Howcouldyou26 Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 (edited) So long story short..MM and I are ten years apart. He has been married for 14 years..and it was his high school sweatheart. They have two young children that I have met but only as Daddy's friend. I would never cross that line. Well I have been involved with the MM for three years. Quite frankly I have had enough. He has hurt me more times then I can count and this it both our first affair and my last ever I never wanted this...but this is how it started. We both worked at the same career field. We were initially good friends but it progressed. I was going through a divorce in a physically abusive marriage and I left it.. So unfortunately he caught me. Well three years and it has been Heck..on and off..him going back and forth telling me he wants to be with me and then stays married..Never divorced but he moved out of the house only to another family member's house. But he never quite let it go. When I asked and begged and set date's he would make an excuse. Him and W...They have no good communication and only for the kids..I know this because I'm not going to lie I use to check his phone and emails. But he swears they stay for the kids..It's always the main excuse which I can understand. **Btw he justifies his excuses for going back and trying to figure himself out..When I get upset about it he tells me I'm wrong for acting like that..** Well in the past year I left the same career to get away from him and he still finds me and pulls me in..He's selfish..and I'm too gullable to fall for it. Well this past few months we both been different. The past few weeks it's been bad fights have been worse between us. He dropped a bomb on me on his bday saying he wants to figure out things and just left me in the cold. Yet would tell me that he doesn't think he can give me what I want..Grant it I don't have a family or kids. But he doesn't think he can give it..He is in his 30's and I'm alot younger. After 3 years he still can't decide to leave his marriage...So then I found out lately that he went out with his W and kids..He use to tell me everything and lately. I just find stuff out because I get a "hunch" he hurt me more then ever. I told him I don't want to be a pawn in his game. But he just tells me how bad he needs to figure himself out..It took him this long to realize that...while I have been through hell and back..What am I doing...After that final blow..I told him I'm done...I've said this many times but I really feel I want to get away badly. It's destructing me to the point I feel damaged..So my questions how did you guys do it? I want to leave the city but I can't right now and he does like to hunt me down which we have quite the career history involving "laws". I won't say much more..but I left my job more then just getting away but it caused drama too. Anyway..I'm just hurt and I don't want to keep going back..I know he is just dragging his feet...I pray that I just get out and away from it...Anything? Please don't type hate that is not what I'm looking for..I know i'm in the wrong..I've read these threads for years but was too chicken to talk..I just want to know how anyone else walked away????? Edited July 29, 2012 by Howcouldyou26 Add on
BetrayedH Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 If you've been reading here for years then you know that the answer is to go no contact. I haven't gone thru that experience myself but if necessary, you sever all means of communication. Change phone numbers, block emails, set them to auto-delete. Send a no contact message if you haven't done so and then NEVER RESPOND again. It takes time for the obsessive thoughts to pass but the longer you go, the better you will feel (similar to breaking an addiction). But every time you go back, you start over at square one. Mental NC is also a good idea. When you find yourself thinking of him, redirect your thoughts. Imagine a stop sign in your mind and make a left turn. You know this is the right decision. Now follow-thru. 2
Spark1111 Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Look, he didn't catch you, he didn't pull you back in. You willingly chose this path and have accepted his inability to make a choice for the sake of the kids. That works with you, so he keeps dangling that carrot to keep the affair going. Now, out of sight, he is finding it easier to fight with you, maybe find the courage to break up with you and rededicate himself to his wife. Three years? He isn't leaving, so it's time for you to pull the trigger, stop communicating with this MM, and find a man who will make you his number one priority in his life. 4
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Go get some counselling to help you become stronger so you can stay away from him. Whatever you've been doing isn't working and you allow him to manipulate you, suck you back in. He isn't going to stop so you must learn how to not cave. This is your life - If you have had enough, you'll find the inner strength to stay away. 2
Ladydrib Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 You know you need to tap into strength which you've been unable to find. I use the analogy, it is like an addiction (not saying it's not love - it probably is love you feel) but imagine having and addiction. Let's call it smoking. You find the strength to not buy anymore. You find the strength to avoid places where smoke is. But then the cigarettes sprout a mind of their own. They decide "no way - you are not going to stop smoking me!". Then they find you. Well that breaks your barrier of strength because what 'was' working was avoidance on your part. But once it comes back, avoidance is no longer effective. So there lies the problem. A problem which raises the question, what new strategy can you design, to make sure you remain effective in your decision to not play this cat and mouse game anymore when he comes back again. Some things for you to consider when trying to find the strategy that will work for you. 1. You are young. This is great news! So you've wasted three years on this bs. Well, cut your losses, accept those three years are gone. But look at the fact that you are at an age where you have many options of men out there. Keep in mind, the age thing is not about your age or how well or poorly you age, it's about the fact that the pool of fish gets smaller and smaller as time goes on, because people are getting married! And if you wait too long, you will get to a point where you only have younger men left, which sucks because as you get older you will find young men seem like little boys. Yuck. So get out while you still have a higher number of options!! 2. There is a pattern here. You know it. You see it. And it's why you're mad at yourself and calling yourself gullible. Use this knowledge to make predictions. Your predictions will likely be correct. This will give you the strength to believe in your intuition. believing in you're intuition will make it harder for him to F with you're head. So when he comes back making promises, hopefully you'll see right through them and send him walking. Don't let this man steal your life. He knows you've allowed the affair and just like if a wife allows it, a man will continue to live that way. He's not the man for you. Bottom line. Unless you want to spend your life in an affair and chasing hopes. But I hear from you that you are sick of it. And why wouldn't you be? You can do this. You can. You can. It's not easy, but you will. He will never be what you want. And you know that. So don't ever doubt what you know. 2
scatterd Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 As you have read here Men do use the children for not leaving. He wants to have his cake and eat it too soyou need to go NC and stay that way. You are also youngand have a whole life ahead of you. Find another manthat is single and can offer more. If he wanted out he would be out. Let him take care of everything he needs to before even considering being with him. Good Luck 2
Author Howcouldyou26 Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 Thank you all for the replies. I mean yes I've read many stories similiar to mine but to actually come out and say Look tell me like it is. I needed it. I know it but it's just putting it as the final straw. I read over it and think well what am I doing I sound like a fool and after the responses. I do like the suggestions and so I will follow suite. Life goes on this was a huge mistake. Now I just need to learn to ignore it and move on. Yet all I want to do is rub in his face how bad he hurt me this time and fight with him. But it's really going to do no good. I blocked him out...Time will tell...thank you again.
Happyface Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Sometimes, it takes several attemps, even years to let go of an A partner. Somebody breaks NC then it all begins again and so the cycle goes on and on. I have no doubt that he will push your boundaries again so fortify them as much as you can. There are many helpful, very supportive people here willing to write and give you the benefit of their experiences. Come here often, Happyface. ps It is a much more OW/OM friendly place than it was a few years ago... but maybe you already realise that.
hermione08 Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 I have broken NC a couple of times in the past and now I'm in my - - hopefully - final NC. It is very difficult to stick to it for several reasons. Many have mentioned that it is exactly like a substance addiction. Ultimately though, you come to realize that it's not worth wasting your time on a person who, even if free, would not be right for you. Would you ever fully trust/respect a man who's behaved like your MM? I don't think so. Hang onto this thought and start changing your life. Hugs
Author Howcouldyou26 Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 Thank you once again for your input because you are right it takes years to get away. I know we done this roller coaster so many times in the past three years that it got old this time. Yet it'll be a week since NC. However, he has tried to text me asking if he needs to do things for me around the house. Knowing him if I don't answer he will bust his way over. I just replied a simple NO. Then he gets the hint...Or he'll text me some paragraph thing of man you're really doing this and this is hard and guess I'll go sit at a bar by myself. Once I sent the picture of his text message when I found out he was with his wife. And I kept it ever since...just to show him "I'm very hurt". In the meantime I'm trying to keep myself busy with work and my studies. I even picked up working out and trying to get my old body back. I've also started talking to the plain public again as in guys who have flirted with me in the past but I was too scared to talk back. I know that moving on I need to move myself out as well. The more I think of it..he will always stay.and being in bed alone is just the norm for me..but why does it have to be this way..I can have that special someone who will make me number one not two....It's hard but I feel better this time around like something is different? I don't dread miss him..I just miss him a little at how helpful he was or just the friend company hahaha..but I'm good.
Author Howcouldyou26 Posted August 4, 2012 Author Posted August 4, 2012 So..Last nite I decided to go out and drink with friends. Well He called me and I answered but I started to fight with him. He hung up end of that. Today I'm running errands and I had company over. Well I get a text from MM as to You have company over. I was like and stop stalking, so company leaves and I'm getting ready to leave and guess who walks in my house unannounced. I felt steam in my ears. As he was begging and crying that he misses my friendship. I screamed at him to get out of my house. I yelled at how much he lied and hurt me. So then he made digs at me saying I only wanted his money, and he will find someone else that loves him and that he's going back home. I started clapping and said "Thank you!" He got livid and blocked me from leaving. That I just yelled hurtful things and told him to stop being controlling. I yelled it's been over...then he said another cover story how some girl has been bugging him to do gross things with her for the past two weeks.I said and you hid that from me too. Wow you just get better, As he walked I screamed at least I was a paid HO for you...after that this is big for me. He called me crying to my voicemail but I didnt care. I wish he'd just leave me be.
BetrayedH Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 My gut says that this may actually be helpful to you. You get some sense of closure by telling him off and, by virtue of him being a dickwad, you get to remember him as a dickwad rather than in some nostalgic fashion. While certainly a bit traumatic, I hope this makes NC easier for you. But you do need to stop engaging him. Period. Now is the time to make it final. Good luck. 2
Author Howcouldyou26 Posted August 4, 2012 Author Posted August 4, 2012 Actually I hate the crying it does nothing but make me look at him as Pathetic really. Lol and Yes I agree I been fine remaining NC but this one is like a bee if he don't get his way. So staying angry is working and that's how he left it. I also was able to block his number and emails!
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