Mr Scorpio Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 For the past three Saturdays, I've woken up around 10am. Two weeks ago, I got out of bed at 6pm; last week 5pm; and I'm still in bed right now as I write this. I have a massive paper that I should be working on for school and exams that I should be studying for. It is yet another beautiful, not-too-hot, sunny day outside, and all I crave to do is lie in bed with a fan blowing on me and the TV in the background. I've been doing this -- off and on -- for over twenty years. There are periods of time -- a few months, say -- when I'll be actively hitting the gym and cooking healthy food for myself and practicing guitar and telling myself that I'm going to start playing open mic nights and socialize and maybe meet a gal and get a decent career and have a family and a nice social life. And then there are periods of time -- like most of this year -- when I'll get stuck in a rut thinking that it's all for not, that I won't get a job when I graduate, and that I'm simply waiting for my father to die so I can take my own life. I've been telling myself for years and years that eventually I will take my own life. I've been through four therapists and I don't know how many prescriptions. Yet, I can't seem to get out of my own mind. Most everything depresses me. I've developed such terrible routines that I dont know how to change them. A life coach? A psychiatrist instead of a psychologist? Maybe I should have joined the army. When I was with my ex, it was easy, because she would lead and I would follow. If she wanted to go hiking, I'd be glad to get outside and go hiking with her. If she wanted to go to the beach, I'd be glad to spend time with her on the beach. But doing those things alone? It just depresses me. I don't have anything on the walls in my room. I don't take pictures of things to look back on later in life. I don't look forward to anything except being able to sleep. I've wasted so much time and money, and even that doesn't stop me. I literally feel like I'm waiting to die. Rant over.
Coffee20 Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 Hello Scorpio, I would like to help you or give you some kind of advice but I have similar feelings to yours, but you should at least know that you are not alone in this. I feel like laying in my bed almost all the time, I spent today a lot of hours in my bed reading other ones stories and feeling sorry for them or watching Friends, Simpsons or whatever. I have to push myself to get out off my bed - not every day though and do something. I do sports, I play the piano, go out with my friends. Laughing but I don't really feel anything. I got a job finally, things seems to be so "on my side" and bright but I can't enjoy them. I have same as you an exam and work to do for my school but I am not motivated to start learning. I am now finally able to see the whole relationship story form the third person and I wasted many days watching the picture in my head. I can't believe the one person who is there was me. It is like I don't know myself at all. There is simply nothing really wrong with me. But everything seems to be so far from me now and I feel like doing nothing, laying in my bed watching that funny comedy - my relationship and drinking vodka. If I didn't have good friends, family and some responsibility, I would probably really do this every day. I think some therapy might help. But finding a good therapist is like a miracle here. Medicaments just numb my mind even more. I don't even think that it is depression, it's like I lost something or what. Like there is an empty place in me. I would give you advice to go out and have some fun, to date and find new hobbies. To smile and try to be positive. But I do all of these and I feel the same. But I can't tell that my days are just black. Some of them I really feel like I am able to do anything and next day I wake up and I feel empty again. What about your friends? Are there any to help you with this? Maybe you could do together some fun activity. What do you study? How are you anyway?
Exit Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 You sound like me. I alternate between setting big goals for myself, and not giving a damn about anything. And the net result of a negative and a positive is that you end up with nothing, and that's about where I'm at. I woke up at 6pm today. I dunno, I'm feeling too nihilistic lately to try to give you any uplifting advice because I feel like everything is pointless again. So all I can offer you is that you aren't alone.
Author Mr Scorpio Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 What about your friends? Are there any to help you with this? Maybe you could do together some fun activity. What do you study? How are you anyway? I have one friend who has seen me through my breakups, but I have none who can relate to the variety of issues I'm facing. I am studying law -- no stress there. As for how I am, I feel rather hopeless. I feel that I will never have a meaningful career or another relationship.
ImASadPanda Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 I guess you and I have a lot more in common than I knew, down the laying in bed with TV on and a fan going. I even added a heating pad to augment the loss of another warm body in bed ... it calms me a bit. How long ago did you two break-up? You said you are in school, so I am assuming under 22 years old... but I could be wrong and you could be in grad school and much older. You sleeping patterns seem the same as mine too. Sometimes i think its the room itself that keeps you from sleeping. Do you have a TV in your room? Keep your phone and laptop in bed with you? (I am guilty of all of those myself). Maybe try removing all the electonic stuff? I've had several friends tell me that, even before the breakup, that my sleeping patterns are wrecked because I keep too much "noise" in my room, and it makes you unable to sleep. I can also empathize with the wanting to die, but waiting for family to go first, knowing it would hurt them... but remember, suicide is the most selfish thing we can do, because it affects more people that just those in our immediate family. You are young and have so much to look forward in life once you are done with school. I've taken to writing to do lists (just this evening for the first time) to try and provide myself some structure and meaning ... maybe you should try that too? Errands you have to run, looking at job opportunities if you are near graduating, visiting family, even something as dumb as washing your sheets and making your bed. (You may laugh, but remember I said I have been sleeping directly on my mattress because I couldn't find the energy or purpose to make my bed, well I finally did today, after waking up at 6pm, just like yourself. If you are a Type A personality, that to do list will haunt you, in a good way, and make you get up and do those things, otherwise leaving them undone will drive you nuts. Again, I only think that tactic works especially well if you are a type A, ocd, perfectionist to some degree. If not, you can still try the to do list. If you live on campus versus alone, it changes some things, but if you live alone, it can help add a ton of stuff to your list. I'm in no place to be preaching at all yet, since I am in the same boat... but minimally I can empathize with you and feeling like all you want to do is sleep, and actually stay in your bed ... but we both know, its not good for us. Its not good for you. Force yourself to at least get up and shower, and do at least 2 things on your list. This will help your body create and stick to the new routine of getting up at a decent time to shower, or go for a walk or something, but at a decent time of day rather than 5pm. Think about volunteer work too. That puts a lot in perspective, and you will usually get completely lost in what you are doing, and your mind will be quiet for a little while. I volunteered at the national rehab hospital at Med Star Center ... and I can't tell you the perspective and impact is caused me, and this was during our break, the we before the actual breakup. It helps to help others when you feel like you can't help yourself. It starts building a positive environment for yourself to do for others and get that satifcation from it... I wish you serenity and to feel at peace soon.
Author Mr Scorpio Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 I guess you and I have a lot more in common than I knew, down the laying in bed with TV on and a fan going. I even added a heating pad to augment the loss of another warm body in bed ... it calms me a bit. How long ago did you two break-up? You said you are in school, so I am assuming under 22 years old... but I could be wrong and you could be in grad school and much older. She dumped me the second time in August on 2010. I'm approaching thirty-two and am attending law school. But, unlike yourself, I have no career. You sleeping patterns seem the same as mine too. Sometimes i think its the room itself that keeps you from sleeping. I don't have any problems falling asleep. I sleep about 8 hours a day, and then stay in bed for anywhere from two-five hours after waking up. I can also empathize with the wanting to die, but waiting for family to go first, knowing it would hurt them... but remember, suicide is the most selfish thing we can do, because it affects more people that just those in our immediate family. You are young and have so much to look forward in life once you are done with school. I'll admit that it would effect more people than just those in my immediate family, but they would recover and move on. I hardly see most of them more than once every couple of months as is. Still, the only things I can see coming after school are: 1) over $70k in debt, 2) a terrible job market, 3) having to help take care of my father. Yes, I could be fortunate enough to find a job that allows me to pay back my student loans and make a decent living, but at present the odds are against it. I'm not going to stop trying, but I'm not expecting much. Still, thank you for your reply.
lil hoodlum Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Sounds like you should rent a car and go on a road trip!!! In the process, you might find yourself. Give your life a shake up!! Good luck!
ImASadPanda Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 Oy! I now understand where some of the extra stress is coming from ... law school, impending debt, the job market ... your path is certainly not an easy one, but its an admirable one. I don't know if you even are, or how OCD you are, and I hate the idea of making light of a discussion of suicide, but for some reason the idea of the mess it would make for someone to have to clean up helps me steer clear of that idea. Regardless, it would always affect people in ways you could never know, so it's best to just cross that off the list entirely. It's good that you are at least getting sleep. I unfortunately am not so good with coming up with motivators for leaving the bed/apartment to bestow upon you, but I promise as soon as I find some good reason to visit sunlight again other than to work to pay for the prison I am keeping myself in, I will let you know asap. Do you have a dog? Could get a dog? Have access to a friend you could borrow a dog from? Going out for a walk, or tossing a ball or something I think is a good motivator, AND girls can't resist a guy with his dog ... ask my neighbor ... he has two husky puppies, we run into each other more often than is normal... but he always has my attention for at least 5 minutes because of those dogs! My guess is that your schedule is very eaten up with classes and studying, etc., so maybe give yourself a little break in terms of the fact that its been so hard to move beyond the breakup ... your time and dedication has been alloted to your education, and once you finish school, you will likely have much more time (and LESS stress), to get out and socialize and meet new people
Author Mr Scorpio Posted August 1, 2012 Author Posted August 1, 2012 Sounds like you should rent a car and go on a road trip!!! In the process, you might find yourself. Give your life a shake up!! Good luck! While that's not a bad idea, it does sound like an expensive one. And given that I made under $600 this past month... Still, thanks for the reply, it forms the majority of my social contact.
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