jst4today Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 My boyfriend whom I started dating in the US 3 years ago just broke up with me (less than a week ago) after a year of living with him in France. I thought, we both thought, that it was forever. We talked about it all the time. However, when I moved here to France I depended on him a lot for things I normally wouldn't depend on another person for if I was in a country where I could speak the language. He had to make my doctor appointments, help me set up a bank account and cell phone. etc... I had already been friends with his friends, so it was mostly him who made plans for us for the weekend. I made the mistake to not make much of an effort of creating my own life separate from him here and began almost depending on him for my happiness. As the months went on, the lonelier and lonelier I became if he wasn't around. I started to drink much more than I normally did. First on week nights, then every night, then not just drinking every night but not even coming to bed unless I was completely wasted or at least sufficiently buzzed. I picked fights with him after I started drinking in the afternoon when he'd come home from work. I'd cry and be dramatic about little things that wouldn't normally upset me. We fought every single night we went out together after a while until finally in the midst of a fight last friday morning (4:00) he just broke up with me. I was so unhinged and upset (and drunk) that I went into our bathroom and punched the mirror. It shattered everywhere and I ended up having to get 5 stitches in two of my fingers. He stuck to his decision the next afternoon when we woke up and he packed a suitcase and went to stay at a friend's vacant apartment across town. Feeling desperately alone despite the company of my favorite drinking buddy all day, I continued to drink by myself after my friend went home. I had sworn I wouldn't call my boyfr---excuse me, ex boyfriend but we all know why they say to stay away from any substances after a break up. I called him up, begged him to come home and when he said no I told him I was going to go jump off of our 12th story balcony. I hung up the phone and walked to the other side of the railing. I looked down at the street below me and the last thing I can remember was thinking about how good it would feel to just let go. All I had in my life at the time was him and now it was gone. When I woke up the next morning I was happy to be alive. I realized at that moment that I had a serious drinking problem. I was not the girl he fell in love with anymore and I had to do something about it. For me. I gave up drinking that very day and I have been sober for 5 days now. That's the longest I've been sober in at least a year. With each day my mind becomes clearer and clearer. I smile simply because it feels SO GOOD to be sober. I attended 2 AA meetings this week (one in English and one in French) and I really think I've found my niche. I've started exercising every day, signed up for a yoga program and painting classes which is something I have wanted to do since I moved here a year ago. I haven't told any of this to him yet mostly because I feel it's too early. Yes I feel good and yes I'd love to share with him how well I'm doing because I know he would be happy to hear, but right now I feel that I need to be focusing on getting sober and happy. They say in AA that alcoholism is a disease and you are powerless to it. The only way I can imagine my life at this point is sober because it's making me feel so happy. However, I still feel it's kind of a cop out to blame everything on alcohol, but honestly we never had a single fight when I was sober. Not even when he was drunk and I was sober. I guess my question is do you think if I have sincerely acknowledged my problem and am getting help for it he should give me another chance after some time or has the damage been done? If I was at home I'd take all the time I and he needed to get back on track-separately, but we live together and we are supposed to meet next week and I'm supposed to tell him if I've decided to stay in France or go home. I've decided to stay here. I have two jobs I committed to teaching this next school year and really nothing for me at home except the option to live at my parents house. I feel if I left France now I'd feel like a total failure. I keep reading about this NC stuff and I want to do it so I can take some time for myself, but we agreed to meet to discuss the living situation so what should I do?? I feel he's going to flip out if I ignore him because he initially told me he wants to move out as soon as possible. Help please what should I do? p.s. When we broke up the day of he said he was relieved. (I can imagine)
Author jst4today Posted July 27, 2012 Author Posted July 27, 2012 Well, thanks. Your comment was helpful.
Jamesblame Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 It's good you're not drinking, because alcohol is a killer for some people. As to will he get back with you... wouldn't count on it. At the end of the day you're dealing with substance abuse and unhealthy copping methods. He would be crazy to want to go back to that. And I don't say that to be mean. I think you need to focus on getting yourself really healthy. Life is meaningless until you do that.
fucpcg Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 (edited) I broke up with my ex because of her drinking. She begged me back, and after originally not wanting to accept, after about 2 weeks I did, under the one condition that she quit 100%, and vowed to leave her if she had even a beer with dinner I would be gone. She accepted, we got back together, we had an amazing relationship for about a year.... then a fight, a breakup, and her back to drinking. You've been to two meetings? You've been clean how long now? Unless it's years, it really doesn't mean anything. And like your story, my ex and I had numerous problems in our relationship with her drinking, and when we talked about it, she would always promise to quit. She never actually did, till I broke up with her, which meant she wasn't quitting out of her desire (what I've now learned). There is no way that you can say alcohol is behind you, sorry. My ex quit, hit the gym, played all my sports leagues with me, was eating healthy, talked about how much better life was, etc. Today she is right back to where she was before we met. Don't think that you are healthy, and that now you can go back to your boyfriend with confidence, you can't. I don't care how much you think you can, you can't. You better focus on removing your alcohol addiction for the long haul, and not think that you found a quick fix, unfortunately that is NOT how alcohol works. Edited July 27, 2012 by fucpcg
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