czen Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 Hello, my current predicament is this: I'm in an almost 6 month long LDR now. It started off great. We had deep conversations, could laugh with each other, etc. We’ve also fantasied about living there and how our life together would be. Anyways it all went great. We saw each other nearly every month. But then she went back to her parents for vacation. Her parents live in Finland whilst she's studying in England. There she was kinda breaking down, because she kinda hates it there, because according to her, her parents kinda treat her like crap. She still goes there, because they're her parents. But she gets really sad there. I went over there then because she was so sad, and she survived her three weeks there. But now she again went back there for her summer vacation. I also was there a couple weeks ago, and we had a good time. But then I left...and since then we nearly only had constant arguing. She’s having a hard time there, because of her parents, because she isn’t with me and because she has a fulltime summer job there which forces her to wake up early. Whilst I can sleep in. Her issues are: Trust: I have a long distance friend. But she’s really jealous of her, even though she has never even met her and I almost never bring her up. It has forced me to put my phone on silent during Skype conversations, because if she hears my phone she’ll be like “oh, that’s probably her again…” which makes her sad and getting reminded that she doesn’t trust me hurts me. She has hinted that I should break off contact with her, but I don’t want to lose my friends when they’re really only friends. Controlling: Also, she hates it that we don’t sleep at the same time. Even though she needs to wake up early and lives an hour ahead of time compared to me. She says that I don’t go to sleep at the same time shows that I wouldn’t go to bed with her on the same time if she was with me. I don't get that logic at all. I thought about going to bed early, but I’m kinda an insomniac, so I really don’t want to do this. The major issue is that I don’t want to be controlled by her. We’ve also slept on skype together a few times, and I’ve let that go on, because she got so sad otherwise, but now I can’t even turn my back to the laptop because that means “I’m turning my back on her”. Insecurity: she’s very insecure. She was a bit insecure before, but now…she’s constantly apologizing when she texts me “because she doesn’t want to bother me” even though I repeatedly told her she never does. She’s also constantly bringing herself down and reminding me of every semi-negative thing said about her. I still rue the day I said that I prefer brunettes over blondes and have a weakness for Asian girls. It doesn’t matter how much I say that I think she’s attractive, she will always remind me of something bad I said. “You don’t like my hair, you like brunettes”, “Well, I’m still not Asian”, etc. I get that she has some issues, her parents, cheating ex-boyfriend, have made her kinda unstable and paranoid. She went to a shrink, but that never really worked, also she promised she would go back to one when she returns to England in two months. She refuses to take the medicine they prescribe her though. But even if that magically solves everything, I still have to deal with this for two more months. I’m willing to put up with it because I love her, but I’m scared that I’m not gonna be in love with her anymore when it all is normal again. We still have a good time sometimes, but the fighting overshadows the good parts. Also, I’ve started lying to her to make her feel better. Not any big lies, but just things I know she would freak out about. Like a while ago I was skyping with that long distance friend, and I just told my girlfriend I was having a movie night with friends. I really don’t like lying to her, but I don’t want to hurt her. Her day was still ruined because she was so sad that she couldn’t skype with me. But all of this is making me feel like I’m living a lie, and keeping her kinda stable has become more of a job than something I really want to do. Does anyone have any tips? I want to be there for her, but I don't want to lose my love for her in the process, nor have my entire vacation ruined because at the moment I'm feeling quite helpless about how to help her.
spareohs Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 Wow, it sounds like you have your hands full. From what I gather, you've hit the nail on the head when you mentioned her being insecure. It sounds like your relationship is the only thing in her life she really has to focus on. Maybe if you encouraged her to find a hobby, meet some new friends, or just do some things apart from each other, that would help her mellow out a bit. You need to remind her that it's awesome to be a team together, but that you should compliment each other, not smother each other. Establishing boundaries is important if she isn't so great at setting them herself, and she probably realizes that she's being difficult which is why she does the whole "sorry I'm bothering you" thing. She also probably just wants to feel like you truly miss her. I know that a random "Hey babe, I was just thinking about you" text in the middle of the day really cheers me up. If you're constantly texting/messaging every two seconds throughout the day, and sleeping with the laptop on throughout the night, you don't have any time to miss her, to explore things that you can discuss later, and like you said, the relationship ends up being a chore. The best thing you can do is be honest with her. Lying about who you are talking to isn't ever a good idea, and if she can't trust you enough to have friends, then you need to seriously consider if that is someone you want to be in a relationship with. I can see it being an issue if you're skyping with the friend more than you're spending time with your SO, but otherwise, all people need to vent. Even when I visit my SO, we take a few hours to ourselves each day, because who wants to be crammed up in someone's space constantly? You sound very patient. But don't let her insecurities make your relationship become a prison. I would suggest telling her that you love her, miss her, and truly are thinking of her, but explore some time apart. Come to an agreement that is acceptable for both of you. If she really enjoys skyping all through the night/sleeping with Skype on, maybe less communication during the day would help make the time you do have together more special. Good luck! Let us know how things progress!
FitChick Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 She sounds like she'd be a lot of work even if she weren't away. Very immature and insecure. She can't handle a ONE hour time difference? Many of us have to deal with EIGHT or more hours, which means one person gets up earlier and one goes to bed later. The Finns are supposedly naturally depressed because they get little sunlight most of the year. Why don't you both emigrate to Australia?
Author czen Posted July 27, 2012 Author Posted July 27, 2012 I skyped with her today a while after this topic...and she completely blew up today because of that friend of mine. I don't even want to know bad it would have been if I told her I skyped with her... But yeah, she told me a bunch of very insulting and hurtful things, like that she hates how I won't stop talking to her and that's why she hates me too now. And that I've cheated on her because I sometimes make playful/flirty remarks and dirty jokes to that friend of mine. I told her I wouldn't end my friendship with her, and also that that doesn't mean I'm coosing that friend over her, but I just think it's a outrageous request and that she needs to trust me and accept it. She apologized later, I knew she would. Every time she loses it, she always apologizes a while later... The Finns are supposedly naturally depressed because they get little sunlight most of the year. Why don't you both emigrate to Australia? Haha, true dat XD I was there in spring…I don’t even want to know how bad it was in winter. :/ But she did have the idea to make us move to California later, so we’ll be improving on that aspect anyway Wow, it sounds like you have your hands full. From what I gather, you've hit the nail on the head when you mentioned her being insecure. It sounds like your relationship is the only thing in her life she really has to focus on. Maybe if you encouraged her to find a hobby, meet some new friends, or just do some things apart from each other, that would help her mellow out a bit. She's mostly okay when she is in England (she has a few friends there, is in a sports team), but when she is in Finland, she really doesn't do anything. I’ll try to encourage to do more catching up with her old friends anyway,. She did that a weekend ago, and that weekend was actually without any major arguments. If you're constantly texting/messaging every two seconds throughout the day, and sleeping with the laptop on throughout the night, you don't have any time to miss her, to explore things that you can discuss later, and like you said, the relationship ends up being a chore. Yeah, that sounds about right. She kinda sees it a bit differently, a few days ago she was like “I miss the days when we used to skype for like 7 hours”. We did that at the beginning, because everything was new then and we wanted to get to know each other. For her it of course is a sign I don’t love her enough. Funny thing is that the start of the relationship she was kinda the opposite, she said “Oh, I’m really not a clingy girl, I need my space you know?” Maybe I should remind her of that too. But I’ll try and have a talk with her like you said and set up some kind of agreement, thanks. I’ll keep everybody posted of course If anyone has anything else to add as advice, please do
delight Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 ok first off "I’m willing to put up with it because I love her, but I’m scared that I’m not gonna be in love with her anymore when it all is normal again" Does this indicate that you like to 'fix' people and when they are fixed you need another project? just a thought ...u can't be scared you wont love someone anymore...either you love them or you dont if you fall out of love then it is that is also something you cannot control. I wouldnt lie to her about skyping your friend though, one lie leads to more and really you cannot walk on egg shells in a relationship, you have to work through things together which i appreciate is very hard in a long distance. You two will absolutely have to work out a compromise on this because it will only blow up in your face otherwise. Reassure her that this is just a friend that you have no romantic inclination towards that person ... of course she feels threatened if you are skyping another female becuase that is how she relates to you when you arent together so in a way shes feeling her territory is jeopardized.I really don't feel that she doesn't trust you, really this is a self esteem issue on her part ... it seems like she feels shes not good enough and is looking for ways to affirm this "I'm not brunette". Also how long was she out of the relationship where her ex cheated on her ? if she didnt have enough time to heal then most likely going straight into another relationship has left her raw and she could be projecting onto you.But lying to her is another form of cheating, I understand your motives but is it a good relationship if you have to lie and she feels insecure?
Author czen Posted July 28, 2012 Author Posted July 28, 2012 ok first off "I’m willing to put up with it because I love her, but I’m scared that I’m not gonna be in love with her anymore when it all is normal again" Does this indicate that you like to 'fix' people and when they are fixed you need another project? just a thought Didn’t really mean it like that, it’s just that this relationship is becoming so much of a chore at times and I’m afraid that I will cause me to fall out of love and perhaps even begin to resent her for it. I really don't feel that she doesn't trust you, really this is a self esteem issue on her part ... it seems like she feels shes not good enough and is looking for ways to affirm this "I'm not brunette". Also how long was she out of the relationship where her ex cheated on her ? if she didnt have enough time to heal then most likely going straight into another relationship has left her raw and she could be projecting onto you.But lying to her is another form of cheating, I understand your motives but is it a good relationship if you have to lie and she feels insecure? It kinda mostly is a self-esteem issue. She even said a few times “Sometimes I don’t get why you’re with me”. I keep on reminding her, but after a few days she seems to ‘forget’ again. That relationship ended about 1 year before our relationship started. It really hurt her though, the relationship only lasted for about a year, but they got engage and after that he cheated and dumped her via e-mail. It’s kinda the source of her insecurity, since she said a while ago “He got engaged to me and then cheated on me…so it’s my fault, I drove him away”. Also, she has kept on talking to her sporadically until a month ago, I don’t think that helped. And it’s true that the relationship ain’t great at the moment, sometimes there are moments I get reminded how good it was though. I’m just hoping this will get better soon. I’ve talked to her today and she said she would accept my friendship anyway. I hope that will last. We still have a long way to go though, so thanks for your post. 1
justwhoiam Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 My two cents. As long as she's so into you, you're fine, because you'll know she's in love with you. I guess you realized about that, so if she starts acting more indifferent, your alarm would start ringing... About you LD friend. Can your gf read your conversations? If she said you like flirting... it's probably true. Guys do that, they're hunters by nature. And some girls are particularly playful. If you don't want to lose her, she must know what's going on with that friend. As simple as that. If you cross the line, she will make a fuss out of it. Don't cross any line and you'll be fine. Also, don't have too long conversations with this friend. Make it 40 minutes max per session and no more than twice a week. Also, never let it happen that it will take time from your gf. DON'T switch your mobile off or to silent mode. If anyone calls, let her hear your phone calls. Otherwise it just seems you're doing things behind her back. If you think this is too much and you want to be free, find someone else or just don't be in a relationship. 1
delight Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 aw thats great, I feel sorry for her that she met that guy who cheated on her he sounds like a nasty piece of work but just keep reassuring her that you arent like him and that she has no right to judge you by his standards.Im also in a long distance and believe me distance itself can play tricks on you! She sounds a bit like me, an over thinker! I think she needs to let go of the fear she has of being hurt again ...tell her to read the power of now.I wish you both the best of luck, love and happiness
dacookie Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 Big list of issues and sounds a lot like my ex, very similiar except yours seems even more extreme especially about the controlling.Sounds to me like she is obsessed with you and that no matter what she will always be like this(depressed) because of baggage, pushing you away because she does not want to be hurt.If you can honestly say to yourself that you have done nothing seriously wrong and yet she keeps acting like this I want you to ask yourself if you could live with her still being like this.If the answer is no I would break it off ASAP.Its okay to be a little insecure in an LDR cause trust is all you have but asking you to go to sleep/wake up at same time/leave skype on when sleeping is just ridiculous. To Fitchick, I really doubt sunlight is the sole cause.I live in a cold country too where it rains almost every day.It does contribute but no where near to the degree of all this that is going on in this guys situation.Person dependent for sure.
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