Lds Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 My partner and I have been together 5.5 years. We have a daughter. Without goin in to it too much, he is NOT a good person and the relationship has never been healthy. Things have got to the point now where I feel like I have to get out. He has a nasty temper and has on occasion been physically abusive, even in front of our child. he does not have a job and is in severe debt with no intention of doing anything about it. He has recently become more dependant on some heavy drugs, often spending a night or two awæ from the home as he is on a bender. Recently I found dirty messages in his phone, although he says that's as far as its gone. He is controlling and extremely jealous and paranoid. I can't remember the last time he spent a day with us doing something family orientated, my daughter and I do everything together as he is always too busy or not interested in spending time with us. Do I need to go on. So obviously I asked him to leave but deep down I am not happy with the decision. It's all very fresh so he calls, visits, begs for us back, promises to change (then goes on a binge cos I say no) but secretly Im so scared for the day that all stops. I can't imagine life without him in it an the thought of him moving on makes me physically Ill. I don't want to be single, I want to be a family and I love him an want him, I want to be his wife. But I cannot be with him a he is now and although he's always been a prick, he is just getting worse and although he says he wants to change, I don't think he can. I don't want to leave him but I have to for mine and my baby's sake.... Don't I?
Toru Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Leave. Leave now and never look back. The problem is you have been in a relationship with a guy for 5.5 years who you found a prick from day 1. Learn from your mistakes and in your next relationship, try dating someone you don't find a prick. Because when you find him a prick from the start, chances are things are going to get a lot worse, as you have obviously found out now. Good luck to you. You deserve better, if you choose better.
Downtown Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 LDS, welcome to the LS forum. I'm sorry to hear your family is going through so much pain. My experience is that the quickest way to get rid of the confusion and guilt (of leaving your H) is to find out what it is you have been dealing with. I therefore suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion. I mention this because the behaviors you describe -- verbal and physical abusive, controlling, extremely jealous, paranoid, lack of impulse control (e.g., drug binges), and temper tantrums -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Significantly, only a professional can determine if your H has full blown BPD. Spotting the red flags, however, is not difficult when you've been living with a man for five years. If your H has moderate to strong BPD traits, you likely also will be seeing black-white thinking, wherein he categorizes everyone as "all good" ("with him") or "all bad" ("against him"). And he will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on some minor thing that is said or done. It also would be likely that your H had a rough childhood, particularly before age 5.He has a nasty temper and has on occasion been physically abusive, even in front of our child.Physical spousal abuse is strongly associated with personality disorders, particularly BPD. A 1993 psychiatric study in Canada found that nearly all wife batterers have a PD and about half of them have BPD. Roger Melton describes the study results at Romeo's Bleeding - When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong -- Health & Wellness -- Sott.net. I don't know whether your H has BPD traits at a strong level but I believe you are capable of spotting the red flags if you take time to read about them. There is nothing subtle about traits such as physical abuse, temper tantrums, and extreme jealousy. I therefore suggest you take a look at the DSM-IV list of nine BPD traits to see if most sound very familiar. The full list is provided at Borderline Personality Disorder. I also suggest you read my brief description of such traits in Rebel's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to excellent online resources. Take care, LDS.
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