jst4today Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 My boyfriend whom I started dating in the US 3 years ago just broke up with me (less than a week ago) after a year of living with him in France. I thought, we both thought, that it was forever. We talked about it all the time. However, when I moved here to France I depended on him a lot for things I normally wouldn't depend on another person for if I was in a country where I could speak the language. He had to make my doctor appointments, help me set up a bank account and cell phone. etc... I had already been friends with his friends, so it was mostly him who made plans for us for the weekend. I made the mistake to not make much of an effort of creating my own life separate from him here and began almost depending on him for my happiness. As the months went on, the lonelier and lonelier I became if he wasn't around. I started to drink much more than I normally did. First on week nights, then every night, then not just drinking every night but not even coming to bed unless I was completely wasted or at least sufficiently buzzed. I picked fights with him after I started drinking in the afternoon when he'd come home from work. I'd cry and be dramatic about little things that wouldn't normally upset me. We fought every single night we went out together after a while until finally in the midst of a fight last friday morning (4:00) he just broke up with me. I was so unhinged and upset (and drunk) that I went into our bathroom and punched the mirror. It shattered everywhere and I ended up having to get 5 stitches in two of my fingers. He stuck to his decision the next afternoon when we woke up and he packed a suitcase and went to stay at a friend's vacant apartment across town. Feeling desperately alone despite the company of my favorite drinking buddy all day, I continued to drink by myself after my friend went home. I had sworn I wouldn't call my boyfr---excuse me, ex boyfriend but we all know why they say to stay away from any substances after a break up. I called him up, begged him to come home and when he said no I told him I was going to go jump off of our 12th story balcony. I hung up the phone and walked to the other side of the railing. I looked down at the street below me and the last thing I can remember was thinking about how good it would feel to just let go. All I had in my life at the time was him and now it was gone. When I woke up the next morning I was happy to be alive. I realized at that moment that I had a serious drinking problem. I was not the girl he fell in love with anymore and I had to do something about it. For me. I gave up drinking that very day and I have been sober for 5 days now. That's the longest I've been sober in at least a year. With each day my mind becomes clearer and clearer. I smile simply because it feels SO GOOD to be sober. I attended 2 AA meetings this week (one in English and one in French) and I really think I've found my niche. I've started exercising every day, signed up for a yoga program and painting classes which is something I have wanted to do since I moved here a year ago. I haven't told any of this to him yet mostly because I feel it's too early. Yes I feel good and yes I'd love to share with him how well I'm doing because I know he would be happy to hear, but right now I feel that I need to be focusing on getting sober and happy. They say in AA that alcoholism is a disease and you are powerless to it. The only way I can imagine my life at this point is sober because it's making me feel so happy. However, I still feel it's kind of a cop out to blame everything on alcohol, but honestly we never had a single fight when I was sober. Not even when he was drunk and I was sober. I guess my question is do you think if I have sincerely acknowledged my problem and am getting help for it he should give me another chance after some time or has the damage been done? If I was at home I'd take all the time I and he needed to get back on track-separately, but we live together and we are supposed to meet next week and I'm supposed to tell him if I've decided to stay in France or go home. I've decided to stay here. I have two jobs I committed to teaching this next school year and really nothing for me at home except the option to live at my parents house. I feel if I left France now I'd feel like a total failure. I keep reading about this NC stuff and I want to do it so I can take some time for myself, but we agreed to meet to discuss the living situation so what should I do?? I feel he's going to flip out if I ignore him because he initially told me he wants to move out as soon as possible. Help please what should I do? p.s. When we broke up the day of he said he was relieved. (I can imagine)
Author jst4today Posted July 27, 2012 Author Posted July 27, 2012 5 days sober and 2 AA meetings. I'm going to another one tomorrow in the afternoon. It's difficult because they only have one meeting in English per week, but I attended on in French anyways just to feel the vibe of feeling surrounded by others who wanted to be sober that day too. The one I'm going to tomorrow is also in French.
picard123 Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 Yes..you are doing well! I think it might be too early to try and get back with him, but you need to certainly show him you have ackknowledged your problem and gotten help. Well done. He may need some time and space away from all that has happened, and he may need some thinking time, as he will still wonder if this is a temporary fix, but keep on in there girl. I split with someone I very much loved at the time for similar issues, and if he had gotten help as you have, I would have gotten back with him. He didn't sadly. Do this for you, do it for your own life...YOU are the most important factor right now. YOU. All the very best for the future and again, well done for being so strong and seeing the light.
Author jst4today Posted July 27, 2012 Author Posted July 27, 2012 Thank you so much for your kind words and support. That's exactly what I am doing is worrying about myself. I guess now my main question is, should I ignore his phone call or text next week when he wants to get together to discuss our living situation?
yessy21 Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 meet him but just go fresh faced. if he asks you how your doing respond back nicely and acknowledge that you are getting help. decide what it is that you both will do in regards to your living arrangments... and then go NC for a while...focus on yourself. One day you will run into each other... and the way you will glow will say it all for you.
Author jst4today Posted July 27, 2012 Author Posted July 27, 2012 The day after I "threatened" to jump off our balcony he came over and we had a pretty good talk actually. I told him I realized my problem and he said he had no idea the great lengths I went to hide my drinking from him and that he felt bad. I told him I thought I agreed with his decision to break up (even though I didn't at all) and I was looking forward to making myself happy. He said he was happy for me, but still kept making it clear that we were not getting back together. I kept saying "I know I know." But every day I want to think that there is hope for us if I continue to get help.
lemonlime Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 Try to do 90 meetings in 90 days. If at all possible. You made sure you had time to drink every day. So take 90 minutes a day for that. Start getting numbers of sober people and calling them every day. Start making relationships, they will help hold you accountable. Get a sponsor and start doing those steps! I'm going through a... kinda similar situation. You need to let it go for now and focus on getting yourself together. This is especially true if hes in a place where hes really angry, and doesnt want to see you. You have a lot of work you need to do on yourself right now. You need to learn new patterns of behavior and coping, and make those into habits. Things might be good now, but thatll pass, and sobriety will get hard. The people in AA will help support you and hold you up in those times, no matter what happens with him. And know that you most likely will see him and talk to him again. As you go through your steps you'll get to step 9, and it will be time to call him up and ask him to meet you, and then show him who you are at that time. Show him the changes youve made, which he will be more likely to believe if some time has passed. Time tends to heal wounds like this. But right now, hes having a really hard time. It feels like you had this freak out, and then threatened to kill yourself was just one more issue (a huge one) that got thrown on the pile of crap you guys already had. He feels like the drinking is an issue, your isolation, your dependence on him, your emotional instability. In truth they are all probably related to the drinking, or at least what ever the root cause of the drinking actually was. Its only a symptom of the real problem. You take out the drinking, your left with a bunch of crap you dont know how to deal with without the alcohol. Once you learn to do that, the kind of person you are will change, as well as how you interact with the world around you. When that happens, that would be when you should contact him. If he was willing it could be helpful to meet up once a week, or every other week, just for a few minutes so he could see the changes taking place. With how hes feeling though theres a good chance he wouldnt.
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