Cooter Posted July 11, 2004 Posted July 11, 2004 I broke up with my girlfriend of a year a month ago. I'm almost 18, if it matters any. We are determined to stay friends. We both mean too much to eachother to just ignore and forget about one another. I saw her today and it was the same old thing. Whenever I'm around her in person, I want to touch her. To reach out and grab her, to kiss her. But friends don't do that. I honestly have no self control around her. I ended up pulling her on to me and touching her and what not. She tried to kiss me, and I wanted her to .. but I kept myself from going that far. I regret what I did yet part of me wants it to happen again. I told her today that I will not see her in person until school starts again (a month down the road) because I still care about her. Because I'm still attracted to her, and there isn't much stopping me from jumping on her except a heavy concience. She's upset that I wont see her. I don't want it to come to this but I don't know what else to do. We broke up because I wanted something else. Someone else. No one in particular, just .. I was thinking about being with someone else a lot, and I figured that wasn't right. I'd be lying if I said that part of me doesn't still want to be with her. But I know that our relationship wasn't going where I wanted it to go. So I wont allow myself to go back to her. Am I doing the right thing? She keeps on talking how we should have tried to fix things, and I keep on telling her that there wasn't anything wrong TO fix. It just wasn't what I wanted anymore. I don't really know what else to tell her.
Strontium Posted July 11, 2004 Posted July 11, 2004 Have you told her that you were attracted to someone else? If I was her, I'd want to know. You have to be totally honest with her, because if you don't have honesty, then you don't have anything. Also, you seem certain that the relationship wasn't going where you wanted it to go, but have you given any thought to where you actually DO want your relationships to go? Perhaps it wasn't going where she wanted it to go either, but she didn't say anything because she thought you were happy. I say talk to her about it. It's such a shame when relationships fail through lack of communication. If you're both clear on where the other wants to go, and you both clearly want different things, then she can't fail to see that being apart is the best way. At the moment you seem very confused, you should spend some time thinking about what you really want.
Cooter Posted July 11, 2004 Posted July 11, 2004 There wasn't anyone in particular that I was thinking about being with. Just someone else. A couple of weeks before we broke up, I would just be doing random things and start thinking about mine and my ex's relationship and wonder why we were together. I told myself that it was because her and I got along so great, went together so well. Eventually I started asking myself more and more why I was with her, where it was going ... and I decided that she wasn't the type of person that I want to be with a few years down the road. Don't get me wrong, we got along pretty well, we never fought. I just started wanting something different. Honestly, at this point I don't know what I want. I know that she was happy with our relationship, we've talked about that. I was happy too, and I wouldn't have been misserable if I stayed with her. But I think that I can get along just as if not better with someone else. If I stayed with her I'd never know what else is out there. Everyone is telling me that her and I need to get back together just because I still care about her and am still attracted to her. I can't give anyone a reason as to why I wont get back with her besides, "I don't want to". And that has started to get me thinking ... am I really supposed to be with her? Was it wrong for me to just walk away from a year relationship because I started to get bored?
sarah12 Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 Hi, I kind of have some experience with your story...except I am neither person in your relationship. But I can give you some perspective because I have thought about this a lot. I dated a guy who is in your situation now, except he is about 5 years older than you. He was with his girlfriend for 4.5 years but just didn't really love her anymore, and also didn't know what else was out there. He was 17 when he started dating her and after all that time, he fell out of love with her, and also wanted to be with someone different. He couldn't see a future with her and there were things about her that bothered him and so he broke up with her 4.5 years later. Needless to say, she was really hurt. She was still madly in love with him, even though they both had changed so much over the years, and didn't change together, or for the better for each other. Anyways, he started dating me shortly after they broke up (I had no idea about this ex until much later..) and things were great with us. However, he kept feeling really guilty about hurting his ex. So we broke things off, but it was hard because he knew that if it weren't for her and her crying to get him back, him and I would have lasted a long time. Well, it's been half a year since all that happened, and in the last 2 months, he has gotten back together with his high school sweetheart and broke up with her about 4 times. All their friends think that they are stupid for being together, because it is obvious that it will never work. The point of my story is that he kept going back to her because he was comfortable with the relationship, but not entirely happy. He was satisfied, but not happy. He's still with her I think, but he's still confused as heck and the comfort factor of the relationship drives him back in more than anything else. Just like how you are still attracted to your ex, he isn't really attracted to his ex, but he'd been with her for so long, it's hard to imagine her not in his life, even though he feels like she's more of a good friend than anything else. He can't bear to let her go tho because he doesn't want to hurt her again, so it's like a vicious cycle or more like a trade off - he can be satisfied with her but as happy as he could be, but at least he knows it'll be stable because he KNOWS she'll never leave him - or he can date others, find what he really wants, but he doesn't have that now, so he doesn't even know IF the grass will be greener on the other side. Personally, I think that if you've been broken up once, there must be good reason for it. People don't break up 'just cause'. Something must have driven them to break up in the first place, and if you've gotten to that point once, it will most likely happen again, unless things have changed. i.e. the person has changed, circumstances have changed. Another thing is that you are 18 years old. It DOES matter, because you still have a lot of time and a lifetime of experiences ahead of you in terms of dating. I am 22 now and have dated a lot since I was 18, with one serious relationship in between. I can honestly say that I am happy with myself and I have learned a lot about life while I haven't been in a serious, committed relationship. A lot of my friends who were in long term relationships and have broken up, now regret not having just been single and had their fun, experienced life and casually dated the few years. Even the ones who have found "the one" wish they had found them later in life, so they could do more dating and living to see what else was out there. Plus, when you do see what's out there, you will appreciate it more when you do find that one person you want to be with. I think it's great if you do find someone you love and want to be with, even if it's at a young age, but if you have any doubts at all, I don't think that person is the right one for you. Love has no doubts and love takes no breaks. You either love her with all your heart and stay committed, or you leave her completely and so that you can both be at peace to move on. "I don't want to" is not your reason for not wanting to be with her. You have valid reasons - you want something else, other qualities that she doesn't have. You don't need to fight to figure out that the person isn't right for you. It was the same way with my ex of a year - we never fought, but he just didn't have everything that I wanted, and so I broke up with him. I have no regrets, and I sincerely hope that he will find someone else that will make him much happier, as I hope the same for myself. Anyways, I think I've gone on long enough here...I feel like I am talking to my younger brother here...good luck and post some more if you are still debating on this situation.
TommyGirl Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 Cooter, I applaud you for breaking up with her, knowing how you were feeling. I just have a few questions to ask you. You said you were with her for a year, did she change or something within that year, or did it take you a year to figure out that you did not like some of the qualities that she had? If you saw her with someone else, would that make you mad or jealous? How did she take the breakup?
Cooter Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 Thank you for the wonderful advice. She changed a little. She lost a lot of her independance, became very attached to me. She'd get upset if I turned her down to go do something else. But she was still the same wonderful person. I love her so much as a person, and I was fairly certain that I was in love with her. My ex is an amazing person, if I wouldn't have broken up with her, things would have been fine .. I would have been happy, I wouldn't have been miserable. But I still would have wondered what else is out there... wondered if there was something better. She was my first serious girlfriend. We went through a lot. When I broke up with her I felt physically sick. I almost passed out ... I was afraid to talk to her for a week after. The sight of her crying and knowing that it was because of me was the hardest thing I've ever been through. She took it pretty rough .. much worse than me. She was depressed for a few weeks, lost ten pounds. She's doing alright now though, and I'm fine. I'm not quite sure how I would react if I saw her with someone else. The thought of another guy being with her intimately the way I was with her, makes me have a slight urge to punch him in the face. If she were to go out and get another boyfriend, I wouldn't be heartbroken. I'd like to say I'd be completely fine with it, but I really don't know.
sarah12 Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 Cooter - you sound exactly like this guy I was telling you about. Everything you described about how you feel, is how he is too. I personally don't think that anyone should contact their ex's after they break up. Maybe for a short while after the break up, just to make sure everything is okay, and that there is closure. But after that, you can never move on if you keep looking back. Nobody wants to see their ex's with somebody else, no matter how long it's been since the break up. My point is, that maybe you should soon end all contact with her, if possible. In time, everyone gets over a break up, but it's that time period of grieving that you need to allow for. It's during that time that you need to resist going back (if you are 100% sure you don't want to be with her). You also will probably notice that you're thinking about all the good times and the good things about her, and tend to forget all the reasons you broke up with her. But you need to keep reminding yourself of those reasons, if you intend to stay broken up, or else, the whole situation will turn into a big mess.
Guest Posted July 19, 2004 Posted July 19, 2004 WHat exactly do you think would be different with someone else? It sounds to me you may be looking for something you already had.
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