A question on respect ?

[redtomato]

Hello all

I am new to this forum but not new to marriage forums. My partner hijacked my other forum and I don't feel comfortable posting there (I get the "why did you write that" speech).

 

Here's my problem: I have always had a hard time sleeping. And I mean all the way back to when I was a child. The doctor said my mind was "born busy". But sleeping with ear plugs helped and so I've used those for nearly 30 yrs. 10 yrs ago when I met my partner, because of her snoring, I had the dr. give me Lunesta. Over the years, her snoring has gotten worse and to combat that, I started medicating more and more until I was a zombie before bed (these are meds I've taken for years for a medical problem). Needless to say, my body is now use to these meds and they do no good unless on an empty stomach. So I've hurt no one but myself.

Through the years, I have missed out on sleep when sharing a bed with her. So we would sometimes sleep in different rooms. This wasn't a problem with her until a year ago. She would mention she wanted us to sleep together all the time (we lived together the first 6 yrs of our relationship and she had her own place the last 4 yrs and we just moved back in together a month ago). So yada yada yada

I had a sleep study done last month because I started walking in my sleep again a few months ago (I did this when I was very little but grew out of it). I've hurt myself twice now (put teeth almost through gum & broke nose)

The sleep study stated I need to be in a dark, quiet, cooled room in order to help myself get to deep sleep enough to be relaxed to not be tired all the time.

 

My partner is a nurse. So she is supposed to understand these medical things.

 

Here's where the respect question comes in: I've asked her to sleep in another bed ONLY on nights she is snoring loudly (I can't sleep in that bed because it's in her office and she works from home). She said no! She stated she will only 'allow' me to sleep w/o her ONCE per month. That she doesn't feel like a couple if we are not sleeping together.

 

She read the sleep study. She knows I'm only getting to the state of deep sleep about an hour each time I sleep. She read the recommendations. She knows I've always had trouble sleeping. She knows w/o sleep that I get exhausted (on top of my other medical problems which w/o good sleep, compounds my pain).

 

I completely understand why she wants us to share a bed. But to come out and say she will not 'allow' me or her to sleep apart except once a month, regardless of how it affects my health, I feel is downright disrespectful.

 

This is just one of a multitude of problems we have that I thought would get better when we moved back in with each other.

[Els]

I do think that it is inconsiderate of her to know all of those problems and yet still insist on having things her way. Is this an isolated issue or has she behaved in this way in other aspects as well?

 

Sleeping together is important, but IMO the most important part of that is the intimacy before you sleep. Not just sex, but also the part where you lie in each others' arms before you fall asleep.

 

Now, you CAN still have that while sleeping apart. How about you suggest that you lie down with her in her room until she falls asleep, and then you get up and go to yours, where you can sleep healthily?

[Got it]

I have had trouble sleeping most of my life as well and I completely understand the "busy brain" comment. I feel our pain.

 

While I respect your wife's stance about wanting to be together there has to be a happy medium outside of you being told to just suck it up. If she doesn't like the idea of sleeping separate what about her getting medical help on her snoring?

[KungFuJoe]

Scratch that. Tell her to go **** herself and kick her out!

[Ami1uwant]

why hasnt she done any sleep study on her snoring?

 

Have you asked her what she be done to fix your problem---what did she say?

[whichwayisup]

Compromise. Cuddle and talk before bed IN bed together for at least an hour or so. do the sex thing or whatever mood you two are in. That intimacy is what she is wanting and needing. She misses that! The thing is her point isn't coming across properly.

 

There's absolutely nothing wrong in sleeping in separate bed sometimes. I will not sleep in bed with my H if I am sick or if he is sick. Partially because neither of us want to pass the cold on to one another and also it's better for the person who is sick to sleep in the bedroom and the well person sleeps in the guest room.

 

Some nights I can't sleep, takes me forever to doze off. IT drives me crazy if he falls asleep first because then i hear the snoring and it makes it worse. So, I go into the other room. Sometimes I wake up and crawl back into bed with him, other times I don't. It's no big deal either way.

 

In your situation it's a real case of not getting a good nights sleep and if it means most of the time its' separate beds, so be it. As I said, spend time before bed together and also in the morning. Wake up a bit earlier so there's fool around and cuddle time before getting out of bed. Compromise!!

[Emme]

If your wife is a nurse the first thing she should have done was find out why she was snoring. If she had gotten tested at a facility for a few days maybe they would figure a sleep apnea machine would help her. For you to choose taking meds to the point where they no longer work is insane.

 

I know you might not want to hurt her feelings but not being considerate of your state is insensitive. I understand she might have that need for closeness but your health comes first. Its time for you to stand your ground and tell her no I will not damage my body anymore to make you happy. Fix your snoring and then maybe we can go back to the way things were. For now if you have to, sleep on the floor in another room. Get a Aerobed, anything.

 

Please place your health first.

[BetrayedH]

She's the one that needs a sleep study. She'll get diagnosed with sleep apnea and get a CPAP.

 

Be sensitive to the intimacy issue. Guys are as dull as a watermelon when it comes to reading signals. Your W is being direct about what she needs. Communicate that you have heard her and that you thinking sleeping together is important, too. You've done what you can. Getting the sleep study and cpap is her part of the compromise. No need to argue about it. Be calm, cool, and collected but this is your stance.

[redtomato]

I don't see the harm in cuddling until she falls asleep and then I could go to another bed.

 

She refuses to go to a doctor for most things. Unless she's in pain. And she also knows she would be diagnosed with sleep apnea for a mask. But I also have 'heard' one of those things. Good Lord. We most certainly would never be able to sleep together again. lol

 

But I like the advice of laying down with her til she falls alseep. Thank you!

[newmoon]

your health is more important and if you've found a solution then she should respect that, even if it means sacrificing. it seems like she isn't willing to compromise. what about intimacy at another time - make up the cuddling time, etc. that she misses in the morning or at other times instead of nighttime when you are both struggling with sleep issues. this is good for you though - although a nurse, it shows that perhaps her true nature isn't all that caring when it comes to her own partner, so it gives you something to consider when thinking long-term with her; would she be able to handle worse medical problems you might face, etc?

[veryhappy]

Denying sleep is abusive behavior. Why are you putting up with abusive behavior?

[Els]

Way to acquiesce to a raging b*tch, Tomato. Maybe one day you'll sprout that set.

 

Wow, the compromise of cuddling before sleeping apart is equivalent to him 'not having a set'? Glad to see you're all for compromise and working together to resolve issues in relationships, mm?