stop my divorce

[OWENRICH]

does the program called stop your divorce really work? my wife is wanting a divorce and is not wiling to try to go to counsiling to save a 5 year marriage and a 3 year old son.

 

does it work is it worth it to purchase???

[StartingAgain]

No it doesn't. It's just another scam to get money out of people like you who are hurting and grasping at straws. I'll tell you like my marriage therapist told me, when after months of trying to bring my wife around in therapy had failed. I went to see the therapist alone and she told me that once a woman decides she want a divorce, there is almost nothing that can be done to change her mind. This is because, by the time a woman utters the words "I want a divorce," she had already made up her mind some time before and has already emotionally divorced you. She no longer loves you and she'd finished. A divorce can only be stopped if a couple recognizes their problems and decide to resolve them while there is still a loving bond between them. This is why one of the first goals of marital therapy is to initially deemphasize the problems and reestablish intimacy. Once the couple are feeling love again, they are motivated to resolve their problems in a healthy way.

 

Unfortunately, you are married to a foolish woman. Yes, I said foolish. She's throwing a five year marriage when she has a three year old son. I don't care what her reasons are. Unless you are abusing her or are out there screwing around and not taking care of your family, she has no justifiable reason for a divorce. In my opinion, if there are children involved, a divorce should be nearly impossible to get.

 

Question for you. Which one of you wanted to have a child so soon after marriage? You'be been married only five years and have a three year old. This means your wife became pregnant when you had been married only about 15 months. That's pretty darned soon unless there was an accident.

[Samson]

I went to see the therapist alone and she told me that once a woman decides she want a divorce, there is almost nothing that can be done to change her mind. This is because, by the time a woman utters the words "I want a divorce," she had already made up her mind some time before and has already emotionally divorced you.

 

I'm curious to ask divorced female thread readers if they agree with this therapist or not?

 

MOIMEME?

[StartingAgain]

It would be interesting you hear what women say about this. My therapist, BTW, is a woman, with two PhDs in psychology, has 32 years of clinical experience, and is professor of clinical psychology at a local university. She isn't a lightweight.

 

As it tuns out, my ex finally admitted recently that she had decided to go for the divorce shortly after she started seeing her OM. But she didn't tell me about this until eight months later. Six of those months we were in therapy with the therapist telling her every week that she wasn't cooperating. The therapist knew that she was probably lying about having broken off her affair, but they can't really go there in couples therapy. The ethics of their profession dictate that they never recommend divorce. I know my therapist was hard-pressed on this issue. I went to see her alone (my wife said she didn't see the point in continuing). I was asked how much longer I was going to put myself through this; that my health was deteriorating. She said my wife's behavior was consistent with that of a woman having an affair, despite her protestations that the relationship was over. That's all she said about the matter. A week later, I was hit with divorce papers. I could not believe that my wife had been lying to me until my attorney obtained cell phone records showing the regular calls to her OM over the proceeding eight months. Then when she moved out, he moved into her new place within a week. The therapist was dead-on correct. As it turned out, my ex has started seeing a divorce attorney four months before I she told me she wanted a divorce. So my therapist was right about that, too.

[Matilda]

Originally posted by Samson

I went to see the therapist alone and she told me that once a woman decides she want a divorce, there is almost nothing that can be done to change her mind. This is because, by the time a woman utters the words "I want a divorce," she had already made up her mind some time before and has already emotionally divorced you.

 

I'm curious to ask divorced female thread readers if they agree with this therapist or not?

 

Hmm, interesting, I am also curious to hear what other women will say. I think it might be true though.

 

When I divorced my first husband, it was true for me, but my situation was a little different, in that my husband physically abused me shortly after we were married. I told myself, and him, that if it happened again our marriage was done. In the mean time, we went to therapy, seperately and together, and then a year and a half later, it happened again and that was it.

 

For me, it was almost like someone turned a switch, I had absolutely no feeling left for him at that point. And there were also a lot of other things that happened during that year and a half, that made me realize it would be very difficult to make our marriage work. (Basically, we were too different.) So, by the time the second incident happened, I had absolutely no doubt we needed to divorce. He still had some hope we could work things out, but I knew we were done.

[StartingAgain]

year and a half later, it happened again and that was it.

 

Just as an aside, there's some kid on another thread who is involved with am emontinally abusive woman. They've been together four whole months and he loves her so much and want's to help her change. Several of us have tried to warn him off, but he's in a fog. I wish he could sit down and have a talk with you, Matilda. Only people who have been in an abusive relationship can tell someone like him just what a mistake he's making not to run like hell.

[Matilda]

Starting again- Thanks for the heads up. I will look for the post.

[Goldmund2004]

I will tellyou that for the most part it is crap. He has a few good points--first off, be selfish with money. Open a separate checking account right now with only your name on it and if you have direct deposit at work have your paychecks shifted to that. Once they talk to a lawyer women going through a divorce get infected with the idea that they can figure out how to live the rest of their lives sitting by the pool sipping drinks during the week between botox treatments and facials if they play their cards right. If you have bills together, pay them so your credit doesn't go to hell. This is probably the only good point and the one good thing I did for myself during the initial separation process. She will be a basket case after you've separated for a while and she will be really bad with money, which will further motivate her to take as much of yours as she can. Don't let her send you into bankruptcy too. Do not be fooled--even in Washington, my state, which is a "no fault" state and has no alimony but "spousal maintenance", you can and will get screwed if you are not careful.

 

SEcondly, if she says she wants a divorce have your lawyer present her with papers or have you both meet with lawyers to educate yourselves on the process. I disagree with this because it will only hasten the process, and force you to do things you might not be ready to. I suggest you spend some time really thinking about what is happening, letting yourself feel the horrible range of emotions and not to act on anything unless you are thinking clearly. Get a lawyer, and play defense--let her go on the offense but do not make any decisions or sign onto anything without a lawyer.

 

Tell her how you feel, but if you've gotten to this point something has poisoned her mind. I am of the opinion that there are 3 good reasons to get a divorce--adultery, abuse, and the commission of a felony. Every other reason is a purely selfish, hateful, feminism-induced and socially destructive reason and is more often than not due to adultery, but if you live in a state where this can be grounds for divorce then she will never, ever admit to it. Instead, make a vow of celibacy until the whole thing is over and do not drink and drive.

 

Stop your divorce dot com is dot crap. Have faith in yourself, man. I feel for you. It's going to be the hardest thing you've ever done. IF you can figure out a way to stop your divorce, it will be the right way for you and her and no one else, and I pray you are successful. Prayer might be a good place to start.

[StartingAgain]

Open a separate checking account right now with only your name on it and if you have direct deposit at work have your paychecks shifted to that.

 

It is better to consult an attorney before taking any action. While the central premis of this statement is correct in that the first step in a divorce is to separate finances, it cannot be done unilaterally. In my state, as in most, it is illegal to start moving money around, opening new accounts that the spouse to which doesn't have access unless there is a written, signed and notorized agreement to do so. But this constitutes a portion of the property settlement, and isn't something you do at the start. My ex opened a separate checking account and had her pay check direct deposited to it *before* she told me about her intention to file for divorce. There were transfers of funds from savings, several checks written, but no payee recorded, etc. My attorney told me that under no circumstance was I to move any money, reassign any assets, or purchase anything of value until a property settlement had been filed with the court. I turned over bank statement to her and requested copies of those questionable checks. Turns out they she had written them to herself and the amount totaled some $5000. When she filed for divorce, she had to file an affidavit that she had not transferred any money without my expressed written consent within the preceeding 120 days and ws enjoined by the court from doing so until a property settlement had been filed. In other wordss, she purjured herself. I never told her, but my lawyer had her by the short hairs. Had she not backed down from some of her unreasonable demands, my lawyer would have turned my records over to the court, and my ex would have found herself in jail.

 

let her go on the offense but do not make any decisions or sign onto anything without a lawyer.

 

Absolutely right. The day I was served with divorce papers, I was told that I had 72 hours to sign and return three documents: Notice of Service, Waiver of Right to Councel, and a Consent to Try. My wife actually served me with the papers so that I would be spared the embarassment and to save the solicitor's fee. She told me her lawyer had to have them back the next day. I refused to sign them on the spot, but took them to my attorney. I was told that it was a damned good thing I did this. My lawyer asked im my wife had tried to start an argument the night before. She had and ask how she, my lawyer knew? She told me it was a standarddivorce lawyer's trick. They know that the man is reeling, distraught and not thinking clearly. So give him the papers, piss him off, and he just might say "oh screw this! I don't need this crap!" and sign them. My lawyer picked up the phone, called my ex's lawyer, identified herself and told the other that we acknowledged service. She then ripped the Waiver of Right to Councel in half and dropped in iin the waste basket, saying that not only was that unnecessary, but a pretty s***ty unethical trick. She held up the Conset to Try and told me under no circumstatnces was that document to be signed until a property settlement had been files and accepted by the court. Had I signed that document, my ex's attorney could have scheduled a final hearing on the case and presented a property settlement that I'd never seen, much less agreed to; yet, I'd be bound by it. She told me that the only thing that had to be done within 72 hours was acknowledge service and that she'd just done that. I was not required to sign the Consent to Try until I was satisfied with all aspects of the divorce agreements -- and that could be tomorrow or five years from now. I was then instructed on how to go home and present my wife with my counter proposal to the outrageous and unsupportable demands to the property settlement. I was told I was being too generous, but that would work in my favor should litigation become necessary. Essentially, I was to be cold and very businsesslike, tell my ex what I would agree to and that there would be no further negotiations on these points. Either accept or I would be filing a counter complaint refuting her allegations, presenting allegations of my own, and petitioning the court to make my ex responsible for my legal fees. The divorce would cost her a small fortune by the time my lawyer was finished. There was to be no arguing about anything. Indeed, until the time she leaves, argue about nothing. If she starts up, simply leave for awhile. Don't take the bait.

 

This worked. My ex met with her lawyer the next day and came home to tell me that she was "accpeting my generous settlement offer." That's better.

 

there are 3 good reasons to get a divorce--adultery, abuse, and the commission of a felony. Every other reason is a purely selfish, hateful, feminism-induced and socially destructive reason

 

You're damned right! Though, I'd add one or two more reasons and limit the adultry cause to *sustained* aldultry. A one-night stand shouldn't be sufficient grounds. The no-fault divorce needs to be eliminated. Divorce should be very hard to get and when children involved, nearly impossible. The divorce laws in this country were reformed to make it easier for women to get out of abusive marriages. But like everything else, we went way overboard and it's now ripping at the fabric of our society. It's got to the point to where no one really expects to be married until "death us do part." The whole marriage vow has become a joke.

 

Once they talk to a lawyer women going through a divorce get infected with the idea that they can figure out how to live the rest of their lives sitting by the pool sipping drinks during the week between botox treatments and facials if they play their cards right.

 

Also correct. My next door neighbor is living proof of this. When she was married, she worked and dumped her kids in day care. When she divorced, she was able to quit work, got the house, the car, and doesn't want for anything. Ex-hubby pays for it all. Four four years now he's been picking up the tab for her entire life. I don't know why she divorced him. She may have had good cause. But while he needs to support his children, he shouldn't have to support her.

[HokeyReligions]

There are way to many qualifiers to make a blanket statement like "all women...."

 

We don't know the people or circumstances involved. I said I wanted a divorce, and even though we are going through with it, I'm still wavering. Some of the people I've talked to in counseling and people I know or have worked with, have begun a divorce and were able to save their marriages. Others did divorce and then remarry. Others remained divorced.

 

OWENRICH, try <removed> and read the information. Does any of it pertain to you? You might find some helpful information there for coping. Try divorcesource.com (I can't provide the link because its a commercial site) but you can search for it and you will find links to a wide variety of materials for people who want to stop their divorce; encourage their spouse to go to counseling; find a counseling center; cope with a definate divorce; child custody, and lots of other sources. Many of these books may be available at a library if you don't want to buy them. You could also try some of the larger bookstores like Barnes & Nobel that have tables and chairs where you can sit and really look through the books before deciding on which one to purchase.

 

Also, if your company has an EAP you may be able to find some help there. Good Luck

[StartingAgain]

Some of the people I've talked to in counseling and people I know or have worked with, have begun a divorce and were able to save their marriages. Others did divorce and then remarry. Others remained divorced.

 

You are right HR, some people go for divorce because they can see no other option -- until they learn that there are other, much better options. Marriagebuilders.com is a great place to start, since it helps you see how you got into such a mess and shows you a way out.

 

Other people, though simply won't even try. They won't go to counceling, they won't do MarriageBuilders. They don't have any real problems in their marriages. A woman in my office is one of these. She's been married six years now and is divorcing her husband. Her reason? "It's just not any fun any more." Another woman, who's drunken husband has been beating her for a few years now, and is also divorcing, is livid about the former woman's "horse crap, spoiled brat excuse for throwing away her marriage."