nevadagirl Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 I don't feel good, mind you. I feel...somewhere in limbo. Sort of out of it. I believe NC is important and has been throughout this whole ordeal. My ex...he never respected NC. So a breakup that was already rough enough became so much worse. So much harder to let go of. But enough of that victim **** right? I managed to cut him out for the most part. Enough to facilitate some serious healing. I posted a few days ago about him e-stalking me and then again with the hey can we be friends crap. On meetup of all places. You see - there is no safe place from someone like this. Perhaps a coffin would do? And it is crap because this person does not care about me. This person does not care about how he hurt me. This person will never apologize. But this person will will indulge his ego at my expense. Every. Time. I ignored this meetup email from this person who does not even use meetup. I ignored it. A week goes by and he emails me under a different email address. The same thing really. Oh I don't know if you're interested in hearing from me and you might have ignored my other email but just in case I will ask you again. And he asked if I was watching my favorite television show (which used to be our show). And he asked if we could be friends. But all in caps. With S's and Z's. I knew he had a girlfriend. Did I know this from facebook stalking or google stalking? No. I knew this because that was really what the contact was about. The request for my "friendship" again would come on the tails of a new love. I always, always knew that this was coming. Because all the requests for my friendship came when he'd just done something that would hurt to know about. I realized - now almost 11 months post break-up that NC wasn't right anymore. Because for a day I felt a sick validation that ...maybe I still meant something even though I knew that I did not. Even though I thought I felt indifferent most of the time. Even though inside I knew he had a girlfriend. So I decided to confirm it. Although all of his facebook became and stayed public the day he went to visit his super-ex girlfriend and have sex with her and post pictures of the two of them together barely a month after we broke up, there was only one picture of him and the new girl cuddled up together in his parents' house and it was from about a month ago. 20 days (because I ****ing counted) after this public Facebook display that I think he hoped I saw he "randomly" joins my meetup. A week after this intrusion remains unnoticed I get the email. And a week after being ignored I get a new one. So how does it feel...knowing officially that I am replaced? Replaced by a pretty young successful artist. An upgrade. Not particularly great. I nervously looked at his old online dating account first. Deleted. Then to the facebook. Then to hers. Then to her tumblr. Then to the photos of the two of them that go back to at least January. Then the feeling that I was delusional during that time around his birthday at the end of February and started reading missed connections because we had this sick history with that. But didn't he write that to me right at the beginning of March? I mean he put his name on it. He referenced the game I used to play. And that one he deleted...guess the relationship wasn't serious then...maybe it was all in my head my head my head Delusional. Felt delusional. I question myself. Why haven't I met my upgrade? Oh yea I remember. I stopped searching. I think it was important to confirm my supposed worst fears. And I responded to him. I told him - Here is a response for you because that is all you actually want. And I wrote that I do not hate you. And I am not mad. And I do not love you. And I am not in love. And I don't think you care but I think you care about me seeing your life. So here I am looking at your life. You have a girlfriend and I don't care. Because when something happens with me there is no desire to tell you about it. Any friendship would be forced and weird. And I said I am not a sociopath and that I wasn't indifferent. That I had moments where I missed him and wished we could talk but always realized I didn't actually have anything to say to him. I told him - because I had never actually said these words before but silence doesn't speak as loudly as you'd think - to not contact me anymore. I sent it at about 2 in the morning. He responded less than a minute later. He copy/pasted the part where I said I have moments where I miss him...and said "That's really all I was feeling when I wrote that. Sorry if I crossed a line. I hope you're doing awesome because when I do think of you I think of you as hilarious and great. Take care " da da da when I DO think of you not when I think of you da da da pain. expected though. The only part that wasn't true was obviously the part about not caring about the new girlfriend. But my reaction didn't have much to do with him. It was about me. My life. What was I doing. If he was SO bad how did he end up with so many friends and the social life and the upgrade. The woman so out of his league. Compare Compare Compare. Try to remember that I stopped dating for a reason. I stopped trying to fill that void with another person. Maybe he was ready for a new love. A girl he met a whole 3 months after we were over. Maybe it grew into something amazing, missed connections be damned. I'm trying to remember now that I was trying to work on myself. I am filled with a renewed discomfort at the thought of hitting the town because his psycho-to-be (or soulmate to be) and him seem to always be doing things together. Out on the town. Taking pictures. The sick validation I felt for a day told me I had to put a stop to my false hope that I meant anything. I needed to know. And now I know. I hope this is the beginning of the end of this nightmare.
Exit Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 It is what it is, can't change it now. I don't think you said anything too terrible. Besides, it's one thing to break NC when you're the dumpee and the other person hasn't said anything to you, but in your case this guy was trying to get back into your life anyway, so technically there already was contact and you just decided to tell him to get lost. I know the feeling of wondering why the horrible person is the one who ended up with the social life and the new partner and all the successes while meanwhile I have nothing. I've simply come to accept that life is not fair. Take a proactive approach to stopping any further contact from him. Block whatever email addresses of his that you know. Don't just count on him to stop the contact and then blame it on him when he bothers you again. I also hope that this will help you finally move forward.
Author nevadagirl Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 Mm. If someone contacts me that I have explicitly told not to I will blame them. Especially when they have to create a whole new email address because they know I've blocked their real one. And yesterday he facebook messaged my roommate. A girl he knew only briefly while I lived with her for a few months in 2011. I moved out for a year and but now we are roommates again. They wern't friends. Not on Facebook. Not in person. Yet her...of all people...he contacts. Just to say hey sup. And I have no idea how the hell he'd know we're roommates again either. I'm sure it's all a big coincidence. Always such a coincidence. I wish I could be such a high functioning sociopath. Charm the masses. Make my crazy actions seem completely sane. Normal. Must be a great life.
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