518 Days, 25 Hours, 53 Minutes.

[SeventhFloor]

That's 1.42 years, or 17.02 months. This was the time that my ex and I first made love. I remember it because it's on my phone's stopwatch; the switch was accidentally flipped during the commotion and it's been running ever since then.

 

I miss her so much. We have been broken up for about a month. NC for 21 days (that's 3 weeks!); her and her new boyfriend have been together now for 21 days as well. 3 weeks. Their anniversary IS THE SAME AS OURS. She cheated, lied, led me on...was sleeping with this guy every night while telling me she wanted to be with me. Ugh. She would wake up in the morning, email me, call me, tell me how she loved me and how she wanted to work things out... I'd see her (some days) and then that night, she'd be in his bed. Not the first time she's cheated. But we "weren't together;" just a huge excuse. They went "official" a week after we "broke up for good."

 

In the past 3 weeks, about 2 weeks ago, she sent me one text message essentially saying: I want to apologize, I want to acknowledge how great of a boyfriend you were and I'm sorry for putting you through all these hardships, let me know if you want to gain a sense of peace with me, I'd love the opportunity for closure. I never responded. She called 2.5 hours later; I didn't pick up.

 

She is my best friend's cousin. She's called him twice asking him whether I wanted to speak with her. "Closure." I tell my friend, why should I speak with her? She's happy with her new guy. She's in love with him. She doesn't want to be with me, she just wants to apologize. He says - YOU DON'T KNOW THAT! He claims that when he last saw her, maybe 1.5 weeks ago, she didn't seem happy (she was sick, her life plans didn't sort out the way she wanted, etc) - and I asked whether she was happy with him and in love. He reluctantly said no, but he's sure they are happy and in love when they are laughing. He claims, "you can't be happy with someone unless you are happy with yourself."

 

I can't wrap that around my head. I feel like, if she wasn't happy she would want to contact me more. He says, I ignored her the first time -- why would she try again? She's being respectful of my space because she knows the situation.

 

I think she's happy with him. Even though, when they first kissed she said she didn't like it. When they first slept together, she said she didn't like it. She listed all of these bad qualities about him, but then a few days later - BAM! "I'm in LOVE with him. He has the kindest heart, and his respect is so pure." -- "It's not just infatuation. I have never felt any love like this."

 

His respect is so pure? Is that why when we were STILL TOGETHER and they would hang out, he would ask her NOT to talk to me? He's so respectful that he kissed her when she was with me? How about when she literally went up to him the next day and said, "You are affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. We need to stop seeing each other for a while." - and instead of respecting that, he continued to relentlessly hit her up every single day asking to hang out, asking to take her out, buying her tickets to concerts, etc... Is that respect? How can she not see that?

 

So my friend says she's not necessarily happy. Well, she still wants to be with him, and not me. She wants to wake up next to him, and not me. No more first-wake-up-half-asleep-eyes-closed kisses from me. No more waking up to tell her how beautiful I think she is, and how I love being next to her. And my friend says, "You don't know that. You don't know what she has to say."

 

What could she possibly say to me? She's just going to apologize to assuage (read: sewage) her guilt. She's going to tell me how happy they are together, how well he treats her, and how she wants to continue being with him. And YES, I AM making assumptions, as I do not know what is the true case. But if that wasn't the case, if she WAS NOT happy, wouldn't she be knocking down my door? Instead of calling for "closure."

 

The sad part? I want to talk to her. The cheater, the liar, the misleader. And if she ever found out, she would have a ball. So I won't - because she is waking up next to someone else, because she wants to wake up next to someone else, and not me.

 

My friend says she hasn't contacted me the past ~2 weeks out of respect for my pain. I say she hasn't contacted me the past ~2 weeks because things are going good for her. I say her mind is going, "Well - I let him know I want to talk, so the ball is in his court." I could be wrong. But am I? She knows ALL my contact information. House, phone, multiple emails, AIM, skype, facebook (SHE blocked ME), twitter, etc... She has only sent me one text message, and called once.

 

A few days ago, I was on Gmail chat and accidentally clicked "Invite to Chat" on her name. This most likely sent her an email or something, I don't know. I tried to reverse it ASAP, but about 2 minutes later she hopped on Gmail chat. I blocked her. I was just surprised - it could have been coincidence, but it doesn't feel like it.

 

I don't know man. I've been happy without her, some days. But I have other days. I just want to hear from her, but she won't even try. How could she do such messed up things. Sleep with him, then kiss me, cuddle me, hug me. I miss that a lot. I'm such a fool.

 

Her friend saw me out with another girl a few nights ago. She probably heard about that. Who knows if that's good or bad - she'll probably say, "Good. He's moved on, no need for that anymore."

 

She probably doesn't even think about me 1/4 as much as I think about her. She's got her new boyfriend, and though she was unhappy for a little while (due to work/sickness/etc/whatever), they've had more time together to grow together. To get closer to each other. How can you not find happiness?

 

518 Days, 26 Hours, and 11 Minutes ago, we made love for the first time. It was one of the most amazing things I have experienced. And we never will again.

 

I stopped the timer.

 

0

[TaraMaiden]

Good thinking.

[SeventhFloor]

I don't want to be with her. I can't be with her. I don't trust her with my heart.

 

I just miss her so much.

 

And I don't think she even misses me.

[TaraMaiden]

Start the timer.

 

 

"This is the moment I began to rebuild my life, move on and accept that nothing lasts for ever."

 

Rejoice in the good it brought rather than dwell on the bad it's generating.

[SeventhFloor]

I started the timer.

 

This is the moment I begin to rebuild my life, move on and accept that nothing lasts forever. And even though it doesn't feel like it right now, I know that day by day, things will get better. And some days may be worse than others; however, some days may be better.

 

I just have so many questions that I feel will never be answered. Is she happy? Is she happy with him? If she was happy with him, why would she want to talk to me? Was it really her dream come true? Why does she want to talk to me? Why do I miss her, when she's done so many cruel things? Why can't I get her off my mind?

 

One month. Soon to be two. Their anniversary is coming up next week; the same day as ours, that's supposed to be OUR anniversary. Does she think about that? Does she feel bad? How could she not feel bad, knowing the guy she cheated on me with & left me for and her have the same anniversary, which is also the same day as my birthday? How could she not feel bad?

 

How could she sleep with him, lie to me, continue to lead me on saying she wanted to be with me, kiss me hours after being with him? How could she lie to me, when from the start I asked her to be honest? I said, "If you don't want to be with me, then let me go so I can move on. Don't give me false hope. Don't ruin this." And yet, she did.

 

Ohhh, the questions...they bother me so. I hope that today is the day I'll stop worrying and start living.

 

Its at least good to get these thoughts down, so I work through them instead of avoiding them. I just HATE the questions, and the thoughts, and the painful memories and the REALIZATIONS about how she was lying to me even before I thought she was.

 

Damn. What a B-word.

 

TaraMaiden, you are one of the most helpful and kind members on here and I can't thank you enough. You, and ChitownD - who is more helpful than kind, but it is in a very, very good way. I hope to be more enlightened some day, and bring some worth into others' lives in helping them with what I've been through.

[TaraMaiden]

Questions are just your devastated mind's way of keeping the pain burning.

Closure is what you need, but unfortunately, she cannot, and will not give it to you (read my signature).

 

There's no point trying to focus on being cheerful and changing your attitude, if you have to force it so much it just makes you feel worse.

If you feel bad - feel bad. It's ok to feel bad.

If you want to cry, cry. If you need to vent and get it out of your system, vent and get it out of your system.

if you feel like kicking a puppy.... ok, well, maybe not that....

 

But acknowledge your feelings, because they're real, and they sure hurt.

the secret is to observe when your mind 'clicks' and tells you, "ok, enough's enough, pal...."

that's the moment you have to stop yourself perpetuating the feelings, because you think you should....

[BrokenMirror]

Sometimes you love someone enough that you can't understand why they do what they do. If she loved you, she wouldn't have cheated on you. That's not what love is.

 

I feel as if it is familiarity she is wanting to come back to. I know, because that's what I'm resisting. I am resisting the urge to go back to my ex because he is familiar to me. He is someone I know inside and out and someone that has stayed a constant for as long as I can remember. But I cannot.

 

Sometimes, the bad things outweigh the good. And you deserve someone that will love you, not like she did, but better. Someone who will wake you up in the morning with sweet kisses and tell you how much she loves you at the most random times. Someone who will want to be with you 24/7 and won't see any other guy in an attractive manner because you will be the guy in her eyes.

 

And restart that stopwatch. Restart it to symbolize the day you restarted your life. I'm going to start my stopwatch with you too, and together, we will get through this.

[SeventhFloor]

I miss her so much, I don't know what to do. I keep trying to find ways that she could contact me somehow... keep waiting, hoping, praying that she will. I just want things to go back to the way they were...

 

I re-started to stopwatch but I feel like a failure already.

 

She's such a ****ing liar. I don't even understand why I feel this way.

Edited July 29, 2012 by SeventhFloor

[BrokenMirror]

I miss her so much, I don't know what to do. I keep trying to find ways that she could contact me somehow... keep waiting, hoping, praying that she will. I just want things to go back to the way they were...

 

I re-started to stopwatch but I feel like a failure already.

 

She's such a ****ing liar. I don't even understand why I feel this way.

 

It's hard. I know it's hard. I started my stopwatch and I've been thinking about him. You can't let go of someone you love so easily. It takes time, and we need to realize that. You will miss her, but if you're saying shes a liar, then remember all that she has done to you. Remember all the times that she has lied to you and manipulated you. Remember the times that she has hurt you so bad. Remember how she seemed happy with that other guy and how it took but a moment for her to cheat on you. Remember all this, and fuel yourself to not contact her. ((((HUGS))))