ThaWholigan Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 I just think we are getting to a point in our society where some people see every person in a relationship as settling. Being realistic for a men or a woman is not settling. There's being realistic and there's being with someone you aren't attracted to. This is the point.....
Woggle Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 No offense to the OP but if she does move I would bet 100 bucks that we will see the same exact kind of posts we see now. Moving does not change a person's subconcious behavior. 6
MrCastle Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 Whats wrong with a move? People move for all sorts of reasons all the time. Just so happens that love is one of the greatest and understandable motivators in the whole world. Im not telling her to move more than once, but Im telling her a change in scenery does change your dating prospects a lot. I can tell you that just from moving out to the suburbs for college. But moving to improve your dating success is not 100% proven to work, nor is it promised. So like I said, she moves, same results; then what? I know some girls on here believe it's totally possible that an entire city of men in their 30's don't have what it takes to spark one individual woman's interest; but isn't there a slight, slight chance that some of this is on her? I mean suggesting she moves because the fault is on her entire city for not getting the job done? Really? Just in terms of numbers here. I know logic and love don't go well together but what are the sheer odds? Are we officially, 100% ruling out OP doesn't have self defeating tendencies. We won't tinker the idea that possibly, maybe, her standards are unrealistic? That possibly, maybe, deep down, she has intimacy issues and finds reasons to not get close to someone? We're just gonna go with the fact that it's her particular city? What about the other women in her age range? Are they all suffering the same fate? 2
Bristolius Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 I don't think that the OP should settle or try to force a spark. But can a person's brain spark at all if it's clouded with angst and ennui? 1
yongyong Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 are you from a royal family? you seem like a typical average american girl.........hahahahaha
Bristolius Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 We have become picky BECAUSE of natural selection. We're attracted to men with good genes because it's what have helped humans survive through thousands of years. With great medical advances at our age, natural selection isn't necessarily choosing the best genes or traits, but the least educated, poor, "I don't know what condoms are" type of people. There's a movie about this.
ascendotum Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 It just means that men are less picky and basically any remotely attractive woman will do for them. What that also means is that women essentially are very replaceable to men (what a great feeling ). So men have no business in patting themselves on the back for seemingly being "less shallow" or "less picky" than women. No, you're not. Men DO go by looks first, after all. I doubt Chubby Chelsea would have have an easy time finding "love" anywhere. So when men complain, you really cannot take them seriously, because what they really complain about is that none of the HOT women gives them the tirme of the day, all the while they are ignoring the plain janes. If cro magnom male man had been as fussy as women, waiting around to meet the right female that helps to create that spark and the warm fuzzy feeling of 'chemistry', then we likely would not be where we are today. We would be further back in the evolution chain and we sure wouldn't be worrying about running out of resources for smaller population (thats a positive). At the companies I work at the 'Chubby Chelseas' don't get left out in the field. The vast majority of them have bfs. The ones I've seen struggle are the non feminine ones or really introverted ones and those over 40. They might not be the ideal for their bfs, but most of their bfs are chubby joes. If 'Chubby Chelsea' goes easy on the food and gets some excercise (not a huge ask) and gets in shape then lots of options will come her way. I've seen it a number of times. Plain Janes likewise while not being the guys immediate desire, still dont do too bad if they keep in shape & have a friendy dte nature + they have to be fine with Avg Joes and there not being a spark. It really is not be the case of not wanting chubby/fat means wanting 'hot' by default, but I know it seems that way for plenty of chubby women over 30. 1
Woggle Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 I am not saying that the OP should settle for somebody she has no feelings for but I have been here long enough to know that some introspection could help her out and I don't see anything wrong with saying that. What would have happened if people kept telling me that my warped views towards women were perfectly okay? The fact that some people were brutally honest forced me to look at myself and I think that if a person wants to improve things it is better to be honest about things. I also agree with those who say men are not as shallow as people think. I see women of all kinds having great love lives. The ones I see who can't find somebody usually have awful personalities and in that case they deserve to be along as would any male version of them. 1
writergal Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 Just a mini-rant. And I mean it, none, zero.. It has been years since I met anyone that I got even a little excited about. This includes online dating too. My relationship with my ex was more forced than genuine attraction. It was a purely logical decision for me: he was just the best option out of bad options. I am very frustrated....I had dates with 9 men in the last few months..and truth to be told, I couldn't care less about any of them. They were all meh, bland and forgettable. I truly do no feel like my standards are too high. I do live in one of those cities with bad ratios for single women (in fact second worst after NYC). I refuse to force another relationship like my last with a "meh" guy....I feel like I just want to join other similar thread starters and "throw in the towel".... I used to share your perception about Minneapolis, despite the fact that it's known to be one of the most datable cities. But then I realized, I was in a dating rut and even if I moved, I'd bring my dating rut (which is a mindset) with me. So, I think you're just in a dating rut right now, which a few small changes could fix. I mean, you had 9 dates with men in the last few months so clearly you have no problem meeting men. But who are you trying to attract? What are the qualities and characteristics of men you'd prefer to date (who would be good for you and not be abusive). I think once you figure out your "type," then the next step is to figure out the best places to meet these types of men. Or, look at your own hobbies and social life. Are there any men who fit your "type" with the kinds of hobbies you have?
OsiStruck Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 I agree there are no men in my area either...lol. Take up self improvement class.. I rather learn something that be irritable on a dumb date with someone I can't wait to leave..lol.
Els Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Now if a person just does not want to be involved with anybody just say it but don't repeat the script about all women being fabulous queens while all the men are lowly slobs that they feel forced to settle for. That is not reality. I would highly recommend putting the poster (I think there was only one) who said the bolded on ignore, too. I don't think she's any different from the Bitter Brigade around here.
Snowman219 Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Life is doesn't work like "Sex and the City" or "Pretty Woman" or whatever romantic fairy tale you can think of. So not everybody will ultimately find a happy relationship in their life. Because there are simply no guarantees in life -especially when it comes to dating. Yet OP, you sound like someone who has bought into the idea that you deserve to have a relationship with a specific kind of man. I believe it is this kind of expectant attitude that ultimately isolates and frustrates you. And it's the same trap that many women in NYC fall into. You're getting stuck in the downward spiral of holding out for more "cash and prizes" so to speak. You aren't impressed with door number 1, and you want to see what's behind door number 3... because you are convinced that you deserve more... Because you are convinced that you are starring in your own romance novel and that "Fabio" or whoever is on his way to save the day. Sure, we all "hold out" a little bit. But it's definitely a gamble and there comes a very real point when you may lose. And lose hard... At the end of the day, some people will have to choose between being content alone or being with someone who falls short of their expectations. It's just the way the cookie crumbles. But (frustratingly) as you age, the choice starts to make itself for you. And that won't necessarily make your life any happier or easier. Sure, run to a new city. But I'm more worried that you may have to move to a new planet or even a new galaxy in order to find a man. So perhaps you should re-evaluate your expectations? She did just put in another post that she didn't care about height BUT they must be so and so high. I almost fell out of my chair laughing. 1
Woggle Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 I would highly recommend putting the poster (I think there was only one) who said the bolded on ignore, too. I don't think she's any different from the Bitter Brigade around here. I know who you are talking about but it is a somewhat common sentiment I have heard. The fact of the matter is that for anybody who actually has some integrity and a desire for a healthy relationship these days of either gender it is damn hard.
kaylan Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 She did just put in another post that she didn't care about height BUT they must be so and so high. I almost fell out of my chair laughing. Wow...she said 5'7...jeez. Thats short for a guy actually. Many dudes here hate the fact that some women want a guy whos at least 6 feet tall, and yet people give this girl crap for having a preference thats 5 inches below that? smh
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 I am actually considering NYC. I know women:men ratios are poor, but browsing OKC, there seems to be plenty of very interesting men there. I know I could get a job.....there is something about NYC that I am drawn to.
RedRobin Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 (edited) OP, I heard similar stories from my exW's friends from WA when we've visited. All the ones I knew were single and their ages ranged from mid-20's to 40's. I've got a picture of some of them surrounding me in my albums here. Not another man to be seen. If you truly feel there are no datable men, IMO then that mindset augments any realities supporting it. It 'closes' you. My advice is, if this assertion has traction with you, to take a month holiday and travel to a place where the differences will 'open' you to the potentials. For myself, this first happened when traveling to the CIS many years ago. Good luck. Good timing, Carhill. I've got a month or so to 'kill' before my next big project starts. Me and the dog are heading to some of the places I've been thinking about moving to. Even if I don't move to one of those places, I have to believe it will get me out of this rut. Have been chewing this bone way too long... (sorry to derail ES... I think his advice is spot on though). Edited: Oops! I was mid-thread when I posted. Looks like you already are considering other locations. Edited July 29, 2012 by RedRobin
dbzeng Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 I am actually considering NYC. I know women:men ratios are poor, but browsing OKC, there seems to be plenty of very interesting men there. I know I could get a job.....there is something about NYC that I am drawn to. Do you live in a small city right now? What happens if you move to NYC and in 6 months you are still saying the same thing?
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 Do you live in a small city right now? What happens if you move to NYC and in 6 months you are still saying the same thing? The size is not an issue, it's more the culture of the city. And what happens? Well I wouldn't be moving purely for men. I love to travel....and I would probably move there on trial basis first. I would see it as an adventure
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 I feel like I am stuck in a rut here......
StrangeBehaviors Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 As happy as you are is as happy as you will be.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 I'm confused how you think you could just move to the U.S. and stay legally? What are you gonna do, get married or pop out a baby on U.S. soil as soon as you get here? No... I would get a job from here first. I would never move without a job. I know a woman from my department that moved to LA like that. I haven't look at the visa issues yet though.
Pyro Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 I'm confused how you think you could just move to the U.S. and stay legally? What are you gonna do, get married or pop out a baby on U.S. soil as soon as you get here? The tourist visa lasts 90 days and she may be able to add extensions on to it, and if she has some sort of job lined up before moving there then they can sponsor her stay, so it is possible. 2
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 No... I would get a job from here first. I would never move without a job. I know a woman from my department that moved to LA like that. I haven't look at the visa issues yet though. I also haven't made any decisions yet...just considering my options... I currently hold Australian citizenship.
dbzeng Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 The size is not an issue, it's more the culture of the city. And what happens? Well I wouldn't be moving purely for men. I love to travel....and I would probably move there on trial basis first. I would see it as an adventure Do you know anybody in NYC? Do you have friends there, family? Moving to a brand new city where you know nobody can get quite lonely even in a city like NYC. It is very possible that you land in NYC and realize you have no friends, no support system, nobody to turn to if you need help.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 Do you know anybody in NYC? Do you have friends there, family? Moving to a brand new city where you know nobody can get quite lonely even in a city like NYC. It is very possible that you land in NYC and realize you have no friends, no support system, nobody to turn to if you need help. My best friend is going to be living there soon
Recommended Posts