1 year since it ended, so why am I still angry!! will I ever get over it?

[kelsey1974]

My husband and I have been together since we were 16, we are now 30 and have two beautiful daughters. A few years ago, we hit a rough patch in our marriage and despite all efforts, we decided that it would be best to have a break away from each other and live in separate houses.

 

 

Whilst this was happening, I met another man whom I felt attracted to and whom I felt was attracted to me. We talked a lot about our lives and relationships, mine was crumbling, and he was engaged and planning a wedding. I couldn’t help but feel envious, but we kept up our unusual friendship all the same. We didn’t see each other very often, but he would drop by my house, send me emails and leave me small gifts for my birthday etc. I hoped that the relationship would blossom into something more, but I didn’t think it would – after all he was about to be married.

 

 

After some months, I decided that I wanted to move away and further my studies. My husband agreed that it was good to have a fresh start, and he agreed to come with me and move back in with his family. He couldn’t bear to be far from his children, and I wouldn’t want him to be. Part of me wanted to move away because of the OM, I couldn’t shake the feelings I had about him. He had just been married, and I hadn’t seen him for some time.

 

 

About three days before I left I sent the OM an email and told him I was moving. He came over that night when my children were out with my husband. We had our usual beer and chat, and when it was time for him to go, he kissed me, told me he cared for me. I told him how I felt too. On hearing that, he said he wished that he had known, he would never have gotten married and that he had been crazy about me from the first time we met. He said that he had given up thinking that there was a future for us, and agreed to marry a girl he had only been with for a few months. He was emotional and regretted that I was leaving.

 

 

And so then it began, months of emails pronouncing desires and feelings and the customary “I wish things were different”. All the time, trying to deal with patching up a family (and whether I even wanted to). I was confused and didn’t know what I wanted. All I could think of was the OM.

 

 

Three months down the track, I noticed a hesitance in the OM. He never found time to write, he seemed ‘plastic’ in his replies. When I arranged to go back to my home town for a weekend (just to see him) he ‘coincidentally’ had some sudden news – His wife was having a baby. He said he was shocked, that it was unplanned but he was happy all the same. You can imagine my feelings, I always had the impression that the relationship was shaky from the start (hence me- the OW!!) He still wanted to keep the relationship with me but told me I could break it off if I wanted. I couldn’t and I didn’t.

 

 

Our long distance relationship went down a notch, he was still distant but put it down to the pregnancy shock. A few weeks after he told me they were ‘expecting’, my parents sent me a newspaper from my old town (like they sometimes did), and I saw the birth notice of their baby, a healthy nine pounds. Like a tonne of bricks it hit me that she was four and a half months pregnant that night when we first got together. He knew and lied to me, not only then but on all the occasions that he talked about children in general (he didn’t want any) and the future. I was heartbroken, and all I could think of was how miserable I was and how happy they must be. My own relationship with my husband still wasn’t great.

 

 

I confronted him – via email – and he lied saying the baby was premature (at nine pounds??…)and they had only known for a few weeks. Considering his wife was a nurse I was pretty sure she would have known before then. He covered up everything with lies and more lies to try and ‘back out of the deal’ but he claimed he still wanted to salvage our relationship. He never said once that he wanted to end it, but wanted me to make the choice if that’s how I felt. I half heartedly kept in touch with him….hoping that he was telling the truth. After a year of awkwardness I ceased contact and we haven’t seen, spoken or written to each other for a year.

 

 

Now, my life is pretty good. The OM issues made me seek counseling for my marriage, and we are now sincerely happy. I felt like I saw the light, during all the lies and deceit in one life, my other life bloomed. I saw the contrast between the OM and my husband who is truly wonderful, honest and sincere. I found reason to fight for what was essentially good, to make it great again. My husband knew that I had feelings for someone else during that time (he once saw a photo of him by accident) but he forgave me.He doesnt know the full extent of it.

 

 

However, when I think of the OM I still feel incredible anger and hurt for the way that he deceived and lied and strangely, even though I am glad he is out of the picture, I resent the fact he let it go so easily.

 

 

Does this mean that I am not over him? I am sure I never want to see him again. I feel happy now, and far more sure of my future with my husband, so why does this feeling still cling to me? I resent him so much for taking time away from my family, and adding to the guilt I already feel. I know that this is half my fault, but I KNOW that I would not have entered into anything with him if I knew his actual situation with his wife and her pregnancy.... what can I do?

[DerangedAngel]

Does this mean that I am not over him?

 

No, I don't think that's what it means. I think you can feel hurt and angry about the past, and still wish to have nothing to do with this man. Is it possible to bring these feelings up in counseling (if you are still attending)? You might find it helpful to talk to someone about it.

 

I'm very glad to hear things are working out with your family. Best wishes.

 

-Deranged

[kelsey1974]

I am not attending counselling anymore, because I didnt feel I could discuss it..I guess because of the guilt I still feel, not to mention shame. Counselling dredges things up...and I want to bury it. Marriage counselling was good because it addressed needs that existed...to build on, whereas this is a dead issue that has nowhere to go.

I hope that makes sense...

 

I just want to know why I am so angry still....why I sometimes cant sleep for thinking about the intricacy of the deceit, the elaborate lies...and how stupid I was to fall for it!

[DerangedAngel]

I agree that a big part of this problem is that you haven't forgiven yourself.

 

I also feel that the only way you can ever do that is to bring things up one last time (preferably with a counselor). It takes a lot less effort to do this than to hide your feelings of guilt and anger for years to come.

 

I sometimes cant sleep for thinking about the intricacy of the deceit, the elaborate lies...and how stupid I was to fall for it!

 

Everyone makes mistakes, kelsey. It's how we own up to them and do our best to right things that counts.

 

-Deranged

[kelsey1974]

[it's how we own up to them and do our best to right things that counts ]

 

Thats exactly what I'm worried about...how do I make it right? I think part of the issue is that there was never an end....just silence. It has taken a lot of willpower to not want an explanation from him, to accept that there will never be closure on this. Thats where the anger stems from....but....should I feel angry with him or with myself? I realise that I played a big part by letting it go on, does that make me more at fault than the OM doing the harm?