Boyfriend doesn't seem interested in hearing about issues going on in my life

[Onlyjonley]

I've been having issues at work as of late. I have an insane, bipolar boss that has made my life at work a living hell. (And yes, I'm job hunting.) She has made me cry several times in the last month and is just a miserable human being.

 

And of course I want to go home and vent about these things and get these issues off my chest. But when I talk to my boyfriend about them, I don't get much of a response. And he honestly doesn't act interested whatsoever in what I'm going through.

 

His response is usually, "Oh, I'm sorry, babe. That is really too bad." Or I'll get a couple "mmhmms" And then he'll give me a kiss and normally goes on about his business or changes the subject.

 

When I talk to other friends and family about these issues, I get advice or words of encouragement or just comfort. And that's what I want from my boyfriend, the person I'm closest to and the person who is supposed to be my rock. I feel strong support in a relationship is crucial.

 

I brought it up to him and asked why he didn't seem interested in my problems. He said he didn't know what to say and that he definitely cares about what's going on. And that he didn't realize he was coming off that way. We're supposed to talk about it more later.

 

Now granted, he isn't always like this. In the past year, I've had other minor things I've dealt with that he's been helpful with and tried to help me resolve (examples: an issue with a dirty roommate, car problems, etc). But this work stuff is really affecting me in a great way and is a major part of my life, and I feel like the person who should be supporting me the most through this isn't there.

 

I don't want to be overly sensitive about this. I just want to know I can count on him through the tough times.

[Onlyjonley]

Pretending to care about what women have to say doesn't come naturally for all men.

 

If he has to pretend to care, that is just sad. If the tables were turned and it was him going through something tough, I'd do whatever I could to help.

[Ninjainpajamas]

From what memory serves hebbywebby, It doesn't seem your relationship is one of this nature...I think you are always going to wish/want more out of this relationship in terms of closeness...It doesn't seem like he's necessarily the most compatible man out there for you in terms of support.

 

The only reason I mention that is because you have to have realistic expectation levels...does this person process what you are telling them? do they respond to it and act on it? or do they have to be taken by the hand and shown?

 

As long as you're with this man I think you're going to have to be doing a lot of work in this regard. You're going to need to break this down to him and explain to him exactly what you expect and need from him...to the exact action or gestures....you can't be like I don't want to tell him I just want him to do it himself, I think you'll just be frustrated and he'll just not even understand why there's a problem.

 

Granted, I want to be fair and unbiased and speak in general terms when it comes to men...men do typically have to learn how to become more supportive and sensitive to a woman's needs because that definitely doesn't always come natural or is easy to understand...for myself It took a real flipping around scenario to be selfless and analyze what I was doing wrong and to do better to improve myself although I'm naturally pretty emotionally expressive and communicative so it was an easier transition.

 

You have to observes his strengths and his weaknesses in the relationship and really think practically how you can change this...this is about growing up. Honestly men learn the most from reflecting on the past, from past relationships more than they do during the actual relationship..you may even be planting the seed for the next relationship given this doesn't last (just saying that's a reality, not commenting directly on yours in this regard) and then he'll learn from that and process that and change his behavior in the future.

 

Give him something to work with though, whether it's an article or encourage another man to advise him or talk with him about this, sometimes a third party goes way farther than you ever could because he'd actually process it differently and this point your words are probably just redundant and eventually he'll get frustrated and not figure it out.

 

You want him to be supportive, encouraging, seem emotionally invested and interested in how you feel and what you're going through and give you more attention and show more concern and do something nice for you that makes you feel about it even IF it doesn't fix it...but men don't get that, they either feel they need to fix it with a solution or they just don't know what you want them to say at all, they're just confused. So you'll have to figure out different ways to get through to him, tell him exactly what you want and need, tell him exactly how you feel and get his full undivided attention and tell him what he has to do...talk to him like a child in simple terms (without making it obvious) so that he really gets it, assume he will get nothing.

 

It might not be the most romantic and enticing method of communication and support you desire, but It'll make a helluva lot more difference If you do it that way then expect him to just "get it" one day...chances are he's not going to understand much at all just become frustrated.

[Onlyjonley]

From what memory serves hebbywebby, It doesn't seem your relationship is one of this nature...I think you are always going to wish/want more out of this relationship in terms of closeness...It doesn't seem like he's necessarily the most compatible man out there for you in terms of support.

 

The only reason I mention that is because you have to have realistic expectation levels...does this person process what you are telling them? do they respond to it and act on it? or do they have to be taken by the hand and shown?

 

As long as you're with this man I think you're going to have to be doing a lot of work in this regard. You're going to need to break this down to him and explain to him exactly what you expect and need from him...to the exact action or gestures....you can't be like I don't want to tell him I just want him to do it himself, I think you'll just be frustrated and he'll just not even understand why there's a problem.

 

Granted, I want to be fair and unbiased and speak in general terms when it comes to men...men do typically have to learn how to become more supportive and sensitive to a woman's needs because that definitely doesn't always come natural or is easy to understand...for myself It took a real flipping around scenario to be selfless and analyze what I was doing wrong and to do better to improve myself although I'm naturally pretty emotionally expressive and communicative so it was an easier transition.

 

You have to observes his strengths and his weaknesses in the relationship and really think practically how you can change this...this is about growing up. Honestly men learn the most from reflecting on the past, from past relationships more than they do during the actual relationship..you may even be planting the seed for the next relationship given this doesn't last (just saying that's a reality, not commenting directly on yours in this regard) and then he'll learn from that and process that and change his behavior in the future.

 

Give him something to work with though, whether it's an article or encourage another man to advise him or talk with him about this, sometimes a third party goes way farther than you ever could because he'd actually process it differently and this point your words are probably just redundant and eventually he'll get frustrated and not figure it out.

 

You want him to be supportive, encouraging, seem emotionally invested and interested in how you feel and what you're going through and give you more attention and show more concern and do something nice for you that makes you feel about it even IF it doesn't fix it...but men don't get that, they either feel they need to fix it with a solution or they just don't know what you want them to say at all, they're just confused. So you'll have to figure out different ways to get through to him, tell him exactly what you want and need, tell him exactly how you feel and get his full undivided attention and tell him what he has to do...talk to him like a child in simple terms (without making it obvious) so that he really gets it, assume he will get nothing.

 

It might not be the most romantic and enticing method of communication and support you desire, but It'll make a helluva lot more difference If you do it that way then expect him to just "get it" one day...chances are he's not going to understand much at all just become frustrated.

 

Thanks for the response. He has told me many times that he wants to be the best he can be for me, but that I need to let him know what I need because he's not a mind reader.

 

This can be frustrating because the things that come so natural for me as a female don't even cross his mind. On the other hand, I don't want him to feel like I'm constantly barking at him that he needs to do this or do that.

 

He really is caring in so many other ways. It's just that this particular issue makes me feel like he doesn't care.

[Ami1uwant]

He was listening to you and figured you were venting because he knows you are looking for a new job. Yo him there is nothing for him to say to you.

 

men and women communicate differently.

 

From a guys persoective he wants to help you sole your problem but since he probably told you already how to solve the problem he isnt saying anything anymore.

 

I agree with the others who have said what women complain about, men just ignore.

[fishtaco]

I'm going through this with my GF too. Not exactly, but something similar.

 

Like Greznog said, something that is a big deal to her really is not a big deal to me. For example, my GF has given me crap repeatedly about missing her txt. Just the other day, she missed my txt. So she was apologizing profusely... she's not a hypocrite, she doesn't only have that rule for me but she gets to break it herself. But I didn't think it was a big deal at all, so I didn't make a big deal out of it, she really didn't even need to apologize, because I'm not a hypocrite either. Incompatibility right there.

 

So who wins? Why do men have to learn to deal with women but women don't have to learn to deal with men?