Imajerk17 Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 (edited) I should preface this thread by saying that yes, I have a temper. If I have something on my mind I say it. Maybe it's my Italian genes... Made contact with a girl on a niche dating site earlier this month who happens to live 3 hours away. We had a few phone conversations, the last one was about 10 days ago. We had made plans to meet up today and we both seem excited about it--I sure was and she did too. (Actually we had made plans to meet up 2 weeks ago from today but she had to cancel for a very legit reason--she was very apologetic at the time and at the time said at the time that she would definitely make today. I bring this up because I feel its a relevant detail.) I should have known something was up when she didn't return my text the next day after our last phone call--about 9 days ago. Then I called her Monday night and no call back. Finally I text her AND leave a message on her voicemail this morning asking if we are still on for this afternoon--the city where we are supposed to meet is an hour away from her and over 2 hours away from me. I finally get a text back from her: "Hey Ima. Sorry for the late response. I am going to have to cancel today as well. Take care." Well. I am furious. I call her, get her voicemail, and give her a piece of my mind. I don't swear or insult her, I just say (in something of a raised voice) that the way she handed things was really poor and that I was very disappointed and doesn't she have more class than this. I tell her that I turned down other plans this week just to meet up with her and ask why couldn't she have told me sooner? I say the same thing in a text that I send to her soon after. (I was pissed.) Not my finest moment perhaps, but the way she handled the situation from her end didn't seem any better. I mean, a short text sent last minute....what if I had already started driving? ....after her saying on the last phone call how she was looking forward to meeting me and that she was sorry about having to cancel last time... I'd like your opinions. I really am working to become a more mature person. Edited July 28, 2012 by Imajerk17
mesmerized Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 I would have just stopped talking to her and not call her after her her text. With online, there are a lot of flakes, I've had the same thing happening to me with men. Just make sure not to ever give women who treat you this way a second chance. 4
Author Imajerk17 Posted July 28, 2012 Author Posted July 28, 2012 (edited) Yes I know. But I have NEVER flaked on anyone, online or in real life. And she didn't seem to be a flake, so... Was that classless of her. I realize that this is me playing sour grapes but please humour me and answer... Edited July 28, 2012 by Imajerk17
serial muse Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 I don't think it's psychotic at all - you have every reason to be angry, particularly as you tried several times to confirm and heard nothing. Obviously, I don't know exactly what you said to her...but I can completely understand why you'd be angry. What she did is really, really rude. My first thought was, since she had a legit excuse before, that maybe she's experiencing some true family emergency or something. But there's really no reason why she wouldn't have been able to cancel sooner if that were the case, or give you a legitimate explanation. So, basically, she sucks. Oh well, bullet dodged, yes? 2
xxoo Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 I'd say anger is justified, or at least frustration. It is how you handle the anger that matters. Leaving a furious voice message is one way, but it sounds like you regret that choice a little. How else could you have expressed that emotion, with less regret? Taking some time before responding can be a good start. 4
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 I think you handled it fine. Personally, I don't like to upset women so I wouldn't have said anything. I would have just severed all contact with her. But I think you were right in being angry. 1
Author Imajerk17 Posted July 28, 2012 Author Posted July 28, 2012 (edited) Thanks. I've come to be a big believer in expressing anger. It was cathartic leaving her that voicemail. Don't tread on me! Seriously, I just want basic respect. Edited July 28, 2012 by Imajerk17 2
xxoo Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 Thanks. I've come to be a big believer in expressing anger. It was cathartic leaving her that voicemail. Don't tread on me! Seriously, I just want basic respect. Yes, expressing anger is a good thing! But furious voice mails can bite you in the butt No biggie with someone you'll never see again, I guess, but I wouldn't recommend it as a general practice of expressing anger.
Author Imajerk17 Posted July 28, 2012 Author Posted July 28, 2012 (edited) Yes, expressing anger is a good thing! But furious voice mails can bite you in the butt No biggie with someone you'll never see again, I guess, but I wouldn't recommend it as a general practice of expressing anger. Well, I didn't say anything regretable. I didn't ramble on, I didn't swear, I didn't call her bad names. I did say that the way she handled things was extremely poor and that I was extremely disappointed. I raised my voice but I didn't yell or scream. I won't become a youtube sensation next week. Edited July 28, 2012 by Imajerk17
Contrecoeur Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 Your anger's justified, but acting out like that was not.
EasyHeart Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 I'd like your opinions. I really am working to become a more mature person.It sounds like you're just a jerk.
Author Imajerk17 Posted July 28, 2012 Author Posted July 28, 2012 (edited) I'll make a larger comment here. I have heard women complain about "psychotic" male behavior (I'm not referring to here, I'm referring primarily in conversations with my dates from OLD). But what I think many women (not all) don't get is that a good 80% of the anger that guys have isn't from being turned down in and of itself. Most of the anger that we guys feel is instead from a lack of respect being shown on the part of the woman. And when we guys express that anger, we are labelled jerks. Go figure. I just want basic respect. I'm pretty reasonable with my standards. It's only when those very reasonable standards get broke that I get mad. If I said something last week that she decided she wasn't OK with or whatever, she could have shot me an email saying that she did some thinking and she isn't sure how much we have in common and that we shouldn't meet after all. If it was another guy she was talking to she could have just said that too. I would have understood. And in any case I'd appreciate a thoughtful timely notice that things have changed from her end much more than a last-minute text that shows us no consideration. I think any guy would. Anyway, my take on things.... Edited July 28, 2012 by Imajerk17 2
Badsingularity Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 It's understandable to be frustrated, but getting so angry about it that you call and leave an angry message on her voicemail will only make you appear less attractive to her and like you are not a man who is in control. Also, if a woman doesn't call you back after you call her and then you text her and she still doesn't respond don't call her or text her again. She already saw that you called and texted. If you keep it up she will start to think you are desperate and will lose interest in you.
Author Imajerk17 Posted July 28, 2012 Author Posted July 28, 2012 (edited) It's understandable to be frustrated, but getting so angry about it that you call and leave an angry message on her voicemail will only make you appear less attractive to her and like you are not a man who is in control. Also, if a woman doesn't call you back after you call her and then you text her and she still doesn't respond don't call her or text her again. She already saw that you called and texted. If you keep it up she will start to think you are desperate and will lose interest in you. How was I supposed to handle it then? I set aside today for her AFTER a reschedule, and I thought her behavior was atrocious and needed to be called out. I was furious. Not saying nothing is not an option for me. Was I supposed to "guess" that we were no longer on? Is that how it works? What about the plans that I cancelled on her behalf? This is a real question not a rhetorical one.... Edited July 28, 2012 by Imajerk17
xxoo Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 How was I supposed to handle it then? I set aside today for her AFTER a reschedule, and I thought her behavior was atrocious and needed to be called out. Not saying nothing is not an option for me. This is a real question not a rhetorical one.... If you give yourself a chance to calm down first, you can say all that without raising your voice, and she'll be more receptive to what you have to say. The problem with calling angry and raising your voice is that it makes you the "psycho", and she'll dismiss what you are saying, just glad that she "dodged a bullet".
Author Imajerk17 Posted July 28, 2012 Author Posted July 28, 2012 (edited) If you give yourself a chance to calm down first, you can say all that without raising your voice, and she'll be more receptive to what you have to say. The problem with calling angry and raising your voice is that it makes you the "psycho", and she'll dismiss what you are saying, just glad that she "dodged a bullet". You do have a point there. I did raise my voice but I didn't yell.... if that helps.... I think what she did was utterly classless and yes I guess when I think about it, I am still really angry about it. Edited July 28, 2012 by Imajerk17
FitChick Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 How old is she? She sounds very immature and badly brought up. The situation would still have been unacceptable if he were only driving half an hour across town. She was very inconsiderate and selfish. For those who think Imajerk was in the wrong, would it have been more acceptable if she'd stood up a female friend, who then scolded her for her bad behavior? I have a feeling the replies here would be a bit different... What I think happened was that she was waiting for another guy she liked better to call her and he did, but at the last minute. It could very well backfire on her because that guy will know that HE can treat her just as thoughtlessly and she will accept it. So I predict he will dump her and she will call you back, all apologetic. Don't fall for it if that happens. 3
xxoo Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 You do have a point there. I did raise my voice but I didn't yell.... if that helps.... I think what she did was utterly classless and yes I guess when I think about it, I am still really angry about it. She handled it poorly, no doubt.
spiderowl Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 She should have said something sooner, yes, but once she cancelled the second time that was the point at which you should have come to the conclusion she just wasn't interested. She didn't leave any opener in her message. Getting angry with her is not appropriate. If you get angry with someone who disappoints you by not organising a date properly, how would you be with someone you were actually dating who made a mistake and fell foul of your internal 'rules'? What she did is not good, but people do this when they are considering meeting someone they are not sure about. They forget, sabotage, or simply don't act - all ways of avoiding a date without actually saying no up front. It's not nice, it feels awful, but anger is a bit over the top. If it had happened to me, I would have thought 'oh well, if he's going to be this hopeless/rude, I'm not going to waste my time on him'. I would not have rung him and been angry down the phone. Perhaps you should ask yourself why your response was anger and not rueful acceptance?
Contrecoeur Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Was I supposed to "guess" that we were no longer on? Is that how it works? Considering you've never met her, only spoken to her on the phone a few times, she hadn't contacted you for 9 days before your rescheduled date, and ignored your phone calls and text messages in the days leading up? I think any socially adept person would realize that date was never happening and move on accordingly. I'm sticking with psychotic here. 1
Author Imajerk17 Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 She should have said something sooner, yes, but once she cancelled the second time that was the point at which you should have come to the conclusion she just wasn't interested. She didn't leave any opener in her message. Getting angry with her is not appropriate. If you get angry with someone who disappoints you by not organising a date properly, how would you be with someone you were actually dating who made a mistake and fell foul of your internal 'rules'? What she did is not good, but people do this when they are considering meeting someone they are not sure about. They forget, sabotage, or simply don't act - all ways of avoiding a date without actually saying no up front. It's not nice, it feels awful, but anger is a bit over the top. If it had happened to me, I would have thought 'oh well, if he's going to be this hopeless/rude, I'm not going to waste my time on him'. I would not have rung him and been angry down the phone. Perhaps you should ask yourself why your response was anger and not rueful acceptance? Well anyone who does this with me had better be prepared for my getting angry and expressing it. I keep my word and I expect others to do the same. If that makes me "too intense" or "over the top" to some then so be it. Screw it. I did nothing wrong. I wasn't abusive or anything. I'd handle this situation pretty much the same way again.
spiderowl Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Well, maybe you can be like that if you are employing them but in a dating relationship it's not appropriate. Yes, she messed you around but what you were doing was basically letting off steam. You knew there was no way any good could come of it other than that. She wouldn't want to date again and all was lost anyway. You still sound angry. Anger at being messed around may be natural; expressing it like that is going too far. You have high expectations of people. I know someone like that, who expressed high high expectations to me. They were really a set of rules that I 'should' follow or he would get wound up and annoyed with me. When someone does that, you may apologise once or twice, until you realise them getting angry is a pattern of behaviour and they are trying to control you, and then you get out as fast as possible. You can't control women and high expectations of behaviour can be a cloak for demands. If you don't want to be seen as demanding and controlling, maybe you should see a therapist about your anger.
Author Imajerk17 Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 Well, maybe you can be like that if you are employing them but in a dating relationship it's not appropriate. Yes, she messed you around but what you were doing was basically letting off steam. You knew there was no way any good could come of it other than that. She wouldn't want to date again and all was lost anyway. You still sound angry. Anger at being messed around may be natural; expressing it like that is going too far. You have high expectations of people. I know someone like that, who expressed high high expectations to me. They were really a set of rules that I 'should' follow or he would get wound up and annoyed with me. When someone does that, you may apologise once or twice, until you realise them getting angry is a pattern of behaviour and they are trying to control you, and then you get out as fast as possible. You can't control women and high expectations of behaviour can be a cloak for demands. If you don't want to be seen as demanding and controlling, maybe you should see a therapist about your anger. My expectations are VERY reasonable. Do what you say you're going to do. If anyone thinks that is a 'high high' expectation, then eff them. I agree w AlexCross.
xxoo Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Well anyone who does this with me had better be prepared for my getting angry and expressing it. I keep my word and I expect others to do the same. If that makes me "too intense" or "over the top" to some then so be it. Screw it. I did nothing wrong. I wasn't abusive or anything. I'd handle this situation pretty much the same way again. In this situation, it isn't such a big deal. She'll think you're psycho, but who cares. But you'll need to learn some more productive ways to express anger when you are dealing with a girlfriend, a wife, your kid, your boss, etc. FWIW, raising a child was the motivation for me to learn how to express anger productively, without lashing out or stuffing it down. I couldn't teach my child how to handle anger until I learned it myself! 1
Cracker Jack Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 jerk might've lost his cool a bit, but claiming he's psychotic is utterly ridiculous. It's all good, tho. If you're in a similar situation next time, don't allow it to get you out of your cool. It'd be nice if there were no flakes, but it comes with the territory. Just continue being the courteous, stand-up dude you know you are. Flaky women are best forgotten. 1
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