Suddenly thinking about cheating...

[usernamecrazy]

First of all I've been married for eight years and we've had an okay relationship for the most part except for one thing. My husband confessed he was a sex addict a few years ago, he couldn't stay away from porn and this basically turned into me walking in on him naked with another girl "trying" to have sex (he was too drunk to get it in).

 

I was heart broken and angry, felt betrayed etc. I was never mean to him about it though and he was extremely sorry... He really was. We went to counseling he's gotten help and basically goes to AA for sex addicts once a week. He doesn't even allow himself to have internet access at home, he has had me lock all the computers... he's changed and it wasn't overnight but he has been a good husband the past couple of years.

 

I have never once thought about cheating on him, ever. I find him attractive and he tries hard to be a good husband.

 

I just started a new job about a month ago as an engineer, so I am one of the only females around the office (who is not an overweight receptionist) and I've had a lot of men hit on me. I am on the younger side (26), and there is this one guy who has been really nice, we had to take a three day training over something really boring and he started talking to me every chance he could... we talked for a few days during this training and he eventually asked me if I was married at which point I said yes. I asked him if he was married and he said he was divorced....

 

So here is the thing, this guy is funny, okay looking, probably 10 years older than me and I don't know why but I have been thinking about him a lot. I have never thought about someone in this way since I've met my husband and obviously its not a good thing.

 

I just keep rationalizing an affair or even just making out with this guy and I can't stop thinking about it, I'm completely disinterested in my husband and I've found myself getting annoyed and kind of grumpy with him. I don't know whats gotten in to me or how to kills this thing but I just want it to go away. Rationally I can see that this is stupid and I don't know this person well enough to do anything crazy that would jeopardize a marriage we've both worked really hard on but emotionally I can't stop daydreaming about having sex with this guy... I feel like I've got a little devil on one side of my shoulder telling me I've got a freebee because of all the crap he had put me through in the past... which I know isn't right, but how do I go back to normal and forget about this guy and start liking my husband again?

[whichwayisup]

Don't do it. Enjoy the flirting for what it is, the ego feed.

 

You also don't want to be the married girl in the office who sleeps with their co workers. Good way to ruin your reputation in a man's world where you work. You say there aren't many females in your Dept, so DO NOT go sleeping with the guy.

 

Focus your energy on your husband. Go out on dates. Reconnect with him and remember what you have to lose if you choose the cheating path.

[starryeyed12]

Don't do it. Maybe this disinterest still has to do with the cheating. What a terrible thing to live with. Many a woman would never take this sort of man back. Your forgiveness is admirable. Don't ruin your reputation for this co worker. You will be branded with the scarlet letter always if you do it, and its not worth it for a momentary pleasure. Be stronger than that. Work it out w your husband or get out. You don't need to stay with him if you are miserable. You can choose to stay or go, the choice is always there. You are not trapped. But you will be trapped with a bad reputation and guilt if you cheat.

[OsiStruck]

The grass isn't always greener on the other side.... just might get your Karma in return.... now is it still worth it?

[TaraMaiden]

 

I just keep rationalizing an affair or even just making out with this guy and I can't stop thinking about it,

 

G.I.G.S.

 

I'm completely disinterested in my husband and I've found myself getting annoyed and kind of grumpy with him.

Resentment.

 

I don't know whats gotten in to me or how to kills this thing but I just want it to go away

Guilt.

 

Rationally I can see that this is stupid and I don't know this person well enough to do anything crazy that would jeopardize a marriage we've both worked really hard on

Common sense.

 

but emotionally I can't stop daydreaming about having sex with this guy...

Temptation.

 

I feel like I've got a little devil on one side of my shoulder telling me I've got a freebee because of all the crap he had put me through in the past...

 

QED.

 

which I know isn't right, but how do I go back to normal and forget about this guy and start liking my husband again?

 

You don't.

"Back to normal" doesn't exist.

You can't erase the stuff that's happened, and go back to a state you once knew because everything that has gone on since then, has transformed 'normal' into 'changed for good.'

 

This takes counselling because you've lost love for your H. so you need a professional to oversee a dialogue between the two of you to see whether you can move forward and construct a new marriage from old pieces - or whether things are too far gone for it to ever work again, and cut your (joint) losses.

Counselling isn't designed to keep people together.

It's designed to level the playing field.

 

 

Originally Posted by OsiStruck

The grass isn't always greener on the other side.... just might get your Karma in return....

That's nothing to do with Karma... Karma means 'Action' not 'Consequence'... Karma is what you do, not what comes back and bites you on the ass.... Karma doesn't do that.

You're not punished for your actions, you're punished BY them.

[sendme]

as someone who has cheated and been cheated on... don't do it...

 

If you are unhappy with your husband, the affair is only going to make it more complicated. This divided feeling you have of knowing you shouldn't do it but wanting to... it will only continue, and it will get worse. The guilt you feel will be based on real actions... and you will feel even more torn.

 

I am the pot calling the kettle black, but if nothing else learn from the situation I've been living in. Trying to decide between two men you are involved with only gets harder once you become intimate and start dating.... seriously... decide first whether or not you want to be with your husband, and if you decide to divorce, then move on to dating. But cheating will only drag way more damage and drama into things.

 

Furthermore, do you really want to leave your husband, who cheated on you, for a guy who shows no respect for another man's marriage (again I am the pot calling the kettle black because I'm staying with my bf who cheated on me with a married woman), but truthfully, if he doesn't respect your marriage, do you think he'd respect a relationship between the two of you?

 

I know this has already been mentioned, but it is oh so true, if you sleep with him, he will tell someone at the office... it will get around... that's how these things work, and although you two probably think you're being discreet I would bet other co-workers have already noticed the "friendly" behavior you are demonstrating... don't be that girl, the one who craps where she eats.... not only will having the affair create drama for your marriage but having it at work will create drama for your job... you'll never have a respite... I wish I could find the post now.. but earlier this week someone posted on here about cheating with a co-worker and wanting to break it off, but she didn't feel like she could because it would create drama at work... find that post... and imagine it is yourself writing it, because it will be...

[usernamecrazy]

You guys are all right its a bad idea. I know it is, and I have never dealt with these feelings before. I just don't know whats wrong with me. I know its the worst idea ever but I still just keep thinking about it. Its been two years since my husband has cheated on me and I feel like it's just suddenly now affecting me... I don't know why but I am dealing with all of this resentment towards him and he has not done anything wrong since then.

 

I want to sleep with this guy at work more than anything, knowing that it would not be a long term thing. Its a terrible idea for several reasons but I feel like I'm out of control, kind of out of my mind. I'm not someone who is very sexual... and don't think about this kind of thing ever, but I am thinking about it every couple of seconds. I just want to be put out of my misery at this point and I don't know what that entails.

[2sunny]

You guys are all right its a bad idea. I know it is, and I have never dealt with these feelings before. I just don't know whats wrong with me. I know its the worst idea ever but I still just keep thinking about it. Its been two years since my husband has cheated on me and I feel like it's just suddenly now affecting me... I don't know why but I am dealing with all of this resentment towards him and he has not done anything wrong since then.

 

I want to sleep with this guy at work more than anything, knowing that it would not be a long term thing. Its a terrible idea for several reasons but I feel like I'm out of control, kind of out of my mind. I'm not someone who is very sexual... and don't think about this kind of thing ever, but I am thinking about it every couple of seconds. I just want to be put out of my misery at this point and I don't know what that entails.

 

You need to quit that job!

 

It's only going to get worse if you stay! Quit tomorrow.

[TaraMaiden]

You guys are all right its a bad idea. ....I just don't know whats wrong with me.

There's nothing wrong with you.

what's happened is that rather than putting it all behind you, you have never truly dealt with the issue head on, and confronted it - rather, you've gotten mad, THOUGHT you had dealt with it - but actually, just suppressed the anger, and shoved it under the emotional carpet....

 

I know its the worst idea ever but I still just keep thinking about it. Its been two years since my husband has cheated on me and I feel like it's just suddenly now affecting me... I don't know why but I am dealing with all of this resentment towards him and he has not done anything wrong since then.

Three important questions:

 

• Did he apologise?
  
• Did you forgive him?
  
• Do you now trust him 100%?
  

 

I want to sleep with this guy at work more than anything, knowing that it would not be a long term thing. Its a terrible idea for several reasons but I feel like I'm out of control, kind of out of my mind. I'm not someone who is very sexual... and don't think about this kind of thing ever, but I am thinking about it every couple of seconds. I just want to be put out of my misery at this point and I don't know what that entails.

 

I'll tell you what it entails - but it's the hardest thing you'll ever do, if indeed you opt to do it:

 

Admit it to your Husband.

Do not apportion blame for how you feel, and why you're tempted.

Do not hold his actions responsible for how you are feeling today.

Tell him they're a factor, but don't make it sound as if it's his fault - enable him to understand that you find that actually, you obviously never processed the full extent of the impact his affair had on you - and you fully recognise that this is YOUR problem.

 

Then tell him you believe you guys would benefit from counselling, because you hate feeling this way, and you realise there are no feelings for this guy - it's purely and simply based on stuff you need to work through.

 

you may actually discover this admission to him will begin the healing and forgiving process, right there....

 

It may take some balls to step up to the plate - but really, on the face of it, what you have to lose by doing it, is less than if you went ahead and screwed this other guy.

[venusianx13]

I cheated on my ex-boyfriend/ex-fiance of 5 years who had cheated on me. I thought it was justified. It ended up making me feel worse, and it compounded an already awful situation. It was the final nail in the coffin for the relationship, which I ended up being grateful for, but in hindsight, I wish I had found the strength to end the relationship in a healthy way. This was on me, and it was wrong.

 

If you are feeling the need to cheat for pure revenge, you need to leave the marriage.

If you are feeling the need to cheat becauseyour needs are not being met due to your inability to be intimate with your husband after what he's done (understandable, really!) you need to leave the marriage.

If you can truly forgive him and can close the door on this temptation to cheat, stay.

 

I'm sorry for the pain you must be feeling...

[usernamecrazy]

I really appreciate everyones feedback and suggestions. I have stopped talking to this other guy, and haven't done anything inappropriate. I knew this was wrong but was just overwhelmed with the urge to do it anyways. I'm glad that I didn't act on these terrible feelings. Looking back at this situation I think that because my husband and I have very different schedules and rarely see each other getting attention from another attractive man felt nice. Somehow I bunched together this loneliness and all of these old feelings of resentment towards my husband and ended up barely being able to control myself.

[2sunny]

I really appreciate everyones feedback and suggestions. I have stopped talking to this other guy, and haven't done anything inappropriate. I knew this was wrong but was just overwhelmed with the urge to do it anyways. I'm glad that I didn't act on these terrible feelings. Looking back at this situation I think that because my husband and I have very different schedules and rarely see each other getting attention from another attractive man felt nice. Somehow I bunched together this loneliness and all of these old feelings of resentment towards my husband and ended up barely being able to control myself.

 

You need to quit. You don't even trust yourself around him.

 

Staying may b the end of your M. Are you willing to risk your M for this job?

[slovek]

Its wrong to have an affair or cheat. If you love your husband then you shouldnt cheat on him, cos you know how hurt that feels. But its your choice.

[stillafool]

Have you thought about a divorce?

[2sunny]

Did you quit the job?

[usernamecrazy]

@ 2 Sunny, no I did not quit my job. It just is not an option right now. I worked really hard to get this job and I know that money isn't everything, but I would need to have another job lined up in order to leave or we would have MAJOR financial problems. With the economy the way it is where I live it will take a while, but I'm looking.

 

This guy doesn't work in my area so I don't run into him often. However, I actually saw him as I was leaving for the day on Friday... I was exiting the building and he was entering. I didn't even see him, so when he stopped me and talked to me for a few minutes it threw me off guard. The bizarre thing is that my husband was picking me up from work and was sitting in the car right in front of the building watching this take place.

 

( I saw my husband waiting in the car and was heading straight for him when the other guy stopped me. My husband picking me up from work is like a twice in a lifetime thing which is why this is so bizarre, and I hadn't seen this guy in like a week because I'd been trying to avoid him, and there are a lot of people that work there- it is a very large company so the probability of this situation is like 1/100,000,000.)

 

My husband is not the jealous type and I know he trusts me but I thought it was weird that he immediately asked me who this guy was and said I seemed stressed while I was talking to him. I just said it was a guy I work with and I was in a hurry because I saw him waiting there...

 

I have been thinking about the root causes of this irrational behavior and I know I am lonely and tired of the ridiculous hours my husband works. We only have two days off a month together, I work M-F in the day and he works a weird overnight compressed schedule. I am tired of going to bed alone and being at work before he even gets home from work...

 

It's really hard to get all this nice attention from this other guy because I start thinking about and justifying things because my husband has cheated on me in the past. (I know thats not how it works you don't need to remind me). And I love my husband but I'm lonely and I want someone to go to sleep with at night its been to long. He's had this schedule for the 8 years we've been married and I put off starting my career because I knew a M-F job would not work with his schedule ... I finally did it anyways and it is turning out to be a disaster.

 

The other thing is I've told my husband that this schedule isn't working. (Have not told him about this guy though) I've brought it up several times about how it is going to strain our marriage and I am unhappy with the small amount of time we see each other and being alone all night, every night. The thing is that he works at a company that has DIFFERENT shifts. They have day shifts. I work at a company where everyone has to work 8-5 no matter what. He would lose like 10% of his pay if he moved to working in the day but we could probably afford that but he just makes up other excuses and won't even consider it. So then I feel bitter and lonely and start thinking about other options...

[awesomeusername]

G.I.G.S.

 

Resentment.

 

 

Guilt.

 

 

Common sense.

 

 

Temptation.

 

 

 

QED.

 

 

 

You don't.

"Back to normal" doesn't exist.

You can't erase the stuff that's happened, and go back to a state you once knew because everything that has gone on since then, has transformed 'normal' into 'changed for good.'

 

This takes counselling because you've lost love for your H. so you need a professional to oversee a dialogue between the two of you to see whether you can move forward and construct a new marriage from old pieces - or whether things are too far gone for it to ever work again, and cut your (joint) losses.

Counselling isn't designed to keep people together.

It's designed to level the playing field.

 

 

 

That's nothing to do with Karma... Karma means 'Action' not 'Consequence'... Karma is what you do, not what comes back and bites you on the ass.... Karma doesn't do that.

You're not punished for your actions, you're punished BY them.

 

TaraMaiden always says it best! Are you a writer? You always know what to say even though sometimes it's the cold hard truth, you always say it perfectly. I admire you!