BAne Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 I will try to give as much solid background as i can without giving you too much to read. I realize there is always more to the story. Please ask questions if you need more information. Basicly I have been dating someone on and off casualy for a number of years. Recently in the past few months this has become very serious. We are now throwing the L word around and talking about making big life changes in terms of taking the next steps including mariage The biggest issue right now for me in moving forward is that she is remains close friends with someone she also used to date on and off for years. At first she told me it had been more then five years since they had slept together. After further investigation and prodding her she admitted the last time they had been physical was more like two years ago. These two tal on a regular basis and have lunch, drinks etc. Well he was engaged for a year and now has broken it off. At least once a week he texts her with little messages pulling on her heart strings. She would defend it saying they are just friends and she only wnats to be with me. That she has a chance now to be with him and doesn't want it. Well last week he sent her a text saying he flat out missed her. She admitted this was maybe him pushing further then apropriate and responded with a text message that subtly sent a clear message she was happy with me. The other day he hit her up again. Asking when she's gonna move in with me trying to be charming and what not. She said, "did you expect me to never speak to the guy again? He is my firend, we have been through allot?" I said "do you expect to speak with him every week for the rest of our lives ?" She said, "is that unreasonable?" I don't want to control her but what is reasonable in a serious relationships when friends as exes are involved? This obviously a back burner move in my opinion. She has a history of going back to guys from the past (me and him included) when relationships aren't working out. She says it is differnt with me but shouldn't this situation be a big red flag for me? Last week he texted her saying he would put his jealosys aside and is glad she is happy. Yet a wekk later he chimes in again with the same cheesy lines. It is clear his intentions are more then friends. She has asked me what I think is reasonable in terms of handling this situation. I said I would think about it. Pleas advise.
Oxy Moronovich Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 No, no, no, how many times do I gotta say it? It's not cool to be friends with your ex. One or both parties is always harboring feelings. People who are friends with their ex won't admit this cuz it will put their "friendship" up as a sham. So they lie and say you'd be controlling or insecure for wanting your gf to tell the dude to take a hike up a volcano. If it bothers you now, it's gonna bother you a lot more as time goes on. If she gets into a major emotional argument with you, she run to the comforting arms of her ex (if not before then). If she can't ditch the ex then you need to ditch her. Comprende? 3
betterdeal Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 I don't want to control her but what is reasonable in a serious relationships when friends as exes are involved? This obviously a back burner move in my opinion. She has a history of going back to guys from the past (me and him included) when relationships aren't working out. You know that she lives like this, yet you still choose to be part of this. She has asked me what I think is reasonable in terms of handling this situation. I said I would think about it. Good call. Think about it. Decide what you want. Decide if you will tell her that or not. This is your life, we cannot tell you how to live it. You chose to be with someone who will leave you and go to someone else when times are tough. You can choose differently, and I believe you want something different, so the question really is, how are you going to get that? If we do the same things we get the same things. It's your call.
Author BAne Posted July 28, 2012 Author Posted July 28, 2012 (edited) So basicly give her an ultimatum? Or ask that she back him off keep in touch sporadicly. If that doesn't work ether it's him or me? It terms of her history she says it is differnt with me. She has never felt this way about someone before. That he is not a factor. Is this bull? Edited July 28, 2012 by BAne
Oxy Moronovich Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 So basicly give her an ultimatum? Or ask that she back him off keep in touch sporadicly. If that doesn't work ether it's him or me? It terms of her history she says it is differnt with me. She has never felt this way about someone before. That he is not a factor. Is this bull? You don't need to give out an aggressive ultimatum, "Either him or me!" Sorry if I worded it to make it seem like that. Sit down with her in a quiet area and talk about it like reasonable people, saying, "Babe, I feel uncomfortable with you hanging around with your ex. The way he acts kind to you and rude to me says he's jealous and still harboring feelings. He'll do whatever he can to get you away from me. So I want you to stop seeing him."
Author BAne Posted July 28, 2012 Author Posted July 28, 2012 (edited) Are there any women that have an opinion on this? What is a rational explanation for just simply not putting yourself in certain situations when in a relationship? Is it about respect? Is it about previnting things from happening? Edited July 28, 2012 by BAne
Author BAne Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 She has offered for me to meet and talk to him face to face
darkmoon Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 (edited) She has offered for me to meet and talk to him face to face and what is her desired outcome? forcing BAne to like the ex too? he might not and so what if he doesn't? and who is allowed to win? is BAne going to be expected to aquiece while the ex's happiness is central to the meeting? is BAne dating a closet spoiled brat? sorry, jus wondering the ex should go and find his own woman Edited July 29, 2012 by darkmoon
Author BAne Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 and who is allowed to win? is BAne going to be expected to aquiece while the ex's happiness is central to the meeting? I appreciate the food for thought but don't quite get these questions? You think she would be doing this for him? I would probably want a face to face more the him yeah?
darkmoon Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 (edited) I appreciate the food for thought but don't quite get these questions? You think she would be doing this for him? I would probably want a face to face more the him yeah? am a woman btw i don't know who thought of the meeting; but it's a tinderbox to me she is not putting the ex to one side, so far she has not, as if he matters to her in a certain way, but if you think the meeting will be ok then go maybe she wants you all to get on, but if i were in your shoes, i'd have trouble keeping my temper tbh, cuz he's an ex, hanging around, he should be moving on (much asking and messaging on Loveshack elsewhere supports this, the concensus ends up that an ex should buzz off) what is her desired outcome? has she said? Edited July 29, 2012 by darkmoon
Author BAne Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 i don't know who thought of the meeting; but it's a tinderbox to me she is not putting the ex to one side, so far she has not, as if he matters to her in a certain way, but if you think the meeting will be ok then go maybe she wants you all to get on, but if i were in your shoes, i'd have trouble keeping my temper tbh, cuz he's an ex, hanging around, he should be moving on (much asking and messaging on Loveshack elsewhere supports this, the concensus ends up that an ex should buzz off) what is her desired outcome? has she said? I think her desired outcome is for me to see that there is nothing to worry about. That's basicly what she said. Although his recent outright telling her he missed her is something new. She told things were great with me and she is happy. Then he says well I'm happy for you and I'll out my jealousies aside. Here's were I think he gets sneaky. he checks in with her again. "how's things? are you moving in with him etc." She's like things are good (some small talk mixed in which I hate because they have like little lingo of there own) and then he says AGAIN "Ok I'm glad your happy" Does he plan on doing this until he finaly gets her to say she is not happy? I'm babbling and maybe reading in to much now sorry. let me know thanks for your advise so far.
OsiStruck Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Save yourself the hassle... men and women can't be friends unless their shaking the sheets... trust me. I should have listened to my ex boyfriend when he told me this straight from the horses mouth. Good luck!
darkmoon Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 (edited) I think her desired outcome is for me to see that there is nothing to worry about. That's basicly what she said. Although his recent outright telling her he missed her is something new. She told things were great with me and she is happy. Then he says well I'm happy for you and I'll out my jealousies aside. Here's were I think he gets sneaky. he checks in with her again. "how's things? are you moving in with him etc." She's like things are good (some small talk mixed in which I hate because they have like little lingo of there own) and then he says AGAIN "Ok I'm glad your happy" Does he plan on doing this until he finaly gets her to say she is not happy? I'm babbling and maybe reading in to much now sorry. let me know thanks for your advise so far. sneaky then; and tbh if you feel that you have to toe her line, some would suggest an ultimatum, him or you, but i think your girl is just young, read some magazine article about freinds with exes and agreed with this dubious ideal, the ex is already a bit corrosive, or you wouldn't be asking us here she could try (you both could) advice from the bestseller book Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus and to do what's best for the relationship, and so to stop being confrontaional and start being ...??....<< she can fill in that gap with whatever she/you see fit Edited July 29, 2012 by darkmoon
ja123 Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 (edited) Are there any women that have an opinion on this? What is a rational explanation for just simply not putting yourself in certain situations when in a relationship? Is it about respect? Is it about previnting things from happening? I'm a woman. I agree with the 3 posts following your original, I haven't read the others yet. Perhaps some people can be friends with their exes, I'm not saying that is impossible, but what differentiates friends from romantic interests is intention, not only action. He clearly has a romantic interest in her. And, it seems, your gut is telling you that she has some residual romantic feelings for him. Trust your instinct! At the very least, she's using the guy as an ego-boost and to power trip on you. That doesn't sound like she loves you really and has your best interests at heart. Will she really have your back in an LTR, like the way a good LTR partner should? In fact, let me take it a step further. I simply don't trust people who can't be alone, or have to use others as ego boosts or back-up options. It makes me feel like, ultimately, I'm just a number. They're fickle, afterall, with not a lot of backbone, IMO. And when the going gets rough and, believe me, in any LTR there will be rough times ... then they're likely to bail. You need someone who'll put in as much investment into the relationship as you. Then the question falls back to you. Can you be alone? Can you face your inner void? Think about it. Otherwise, you may find that your compromising yourself in more ways than in the relationship department. The key to negotiating is being ready to walk. Can you? Edited July 29, 2012 by ja123 1
Scorpius Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 I will try to give as much solid background as i can without giving you too much to read. I realize there is always more to the story. Please ask questions if you need more information. Basicly I have been dating someone on and off casualy for a number of years. Recently in the past few months this has become very serious. We are now throwing the L word around and talking about making big life changes in terms of taking the next steps including mariage The biggest issue right now for me in moving forward is that she is remains close friends with someone she also used to date on and off for years. At first she told me it had been more then five years since they had slept together. After further investigation and prodding her she admitted the last time they had been physical was more like two years ago. These two tal on a regular basis and have lunch, drinks etc. Well he was engaged for a year and now has broken it off. At least once a week he texts her with little messages pulling on her heart strings. She would defend it saying they are just friends and she only wnats to be with me. That she has a chance now to be with him and doesn't want it. Well last week he sent her a text saying he flat out missed her. She admitted this was maybe him pushing further then apropriate and responded with a text message that subtly sent a clear message she was happy with me. The other day he hit her up again. Asking when she's gonna move in with me trying to be charming and what not. She said, "did you expect me to never speak to the guy again? He is my firend, we have been through allot?" I said "do you expect to speak with him every week for the rest of our lives ?" She said, "is that unreasonable?" I don't want to control her but what is reasonable in a serious relationships when friends as exes are involved? This obviously a back burner move in my opinion. She has a history of going back to guys from the past (me and him included) when relationships aren't working out. She says it is differnt with me but shouldn't this situation be a big red flag for me? Last week he texted her saying he would put his jealosys aside and is glad she is happy. Yet a wekk later he chimes in again with the same cheesy lines. It is clear his intentions are more then friends. She has asked me what I think is reasonable in terms of handling this situation. I said I would think about it. Pleas advise. Hey Bane it seems like you're in a interesting situation. It seems like her ex-boyfriend still has feelings for her and she still may have feelings for him. You already know of her history when relationships become busted. She may say that its different with you, but actions speak louder than words. She needs to PROVE that its different with you and that shes happy with you. It may be wise to meet her "friend" face to face and settle this situation in a respectful manner so that he'll know that she's in a good relationship and its time to let go!
Author BAne Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 . The key to negotiating is being ready to walk. Can you? yes but i figured try working it out first
betterdeal Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 So basicly give her an ultimatum? Or ask that she back him off keep in touch sporadicly. If that doesn't work ether it's him or me? How about you tell her how it makes you feel to start with and take it from there? No need to pre-script more than that. It terms of her history she says it is differnt with me. She has never felt this way about someone before. That he is not a factor. Is this bull? She may well believe that, and she may well feel that, but she may well believe and feel that many times in her life. It sounds like she doesn't have clear boundaries between boyfriends, exes, friends etc. and that's what lies at the heart of what bothers you, and is probably what lies at the heart of her chaotic love life. 1
g450 Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Just have to put in my two cents. Its very simple the way I see it. She has two guys pining over her. What a lucky girl. Why would she want to change that if you keep enabling this behavior from her? She is disrespecting you and you are allowing it. Personally, I would just leave her be. If she lives with you then ask her ex bf to come over and help her pack her crap.
kaylan Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Stop thinking with your penis, and with your heart. Think with your brain and tell her she cant be friends with him and be with you. If she objects, dump her. Have some grape fruits bro.
TaraMaiden Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Much as I feel for BAne guys, his other threads reveal a personal insecurity and lack of self-esteem. He has several threads running about this woman's behaviour, but he won't accept that she's bad news and that he really has too many red flags waving for this to ever get off the ground....
leutseym Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Hello BAne, Please read my post (He left me after 10 years) concerning the "ex". It took 10 years of my life to learn how strong the bond can be between the ex's, and I was the O (as in Out). It sounds to me like your being more the man than the ex could ever be. He is a weasle for doing this to both of you, but more to you because of the way he does it. Does he not care that she is showing you these text messages? Also, shame on her for playing his game. It is only hurting you, and if she can't see that...well... Good luck, sweetie
madjac74 Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Bane, I think you should let her know that his texts to her are inappropriate...which you did. You should pass on any offer she has made on meeting him. If you decide you want to continue this relationship then you should be cautious and observant. Don't jump on her about every little thing you may assume is cheating because if she does still have feelings for him then you will just push her back to him. Just make a mental note of things you find peculiar and ultimately you will make up your own mind. But definitely hold off on the marital plans for awhile 1
NoMagicBullet Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 It terms of her history she says it is differnt with me. She has never felt this way about someone before. That he is not a factor. Is this bull? If she says it's different but keeps doing the same old thing, then yes, it's BS. Actions are extremely important, and she's not making any changes -- it is a big red flag that she wants to keep things they way they are knowing both that 1) you aren't happy with the contact, and 2) her ex is still romantically interested and is indirectly pursuing her. Is it unreasonable for her to expect to talk to him every week? Hell yes! If she was serious about getting serious with you, she'd already be talking with him less without you having to say anything. 1
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