cms2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 I would really like to know some views from folks here about this. My M is ending, though I still have hope... H tells me I have to stop living in the past, that I'm going through the Grieving Process called bargaining.... Part of me can see that, but if we get to place in our lives without truly having the full awareness of our actions that brought us here, doesn't it make sense to want to know so we don't repeat actions that have failed us? Doesn't cause and effect matter?...(and I say this not to determine who's wrong or right) truly I don't...but to try to make sense of the emotional mess I feel I'm experiencing. Is this wrong?
Ajax Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 I've never been married, so I can't speak from that experience. But I have had relationships fall apart out of the blue that crushed me and left me wondering, as well as witnessed things happen to people around me. So I do have a perspective on that. So I'll give you my ideas and you can take them with a grain of salt. First of all, maybe you are in the grieving process. If so, that's certainly a normal and healthy thing for you. Part of grieving is getting closure so you can move on with your life. To me it sounds like your husband is trying to reason you out of grief, which certainly won't do any good for you. You have to go through it at your own pace. Secondly, from what you said, I get the impression that he hasn't really sat down with you and addressed the reason why he's decided to leave. That's just weakness on his part. He doesn't want to face the consequences of his decision. So you can't count on him for closure. Like most people here will tell you, you're going to have to find that from within. You're going to need to have faith. Faith in God, if you believe in one. And faith in yourself. It's going to take time to get closure, and you have to have faith that it will happen even if you don't have all the facts about what happened. I do think though that with enough time and some soul searching, you can reach a certain understanding of how and why your marriage fell apart.
villageman Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 I've been wondering about this too, as something I've also been struggling with lately. To start, I think it's totally natural, and something that everyone goes through when a serious relationship ends. I tend to think it's necessary too, but something that needs to be watched closely so that it doesn't get out of control. Using myself as an example, I did some really stupid stuff in my last relationship that caused it to end, and even though it's been about half a year since the relationship ended, I still don't understand why I was the way I was or did some of the things I did. So, periodically... actually at some point during every day, I still find myself asking why things happened the way they did and trying to find some kind of answer. I think we keep reliving the things we don't understand, because our brain wants to figure out what happened to avoid the same thing happening again in the future. The important part is working towards that answer, and remembering that we want to find the answer so we can do better in the future, not so we can try to change the past. If you are trying to understand the past, remember to tell yourself that when you start reliving events and examining them again. Just in my personal experience, I've started to understand some of the things that led to the end of my relationship, and those things I've gotten some understanding of tend to pop up less in my thoughts these days. Understanding helps lead to acceptance I think. The things that I still don't understand sometimes drive me crazy, and so I'm working on finding some kind of understanding there so I can move on and start making a better future for myself. Anyway, to make a long answer short, sure, trying to understand things might be living in the past, but it's also normal, and can be helpful, as long as you remember that the understanding your seeking is in order to help you live a better life from here on out. 1
villageman Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 also, I didn't mention it in the last post, but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry to hear that your marriage is ending. I've never been married, so I know the pain I've felt when my most serious relationships have broken up probably still doesn't approach the pain of a broken marriage. Good luck with everything, there are lots of good people out there, and you will get through this, although it will probably take some time.
Mr Scorpio Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 To me, it makes perfect sense. To paraphrase what others on this site have told me, the only experiences in life that are failures are the ones you don't learn from. To that end, wanting to know what went wrong with a relationship is not only normal, it is a positive IMO. This is as opposed to people who may just hop into another relationship without any reflection (although I would imagine the majority of such people are the dumpers). The only way I would see it being unhealthy is it the relationship had fallen apart years ago and you were still looking for answers.
Exit Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 There is a fine line between wanting details and answers about where things went wrong, and wanting some sort of answer that is suddenly going to make you feel okay with what is happening. Wanting basic answers so you can fill in the blanks and learn from your mistakes is fine. But most people who you see on a website like this saying they wish their ex would talk to them, have it set in their mind that there is some magic detail that their ex can give them where suddenly it will make sense in their mind and the breakup will no longer hurt. Those are the types of answers that don't truly exist. You can chase after that forever, and even when you get your answer, it's likely to be unsatisfying, and then you come up with another question. It is fair to want to fill in the basic details about where things got off track, but don't search for those magical answers that are going to make it all feel better. There aren't any.
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