She is a commitment rollercoaster, and I don't know if I can take it anymore

[CheddaJack]

I'm at a loss. My girlfriend and I are at a crossroads, at which breaking up seems unavoidable. Not even sure I'm looking for answers. Maybe I just need to vent. Or maybe I do need the help and insight of this electronic village. Who knows, but here goes. I will try to be as fair as possible, as I don't want to be one sided, even while a little voice inside me is screaming at what a heartless (insert bad word) she is:

 

We met and started dating/seeing each other(I could never understand which term is the more serious one...for me it's dating, for others it's seeing, but for this we were the serious one) Oct 2001. I travelled for work and she was in law school, so we didn't see each other through out the week, but we would talk on the phone most every night, and spend our weekends with each other. For me, it was a love at first sight thing. For her, it was a love yoyo. One minute she would love me and want to marry me, the next she would state I should be dating someone else. At first it seemed silly and cute, but through the years it became a bit hurtful, somewhat like a small jab of rejection. But we went on, for about two years(We dated, broke up, and are back together...er).

 

The last six months of those two years we first dated were very trying. The yoyo didn't bounce as much and was mostly set on 'mean and spiteful', which included a lot of name calling for no apparent reason. Granted, I'm a guy, and I admit to doing stupid things at times. You don't have to agree with me, but if you are saying you love me, calling me names is just so disrespectful, and it is something that I never did or would...except in this vent. Sorry, little voice speaking out. Anyhoo, being that she was in her last semester of law school and then studying for the bar, I blew it off as stress and tried to be as supportive as possible. Anyhoo, after she took the bar, the meanness stayed and we soon broke it off.

 

After a few months, we started talking again, and after a few months of talking and some physical relations, she comes to me saying that she wanting to get back together, that she feels she's matured, has grown as a person, and want to have a committed relationship that is working towards marriage. Even though I'm happy as pie, I'm use to the rollercoaster ride of her wanting to me married one weekend and then single the next from our first two years. I tell her that I'm not ready to be in a committed relationship because of this, that I want to work on 'us' to see if she really wants a committed relationship with me. I let her know that completely investing my emotions would take time.

 

So, we started 'seeing', each other. By this time I have moved to another state to start my own business, so we were long-distance. We would talk every night, and once or twice a month I would visit her or she would visit me. And everything was great for 4 months. She was all about us. She really portrayed herself as wanting to be in this relationship. So on my last trip up I felt like it was time to take that step to be completely emotionally committed to each other. So when I got to her place we talked about it, and had the best 10 days there.

 

Here comes the oh-no duh-duh-duuuuuuh part. I get home on a Sunday, talk to her throughout the week, and on Thursday she tells me that she bought a plane ticket to visit me in a few weeks. I talk to her on Friday day, and seemed a bit odd. She asked me if we were really in a committed relationship. OK, talk about a left field question. We talk(we'll, mostly I talk) about that we are committed. Atleast that is what we thought. And what did she mean by committed - emotionally invested, monogomy. Yes to all, I thought. Even when working through things, commitment was always there because that is what we working towards, yes? So she said she had to go and wanted to call me back.

 

So she calls later on Friday night. Says she needs to talk. Says if we are going to move forward that she needs to be honest of a few things. (ugh, stomach starts churning). First she tells me that she slept with someone while we were broken up. No biggie, we were broken up, and while it did not make me feel all that great, it's not any of my business. Then she tells me that she and her ex-boyfriend got drunk the night before and they fooled around. Now that was my business, and it also didn't make me feel so good. (OK, little rant and rave: She comes to me wanting to get together and work at a committed relationship, we work on it for 4 months, and not even a week after we get there she's getting it on with her ex). (Oh, that is another thing, throughout our relationship(s) she has been friends with her ex, who is a scum bag by trade - cheated on her while they were going out with the girl he is currently dating, and of course cheated on his current girlfriend with her. Although he and a few other friends of hers were shwarmie, I trusted her completely as I don't want to be the type of person to stop my girlfriend from having any friend she chooses...not my place). So there we are. And after that, she decides she doesn't think she is ready for a committed relationship(Nice timing).

 

So that leads us to today. It's been a few weeks since the incident, and we've talked, as well as having not talked this past week as she said she needed some thinking time. Basically, I put it to her like this. I can forgive her for fooling around with her ex. She needs to decide if she wants me in her life, and if so if she wants a committed(in every sense of the word) relationship. I've told her that I won't be in her life if her ex-boyfriend is. It isn't healthy for our relationship, and it will cause serious trust issues. Also, if she isn't up for the commitment, I'm moving on. I don't want to be the guy she has sex with and complains to while she also still dates others. Not my bag of tea. I've grown up and I'm looking for something better and more intimate than that. So that is what we have talked about and what she has been thinking about. There are other items, but I've already taken up so much space and probably killed some readers with boredom.

 

The biggest thing that looms over my head, which has really come out and bothered be this last week without talking, is that I don't think I have any trust in her any more. As I sit right now, I believe she is out fooling around. Never had thoughts like this before. Never had any trust issues before as she has had mine completely. But now that it is looming, is it worth even trying to work things out. Trust is one of the most important things to me. I don't think I can love someone without being able to trust them. So what is the point?

 

So am I a dope for even letting it go this far. Should I try? Man, am I a putz. But a good looking, funny putz.

[DerangedAngel]

Oh dear. What a mess.

 

I can forgive her for fooling around with her ex. She needs to decide if she wants me in her life...

 

I think you have given her plenty of chances. Sticking by her, putting up with the roller coaster, supporting her during law school. You sound like you have treated her very well, and you don't deserve to be hurt like this. She should have been grateful for the last months you invested in her, trying to see if things would work out.

 

Granted, she was drunk. If you want to impair your judgment, that'll do the trick. The thing is, nobody made her drink (especially with her ex).

 

I don't think I have any trust in her any more. As I sit right now, I believe she is out fooling around. Never had thoughts like this before.

 

Without trust, there can be no good, healthy relationships.

 

I'm very sorry about your situation. You must love this girl, and that will influence your decision, but please be careful. Do what you think will make you the happiest. Be strong, and use this forum to rant and rave as much as you please.

 

Welcome to LoveShack.

 

-Deranged

[CheddaJack]

Thank you for being candid. Wasn't sure how this was going to turn out, but the experience is helpful, and a bit of fun. Seeing that someone else takes the time to listen is extremely therapeutic. Being an anonymous forum, it's even quite comfortable. You can talk to your friends about issues like this, but doing so can (1) make the friend feel uncomfortable if it is a mutual friend, (2) possible cause ill-feelings between the friend and significant other if the relationship survives, and (3) worse of all, doing so violates the privacy of the relationship where either of you can feel uncomfortable amongst friends. This, though, seems like my own private counselling sessions.

 

If it only came with a chez lounge and free coffee in the waiting room....