He just gets up and leaves!!!! So tired!

[Jewels2929]

Hi Everyone,

 

I'm new here and really need some good advice to follow. The boyfriend and I had an argument today and I still don't understand what really happened.

 

We have been dating about a year and a half and we live together. Boyfriend manages a group of civil engineers. I know he has had a stressful week at work with presentations and customers from out of the country. He has been VERY moody and I have felt a strong disconnect from him. I'm not perfect and I have my moody days too but this week he has been very "closed off".

 

Last night at dinner he reminded me that a college friend/friend wantedto come to the US and see him and he will also be conducting some business in another state the same week. (boyfriend went to college in Australia, where he is from originally).

 

He told me about this about a month ago and wants him to stay with us for 3 days, which is fine with me. But he wanted him to come on a weekend that just doesn't work for us. We are going out of the country to Spain in late September. We will be gone for 7 days. Its also my first time out of the country. I know by the trips end we will be exhausted when returning home and also coming back to a very hyper dog. We will both have two days to get back into "regular life" before returning to work.

 

Boyfriend told me he thinks his friend may have already bought a plane ticket for the weekend we will be returning home. We already talked about this about a month ago and we agreed any weekend but that one is fine. He says he told him early October. Well early October isn't the weekend this man bought his tickets for, its late September (the weekend we are returning home) So he emailed him last night and asked him if he could change the flight for the next weekend instead. This was last night.

 

So today we had a planned day to go for a hike. There were things that needed to get done before, just regular household stuff. The garbage needed to go out and just some little things. He was taking out the dog and I asked him to please take out the trash too. He seemed annoyed by that but I just ignored it.

 

Than he comes back in from taking out the trash and tells me his friend emailed him back and said he can't change his flight because its international or something like that. I just told him there has to be an option for him to change the flight, and bf snapped at me. He told me I'm only thinking of myself and I'm selfish, blah blah blah. He will be really disappointed if he can't see this friend. At this point I was in tears because what he was saying hurt my feelings. He than says he doesn't want to spend time with me today and to forget our hike. Mind you I had another invite to go on a day trip with friends but I declined to go because I was going on this hike with my bf. So than he gets up and puts his shoes on and put his laptop in his backpack . I knew he was getting ready to leave. He has done this a few other times we have plans, he cancels at the last minute and disappears for the day. He has done this at times when we have a disagreement or if I say something he doesn't like.

 

I don't know how to deal with this anymore. I feel like he acts like such a baby and runs. Not only that its totally uncalled for and rude to just walk out on me because he didn't get his way.

 

I really need some insight. Thanks.

Edited July 28, 2012 by Jewels2929

[Jewels2929]

After he left I texted him that it made me feel like crap when he just walks out on me and he said that I just don't understand him and he is about ready to give up. wtf..anyway I decided I'm still going on the hike and if he wanted to talk about it later we can. I just don't know how to deal...?

[Balzac]

Grow up and rent yourself a hotel room so the men can do their own thing. I just don't see major jet lag from Europe. Maybe Asia but even then, what's your deal?

[Balzac]

I'm not meaning to be harsh. I do think you lack understanding about engineers though. They solve problems. They nearly always work in group culture. When you fail to be flexible, fail to pitch alternative solutions---you push him into his professional mode. I too would see your posture as an impasse and likely end the relationship. Just giving a male POV.

[Jewels2929]

Grow up and rent yourself a hotel room so the men can do their own thing. I just don't see major jet lag from Europe. Maybe Asia but even then, what's your deal?

 

 

Rent myself a room? excuse me? I'm not leaving my apartment for a foreign visitor whom my bf wants me to play hostess to, anyway. That comment is all sorts of backwards, IMO.

[Jewels2929]

I'm not meaning to be harsh. I do think you lack understanding about engineers though. They solve problems. They nearly always work in group culture. When you fail to be flexible, fail to pitch alternative solutions---you push him into his professional mode. I too would see your posture as an impasse and likely end the relationship. Just giving a male POV.

 

Your pov. ok. thanks.

[veggirl]

Okay the just getting up and leaving thing is beyond obnoxious and immature. Yes he is a big baby.

 

It's one thing to say "I'm gonna go cool off for a bit, I'll be back in 2 hours" or whatever, but to just get up?

 

Honestly if he does this each time, I'd sit him down and tell him it's unacceptable, immature, and if he does it again to just keeeeep goin! How old is your BF?

 

The friend thing...yeah that is annoying, but it doesn't sound like your BFs fault. HE can't help that his friend booked the wrong weekend, etc. It sounds like an old friend he doesn't see much, I'd suck it up and probably just kinda hang out in my room to relax. Just cause HE is entertaining a friend doesn't mean you have to.

[Balzac]

Rent myself a room? excuse me? I'm not leaving my apartment for a foreign visitor whom my bf wants me to play hostess to, anyway. That comment is all sorts of backwards, IMO.

 

So basically for the small sum of booking a hotel room, you gain the victory of being "right" and retaining the hostess duties. Win:Win is always the best outcome.

[Jewels2929]

So basically for the small sum of booking a hotel room, you gain the victory of being "right" and retaining the hostess duties. Win:Win is always the best outcome.

 

 

No has nothing to do with being right. There is just no way in hell I can afford to or am willing to go stay in a hotel when I have an apartment I pay to live in. Especially coming back from Europe a day before. I think anyone that would do that is from another planet. How about this visitor stay in a hotel? wtf

[Jewels2929]

Okay the just getting up and leaving thing is beyond obnoxious and immature. Yes he is a big baby.

 

It's one thing to say "I'm gonna go cool off for a bit, I'll be back in 2 hours" or whatever, but to just get up?

 

Honestly if he does this each time, I'd sit him down and tell him it's unacceptable, immature, and if he does it again to just keeeeep goin! How old is your BF?

 

The friend thing...yeah that is annoying, but it doesn't sound like your BFs fault. HE can't help that his friend booked the wrong weekend, etc. It sounds like an old friend he doesn't see much, I'd suck it up and probably just kinda hang out in my room to relax. Just cause HE is entertaining a friend doesn't mean you have to.

 

Thanks your advice seems right on. I will probably just deal and hang out. I will have too much to do when we return to entertain his visitor, so he will just have to deal with it.

[TaraMaiden]

He's a passive-aggressive little twerp who controls situations by making sure you can't reason with him due to his absence. That's projection of a problem onto you, and avoidance of his responsibilities.

 

My ex- was an engineer in charge of a team of 24 engineers responsible for banking systems, and truly, when it came to personal stuff on this level, he was generous and accommodating, so let's not talk rubbish about how stressed and under pressure they are. If you can't hack the pressure, then don't do the job, or expect those around you to make allowances for your poor little stress-outbursts. Hurting people closest to you is not an option, and is no excuse.

 

Ring around local motels or traveller's inns to see if you can book a room with a deposit alone (as opposed to full payment).

Then book his pal into it. He can repay you when he sees you.

Or your BF can.

When your BF comes back, tell him the problem is sorted, and tell him how you've sorted it. He can tell his buddy.

 

Then make a coffee, sit down with a nice book, and ignore him while he implodes and blows a gasket. As an engineer, I'm sure he'll be able to fix it.....

[Jewels2929]

1. First of all, you don't get it. My best friends all live on a different continent. When they visit, it's like a constant Christmas morning. I'll take time off of work for it. I've slept on the floor for 4 nights and have given my best college buddy my bed when he was with his girlfriend. I don't doubt for a second he would do the same. You're being a stuck up little bitch for wanting to ruin this for your boyfriend because your dog will be hyperactive and you might maybe have a jetlag from crossing 5 timezones. I can afford a hotel room but I would feel insulted if one of my friends tried putting me in one.

 

2. Saying the opposite of what his friend said without any argument or evidence is a great way to trigger an irrational response (yes, even engineers have them). His friend supposedly spent time reading some website t&c or calling the airline or whatever and has concluded it's not possible for a reasonable price. You have never traveled international and are most likely clueless about this stuff, yet you tell him his friend is wrong. That would rub me the wrong way as well.

 

3. Running is acting like a baby, as opposed to the mature act of being in tears when your bf tells you how he likes to see his friends...

 

In conclusion, he is in the right here 100%. He didn't handle the argument perfectly, but you are clearly in the wrong here.

 

My advice: apologize, tell him you didn't understand how important his friends are to him and suck it up for a weekend. edit: or don't

 

Here is the thing, we both agreed THAT weekend was not a good one. We agreed on that over 1 month ago. Then just yesterday he told me this friend already bought a ticket for that weekend we both agreed wasn't going to work. There were several other days/weekends he could have come to visit. I think my boyfriend told him it was ok even after what him and I talked about.

 

I don't think I'am being "stuck up" at all.

 

I can appreciate him wanting his friends to visit and they are welcome when it is CONVENIENT for all parties. People have lives and I don't see anything wrong with wanting it to be when it works for everyone, not just the guest. I would NEVER impose myself on someone if it wasn't a good time and I would never want to make my boyfriend feel inconvenienced with a guest of mine.

 

He says he already told his friend via email that we would just be returning that Saturday . I told him to email his friend and tell him that he can stay here because we are actually returning on a Thursday not Saturday. He says he already fibbed and doesn't want to change it again. That is HIS choice not mine. He also made the choice to stay out all day today and says he isn't coming home tonight. He acts like a complete child.

[Jewels2929]

He's a passive-aggressive little twerp who controls situations by making sure you can't reason with him due to his absence. That's projection of a problem onto you, and avoidance of his responsibilities.

 

My ex- was an engineer in charge of a team of 24 engineers responsible for banking systems, and truly, when it came to personal stuff on this level, he was generous and accommodating, so let's not talk rubbish about how stressed and under pressure they are. If you can't hack the pressure, then don't do the job, or expect those around you to make allowances for your poor little stress-outbursts. Hurting people closest to you is not an option, and is no excuse.

 

Ring around local motels or traveller's inns to see if you can book a room with a deposit alone (as opposed to full payment).

Then book his pal into it. He can repay you when he sees you.

Or your BF can.

When your BF comes back, tell him the problem is sorted, and tell him how you've sorted it. He can tell his buddy.

 

Then make a coffee, sit down with a nice book, and ignore him while he implodes and blows a gasket. As an engineer, I'm sure he'll be able to fix it.....

 

 

Thanks for the advice. I think he acts like a baby when he doesn't get an answer he likes ESPECIALLY when he is stressed out in his professional life. It is always the same.

[Scorpius]

Hi Everyone,

 

I'm new here and really need some good advice to follow. The boyfriend and I had an argument today and I still don't understand what really happened.

 

We have been dating about a year and a half and we live together. Boyfriend manages a group of civil engineers. I know he has had a stressful week at work with presentations and customers from out of the country. He has been VERY moody and I have felt a strong disconnect from him. I'm not perfect and I have my moody days too but this week he has been very "closed off".

 

Last night at dinner he reminded me that a college friend/friend wantedto come to the US and see him and he will also be conducting some business in another state the same week. (boyfriend went to college in Australia, where he is from originally).

 

He told me about this about a month ago and wants him to stay with us for 3 days, which is fine with me. But he wanted him to come on a weekend that just doesn't work for us. We are going out of the country to Spain in late September. We will be gone for 7 days. Its also my first time out of the country. I know by the trips end we will be exhausted when returning home and also coming back to a very hyper dog. We will both have two days to get back into "regular life" before returning to work.

 

Boyfriend told me he thinks his friend may have already bought a plane ticket for the weekend we will be returning home. We already talked about this about a month ago and we agreed any weekend but that one is fine. He says he told him early October. Well early October isn't the weekend this man bought his tickets for, its late September (the weekend we are returning home) So he emailed him last night and asked him if he could change the flight for the next weekend instead. This was last night.

 

So today we had a planned day to go for a hike. There were things that needed to get done before, just regular household stuff. The garbage needed to go out and just some little things. He was taking out the dog and I asked him to please take out the trash too. He seemed annoyed by that but I just ignored it.

 

Than he comes back in from taking out the trash and tells me his friend emailed him back and said he can't change his flight because its international or something like that. I just told him there has to be an option for him to change the flight, and bf snapped at me. He told me I'm only thinking of myself and I'm selfish, blah blah blah. He will be really disappointed if he can't see this friend. At this point I was in tears because what he was saying hurt my feelings. He than says he doesn't want to spend time with me today and to forget our hike. Mind you I had another invite to go on a day trip with friends but I declined to go because I was going on this hike with my bf. So than he gets up and puts his shoes on and put his laptop in his backpack . I knew he was getting ready to leave. He has done this a few other times we have plans, he cancels at the last minute and disappears for the day. He has done this at times when we have a disagreement or if I say something he doesn't like.

 

I don't know how to deal with this anymore. I feel like he acts like such a baby and runs. Not only that its totally uncalled for and rude to just walk out on me because he didn't get his way.

 

I really need some insight. Thanks.

 

Hey Jewels2929 it's Scorpius here, going off what i've read from your post and your reply to Spanky84's post is seems as if your boyfriend is acting more like a selfish child instead of a man. He gets mad and runs off whenever you two get in an argument or he doesn't like what you have to say. The fact that he called you selfish is messed up since you rejected your friend's invite since you wanted to spend time with him. It seems like two things have happened. 1) he doesn't appreciate you the way he should, and 2) he has shown that spending time with his friend is more important than going hiking and spending time with you.

 

You're basically, in a relationship with a child trapped in a man's body. I understand if you really love him but in this situation, you need to do whats right for you. You need to just really think about you're relationship up to this point. If you've decided that you don't want to be treated like this anymore, than it may be wise to end the relationship. Because the truth is: You deserve to be treated better than that!! Just giving you a different male pov.

[spiderowl]

It sounds like the friend thing is out of his control and the friend has booked an inconvenient time. Maybe he told him and there was a misunderstanding or maybe that was the time he could get the cheapest flight or something. It's one weekend and the guy is coming a long way and is your guy's best friend. I'd just make do and cope though it's not ideal.

 

But, that doesn't excuse your boyfriend's behaviour. Walking out and not discussing things is rude. I suppose what strikes me is that you say that you have felt a disconnect. He has recently been doing this. He walks out and disappears for the day, taking his laptop. Does he always take his laptop everywhere? To be honest, his behaviour sounds like that of a person who is giving up on a relationship. Whether this is really what is happening or symptoms of stress from work is hard to tell. He is not treating you respectfully. It's unacceptable that he should just cancel things with you and walk out. At the least, you should tell him you won't tolerate this rudeness. If he's got some problem, he should tell you about it.

 

My instinctive feeling is he's switched off from you and may well leave for good. What is behind this, no-one knows. In your situation, I would be looking for an affair. I don't want to make you paranoid, but I would.

[TaraMaiden]

Jewels2929:

Here's something my mother once told me:

 

"It doesn't matter how old they are, what job they have, what car they drive, what clothes they wear, what kind of home they have, or how much they earn - they're only ever 9 years old."

 

she has been consistently right and I haven't encountered a man yet who has proven her wrong.

He's amply demonstrating this.

Now, some men are '9 years old' more than others. This guy seems to be stuck at the tantrum-ridden six-year-old stage.

 

If you're ok going out with a guy who's happy to keep pulling stunts like these, and lying to you, and favouring absent friends, over present GF - then I'd make him a past issue.

 

Call it a day.

your world won't end, a new day will follow, you can survive, and he's not the be-all and end-all of your life.

Really, can you picture yourself growing old with this guy?

 

If not - what are you still doing there?

Why waste any more time on the kindergarten Kid?

[Jewels2929]

A couple of possibilities here: your boyfriend didn't communicate clear enough (something like: if possible I prefer October over September / We're back end of September, I'm really looking forward to seeing you man, though October is gonna be easier), he did communicate clear enough but the other date was impossible for his friend so he chose to see him at an inconvenient time over not seeing him at all, the other flight was fully booked, whatever. You can ask him about this, he may have misjudged the situation or may have accepted to this date because his friend didn't have any other option.

 

 

 

 

I have to repeat myself: You just you don't get it! The guys are college buddies, they spent the best part of their life as each others close friend. Odds are your boyfriend was puking his guts out one night at a bar, his friend took him to his place because it was closer, got him a bucket to throw up in and let him sleep on the couch (my buddy did). Those sort of things happen. Do you think that was convenient for him? Of course it wasn't, but you have each others back so you don't even think twice about it.

 

 

Of course he doesn't! Bottom line is, he has the choice between causing you minor inconvenience (face it, a dog that's possibly gonna be hyper and maybe a minor jetlag aren't that big a deal) or breaking his word and not seeing his buddy who he probably hasn't seen in ages. His choice is made, and it seems to me like you can either accept it or not. From the op it seems like he has a strong dislike towards the way you handled this so far, do what you think is best but keep that in mind.

 

 

If there's anything I learned from relationships, it's that there's no use discussing with a crying girl. He will either give in to make you stop crying and resent you later for what he perceives as emotional blackmail, or not give in and make you more upset and look like a monster. Walking away, cooling down and coming back when both of you are rational enough to have a discussion often is the best option.

 

What I mean when I said he doesn't want to change it again is - he says he already told his friend that it won't be a good weekend, and since he made me feel so guilty I told him its fine with me. This guy is his friend and old college professor -its NOT a friend , college bro relationship. He was more of a mentor. But anyway this guy is coming here now still but my bf is playing the "martyr" role and saying he will have him stay in a hotel instead.

[Jewels2929]

If OP had options, this would be a non-issue.

 

what kind of options?

[Jewels2929]

It sounds like the friend thing is out of his control and the friend has booked an inconvenient time. Maybe he told him and there was a misunderstanding or maybe that was the time he could get the cheapest flight or something. It's one weekend and the guy is coming a long way and is your guy's best friend. I'd just make do and cope though it's not ideal.

 

But, that doesn't excuse your boyfriend's behaviour. Walking out and not discussing things is rude. I suppose what strikes me is that you say that you have felt a disconnect. He has recently been doing this. He walks out and disappears for the day, taking his laptop. Does he always take his laptop everywhere? To be honest, his behaviour sounds like that of a person who is giving up on a relationship. Whether this is really what is happening or symptoms of stress from work is hard to tell. He is not treating you respectfully. It's unacceptable that he should just cancel things with you and walk out. At the least, you should tell him you won't tolerate this rudeness. If he's got some problem, he should tell you about it.

 

My instinctive feeling is he's switched off from you and may well leave for good. What is behind this, no-one knows. In your situation, I would be looking for an affair. I don't want to make you paranoid, but I would.

 

 

You didn't make me paranoid. There isn't an affair. He takes his laptop everywhere because he is a workaholic and goes to work -office whenever he "runs" away. I know he was there today. I hate the way he deals with conflict.

[Jewels2929]

Jewels2929:

Here's something my mother once told me:

 

"It doesn't matter how old they are, what job they have, what car they drive, what clothes they wear, what kind of home they have, or how much they earn - they're only ever 9 years old."

 

she has been consistently right and I haven't encountered a man yet who has proven her wrong.

He's amply demonstrating this.

Now, some men are '9 years old' more than others. This guy seems to be stuck at the tantrum-ridden six-year-old stage.

 

If you're ok going out with a guy who's happy to keep pulling stunts like these, and lying to you, and favouring absent friends, over present GF - then I'd make him a past issue.

 

Call it a day.

your world won't end, a new day will follow, you can survive, and he's not the be-all and end-all of your life.

Really, can you picture yourself growing old with this guy?

 

If not - what are you still doing there?

Why waste any more time on the kindergarten Kid?

 

I just hope that he wouldn't be so childish when it comes to dealing with conflict in our relationship. I hope he would grow out of it and be more respectful to me or at least TRY. But he doesn't even try. He just bolts.

[ja123]

Actually, I think that his getting up and walking away is a good thing. He's calming himself down, not only for himself, but in the end for the relationship, too. Imagine if he stayed and said some really terrible things that were irreparable.

 

I rather agree with Balzac's perspective in his first 3 posts.

 

Though I think getting a hotel might make you look bad, if you can't greet the guest with a genuine smile and a good hostess attitude, then it might be for the best.

 

You seem to have an idea of your limits and how to plan things for yourself; however, sometimes we need to be flexible and compromise. Sometimes that means putting ourself out for our loved one.

 

I think you are the one who is being immature, sorry to say.

[Jewels2929]

Actually, I think that his getting up and walking away is a good thing. He's calming himself down, not only for himself, but in the end for the relationship, too. Imagine if he stayed and said some really terrible things that were irreparable.

 

I rather agree with Balzac's perspective in his first 3 posts.

 

Though I think getting a hotel might make you look bad, if you can't greet the guest with a genuine smile and a good hostess attitude, then it might be for the best.

 

You seem to have an idea of your limits and how to plan things for yourself; however, sometimes we need to be flexible and compromise. Sometimes that means putting ourself out for our loved one.

 

I think you are the one who is being immature, sorry to say.

 

 

Thanks for your input. I actually did him I'm ok with the guy coming to stay with us, but now he is playing victim and saying he doesn't want him to. So thats his choice.

[TaraMaiden]

...I hope he would grow out of it and be more respectful to me or at least TRY. But he doesn't even try. He just bolts.

 

So: answer the questions:

 

.....

......can you picture yourself growing old with this guy?

 

If not - what are you still doing there?......

[Jewels2929]

So: answer the questions:

 

 

When it comes to the rest of him ---yes I do want us to grow old together. This issue I'm not letting go.

[TaraMaiden]

You can't fix him. And unless he recognises the problem, acknowledges it, admits it's something he needs to work on and recognises he needs to work on it for himself - it will never go away.

 

"Tis part of the cure to wish to be cured."

 

Has he ever faced up to this issue honestly?

 

How long has it been an issue?