Regrets58 Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 My girlfriend ended our 16 month relationship in January. She had some time apart from me before deciding.During this time she said"don't worry we can still be friends if I decide I don't want to be with you". Felt comforting at the time,but turned out to be anything but. Started texting each other that same fateful night(first one from her).Progressed to a tentative meeting which was slightly awkward. Again her suggestion,we started meeting up on a regular basis and regained that easy and relaxed familiarity. Started calling for meals and drinks,having nights out,even a platonic w/e away. Stuck with it because I had a feeling there was still a chance for us. This proved to be true,at end of Feb she says I have been thinking we might get back together. Sadly this went nowhere but friendship continued. Without the chance of a reconciliation I started to struggle. What we had was so close to what I wanted,but also a million miles away!Decided end of May to go NC and told her this. She did respect my wishes this time,contacted me during 2 previous attempts! Managed just over a month NC,then my Daughter announced that ex was coming round to see her off to Prom! They have kept in touch and are close. Was nice to see her and not too painful. Started me thinking about friendship and have exchanged a few texts/ emails since then.Am worried though that contact will put me back where I was before.Not a nice place! Just don't know what to do.
Ruby65 Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 I'd say your instinct is correct -- friends with an ex is really just holding their hand while they transition to life without you. If you're interested in more than friendship, it's best to let her know and walk away for real. 2
Author Regrets58 Posted July 27, 2012 Author Posted July 27, 2012 Thanks for your reply.Made it very clear when seeing each other as friends that I still loved her.Didn't say it often,made her uncomfortable and eventually stopped. Started to accept she was only offering friendship,from then on became so hard for me. Both in our 50's so thought I would be mature enough to handle a friendship. Found that I am still a teenager inside though lol! Think she still likes me,enjoys my company knows I am "safe" so for her being friends is a great idea. I am getting there and when I am completely uninterested in her romantically would like to maintain a friendship of some sort. Might never happen,but would be good. Know there were many possible reasons for her keeping the friendship going. Think I am maybe answering my own question here?
Canadian731 Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 I don't think that you truly want to be friends with her, it seems to me that you tried to use this friendship as a way to get her back and got stuck. Keep up with the NC, I dont think you can truly heal from a relationship while still being in regular contact with the person. I'm about a month into NC and it feels amazing, good luck
Chi townD Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 People here always preach NC, NC, NC! And I'm one of the biggest advocate of it. But, people are under the impression that NC means forever. And that's not the case. NC is a great tool to heal and move on. If you get to the point that you can be friends, it's ONLY if you have NO romantic feelings for her whatsoever. But, until then! NC is your best bet.
Author Regrets58 Posted July 27, 2012 Author Posted July 27, 2012 Yes openly admit I initially responded to her friendship offer,with hope that it would lead to more. Felt she had mixed feelings about ending it. Proved right I think when she admitted had been thinking about getting back together.Even though this came to nothing. Problems started for me,when I finally began to accept friendship was all it would ever be.Was awful,so close to how I wanted us to be and yet a universe away. Tried several times to go NC,each time broken by her.So cycle started again each time. Actually told me I was being stupid,when I told here nc before most recent(and successful)attempt. Apart from the prom visit she respected my wishes this time. The NC was very hard to maintain but is working. Thought I was ready to be friends but think I need a bit more time. Could be in a few months time,neither of us will want friendship. So have been nc for 14 days now,will keep it up and review at end of summer.
Zammo25 Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 (edited) People here always preach NC, NC, NC! And I'm one of the biggest advocate of it. But, people are under the impression that NC means forever. And that's not the case. NC is a great tool to heal and move on. If you get to the point that you can be friends, it's ONLY if you have NO romantic feelings for her whatsoever. But, until then! NC is your best bet. This is right. I saw my ex as " friends " 3 times after the love had gone, well her side anyway. The thing is I still loved her deeply and every time we met I just wanted to kiss her and she did not feel the same way. I ended it and told her I could not see her as friends anymore as my feelings were too strong. It was hard to cut her out of my life. She met someone else just 6 weeks later. I said in my closure e mail maybe we could be friends one day but only when my feelings are gone and if she is still with someone else friends is not really likely. I am cordial with all my ex's and hope one day we can meet up as friends as I really loved her company. It's tough be being " friendzoned " is just not worth it. Edited July 27, 2012 by Zammo25
Jamesblame Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 Friends with your dumper can only work once you've moved on. In reality, they missed out on you, and you gained a lot of experience. It doesn't matter what the ex wants if you're still hurting. You should just tell her that she hurt you and that if she wants to be friends, then you need your space. Grieve Move on Date. Then you can try befriending her. But don't be there for her to help with her transition from the relationship. I told my ex (who wanted to be friends and kept texting me about how sad she was) that she needed to go to another friend with that problem and I had moved on. Frankly her guilt for breaking up with me. Her loneliness isnt my problem. I hope she does well, but it's not my problem.
RogerWallace111 Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 This was all good to read. After approx 2 months no contact, last night and today I've had my strongest urges yet to get ahold of my ex and try having the "friendship" she said she "needed" in order to be "ok". And she was the one who ended it haaa. I also tried to be friends, though that only lasted a week. She acted as upset about it as I did, called me daily, kept telling me she loved me, and wanted to make plans for outings, etc. I only met up with her once during that week, and I know exactly what you mean about it being "so close to how I wanted us to be and yet a universe away". Talking to her, hugging her, but nothing more. When all I wanted was to kiss her over and over, take her home, f*ck her, hold her, etc... Rough, rough sh*t. So, like you, I sacrificed the somehow-slightly-comforting, platonic future/plans with her, told her I couldn't really be friends at this point, and that I'd get ahold of her someday when I could. Which I've now realized will probably only be when I have a new girl, or have made some big, awesome life changes. F*cked her up, f*cked me up, but for 90% of the two months since, it has felt like the right decision. Only times like last night and today, when I start missing her and the support she gave me really badly, do I start to reconsider. Knowing I could be taking her on a hike or something tomorrow. It's hard to resist, but I know, in the long run, it is the way it should be.
k100danny Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 Friends with an ex is possible and can be one of the best friendships you will have, they know you like nobody else and when you are truly friend with no motives you can get great advice from an ex but as everyone says this is only possible once you have fully moved on, BOTH of you. If you seriously care like I have said many times before and want to be friends then you will be friends in a year, two years or however long it takes. you cant do it straight away and if this isnt acceptable to her then she has no real interest in being your friend at all.
JesseMartin Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 I think you're doing good man, there's on thing I would add. You've clung on to her promise of a future between you two in the past. It's better to focus on her actions, instead of her words. Only if her actions clearly indicate a consistent and honest attempt to get back together, should you reciprocate. She keeps contacting you to get validation that you're still there for her. I suggest you stop giving it to her.
Author Regrets58 Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 Thanks everyone for your ideas,insight and support. I seem to have already helped her with the transition out of the relationship(unknowingly).Never thought of that one I'm afraid. Suppose for her it was a win win situation.If she changed her mind I was there. Could also be the friend she trusted completely and whose company she enjoyed.Knew I would be there if she needed me, but would also back away without any problems if she so wished. Looking back of course I would have been far better going NC as soon as she ended it.Would probably have been fully healed by now.However it was so tempting and my instincts for NC were overridden by the desire to stay in touch. Every situation is different but in principle my advice would be NC until you are absolutely over them! I will get in touch with this lady again when the time is right. If she genuinely is interested in being friends a few more months shouldn't matter too much. It would be good to have her in my life to some extent.
weallfalldown Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Who gives a **** what she wants? here here!!!!
Author Regrets58 Posted August 1, 2012 Author Posted August 1, 2012 Hi All, Don't know why(too bloody soft I guess!),sent her a brief email to let her know was going NC again. I know this sounds crazy but had said was ready to be friends, now I was backtracking and thought I would make it clear to her. Wow did I get more than I bargained for! She asked how my love life was,said she was surprised I wasn't over her.Then told me her new guy was there decorating her lounge! She had previously hinted at being involved but at time said she didn't think it would go anywhere. Got the dry mouth,heart beating out of my chest,sick feeling etc. Knowing her I suspected this guy must be fairly serious. However the upside to this is that I now know for sure and have some sort of closure. I can finally put aside any lingering hopes of reconcilliation and let her go. Will have a few miserable days but I am sure this will speed things up.So sometimes a little contact can be beneficial in a way.As long as you can stand the pain,which is considerable at the moment! Interestingly she still wants to be friends and is happy for me to contact her when I am ready.Will see how we both feel about that in a few months.
barese1 Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 Much respect to you for being able to hear that and take it as a positive. I could not stand that pain and although I have no hope of getting her back I do not want to hear that. Sounds like you're on the right path mate, NC and no caring what she thinks. People like us take a little while longer to get over someone but we will get there eventually. Much love man
Dblock10 Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 its interesting people say that staying in touch helps them transition into a new relationship. i was in touch with my ex for a week when she left again, but i stopped as i realised i didnt want to hear who she was with or what she was up to. and i realised i wasnt getting anywhere, i was chasing a dead end and the only person i was hurting in the process was me friends only works when its been ages and you are well and truly over them i.e they are no longer an ex, maybe an ex ex
Chi townD Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 Hi All, Don't know why(too bloody soft I guess!),sent her a brief email to let her know was going NC again. I know this sounds crazy but had said was ready to be friends, now I was backtracking and thought I would make it clear to her. Wow did I get more than I bargained for! She asked how my love life was,said she was surprised I wasn't over her.Then told me her new guy was there decorating her lounge! She had previously hinted at being involved but at time said she didn't think it would go anywhere. Got the dry mouth,heart beating out of my chest,sick feeling etc. Knowing her I suspected this guy must be fairly serious. However the upside to this is that I now know for sure and have some sort of closure. I can finally put aside any lingering hopes of reconcilliation and let her go. Will have a few miserable days but I am sure this will speed things up.So sometimes a little contact can be beneficial in a way.As long as you can stand the pain,which is considerable at the moment! Interestingly she still wants to be friends and is happy for me to contact her when I am ready.Will see how we both feel about that in a few months. Wow!.....just wow! See, that's why I'm a firm believer of NC. You just gave her a massive ego stroke. " Awww... the poor SOB can't get over me? Sad but sweet." And then she goes and starts telling you about her new man?!?! "B*tch, I just told you I had to get over feelings for you and you have the gaul to rub this guy in my face! SCREW YOU!!! You can take that 'friendship' and shove it up your ass! Shove some daisey's up there as well. There, I helped deorate too!" Sorry, your post got me spun up! grrrr.....
salmagundi Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 now do you get why everyone preaches NC here...? :/
Author Regrets58 Posted August 1, 2012 Author Posted August 1, 2012 Hearing what she said has helped me move towards letting her go much quicker.That's all.Doesn't matter if I am stroking her ego,or she thinks I am sad.What matters is the speed of healing for me. I bear her no malice for dumping me,she had her reasons. Ultimately we were not suited,I recognise this on reflection. We had some good times together and loved each other for most of the relationship.Just didn't work out,it happens. 1
Chi townD Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 Hearing what she said has helped me move towards letting her go much quicker.That's all.Doesn't matter if I am stroking her ego,or she thinks I am sad.What matters is the speed of healing for me. I bear her no malice for dumping me,she had her reasons. Ultimately we were not suited,I recognise this on reflection. We had some good times together and loved each other for most of the relationship.Just didn't work out,it happens. True, and I get it. But, she didn't need to be cruel towards your feelings ESPECIALLY since you let her know about them. I mean, geez! She should have some tact and restraint.
Zammo25 Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 Wow!.....just wow! See, that's why I'm a firm believer of NC. You just gave her a massive ego stroke. " Awww... the poor SOB can't get over me? Sad but sweet." And then she goes and starts telling you about her new man?!?! "B*tch, I just told you I had to get over feelings for you and you have the gaul to rub this guy in my face! SCREW YOU!!! You can take that 'friendship' and shove it up your ass! Shove some daisey's up there as well. There, I helped deorate too!" Sorry, your post got me spun up! grrrr..... I agree. I mean this is about the harshest thing I have ever heard. Yeah I still think about you but my new guy is decorating the place, ( and fuc*king me inbetween as well ) so I thought I would let you know. Bitch does not even come close.
Author Regrets58 Posted August 1, 2012 Author Posted August 1, 2012 Hmm well it was fairly typical her.Says the first thing that comes into her head lol.One of the things I loved and hated about her. Also one of the reasons we split up! Very exciting woman never a dull moment but could be quite cruel at times.She told me her previous partner of 18 years said she had a black heart. Hooked me good an proper though,she could be fabulous too. Will be looking for someone a bit more conventional when the time is right.Enough excitement now for a 54yr old!
Author Regrets58 Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 Got to thinking about what some of you said about how she broke news of new guy.Decided it was ott even for her and challenged her about it. Got a heartfelt apology and as I thought was just her being her! My head clearer and in a way feel like a weight has been lifted. Been dreading the moment when "new guy"came up. It's one of the main reasons I went NC,when I decided I was ready to get back in touch it wouldn't have mattered. So instead of wondering/worrying about it for months,it's done. So painful but a huge help in finally getting over her(I hope!).
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