APS1988 Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 So I found on here an old post a guy had gotten from okcupid basically trolling this poort woman. and a bunch of guys said it was a turn off... I have revised it to fit me! Am I a turn off, is this list a no go? Are my expectations tooo high? Let me have it guys! 1.Liars, and Cheaters need not apply. 2. Spends time with family, devotes time to our relationship 3. Approachable and open for communication (even about the relationship), initiates questions and shows interest in me and others 4. Makes plans, instead of always just being spontaneous. Spontaneity is nice just not when it comes to appointments or a dinner date with another couple or having people over. I like my house to be presentable for times like those, and I do keep a very clean home, but I like to add little things to make it nicer. So plans with those situations to help a girl out. 5. Drinking is fine and fun … but a 12 pack a day and you have a problem --- not wanted! 6. Knows when to be serious, but can still make me laugh with his good sense of humor 7.Helpful when it comes to my anxiety or panic attacks bc I have PTSD from a traumatic childhood and event in my teens, can deal with my bipolar and not take my hateful words seriously during an episode. I do take medicine but I do have little tantrums where I will get bitchy usually one day out of the month. 8. Consistent with feelings.. (Doesn’t change his mind every five minutes on whether he wants to be with me or not) 9. Promises of the future- not right off the bat, but as the relationship gets serious. I want a partner. That being said I’m not sure If I ever want to be married again. 10. Takes care of their appearance. I make an effort to look good, and he should too. 11. Non-controlling, can control his anger to a point, not finger pointing every time something happens. 12. Doesn’t disappear for a day at a time. 13. Takes care of his responsibilities and is reliable. 14. Wants to have sex at least 3 times a week. 15. Affectionate in a nonsexual way too (puts his hand on my thigh in the car, gives and receives massages, hugs, holds me, cuddles). 16. Listens well and doesn’t interrupt me when I’m trying to talk or change the subject when I’m trying to be validated. Show me the respect I would show you basically. 17. Shares in my interests as well as shares his interests and hobbies with me. Take classes together maybe sometime just for fun quality time. 18. Be consistent, Doesn’t make false promises. 19. Empathetic, kind, and compassionate to those who are sensitive and/or need it 20. Not selfish. Acts of selflessness are a nice gesture every once in a while. But I don’t want some guy who is going to break his back trying to help someone who he cant change, or that is going to stress him out more than it is worth. 21. Hard worker – not a workaholic 22. Uses endearing pet names and inside jokes that make us feel closer … This comes with time in any relationship but I just like it J 23. Will be helpful when it comes to our children, not just making me take care of them. 24. Doesn’t belittle me or put blame on me for something I have no control over. If I made a mistake I will gladly own up to it, but don’t shift blame, bc you can’t deal with your crap. 25. Compliments, I want him to think I’m beautiful and tell me so often. Not because he feels he has to but because he honestly thinks I am just that beautiful. 26. Respects me by not being flirtatious with other women or staring at them right in front of me. Guys know how to be discreet if she is a head turner, by all means turn your head but do it when I’m not looking. It does hurt your girls’ feelings. I would honestly think “what is so great about her when I am standing right here” 27. Thoughtful in the way of giving me small tokens of affection and taking actions on my behalf, allowing me to make choices of my own, bringing me flowers on occasion. Little things make a girl – well this girl feel special. No not every day … but yeah at least once every two weeks. A card, even a soda.. “Baby, I know you love your soda and you never drink it but I thought you might just want one” That isn’t even a big deal, but the little things show that you care and notice my quirks. 28. Active person – I do not want a man to just have me, and have no friends. A healthy relationship is one with boundaries; you need your guy time just as I need my girl time. Have some darn friends dammit, don’t hold me down in the house and never allow me to do anything bc you stop talking to all your friends. 29. I LOVE BLUE or GREEN eyes, will not date someone without one or the other. Never have never will. 30. Doesn’t go to bed angry, we talk things out first … yes initially if there is a argument you need your cooling down time, as do I , never talk angry bc things are said that we don’t mean. But I do want a guy who will talk things out and work through them instead of sweeping them under the rug. 31. A guy that respects his mother, and treats his family with respect. 32. I am so damn tired of cleaning up after my man. Like rinse your dish and put it in the dish washer it takes literally 10 seconds. Throw your clothes in the hamper not on the floor, and do the lawn. I mean damn im not asking you to vacuum or do laundry.. just the simple ****. It is really NOT that hard. 33. Makes enough of a living to do more than just survive and not stressed financially. Yes, there are times where money can get tight. I understand that, but my goal is to be able to live life month to month with someone who won’t be asking me for money, and who has a savings. Have goals for yourself. Seriously. 34. Is willing to meet new people, so we can have friends that are couples as well. 35. Educated. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist, but I don’t want a guy who cannot tell you the difference between “there, they’re, their” 36. Must be open to constructive criticism or compromising… If I do it for you, you should do the same .. as simple as that. 37. Not a lot of debt or none - Like me! 38. Kids must like this guy 39. Past proves strength even if shady – be honest about your whole self don’t hide your past from me, it’s a part of who are .. shady or not shady. 40. Can deal with me and my mood swings. Im not saying it is okay. I’m just saying I cant help it sometimes. I always do apologize within the hour or two after of getting bitchy. I just need to take five and calm down n think to myself was that my fault or his? And I will most likely say I was wrong, if I was being moody without reason on your part. 41. Easy going and flexible in most ways and not stubborn on trivial matters. Don’t sit there and argue over a pack of cards or if the fan should be on high or low or what the lyrics of a song are.. Who gives a ****? Seriously, its petty ****, I hate arguing over dumb crap. 42. Allow me to look how I want to (if I’m dressed like a slut or it doesn’t look good do say so, so that I can change .. but don’t make me wear only crewnecks so guys don’t look at my boobs or down my shirt, I mean that’s a little excessive.) And let me decorate how I want to so that I’m comfortable in my surroundings ….. And I don’t mean his input doesn’t count because it def always does. Its your surroundings too if he lives with me. 43. Doesn’t feel personally attacked by my high expectations and can reason with me in a logical way in that case as opposed to an all-out fight.. that’s why you take 5-10 and then talk.. I’m not going to argue and fight over something when it can be talked about and can respect each other. 44. Can take me seriously when I need it, but lighten the mood when necessary and point out my skewed view without placing blame during the down times. By all means don’t be stoic, tell me I am wrong when I am wrong. But listen and take me seriously first, and then have your say or if it is the other way around I will do the same and you should listen and respond reasonably… I do not want another man that is going to fight fight fight all the time. 45. Has passion for something (hobbies) 46. Can keep himself entertained without drug use or alcohol abuse. I get a man drinking maybe 1-4 beers a night or a few days a week. But no more alcoholics. I dated a guy who turned into one it was HORRIBLE. I can’t deal with it. 47. I like a handy man, I like a man who can fix things or at least try, I like to be able to say “hey hun I can’t reach this or this jar top really isn’t coming off can you get that for me” Like be a sweetie! And there is just something sexy about a man who can fix a car or appliances or when he takes care of his home … turns me on. I’m weird. Idk. Lol. 48. Does not live with family members (parents) or like they're still in a fraternity. I want a guy who is established enough and in the point in his life where he can financially support himself and live on his own. Be a man. Is this too much to ask for in a man????!! Give me your opinions guys..
snowflake87 Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 The problem is not that its too much or not, the problem is that is extremely unrealistic to find someone who meets ALL these requirements. And some of them are really stupid, to be honest, why if someone would have brown eyes (therefore not meeting one of your requirements) but meet all the rest? One thing is to have boundaries and basic values etc, but i have never understood such extensive lists of requirements.
irc333 Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 I stopped at 1, because I'm just sick of reading, "Liars and cheaters dont' apply. Why is this?? 1. No need to state the obvious 2. Telling them, "No liars and cheaters" is not going to STOP them from emailing you. Also this cliche'd remark is SO repetitive in OTHER women's profiles, I'm getting sick of seeing it, as I'm sure most men are sick of seeing it, too. 3. Finally, #1 is an example of many things that women do NOT want.....but, funny how I think, "Cool, I don't cheat and a lot of other items that she doesn't want....sounds like I'd be a good match" Then they don't reply to my email. So men that don't lie and cheat probably won't get a reply from a woman anyways, because she's engaging dating men who DO lie and cheat, but they just don't know it yet. That's a reward for a man like me who is a law abiding citizen, being ignored. 2
Author APS1988 Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 I have all of these requirements because I have been married to a man for five years, and it didn't work. And These are the things that matter to me, I just want someone to be loving, caring, hard working, not lazy, and not an alcoholic, and if I did meet a guy with the entire package that has brown eyes I would def take him in a heart beat. I just have been attracted to men with blue eyes, I dont know why. So i guess i will revise that statement. If a man is the total package he can have whatever hair color, eye color, as long as he is under 45. I just prefer blue eyes. And the criteria for taking care of ones looks, is because I have a kid, and she is 7 months old. And I dont look a day over 18, my body doesnt even look like I have ever had a kid, I like to take care of myself and I think if Im going to take care of myself for me and my man so he is sexually attracted to me he should do the same. Ive dated quite a few guys who have had almost ALL the requirements, my ex husband was one of them, until he became an alcoholic and got lazy and being dirty. So I guess I have high expectations because at one point in time I had all of these things until he changed. So I know its out there, I know there are men like that. But are my standards unrealistic as in no man is going to ever be those things or is it no man is ever going to be ALL of these things all the time?
madjac74 Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 It is up to you to decide what you want in a man and how flexible you are on your requirements. I'm sorry to say that we are all flawed. What if I met every single stipulation except for the fact that I am staying with my parents for the time being? Maybe I have a good reason for it. Anyhoo you seem fairly confident and you know what you want.
irc333 Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 I kinda skimmed the rest. You even have an eye color preference that you won't budge on? I'm VERY surprised you didn't have a height requirement down there. Yes, the list is too much, you might to compromise on some of them, a lot of the things you listed are some things that you find out WHILE you're dating a guy, not BEFORE. 1
irc333 Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 A child that's 7 months old would probably be a deal breaker for most men, esp, men in their mid to early 20's (not sure how old you are). A 7 month old child is hard to deal with in the dating arena, in fact, best not to date at all until the child is older and doesn't require a diaper change anymore. LOL I have all of these requirements because I have been married to a man for five years, and it didn't work. And These are the things that matter to me, I just want someone to be loving, caring, hard working, not lazy, and not an alcoholic, and if I did meet a guy with the entire package that has brown eyes I would def take him in a heart beat. I just have been attracted to men with blue eyes, I dont know why. So i guess i will revise that statement. If a man is the total package he can have whatever hair color, eye color, as long as he is under 45. I just prefer blue eyes. And the criteria for taking care of ones looks, is because I have a kid, and she is 7 months old. And I dont look a day over 18, my body doesnt even look like I have ever had a kid, I like to take care of myself and I think if Im going to take care of myself for me and my man so he is sexually attracted to me he should do the same. Ive dated quite a few guys who have had almost ALL the requirements, my ex husband was one of them, until he became an alcoholic and got lazy and being dirty. So I guess I have high expectations because at one point in time I had all of these things until he changed. So I know its out there, I know there are men like that. But are my standards unrealistic as in no man is going to ever be those things or is it no man is ever going to be ALL of these things all the time?
Author APS1988 Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 yes IRC333. I know you find out while dating them.. if you read my post two under your first comment i said i revise that statement because i would budge on that if he was an outstanding man and was everything else that i wanted. To be honest.. that list is my dream guy, perfect guy. I know no one is perfect. But i want that! lol. I really hate the fact that there isnt this magic potion that can tell me if a guy is ****ter or not. Hate to be frank but I date these guys who I think are amazing, and then they turn out to be everything that I didnt want, and what sucks is I was up front and honest from the get go about my expectations. Ive been proposed to by 4 different people, Im only 24. Ive been married for 5 years. Going through a divorce. So its not like I cant get a man, its just the men I get tend to lie, cheat, disappoint or become an alcohol or secretly do drugs or something.
Author APS1988 Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 If i wanted to date a boy, Id date a man in their early twenties. I want to date a man in his late twenties, thirties, possibly early forties.
madjac74 Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 If i wanted to date a boy, Id date a man in their early twenties. I want to date a man in his late twenties, thirties, possibly early forties. I'm 38 but I don't meet your criteria. I'm pretty cool though
irc333 Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 So its not like I cant get a man, its just the men I get tend to lie, cheat, disappoint or become an alcohol or secretly do drugs or something. I grew up in a home where my dad was a law enforcement officer, if you needed any kind of reqinforcement that I do not do such things, that would be it. LOL You'd probably even breathe a big sigh of relief. (Whew, his dad is in law enforcement, he made sure that smoking weed was cause for banishment to juvenile hall!" ) LOL I always lived a clean cut life, even people that have done the above look at me with oddness and distrust when they found out I even smoked a joint, or drank excessive amount of alcohol. Sometimes I think I'd get MORE dates because of that reason....but ...mmmm....not so much. :-) So you'd seriously date a man under 45? You into older men since you're only 24? ;-)
snowflake87 Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 I think that looking for a life partner is not like looking for an employee who has to meet X requirements. No person is unique and we all have our flaws and good qualities and the key is to find someone who fits with you, but not based on a list of stupid requirements, but based on compatibility. It is ok to have values and deal breakers, I would personally not be with an abusive partner, an alcoholic, someone who would disrespect me, and so on. But some of your requirements are, from my point of view, ridiculous.
irc333 Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 If i wanted to date a boy, Id date a man in their early twenties. I want to date a man in his late twenties, thirties, possibly early forties. Yeah, you kind of started off doing the family deal real early, while a lot of other people just stayed single and went off to college. I could see how this could alter your preferences. (Note to self on dating younger women........ "Date young ladies that aren't into college boys") There are very few women your age that would date a man over 40 without feeling the "ew" factor of a guy that old. lol
ascendotum Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 No its not unreasaonable to want those things. Presenting such a check list up front on a dating profile for me would be a turn off. You will need to just cover the core attributes (loving, caring, hard working, not lazy, etc) in a online profile, and save the rest for gleaning during your first few dates with the guy (but not as if its an interview). I also agree with irc, that no.1. no cheaters or liars, is such a cliche on women's profiles, and its pretty much a given that no one desires that in a relationship, and no one who's a committed bullshyte artist & cad is going to suddenly stop and turn around when presented that.
Author APS1988 Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 snowflake - can you point out which numbers ae rediculous? im just curious! thanks.
madjac74 Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 whats #s dont you meet? I think just #48. I do lie though. Everyone does.
Author APS1988 Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 Irc. I would date an older man, because they have already matured mostly lol. And they have their life together by then, are established and are ready to have a family, and I have a child. So I want someone who wants the same things as I do. And is responsible. There are tons of men in their forties that I have met that look great, and have the total package, they are just usually married, and I wont go over 45 because my father is 50, and I don't want to date my dad. lol. Or his friends. Its too weird. Ive gone on a date with one of his friends, and he was too weirded out by it.
Author APS1988 Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 And this is definately not something I would put on a dating profile, this is just my wants and needs and i am trying to see how unrealistic Im being? Bc I feel Ive hit a dead end
irc333 Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Irc. I would date an older man, because they have already matured mostly lol. And they have their life together by then, are established and are ready to have a family, and I have a child. So I want someone who wants the same things as I do. And is responsible. There are tons of men in their forties that I have met that look great, and have the total package, they are just usually married, and I wont go over 45 because my father is 50, and I don't want to date my dad. lol. Or his friends. Its too weird. Ive gone on a date with one of his friends, and he was too weirded out by it. Well, there's tons of men that age that don't want to have children, they already have them. So, even if they're divorced, they've been there, done that and not doing it again. When I reached 40, I changed my profile to reflect "Don't want children" meaning wanting to give BIRTH to new children. Now, I don't have a problem dating single mom's though.
ascendotum Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 For me its possibly #12 (if you get aggro over not hearing from me for a day if I am busy/stressed/tired from work) and maybe #30+40 depending on the circumstances of course and the true nature of the woman. A number of these items you will not find out about until you are in a relationship and the honeymoon period has worn off. So many guys will say I'm fine on all these when they first meet an attractive woman, or will still go for it if they cover 3/4 of them, and will hope things will work out for the remaining 1/4.
ascendotum Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 A dead end because of lack of prospects who want to stick around or because no decent looking guys meet the majority of the 50 items?
Author APS1988 Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 madjac. when i say lie , i mean over the big things. Yes, everyone tells a little lie every once i a while or even on accident sometimes. I know I have. But a person who lies to hide something bad from me, that would upset me, thats a deal breaker. And living at home also depends on the situation for me. If a man lives with his family bc he is saving money to put a down payment on a house, i get that - if a man is living there because his mother or father is sick and he is helping out, or helping out financially bc times are tough, i get that. But a man who is living at home with no reason and no aspiration.. i pass on! Every thing on my list is what I want, i never said their werent grey areas to my wants because there are. Life is a compromise, i know this. I can't expect some one to be the perfect 100 % everything I want and need, but I can expect him to try.
madjac74 Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 madjac. when i say lie , i mean over the big things. Yes, everyone tells a little lie every once i a while or even on accident sometimes. I know I have. But a person who lies to hide something bad from me, that would upset me, thats a deal breaker. And living at home also depends on the situation for me. If a man lives with his family bc he is saving money to put a down payment on a house, i get that - if a man is living there because his mother or father is sick and he is helping out, or helping out financially bc times are tough, i get that. But a man who is living at home with no reason and no aspiration.. i pass on! Every thing on my list is what I want, i never said their werent grey areas to my wants because there are. Life is a compromise, i know this. I can't expect some one to be the perfect 100 % everything I want and need, but I can expect him to try. How are you going to know until you get to know them? You may get 100 guys saying "Yeah I totally fit all your criteria" while they are rubbing their fat belly and drinking their 13th beer while their wife sleeps in the next room but maybe there is that one great guy you scared away because he is a little self conscious that he lives with his parents and is trying to start his life over.
Author APS1988 Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 A dead end, because I have not met someone I want to be with who meet my needs. Like ive said this was a guideline, ins and outs of what i want in a serious relationship. Guys want to stick around, Ive been proposed to by 4 different people and married once and I'm only 24. Im a great catch. And most men I have dated, don't care that I have a baby --- they actually want to get serious, I just cant budge on the dissappearing for days without a text or a phone call. Like I dont need to see the dude every day but call me or text me, you know? And for some reason in SC everyone here does drugs. And i just cant have that around my children. I wont. And I dont want to be around it period. So when I say dead end, i feel like i havent met a man that im sexually attracted too, that can give me even 50% of the things on my list. Most of the guys Ive dated, want to fight all the time, like argue for no reason what so ever. Or they want to control me and tell me I cant dress a certain way or go anywhere or do anything. Im tired of being with guys who treat me like that. Like my ex wouldnt let me leave the hosue unless I had jeans and a shirt that covered all of my cleavage, he would literally make me lean down to see if he could see down my shirt if i were to pick something up. And if he could see my cleavage by doing that I had to change. So i guess I must just pick **** heads.
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