zanzi Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Am I focusing too much on the break up and not enough on whats really important, I wonder? It seems like the only reason I am still obbsessed by someone who has forgotten about me is low self esteem and a lack of focus on myself/uni/family/friends. When I was with Jay, it was all about us, in our world together. I guess coming out of that is what is painful and startling and first. We were unhappy, towards the end. But I thought, anything is better then losing Jay. I'm not happy, but I have to keep him. I kind of wish I'd broken up with him when I first realized that I found him annoying/immature/disrespectful of me at times/racist/sexist/obnoxious instead of holding onto the relationship because of my fear of being alone with myself. Instead, I kept trying. Now Im the one pining for our dead relationship when I remember many points at which I was on the brink of ending it. Desperate to get away from him in fact. Why do I want him back so badly now that I do not have him anymore, as a pose to when I had him I resented being loved, being comfortable, being happy. Misery is familiar to me. happiness is not. Did I just resent him as a person... maybe I am forgetting his annoying traits and remembering that time we went to the south island of new zealand together, and it was beautiful, or that time he got down on one knee in front of me, or that time he looked into my eyes with absolute love and tenderness iv'e never seen in another person before aimed directly at me and said " I love you very, very much." Or that time he said " your the love of my life. marry me." and I said " I will." being loved was nice. Safe. Too safe. I was too young to settle down. I took all these fears out on him, so he said **** you and left. Now he's probably with another girl, saying the same stuff to her. realizing shes better than I am. Not a mental bitch with depression who takes out her **** on him like I was. What a great way to be remembered... I realize all this makes me sound like a real c*nt.
Author zanzi Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 haha this whole post is focusing on the break up..... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Recommended Posts