was talking to this girl a lot at the gym. They told me and I asked him about it. He said no they just talk about work and she's always at the gym because her bf works there. I believed him because I kinda of knew who she was based on what he's told me about her. I believed him. But while looking through the gym I noticed her dead on glaring at me. And noticed another girl sitting in the corner by herself. I figured that was his new girlfriend. I waited for him after his game. I just said please tell me it isn't true. He said it wasn't and that I can't believe all the rumors I hear. For some reason I still believed him. And asked him to talk to me more. I wanted answers for him leaving me, because he didn't give me any whatsoever. He called me a psycho and to leave him alone, but then also told me that he still loves me. I called him a coward and walked back to my car, where I noticed his friends standing in front talking and watching me get rejected. I asked his friend what was up and he just said,"well they're not official yet, but it probably gonna happen soon." I got into my friends car, where she told me everything his friends were saying while I was trying to talk to my ex bf. It was two of his friends and the girl that was staring at me in the gym before. They were telling her they haven't seen him this happy in 4 years, which by the way he hasn't even known my ex bf for 2 years. I just left the gym thinking he's denying it to make himself look better right now. It was hard for me to accept the fact that he had a new gf not even a week after we broke up, which made me wonder how long he had been talking to her. People just told me that she was a rebound and it won't last. I believed it and tried to move on. Then just last night, I came across the girl at the gyms facebook. She was checking into all these places that my boyfriend and I used to go to. Even his favorite restaurant. I began noticing that she is his new gf. It was so obvious. She also posted a picture of herself with flowers that someone gave her, 2 days after my ex bf and I broke up. He lied to me the very beginning of our break, when I asked if he was seeing her. He still denies it, but everyone can see it. My friends, his friends, his co-workers, me, yet he still doesn't want to admit it. I'm sorry this is really long, but it was very therapeutic writing it out. Some other points I should make are, he has told my brother and one of our friends that we aren't good for each other right now. The fact that he says right now makes me confused. Also, he told my brother that he still loves me. And the girl he is seeing is 19, he is turning 25 next month. I am 22, but 19 seems too young when he told me he wants to move forward in life. I guess my question is, has anyone been in a similar situation? Did he/she come back after being in a rebound relationship? I don't know if I can forgive him for putting me through all of this.
KatZee Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 I have to be honest... I don't think this is a rebound at all. The signs are all there. He was talking to this girl, getting to know this girl, and becoming emotionally involved with this girl before he even left you (emotional affair). I say this because this is essentially what MY most recent ex did to his ex gf. He was with her for years but was really unhappy and just couldn't get out. He met me and we became friends and after a couple months he confessed he was falling for me, he really liked me, and it was essentially because of me he left his girlfriend, he finally had his way out. I agree with you that your ex is a coward. My ex, refused to tell his ex before me that there was someone else. He kept denying it to "avoid hurting her" but it was obvious there was someone else, because he was telling his friends about me, and they too were saying, "we haven't seen him this happy in xx amount of years." He's known this girl probably for a while and you just refused to see what was right in front of you... that would mean this isn't a rebound then... he may wind up missing you at some point down the line once this relationship settles and her bad points start coming to the surface but that still doesn't mean he'll want you back. My ex started missing his ex before me, and he told her this, and she thought he would dump me and go back to her so she hung on for months, and he never left me for her. It was just one of those things where once you've been with someone for years, you will eventually miss them at some point. He never went back to her and we dated for almost three years. So it wasn't a rebound. I would stop trying to talk to him, or get closure, and stop showing up to places. It was painful reading this because I can only imagine how his friends view you now... kind of pathetic, and they most likely pity you watching all of this go down, and it's awkward for all parties. He's chosen to at this point, move on. And you need to accept this. Start focusing on your own life, and your own path and own happiness.
Author Car10e Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 Thats weird that you think this. I have even talked to a psychologist and she told me its a rebound and not too worry. She told me let him be with her, because sometimes it takes being with someone else to realize what you really want. This girl had a boyfriend also up until they started seeing each other. I know this because my ex bf told me so much about her. She has worked with him over a year, and he would make fun of her and tell me how annoying she was. But the fact that she left her bf so suddenly makes it seem like shes had feelings for my ex bf for a while, and she made a move the first chance she had. Guys are different from girls. They always need someone there to take care of him. When he was down she was most likely the one that was there for him. You feel bad for me because of what his friends think of me, but like I said they don't know me. I am not worried at all what his friends say. Which by the way they are people he just started hanging out with. He won't go to his friends who have been there, because he knows they will tell him what he's doing isn't right. His "new" friends don't know the whole story, most likely only what he told them. They have not been around long enough. I was not pathetic at all. I could have caused a scene, I could have gone up to the girl, but I didn't. I don't want to sound mean, but you were the rebound girl, and its easy for you to say all of this because you were on the other side of what I'm going through. I don't hate the girl at all. I feel bad for her. She witnessed and knows how he handled this situation. She knows what he is capable of doing. Your lucky it worked out for you as long as it did. 1
KatZee Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Thats weird that you think this. I have even talked to a psychologist and she told me its a rebound and not too worry. Go to 10 different psychologists and you're likely to hear 10 different opinions. All this person heard was YOUR side. She didn't sit down with your ex, so she really can't say with 100% certainty you have nothing to worry about. She told me let him be with her, because sometimes it takes being with someone else to realize what you really want. And your ego is assuring you that what he really wants is you. Flip the coin. Just as likely as he is to realize he wants you back, he is likely to realize just how unhappy he was with you and why he hasn't left sooner. (This is word for word what my ex told me about his ex.) This girl had a boyfriend also up until they started seeing each other. I know this because my ex bf told me so much about her. So? I had a boyfriend when I met my ex as well. He was in a relationship, I was in a relationship. We both left our respective partners to be together. We were both unhappy in our situations, we found each other. She has worked with him over a year, and he would make fun of her and tell me how annoying she was. Your first red flag. Even though he was "making fun of her" he was still talking to YOU about HER. He also could have been saying "bad things" about her to either convince himself he wasn't into her, or trying to ensure that you had "nothing to worry about." But the signs are crystal clear... he left you and two seconds later... he's with her. His words, and subsequent actions do not match up. That's what you need to realize. Guys are different from girls. They always need someone there to take care of him. When he was down she was most likely the one that was there for him. If he was so "down" and missed you so much, he'd be trying to make it work with you. Not out with a new girlfriend. Also not sure where you're getting this statement from. Guys don't always need someone to to "take care of them." Nor is this gender specific. Girls can act this way too. It depends on how confident, or how insecure someone is. End of the day, even his friends are saying they've never seen him this happy. I don't want to sound mean, but you were the rebound girl, and its easy for you to say all of this because you were on the other side of what I'm going through. You're sadly mistaken here, and trying to make this situation black and white. It's not. He's known this girl for a fairly long time. He's gotten to know her on that level from being with her day in and day out at work. He was not happy with you, and most likely NOT happy with you for much longer than you realize. I guarantee you he was carrying on some sort of emotional affair behind your back. This happens. People fall for others while in relationships. It's shi*ty for you, and it sucks, but it happens, and that doesn't make it a rebound. It means he quite possibly could have found a better match for himself, just as my ex did with me. He and his ex were highly incompatible and were together merely out of obligation and due to the fact they had been together so long, not because they were deeply in love. So meeting me, and forming that foundation for MONTHS before we were both out of our relationship gave us that time to see what each of us was about, whether we'd be good together, etc. Everyone thought it was a rebound as well because NO ONE was on the inside. Only we were. Everyone saw us both go from relationships, to each other, and everyone said the same thing. "It's a rebound. I'll be over quickly." Neither statement was correct. Turns out what he felt for me was much stronger than what he felt for his ex, ultimately it didn't work out, but it didn't end because I was a "rebound."
Author Car10e Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 Yeah, I'm not taking advice from someone who was a rebound.
KatZee Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 (edited) Yeah, I'm not taking advice from someone who was a rebound. Yeaaaah. You clearly read nothing. Keep living in your land of denial. He left you for someone else. THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S A REBOUND; getting into a relationship after a previous doesn't necessarily mean it's doomed to fail, especially if you're not even willing to open your eyes to acknowledge your ex WAS NOT HAPPY WITH YOU. It's very clear he and this other girl were talking while he was in a relationship with you. From your perspective, it looks like a rebound. From his and hers, it could have been something going on in the background for weeks or even months without your knowledge. People do this. They detach emotionally from their partners while in their relationships, and then they are free to emotionally bond with someone else. It's a really common occurrence in relationships for this to happen... they going through the feelings of a "breakup" before it even happens. Lets say for arguments sake that that's what happened. That's why it appears to be such a smooth transition. That's why he's happy. And lets for arguments sake say that it is a rebound like you think. What if it is? It doesn't mean that if and when it fails that he's running back to you. And even if he DID for some reason run back to you, where is your own self-esteem to tell him to piss off? He lied to you. Denied up and down to your face there was someone else, meanwhile he's out with his new lady behind your back, giving you false hopes, trying to "not hurt you." Why would you even want to be someone's second choice? Try to convince yourself all you want that you don't hate this other girl. You clearly have a vendetta against us "rebounds." Edited July 30, 2012 by KatZee 1
Author Car10e Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 Uh yeah...obviously...I already said he was talking to her. They have to, they work together. Just because they talk together doesn't mean they have been seeing each other while we were together...........................duh
dreamingoftigers Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 She might be a rebound, but that doesn't in any way mean that thus could or should work out. Where exactly is your self-respect? Waiting a month for a guy to commit to working something out while seeing someone else behind you back and stringing you along because he "doesn't want to hurt you"? Bulshiit. Cut this guy loose, heal up and find someone much better. 22 is too old to be taking this crap. If he dud come back you are setting yourself up for "break" after "break" while he "finds what he wants." The reason he set it up like this is because you are now Plan B or he wanted to put you into a position to do the breaking up in the first place. 1
Woggle Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 I don't in anyway condone his behavior but when you asked for space you planted those seeds of doubt in his head. In his mind that was the first stage of a breakup. He went about it all wrong but most likely that is what is in his head.
Author Car10e Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 I have never said I'm waiting for him. I just wanted to know if anyone has had similar experience.
Author Car10e Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 Thats the thing...I didn't know he was seeing someone else while I was trying to work things out with him. If I had known, I would've left myself, because of how disgusted I am. I have a lot of respect for myself.
lil hoodlum Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 (edited) I don't in anyway condone his behavior but when you asked for space you planted those seeds of doubt in his head. In his mind that was the first stage of a breakup. He went about it all wrong but most likely that is what is in his head. Car10e, I am sorry to hear of your story and everything you have been through. I agree with Woggle, you probably should not have asked for a "break" to give yourself a chance to miss him. I think you really hurt him. He tried real hard for you to not leave. When you decided that you "missed him" after the week, it seems that he has decided to "punish" you for hurting him for suggesting a break during a 4.5 year relationship. He most likely thought you were going to break up with him. I'm sorry I don't have any concrete advice for you. I hope for your sake that it is a rebound and that he begins to realize what the two of you had together. However, I do think his behavior after the first "break" wasn't very honest. I mostly likely think he was playing games with you. Good luck. Edited July 31, 2012 by lil hoodlum i cant spel
Exit Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 I have to agree with others who sense that this whole chain of events took place because of the break you wanted. That just... doesn't seem like a normal thing to do in a relationship with this much time into it. 99% of the time, people suggest a break because they are considering ending it and wanting to see what it would be like to live without that person. You may have totally had the innocent intention to just miss each other, but maybe he didn't know that, or maybe you're not being entirely honest about why you did it. I would not expect to be in a successful 4.5 year relationship with someone and have them suggest we go total NC for a week out of nowhere. He obviously was not happy with it judging by how hard he tried to stay in contact with you despite your request. So, sorry to sound harsh but maybe now he feels he found someone who won't need a break from him. There are many other ways to spice things up in a relationship, but asking someone to just stay out of your life for a week is not going to come across well. I don't think you can do much now.
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