I must be entering the depression stage?

[salmagundi]

I need to vent. I'm not doing so great. So far I limit myself to commenting on other peoples situations because when it comes to other peoples problems, the right answer is always obvious. Good advice is easy to give other people.

 

I'm going through what will probably be the most painful breakup of my life. I can't kid myself anymore. Yeah, in the last two weeks I started working out, got a haircut, bought some new clothes, reconnected with friends, reconnected with myself (to some extent). I've been keeping my chin up and telling myself every things going to work out. I still do, but its easy up until the point where you realize...she really is gone. And that I ****ed up. I ****ed up bad. (so did she...but I'm only responsible for me and I can't fall on my sword enough to forgive myself. I am a bloody mess though...

 

I don't know how to let go of her. I know, in my head that emails have to stop, that I have to stop reading into everything she says. That I have to let go of hope. Even if I think their still is some because how the how do I know that?

Every sad broken hearted bastard on this site is convinced that there is still hope...a smidgen, a grain, a microscopic particle.

 

I'm all worked up like this because she just telephoned. On a pretext? I dunno.

She wanted to know if her friend had stopped by to pick up her tent because their going to a festival this weekend. I have no idea if she actually wanted to talk to me or not. I could have done without but not because I didn't want to talk to her but because I no longer know who I am talking to. She's my ex, but what does that mean? She was my girlfriend, my partner, my best friend. Now it felt like I was talking to a stranger. Its only been a week since the last time I saw her, but the distance is already there. Christ, we made small talk like we didn't know what to say to each other. Its unbelievable how much that hurts...

 

Neither of us is completely letting go. Its embarrassingly adolescent but neither of us wants to be the first to change ou fb relationship status. How stupid is that? I can't bring myself to do it. I jokingly told her we should get on that and she was like...ummm...yeah... and didn't... I can't bring myself to delete her either. It would feel like cutting a piece of myself off. That's exactly what it would be.

 

And how do you deal with the guilt, the self-reproach. I was the one that pushed her away, I got scared...I maybe got GIGSy I don't know. But I don't know how to deal with losing her. When I tell people about it, which is as little as possible, all I feel is shame. I can't believe this I'm ready to anonymously ball my eyes out in front of a bunch of anonymous cyber strangers.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for here. Wisdom? A 10 step plan for how to get her back?

 

Maybe I just need you guys to tell me something that will make me feel less like ****...I still need to get up every morning and go to work...its getting harder and harder to do...

 

Thanks... :/

[Canadian731]

At this stage ofcourse you will miss her, I've been broken up for 2 months now and I miss her more then anything when I think about all the times we shared with one another. But whay you have to realize is that she isn't that person you knew, she is a different person now and so are you. In my experience, the best thing that you can do for both of you in this situation is break all contact, delete her from your Facebook, remove your relationship status, don't email, text or call. Even if you plan on getting her back in the future ( I don't reccomend this being a plan though if it happens it happens) you need to let go of the relationship you once had, grieve, cry yoir ****ing eyes out if you need to.

It's not healthy to hold on to a dead relationship though... Goodluck

[salmagundi]

thanks canadian (me too by the way). Now all I need to do is convince myself that it is a dead relationship...

[not-a-drive-by]

It sucks how something as simple as changing a FB relationship can be so difficult on us.

 

I think my ex took the easy way out and just deleted his FB. His reason was that he doesn't use it - or maybe to just hide from friends who will start posting things on the wall asking how did it go down hill, are you alright? etc.

 

It took me a few weeks (or a month) after to change it. Instead of changing to "single", you could hide the status, and not show whether you are in a relationship or not.

 

Regardless, it hurts like hell. I am most afraid that one day he will come back to FB with a new gf, and I will be cut all over again...

 

I'd love to know if there is a way to get an ex back too. So days, I feel depressed like you, forcing myself to get up and go to work. And for what? The person who makes me want to look forward to life is now gone. A hole that won't be replaced in the short-term...

[salmagundi]

hey NADB,

 

Yeah, I'm just old enough to remember what breakups were before facebook...hell...before the internet. They were A LOT easier. It used to be, breaking NC meant you actually had to contact your ex. Now you can break contact just by checking her facebook page...100 times a day

 

That and thinking her unwillingness to change her status is her leaving the door open... I hate fb...

 

And yeah, work is a killer. I have the kind of job where you have to check your sh$&ty mood at the door and put on a happy smile for the public. F$&k that...

 

My life feels like s$&t right now...

[weallfalldown]

Hi. my first post. Hey mate, I'm 37 and recently put my heart and soul into a relationship, including what little money i had moving in with each other. I'm now living at my parents at 37....how embarassing!....I'm not gona go into the details as i'll put in a sep post for that. But i know how you feel dude. Look the bottom line is.....Leave her well alone, as others have said, if she wanted you, she'd be telling you right?,,,,,all this bull about well she may be stubborn or embarassed blahblah ids bull. Human emotions are very strong, and if someone wanted you enough you'd know about it....i was in the same place only 4 yrs ago thinking this will never end, but low and behold i met my last ex, who was one hell of a stunner believe me, even though we aint together lol.......keep moving forward dude, i'm giving up the smokes at the same time, figured i might as well torture myself haha

[Jono85]

dude, first of all, hang in there man. it's really rough, it is. we're all going through or have gone through the exact same ****. i'm starting to feel a LITTLE better last 2 days only cuz i've been on an online dating site and having some nice/flirty talks with some really cute girls. i suppose it's only temporary (unless i meet them and we hit it off) but for now i'll take anything to get my mind off my ex.

 

that being said, you NEED TO STOP TORTURING YOURSELF AND CUT ALL CONTACT!!

 

seriously man, u need to. forgive yourself, and stop beating yourself up over not being the perfect man or bf that nobody is. IMO, just from reading your story, what u did (and it was similar to my situation and how i neglected her/took time to really pour my heart into the relationship, and then it was too late) does NOT excuse her for cheating on u. it just doesn't. stop acting like u are responsible for what happened, b/c ur not. she could have ended things if she thought things had gotten bad, not be a coward and cheat on u.

 

she knows how u feel (that u want to work on things and didn't want this). u need to cut all contact. right now she KNOWS she has u if she wants u/changes her mind. she must feel super comfortable in that (she can look for someone better yet keep u on that back burner). be a man and stop. she let u go. she doesn't deserve u right now.

 

it's crushing to have ur former best friend/life partner treat u like a stranger or worse yet in my case like u don't exist (ever since i sent her the 'i'm done/don't bother with me anymore text' she literally hasn't msged me, even to reply. ouch. u think u mean so much to someone, and they always told u how they wanted a future with u and even the last time we spent the weekend together when we were broken up, she was saying on our picnic that we should carve out 'vanessa + mike forever' on these stones that vistors signed...like really b*tch? so i know what you're going through. but still, BE A MAN and cut contact. if u think it's too cold, just tell her that's what u have to do, and need to move on, before cutting said contact.

[salmagundi]

Hey Jono, thanks for the ass-kicking...I think I needed that...And so far you've always been good for it.

 

I do sound kind of pathetic, don't I. Hopefully intense self-reproach is one of the stages of breaking up.

 

In fact, In real life I put up a pretty strong front, especially to my ex, I only permit myself to be weak on this forum...maybe its something I need to work on...

 

I've already been pretty low contact since last weekend, just a couple. of short messages and that phone call. My ex wants to call me this week to talk about our apartment (I'm moving out for the month of august but we need to decide whats happenning long term.). She's going to montreal for the next couple of weeks to stay with her family so we wont see much of each other for a while.

 

Right now what is hard is I am still staying our apartment, surrounded by the detritus of our relationship...the traces of her are everywhere... It will help to move out and not be in this environment... Hopefully it will give me some perpsective.

 

But right now I am a complete emotional wreck...even if I dont let it show...its like my skin has been peeled off and I'm exposed to everything....

 

Whatever, it'll pass...I hope...

[salmagundi]

I thought I would give a little update on my situation because...I guess I think putting it all down here on this forum will clear my head and help me figure this out.

 

It is what it is so judge if you must but stupidity is my muse, at least in relationships. I follow it where it leads me

 

Me and my ex did a few weeks of low contact in july. I missed her terribly. So did she, apparently. But I have been focusing on myself, figuring out what this breakup has to teach me and concentrating on moving onwards and upwards.

 

And I have been working on getting back with my ex. Not without some success. Since about the beginning of August we have been communicating more. Every weekend when she is off from her job on an organic farm she stays with me, we talk, we hang out, we kiss, we have sex and we act like a couple in all but name. She has come around because she says she has seen how much I've changed over the last few months (quit my old job which was the major source of stress in my life and our relationship, among other things.) I've reacted to the breakup by telling her that she broke up with the man I was, not the man I am but that if its what she wants, that's fine. I won't stop her leaving she can do what she wants. But I told her I will not be her friend and that this breakup is a stupid mistake in my opinion. But she is free to do what she wants and I won't chase after her, I'll move on.

 

Over the last few weeks she has repeatedly downgraded our breakup from 'definitively over' to 'maybe one day we can get back together who knows?' to actually really communicating about how we can maybe actually still work out. But we haven't yet gotten back to definitively getting back together.

 

But our communication is a 100 times better than before, our chemistry and attraction is still 100% there and we have as much fun as ever together. We have talked about how things started going wrong and why and she says she understands me better now and really wishes that she had been more understanding and more clear with her needs instead of expecting me to read her mind. She is still moving out...we agreed that no matter what happens between us we probably need to take a step back by having our own spaces (she was leaning towards staying at one point but I don't think that is a good idea).

 

All this is too the good and I am a patient and stubborn man who knows what he wants and I want her. Unless I can't have and then I'm smart enough to know to move on.

 

The bad is that this ambiguous space we're in (not together, not apart) is really hard to be in because I'm not sure exactly how we get out of it. Could we just carry on like this for months? I told her I was not interested in FWB so if that is what this is we would be better to end it. She told me she doesn't want that either.

 

The other thing that is bothering me is that last week she told me that she was worried about hurting me if we don't end up getting back together. I wondered why she told me this...I'm worried she is in fact warning me that this is the case. I don't know.

 

Right now she is back home visiting her parents for a week before university starts. She wants to take some time to get her head sorted I believe. We have talked a couple of times but while she's been away I have been a bit stressed...I don't know if the way we are going is the right way. Do I continue seeing her like we are until we just naturally get officially back together or would it be a better idea for me to tell her that I need to give her space to figure out if getting back together is in fact what she wants and if not, that we should just break this off sooner rather than later, since I don't want FWB with her. I will see her tomorrow.

 

All I know is I honestly love her and that is making it really difficult to see things objectively and to know I am doing the right thing for myself...

 

Any opinions/ feedback greatly appreciated

[Pogona]

I'm going through a similar thing, maybe not as bad but similar. One thing you need to realize is...you must stop blaming yourself. Even if you did **** up, you HAVE to forgive yourself. Obviously you didn't know your actions would lead to this. Maybe you've learned a lesson. Either way, what's done is done and you can't take it back.

 

**** happens in life. We're all just human. We all screw up sometimes. Forgive yourself, then vow that you won't do it next time (there will be a next time bro, believe that). But if you keep blaming yourself you will crush your own soul from the guilt.

 

Al Pacino may have said it best in The Devil's Advocate: "Guilt is like a bag of ****in' bricks. All you gotta do is set it down!"

 

Seriously. It hurts like hell to carry that around. But all you have to do is set it down, and you'll start to feel better. I know it's not that easy, and it seems like you can't now, but the day will come. Just start trying, and one day you'll break through and realize it wasn't really all your fault. Do it sooner, rather than later, my friend.

[salmagundi]

Hi Pogona,

 

Thanks for the response. You (and Al Pacino...I love that movie!) are right. I did spend a good few weeks flagellating myself over my role in f&?king up our relationship. I'm good with that because I think the most important thing to do in a breakup is too face up to your part in it if you are to get anything out of it growth-wise. I did and I'm better about it...I've set all my bricks down so to speak.

 

Now its a matter of whether we can forgive each other and really give it another go or not. We'll see but I hope this doesn't drag out...